Part 11
The day I held the baby, Guy's baby…..part of me wished he was mine, my child…not with Guy…I can hardly bear for him to touch me and yet tomorrow he will be my husband and it will be his right. I will have to summon some deep inner strength to survive my marriage….But if I had had a child with Robin, if the baby had been ours, the smell of the boy filling my senses, made me regret all we did not have…all I did not have….with the one man I wanted to have it all with……I can not help thinking about if he had stayed and yet I know now that he had to go away if only to find himself….I am not the young immature sixteen year old I was when he left who thought only of love and romance…now the world in which I live is full of evil and hatred, people are hunted like animals, punished for measly crimes that deem no more than a spell in the stocks…Stop it Marian…you are beginning to sound like Robin now, and yet I cannot help it. He is ingrained in my very soul for eternity.
His scar…that day I saw his scar, inflicted on him by Guy or so he claims and yet I am not sure, even now. It was an ugly scar and even as I think of it now I wish perhaps I had been there for him when he was unwell…but I was not. I was there however to stitch up his wound. He was irritating but at the same time endearing…pushing me, making me say things which perhaps would have been better left unsaid. It did not help he asked why I was still unmarried…I would have thought he would have figured it out that there was not anyone else to marry, or anyone I would marry and now …now when I would marry him I have to marry someone else…a man I do not love. I have to accept my fate and marry Guy. Robin even had the audacity to ask me to kiss him better. Kiss him better? I did not want to kiss him better I wanted, I needed to punish him, hurt him, still I needed him to know how he hurt me…and so with ungentle stitching with criticising words I did just that and we parted in anger…and I feel remorse for that day. I could have been there for him, so much better than I was.
I wish…He said to me that he wished there were more emergencies and that he thought I was bold and wonderful and his words touched my heart, despite me not wanting them to, but I wanted there to be more times…more excuses to see him too. Even after the Sheriff cut off my hair I knew that I would have to continue to consort with Robin Hood, not only for the sake of the people….but for my sake…my sanity in this crazy world too.