AN: It's an extra-long, extra-sexy chapter of Living Like A Disaster, with the two least desirable people in the world. Let's face it, you're better off with a Pringle's tube full of liver.

It's Captain's birthday today so you's better all effing review or else she'll cry and think no one loves her guilt guilt guilt.

Shak and Claudia

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Captain Shakahnna Taylor and Dr Claudia Graham

"Look, it's easy. You just go like this...." Shakahnna shoved her bladed fist into the abdomen of an unfortunate zombie, bringing her arm upwards and ripping open its chest cavity. As it slid to the ground, she stood above it with a happy grin and proclaimed, "Haha, you're deaded and I'm not. This one's for you Macon!"

Claudia held her head in her hands and sighed deeply. They had been wandering through the hospital for nigh on an hour, destroying everything in their path. The scientist had initially been disgusted and horrified at the policewoman's willful violence and insistence on using the medical equipment as melee weapons, but after time this had faded into simply a dull sense of despair. "That is most unscientific."

"What do you mean, or course its science," the officer pointed, "Look, there's its oesophagus!" She looked thoughtful for a moment, as though she was reprimanding herself for being inconsiderate, "Do you want it?"

"No," Claudia's tone was positively murderous, as she thought longingly of the Glock .23 in her lab coat pocket, "And that's its trachea."

"Same difference," Shak shrugged as her companion began to splutter at this anatomical heresy. "If you're gonna get pissy, I be's not gonna bring you any more presents." She stuck her tongue out.

Note to self: 'Get pissy.'

There was a faint groan which heralded the arrival of more 'stuff to kill'. Shakahnna nodded in the direction of the sound, expecting to get the same reaction she had always had from the partner she was accustomed to.

"What?" Dr Graham's eyes went wide.

"The zombies. Go be a distraction." Shakahnna looked at her as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"N...no!" Claudia stared at her, aghast, "I'm not doing that! Do I look like I was born to go on the end of a fishing hook?"

"I don't understand..." Captain Taylor looked crestfallen.

"Well then, let me put it in the form of a simple equation. Doctor Graham plus BOWs equals big red stain on the floor. You know, a bit like your man Pierce is right now..." she couldn't help herself.

It's just the stress getting to her. Don't take it personally. Of course Pierce isn't dead. Member, you're gonna go murder drug dealers once this is done. Just be's needing to...be nice. Shoot sunshine up her arse.

"You know, Clauds, I really don't appreciate that."

"It's DOCTOR GRAHAM!"

"You can't make me call you that."

"Yes I can."

"How?"

"You're fired." It was a reflex response from years at OCRC.

"Wow," Shak tutted and shook her head in pity, "You really are delusional. Poor kid." She patted her on the head with one clawed, bloody hand, before bolting off around the corner.

"Ah! Don't touch m...huh?" Claudia looked at her bounding form as it disappeared, "What in the name of Umbrella is that insufferable thug up to now...?"

The young doctor was answered by a loud scream, followed by the previously unheard sound of gunfire.

Using her gun? On zombies? There must be tons. Hey, maybe she'll get killed and then...oh no, hang on, Wesker wouldn't like that. And I wouldn't want to disappoint him after he's been so nice to me.

The cacophony of gunshot and groans continued to a deafening peak, before gradually fading into silence which was broken by an exuberant "Fuck you! Who's your daddy, bitch?"

After a pause the robust figure of Captain Taylor staggered round the corner, proudly bearing the grizzly souvenir of five severed heads, all dangling mouths open in frozen horror, by their matted hair.

"Oh dear Christ!" Claudia gagged into the back of her hand and struggled for breath as she swallowed down the bile in her throat.

Shak looked puzzled, holding them aloft and looking at them quizzically, "What's wrong with them. They be's perfectly good removed heads. Here, wanna see?" she stepped forward into the light, brandishing her gruesome new toys in the pale and horrified face of her scientist companion. "If you listen carefully you can hear them speak. They're much happier now cause they aren't Umbrella scum any more..."

At that moment Claudia's attention was drawn downwards from Shakahnna's hand, to her thick bicep and beyond, to where a torrent of blood was pouring from the gap between the two panels of her bulletproof vest. She pointed at it, open and closed her mouth and repeated, "Oh dear Christ." Several times.

