Pre-Hockey Plans
"Come on Jess," Rory whines. "Just one?"
"No," Jess says firmly. "You have to wait until they get here."
"You gave Holden one," Rory argues. "And LJ."
"That's because LJ helped cook them," Jess defends. "And Holden… was hungry."
"I'm hungry too," Rory argues.
"You are sounding like Lorelai more and more," I warn Rory.
"Who sounds like me?" Lorelai asks as she comes into the house followed by Luke, William and Emily.
As soon as Rory hears her mother she grabs a pancake off the plate before Jess can stop her.
"Didn't you ever teach your daughter that it's impolite to eat before you company has arrived?" Jess asks Lorelai.
"Now you sound like Great Grandma," LJ replies amused.
"Oh no," Jess says. "Not Emily Gilmore, kill me now please."
"I'm Emily Gilmore too," Em interrupts.
"But you have Danes blood," Jess argues. "Therefore canceling out any evil Emily Gilmore you might have."
"I like Emily," Will defends.
"Sure you do sweetie," Lorelai says unconvinced.
"I had Jess going though," Will replies mischievously.
"Jess," Luke greets.
"Luke," Jess replies.
"You didn't call me Uncle Luke," Luke says confused.
"Yeah, well," Jess replies. "I'm not forced to live here anymore. I'm here by my own choice, well half my own choice."
"Hi I'm Holden," Holden says to Will flirtatiously.
"You're related," Jess replies.
"Damn," Holden mutters.
"You're not related to me," LJ says proudly.
"Leave her alone," Em tells LJ. "I'm Em and this is Will, you should ignore LJ he can be a little…"
"Emily," Lorelai warns.
"What?" Em replies. "I was just going to say…"
"Not another word," Luke says sternly and then swiftly changes the subject. "Hey Holden, how's school?"
"Fine," Holden replies. "Still there."
"Now that's the Jess we were looking for," Lorelai says triumphantly. "I knew that Holden couldn't be the exact opposite of him."
"How about you guys take a seat," Jess says forcefully to Lorelai. "And eat the pancakes before they get cold."
"Got anything else?" Will asks. "I don't like pancakes."
"Of course you don't," Jess replies. "I'm guessing you want something else too Luke?"
"And me," Emily says.
"Unbelievable," Jess says to Rory. "You're telling me that you and you're mother are the only ones that eat junk food?"
"And Lucas," Rory defends. "Well he does some of the time."
Jess opens the fridge in disbelief and pulls out a bowl of fruit.
"The best I can do for you is fruit," Jess says to Luke, William and Emily.
"That's fine," Will replies. "Next time you can cook us up some eggs or something."
"Or LJ can," Em says. "I heard you helped cook this morning, now maybe you can come and help out in the diner."
"I stirred and flipped," LJ replies nervously. "I can't cook."
"Stirring and flipping is all cooking is," Will says to LJ. "You're practically there."
"Leave Lucas alone," Rory warns.
"Yeah," Luke agrees. "You two are just trying to shift some of your responsibility onto LJ."
"But he's family," Em argues. "I don't see why Will and I have to work in the diner all the time, whilst LJ gets to do whatever he wants."
"Yeah," Lorelai agrees. "Give our kids a break."
"If you all keep this up," Luke warns to Lorelai, William and Emily. "Then none of you will be going to the hockey game."
"Okay," They all relent.
"About that," LJ asks Jess. "Did you work out the skates?"
"Yeah," Jess replies. "I ordered them last night."
"Last night?" Rory asks confused. "When?"
"Sometime between sleeping on your bedroom floor and sleeping in your bed," Jess replies flirtatiously.
"What?" Lorelai asks nearly spitting her coffee all over the table in the process.
"Jess," Luke warns.
"Relax," Jess replies. "Nothing happened."
"Still confused," LJ replies.
"So I got up and called a skate shop in Hartford," Jess explains.
"Wouldn't they be closed?" Em asks confused.
"Yeah," Jess replies. "But I left an order on their answering machine asking for 30 pairs of skates all different sizes and 20 sets of hockey equipment, sticks, guards, helmets- that kind of thing."
"Jeez," Luke replies. "All that for a stupid town hockey game."
"How do you know that they're going to deliver it?" Will asks confused.
"They'll think it's a joke," Lorelai agrees with her son.
"No they won't," Jess says confidently. "I left my credit card details and told them that it must be here in the town square by 9:30."
"You have a lot of faith in people," Em says.
"Not really," Jess replies.
"Sweet," LJ says. "Let's go now."
"How about you finish your breakfast first," Jess suggests. "You're going to need your strength if we're going to crush Kirk."
"What happens if we all want to crush Kirk but we are on different teams?" Em asks confused.
"We just have to make sure that we are all on the same team, Jess replies.
"And how are we going to do that?" Luke asks confused.
"Easy," Jess replies. "We make Kirk one captain and one of us the other. Then the rest of us will make it look as though we don't know a thing about hockey."
"And Kirk will totally fall for it," Will says excitedly. "Because he'll want to win, so he will choose the strongest players."
"Which means," Jess continues. "That we have to pick our strongest player as captain, so that Kirk can't get them."
"And how do we choose the strongest?" Rory asks confused.
"Do we have like an iron man/woman competition?" Lorelai asks excitedly.
"How about," Jess suggests. "Who has actually played street hockey apart from Holden and me before?"
"I have," Luke answers.
"See," Holden says. "We just narrowed it down from six candidates to three."
"So who is the strongest player?" Lorelai asks. "I bet its Luke."
"The real question," Jess interrupts. "Is who will Kirk think is the strongest?"
"I'm out," Holden says. "I don't think he would choose a girl on his team."
"So that leaves two," Will says. "I vote dad."
"I vote Jess," Rory says. "Kirk would expect Jess to do well in a violent game like hockey."
"I agree," Lorelai says.
"Yeah," Luke agrees. "You be captain and pick me first, then Kirk won't be able to have either of us."
"Yeah," LJ agrees excitedly.
"So here's the plan," Jess explains. "Holden and Emily should be safe because of the whole Kirk/girl issue, so that leaves LJ and William. I'm guessing LJ's known as a little slow around the town…"
"Jess," Rory warns.
"I'm just speaking the truth," Jess defends. "So LJ I want you to say I can't wait for this basketball game to start. Just keep repeating that over and over, and Kirk should steer clear of you."
"Got it," LJ replies excitedly.
"And me?" Will asks.
"You're probably Kirk's next choice after Luke and me," Jess says. "So we'll get you to hold your hockey stick upside down and that should be enough it deter Kirk."
"Maybe we should put someone on Kirk's team," Holden suggests. "So that we can sabotage Kirk's team from the inside."
"Nah," Jess replies. "We need to beat him without cheating."
"What?" Lorelai asks shocked. "You're already cheating."
"How?" Jess asks confused.
"Setting up your team so that Kirk won't pick any of them," Lorelai explains. "That's cheating."
"It's strategy," Jess replies.
"Plus," Holden says. "What's a good game of hockey without some good old fashioned cheating?"
"A fair game," Lorelai answers.
"Do you want me to clip you baby girls skates accidentally?" Jess asks Lorelai. "And send her skidding across the road?"
"No," Lorelai gives in.
"Then it's better that we'll all be on the same team then," Jess says to Lorelai.
"Okay, fine," Lorelai relents. "It will also save me from cheering for two different sides."
"What about Steve and Kwan?" LJ asks, "How many people are there to a side of street hockey?"
"As many as you want," Jess replies.
"Well as long as there is enough space for it," Holden corrects her dad.
"Sure," Jess replies. "We'll just make it eight a team, which means we get both Steve and Kwan."
"Sweet," LJ replies. "We are so going to win."
"What if there are more people?" Rory asks confused.
"Then we'll have subs," Jess replies.
"It's 9:45," LJ says excitedly. "Let's go."
"Okay," Everyone agrees as they walk the short distance to the town square which was already full with over half the town.
"Jess," Liz says as she comes over to them. "I haven't seen you in forever, why didn't you tell me you were in town?"
"I must've forgotten," Jess replies. "You remember Holden?"
"Of course," Liz replies. "How are you Holden?"
"Fine," Holden replies. "So where's Doula?"
"Over at the sign in table with TJ and Gary," Liz replies.
"Gary's playing then?" Jess asks. "And what about TJ."
"TJ can't play because he pulled his back," Liz explains. "So he's making Gary play for him, something about a son should do what their fathers can't or something."
"Right," Jess replies. "So Gary doesn't want to play?"
"Not really," Liz replies. "But I think he's warming up to the idea, especially when he saw the crowd that's here to watch."