"What, you don't want them?"

"I don't think they'll fit in my bag. Besides, they don't go with my outfit. This season I'll mostly be wearing NOT PSYCHOTIC."

The STARS captain sniggered, "Are you sure about that?" she looked over her shoulder, "Guess we won't be needing these any more," she said, nonchalantly dumping the collection of heads on a nearby gurney with a 'squelch'.

The bespectacled girl nodded grimly, staring at them with a horrified fascination which Shakahnna mistook for longing. The doctors focus was quickly diverted back to the extend of the redhead's injuries. She frowned, "You are aware that you appear to be missing a large portion of your torso, aren't you?"

"Oh yes," She lifted up her shirt to reveal an enormous, flat scar, ugly and red where there had once been a patch of normal healthy skin.

"No, not your fun experience in the labs, I meant the currently bleeding bit that's missing..."

"How did you...OW!" Shakahnna's confusion was cut short by a sharp jolt of pain as Claudia hastily stuck her finger in the open wound, "What did you be's doing that for?"

Claudia ignored her, "This is going to need medical attention. Sit."

"You know, it's not the biting that I mind so much. In fact I rather like it," the redhead grinned with confidence she shouldn't have as she lowered herself to a seating position against the wall, "It's just the ripping off and chewing part I be's having a problem with. There was about thirty of those fuckers. In hindsight I should've used the gun first," she mused. "Oh well, live and learn."

"You may have some problems fulfilling the former part of that adage if you continue to behave in such a reckless and..."

"What have I got to lose?" the officer blew her off with a smile.

"Your heartbeat, for one. Take your vest off while I get the medkit." Claudia was distinctly unimpressed with Shakahnna's conduct. The OCRC captain turned her back as she began rummaging through the STARS standard issue first aid kit, sneering at the teams regulation supplies. Her scorn soon transformed to a look of renewed interest as her fingers closed around a white bottle of pills. The label on them read: "Shakahnna Taylor. Phenothiazine. Take one a day for maintenance dose, or two under times of stress."

Phenothiazine? That's a neuroleptic. So she's actually been diagnosed schizophrenic? Well, if I was her doctor I'd have prescribed cyanide, but still. I found something out! I'm such a good spy!

Claudia smirked to herself and slipped the vial into her pocket. "Um..." she cleared her throat guiltily, "This kit is pitiful!"

"Yeah," Shak smiled fondly, "Pierce already used all the good stuff on me."

The doctor rolled her eyes, "Well luckily I have something that should come in handy," she opened her own bag and pulled out an aerosol spray can and handed it to her.

"Well fuck me!" Shak exclaimed, turning the can over in her hands, "I heard of this stuff, but never actually seen it. How did you guys at OCRC get hold of this?"

"I um...be quiet and give me the can," Claudia snatched it back irritably. The item in her hands was Umbrella's so called "miracle" First Aid Spray, and was most certainly not OCRC standard issue medical equipment.

What a bloody waste. This stuff wasn't made to heal STARS.

"Hold still," the younger girl muttered, "This is going to sting."

"Result!" she purred, a deep sound resonating in the back of her throat.

Claudia flinched. "You are vile."

"I've been called a lot worse." The redhead informed her while still having a the spark which always lit up her face.

"I find that extremely easy to believe," she muttered through her teeth as she pressed the nozzle and sprayed the torn flesh.

"Woo, money shot."

"Huh?" Claudia looked at the can, puzzled, "They're not that expensive," she wondered aloud.

"I'll explain when you're older, kiddo."

No you won't cause you'll be dead.

"I'm going to put a bandage on this," the doctor murmured absently.

"I don't believe in those," Shakahnna informed her.

"They're a piece of first aid equipment, not Jesus," she replied curtly, pressing a flat cotton pad against the already healing wound.

"I don't think what they did to Jesus was so bad anyway. That sounds like my idea of a good Friday night. No pun intended." she beamed, "I 'member this one time..."

"No you don't. Be quiet. Save your anecdotes for a dinner party."

"The last dinner party I was at, I had to kill everyone. Rumour has it, infiltration is not my strong point."