"We better get signed in," Luke says as he steers us away from Liz.
"Is it just me or has Stars Hollow's population increased by at least half?" Jess asks Rory confused.
"It has increased," Rory replies. "It's just that the whole of Stars Hollow ended up getting pregnant at around the same time."
"Luke sign me in," Jess says to Luke. "I think I need a little catching up."
"Sure," Luke replies as he sets off with the rest of the group.
"Okay," Rory begins. "We'll start with the marriages. Luke married Lorelai when she found out she was pregnant with Will, but we all knew that it was a long time coming. Miss Patty married her mysterious guy that no one knows anything about, not even his name. Kirk and Lulu got married, as well as Andrew and Gypsy."
"Okay," Jess replies trying to get it all to sink in. "I think I'm following."
"Good because this is where it becomes confusing," Rory says. "Kirk and Lulu had a boy named Kirk, but we townies refer to him as Human Kirk to avoid confusion."
"Obviously," Jess replies. "So Human Kirk, I guess he'll be paying on Kirk's team."
"Probably," Rory replies. "Then we have Liz and TJ, which you probably know all about. But anyway they had Doula and two years later they had Gary who is also known as JT."
"As in Justin Timberlake?" Jess asks confused.
"No," Rory replies. "As in TJ reversed."
"Okay now that's weird," Jess says.
"Then we have Luke and Lorelai," Rory continues. "And they're kids William and Emily. Then Sookie and Jackson's kids Davy, Martha and Jack. Lane and Zach had Steve and Kwan. And of course I had LJ and you had Holden."
"Okay," Jess replies confused. "So everyone had kids?"
"Yeah," Rory agrees. "Their ages range from Davy the oldest at 19, he'll be 20 in two months and Human Kirk who's 15."
"Wow it's like a mini Stars Hollow generation," Jess says in disbelief. "Anything else interesting happen whilst I was gone?"
"Actually," Rory says thinking back. "Dwight died."
"Dwight?" Jess questions confused.
"You know," Rory replies. "The guy who lived in that house where you helped me fix the sprinklers, remember?"
"I remember," Jess answers. "I also remember that I had to turn them back on for Dean to be the hero."
"That was very noble of you," Rory replies. "But that doesn't matter now."
"Okay," Jess says. "Now that we're on the same page, how did he die? Did his ex-wife come and murder him in his sleep?"
"Worse," Rory replies laughing. "He was playing Twister with baby oil or something and he slipped and broke his neck."
"That's not funny," Jess says to Rory.
"I know," Rory replies laughing. "But Kirk thought it would be good to honor Dwight by banning all board games in Stars Hollow."
"He didn't?" Jess asks in disbelief.
"Oh he did," Rory replies. "Anyone who gets caught with a board game has to pay a fine."
"That's seems reasonable," Jess says.
"Come on we're up," Holden says as she gives Jess his skates and stick.
"Going to cheer us on?" Jess asks Rory hopefully.
"Sure," Rory replies. "But aren't you going to wear more protection?"
"Nah," Jess replies as he puts the skates on. "Less is more. I'll look for you out in the crowd."
"Sure," Rory replies as Jess skates away. "Be careful."
"What's up with Kirk?" Jess asks Luke. "He's all but wrapped up in bubble wrap."
"You should see Human Kirk," Em says. "He's worse than Kirk."
And sure enough Human Kirk was decked out in all the safety gear that Jess ordered, then plus some.
"What did they do?" Holden asks Luke confused. "Close down the whole town?"
"Pretty much," Luke replies. "I think Kirk's going to make this a bi-yearly event or maybe it was bi-monthly."
"Sweet," LJ replies. "Will you come to them?" LJ asks Jess and Holden hopefully.
"Sure," Jess replies. "We wouldn't miss it."
"Okay, okay," Taylor says coming up in his electric gopher. "Let's get this game started."
"Yes," Mrs. Kim agrees. "Jess seeing as you planned this, what do we do now?"
"Captains," Jess suggests.
"How about Jess and Kirk," Will suggests trying not to draw attention.
"Yes," Kirk agrees. "I'll take that challenge."
"Jess should pick first," Holden suggests. "He did set this up and buy all the equipment."
"Kirk?" Jess questions.
"Fine by me," Kirk replies.
"Okay," Jess says. "I choose Luke."
"This is going to work," Luke says as he joins Jess' side. "Will looks like he knows nothing about hockey."
"Kirk," Kirk says and his son joins his side.
"Yeah Human Kirk!" Lorelai yells.
"William…" Jess says.
"Bootsy…" Kirk says.
"Holden…" Jess says.
"Jackson…" Kirk says.
"LJ…" Jess says.
"Davy…" Kirk says.
"Emily…" Jess says.
"Jack…" Kirk says.
"Steve…" Jess says.
"Gypsy…" Kirk says.
"Kwan…" Jess says.
"JT Gary Jnr," Kirk says unwillingly, he was related to TJ after all.
"Okay five minutes," Taylor warns.
"I can't believe that worked," LJ says in disbelief.
"Yeah," Jess agrees. "It almost worked a little too well."
"So what's the plan," Steve asks.
"Yeah," Kwan agrees.
"Have fun," Holden says simply. "And the more bloodshed the better."
"I've got Kirk," Luke says.
"And I've got Human Kirk," Will says cunningly.
"I'm going for mini TJ then," Jess says.
"I'll take Jackson," LJ states.
"Me and Kwan will take the Bellville boys," Steve says. "Davy and Jack."
"Yeah," Kwan agrees as he high fives his brother.
"I'll take Gypsy," Em says.
"I guess that leaves me with the old guy," Holden says mischievously. "Bootsy."
"How about 'go team' on three," Jess suggests. "One, two, three…"
"Go team!" The group shouts.
"Oh this is on," Lorelai says to Sookie. "My family against yours, we are so going to win."
"I have no doubt you'll win," Sookie agrees. "We have Kirk, Kirk can barely stand on his feet, put skates on him and we have no idea what will happen."
"Hopefully carnage," Martha says.
"What happened to the sweet girl I used to know?" Lorelai asks Martha.
"Human Kirk happened," Martha replies.
"I still can't believe you dated him," Sookie says in disbelief. "Human Kirk may be better than Kirk, but only slightly."
"I felt sorry for him," Martha defends. "I didn't want him to be sweet sixteen and never been kissed."
"You kissed Human Kirk?" Rory asks confused. "Why did I not know this?"
"No," Lorelai says to Sookie. "Why didn't I know about this?"
"Because you would have teased them both mercifully," Sookie replies.
"Would not," Lorelai argues.
"I only kissed him once," Martha defends. "And he wasn't my first."
"And who was your first?" Lorelai asks intrigued.
"No one," Martha immediately evades the question.
"It was Will," Sookie blurts out.
"Mom," Martha scolds.
"Sorry," Sookie replies. "It just slipped out."
"My Will?" Lorelai asks confused.
"I'm older than him I was just showing him the ropes," Martha defends.
"It was you first kiss sweetie," Sookie tells her daughter.
"So maybe he was showing me the ropes," Martha corrects. "And once again I'm older than him and let's face it Will's hot."
"First off only by two years," Lorelai argues. "And I know my son's hot."
"Okay break it up before it crosses a line," Rory says. "The game's starting."
"Oh this is exciting," Sookie says from their front row seats. "I'm so glad we went and got some junk food from Doose's."
'Well it does help that it's just across the road," Rory says.
"Yeah," Lorelai agrees. "I think I'm going to like this tradition. Go Luke!"
"Don't tell me you've tapped into Patty's punch already," Martha asks Lorelai.
"Only one cup," Lorelai defends.
"Okay," Mrs. Kim says. "As official umpire."
"Hey," Taylor defends.
"Okay as co-umpire," Mrs. Kim corrects as she glares at Taylor. "Kirk, Jess you're up."
"Positions everyone," Taylor says as he moves to the sidelines.
"Kirk," Jess says as they face each other in the center circle. "Have you ever actually played hockey before."
"Yeah," Kirk replies. "NHL."
"As in NHL Live on PlayStation?" Jess asks Kirk knowing he had him.
"It's the same thing," Kirk retorts. "People can land planes by PlayStation, I'm sure that I can play hockey."
"And what about the fact that NHL is ice hockey and not street hockey?" Jess asks Kirk.
"Let's just play," Kirk retorts angrily.
"Fine," Jess says. "Whatever you want."
"Ready?" Mrs. Kim asks us and everyone takes their positions.
"One," Jess and Kirk hit their hockey sticks together.
"Two," Another hit and evil glances at one another.
"Three," Jess wins the puck and hits it out to Luke. "Game on!" Mrs. Kim yells.