"I can't possibly see why you would have trouble being stealthy. You strike me as the sort of person who would blend in very well in a crowd..."

Of hunters.

"I like you."

"Don't compliment me."

"You be's assuming its a compliment." Shak gave her a leer which the scientist found to be wholly unnerving. She didn't know why, but she could picture the same expression on the face of her boss. Was it that which disconcerted her, or the look itself?

"Wow, it's started to heal already," the redhead began to stick her fingers in the wound curiously.

"Well it bloody won't if you keep touching it," came the irate reply.

"You're awful high strunged. You should lighten up..."

Claudia went pale and ground her teeth together. "I wish..."

Shakahnna held up a finger to silence her, "Shh."

"A...are there more monsters?" the girl whispered, looking over her shoulder nervously.

"No, I just don't want you to say anything that's gonna make me waste a pair of handcuffs."

"Ah, yes, quite. We should get moving. Are you ok to walk?"

The officer responded by leaping to her feet and cartwheeling backwards. "A simple 'yes' would have been acceptable."

"Where be's the fun in that?"

"I suppose it lies in the same grey area of your head that thinks slaughter and violence and not studying are perfectly acceptable pastimes."

"Oi! Child! One must improve ones body as well as ones mind. I'll have you know, I have three degrees. I be's edumacated."

Before she could stop herself, Claudia blurted out, "How did a cretin like you get three degrees? I bet you went to an ex-poly."

"As in polystyrene? And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one."

"Well if I'm the muscle we're in trouble. Polytechnic. And how in hell did you manage to acquire any qualifications apart from "Prisoner of the Week"?"

"I've been suggesting they adopt that for years, but no one listens to me. Well you see, one degree I had to get so I could get promoted. They made me take one day off a week, it be'd horrible!"

"And the other two...?" the doctor did not like wherever this conversation might be going.

"Ah. Well let's just say that the head of the university may have had a dirty fucking drug dealing daughter. And let's just for example say that the little bitch may have been going to get off in court anyway. And then let's just say I may have accepted two degrees from his university in return for not arresting his daughter. I never said anything about not shooting the cunt though..." she trailed off as a cheeky little smile appeared on her face. "Justice was served."

The older woman had already begun to walk away as Claudia stood in stunned silence for a few seconds, before scrambling after her, waving her finger. "That is ridiculous! That is completely ludicrous! You can't just give out diplomas like they're Christmas cracker toys!"

"The head of Oxford disagrees with you. I don't care as long as I didn't have to earn it."

Claudia actually whimpered in pain at this statement. It was utterly inconceivable to her that someone should actually not want to study.

"Hey!" Shakahnna looked puzzled as she pulled out her map, "There's supposed to be an elevator here." She tapped the wall in front of them. "Instead all there is is this ugly picture."

As Claudia caught up with her she stopped abruptly and took a few steps back to hide the expression of surprise on her face. Standing before the unlikely duo in faded oil paint, a young Daniel Lancaster stared at them from the canvas with a bemused expression on his face, a shadow falling across his brown eyes. A surge of unwanted emotion came flooding back as the OCRC operative fixed her gaze on the image of her former mentor.

Daniel? Here? Why didn't he come and help me? Wesker came back for me, why didn't you? she shook her head, He must just not know I'm here. I wonder if he'll be happy to see me again? I wonder if we'll get married? No, shut up, he's like fifty, besides...he was always far too taken with Amber. Stupid dog. Still, why is this here in place of the elevator...?Oh.

Shak and Claudia exchanged almost identical looks as slow smiles dawned on their faces.

Ooh....puzzle!

Ooh...stuff to blow up!

"Before we start, may I have a pen? You're a nerd. you must have one. It's the rules," Shakahnna held out her hand expectantly.

"Ah, good idea," Claudia reached into her breast pocket and pulled out a fistful of biros, handing a couple to the redhead, "You want to get down some preliminary calculations, in case it's booby trapped? Do you want some paper? I think I have..."

"What for?" the STARS captain shot her a sly grin and marched up to the painting. With a look of intense artistic concentration on her face, she proceeded to etch on the canvas before stepping back to let Claudia see her alterations. Officer Taylor considered them to be tasteful and an over all improvement to the decor.

"Bloody hell!" Claudia was aghast. Lancaster's clean cut good looks now bore a crudely drawn moustache. His forehead was now sporting a cartoon drawing of a penis with some drips coming from the end. To Shakahnna it was infinitely amusing. To Claudia it was sacrilege. "You can't do that! I mean...no! You can't just go about defacing portraits like that!"

Especially not ones of Daniel!

Shakahnna shrugged, "It's all gonna look the same in a minute," she pointed out flippantly.

"What do you mean?" Not for the first time that day, Claudia did not like where this was going. Her fears were proved not unjustified when Captain Taylor produced a grenade, holding it up in her palm as though she were a school pupil offering an apple to her teacher.

"NO!" the doctor darted forward and yanked the explosive out of her hand, before looking at it fearfully. She forced a calm, rational element to her tone with great difficulty, "No. There's no telling what might happen if you blew it up. It's a puzzle, let's try to think with our heads, not our arsenal."

"I did be using my head. My head said I should blow it up."

"Well you know that voice inside your head that tell you to kill? Ignore it. Please." Claudia looked about with an air of intense scrutiny. "Clearly we have to do something..."

Shakahnna kicked the base of the frame with full force, "It won't budge. Now can we blow it up?"

"If by blow it up you mean leave it alone and not throw explosives at it then yes."

If you give me twenty minutes I could whip up some C4... Although don't believe what they tell you, that stuff tastes shit.

Claudia began muttering under her breath, "Now if I was Daniel, what would I do...?"

Stop Claudia from getting put in OCRC. And not marry Amber, that's for sure. He must have been blind...AHA!

The bespectacled scientist pointed triumphantly to a fixture on the opposite wall. "There!" It appeared to be a small lamp, virtually concealed in the shadows. Claudia stood on her tiptoes to push the switch.

"Hey, does that be the detonator?" Shakahnna pouted, "If you wanted to blow it up yourself you could have just asked..."

She's trying to steal my destruction. I should kill her. No wait...resume normal thoughts and proceed to get that grenade back.

A concentrated beam of light shot out from the bulb, illuminating the darkness that was cast over the eyes in the painting. There was a loud creaking, and the frame dislodged from its fixture, falling to the floor with a clatter.

"See," Claudia stuck her tongue out at the redhead, "Brains over brawn..."

Shakahnna reached forward to knock her chin up in an attempt to make her bite through her own tongue, but thought better of it at the last second and gave it a light tap instead.

"Owww!" the doctor lisped, scowling at her for a few seconds. "Now the elevator should be...oh dear." There was an impenetrable metal grate over the elevator door, with a keypad of numbers and mathematical symbols to the side.

"Now can I blow it up?" came the voice from her side.

She shook her head angrily, leaning in to examine the keypad. In tiny, meticulous writing underneath was a single word. "Amber."

Hmph...what does he mean by that. Ohh, of course. It must be the formula for Amber's virus! Well, it wasn't really hers, all she did was get herself injected. Cretin. Anyone could have done that...he didn't have to marry her. Now what was the formula?

She stood mentally calculating for a few minutes while Shakahna's hand hovered impatiently over the pin on the grenade, all the while interupting her chain of thought to throw in not so helpful comments such as "Tick tock, tick tock...time's running out..."

For god's sake. It's a good thing I killed Pierce when I did, I was doing him a favour compared to being stuck with her for all eternity. Bitch. S'all her fault I ended up in OCRC and not in Umbrella with Daniel and...oh yeah, that was it.

Her pale fingers skimmed rapidly over the buttons, pressing the combination in quickly succession. The code was around five hundred keys long, but Claudia's memory had been primed for such feats. At last there was a tiny 'beep' and the light over the elevator turned green.

"Well done kid, you did good."

That's one grenade I can use elsewhere on monsters.

Claudia smiled appreciatively before checking herself and resuming her default scowl.

"C'mon, let's go, let's go. There be's being stuff that needs killed up there," Shak leaned in conspiratorially, "All the good stuff's up there!"

Like Daniel. Oh, I hope he's there. And that Amber's dead.

For once, Claudia agreed with her nemesis.