Hello again ;). I am ever so sorry for disappearing for such a long time, I know it's been months now. But I had to study for school but since I finally finished it I think I'll be able to update more frequently. So, hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think of it!

Chapter 11

Concerns

A day without you is a year without sun.

#

But he didn't stay there for long. He desperately needed fresh air. He had no idea what to do and he didn't want to go out just to end up straying around somewhere but he didn't either want to stay in his room.

If I stay here any longer I think I'll explode.

So he went down to see if there was anything he could do. He almost ran into Mrs Hughes in the corridor.

"Ah, Mr Barrow, there you are. I've been looking for you." Seeing the messed up state he was in she crinkled her nose and asked, "Whatever happened to you?"

"I tripped over some nasty root outside" came the short answer.

What a lousy excuse.

However, it doesn't matter.

"What can I do for you?" Thomas asked more politely, changing the subject.

"Oh, yes, um…" Mrs Hughes brought out a light brown envelope. "Would you mind posting this for me? I don't have the time to do it myself so…"

"Of course not. I wanted to go to the village anyway." Thomas took the envelope from her hand.

A letter? I wonder who the recipient is… Maybe she has a suitor…

For the tiniest second Thomas's mood lit up a little at this thought.

Don't be so curious!

However, a nice excuse to go outside and disappear for an hour or two.

These kinds of thought were passing through Thomas's mind when he eyed the square paper in his hand. When he turned towards the door Mrs Hughes held him back.

"Thomas?"

He froze. Slowly he turned around again. Any good spirit vanished leaving nothing but a nervously pounding heart.

Did O'Brien say anything?

"You shouldn't worry so much. James is going to be fine, I'm quite sure. He's a strong young man" Mrs Hughes said quietly.

Thomas relaxed. So O'Brien hadn't spoken up yet.

Maybe I really threatened her. Let's hope that's the case.

Thomas managed a smile. "I'm just concerned, like all of us" he replied.

Mrs Hughes nodded. "Yes, of course. But…tell me, you don't know by any chance what the matter is with Miss O'Brien? She seemed somewhat upset earlier. Not that it is any of my business or that I worry, but…"

Thomas tried to put on an innocent face but he couldn't entirely hide the amused gleam in his eyes.

"No, I'm sorry but I have no clue." And with that Thomas vanished.

#

He walked down the road to the village with only his thoughts to accompany him. What was he supposed to do now that O'Brien knew?

If Jimmy recovers then what will life for us here be like? Will she speak up and tell everything? She would dare if she had the chance and a reason. On second thought she doesn't even need a reason. She just enjoys people fall and watch their lives fade away, get out of control and then shatter on the ground. She enjoys seeing people torn into pieces, suffer from pain and sorrow and never stand up again. She enjoys destroying people's existence. But I never thought she would be capable of a murder though it would be more like manslaughter. But…maybe she didn't actually know how serious it was? Maybe she just wanted to get one over on me? And then, Jimmy lives. But that can change every second…

As soon as the thought had crossed his mind, Thomas chided himself.

Not 'if he recovers'. Jimmy will recover. He won't leave you all alone. He'll get better and that's the only thing that'll change about his condition. It's getting better, not worse. There's no doubt to it.

But in fact, there was. Anna had told him that Jimmy was alive but that his condition was still very critical and delicate. As long as they weren't sure about what Jimmy was suffering from there was no medicine that could cure him.

There was another thing which had troubled him the whole time since his argument with O'Brien. This one sentence Anna had said this morning.

'And don't bother yourself too much with O'Brien. She can be a nasty thing but she wouldn't dare do anything.'

Was it some kind of warning? Did Anna want to tell him that O'Brien knew all along? Or was it just something she said without actually thinking about it?

Yes, it must be that. How should Anna know about O'Brien? And probably she only meant that O'Brien knows about me but not about us. Or that she wouldn't do anything even if she knew which doesn't imply that she knows. But now she does anyway, so…

Thomas shook his head. He decided that there was no point in thinking about O'Brien and dwelling in the problems he and Jimmy would possibly have to face.

And even if, we're going to face them together when the time comes. For now I have to concentrate on the present.

Yes, that was what he had to do. Concentrate on the here and now and look after Jimmy, care for him and be there for him.

Because that's what he needs. There may be no medicine but there's me. And love is the best medicine. And I love you Jimmy. So very dearly. Every moment without you hurts so much. I want you back! I want you here with me by my side all the time and forever!

When he reached the village he recognised that everything was as usual. No sign that anybody knew about the happenings at Downton Abbey.

Good.

But then…why should they worry about a servant?

Thomas merely shook his head. No, they won't worry.

When he stepped out of the post office it was late in the afternoon. The sun had already reached a low point on the horizon. A light breezed made him shudder and he could hear the wind sigh in the trees. The air was warm and the dark fabric of his suit absorbed the sunrays and made him feel better for a short while. Thomas sauntered along the quiet streets of Downton watching other carefree people running their errands when suddenly an idea crossed his mind.

I could…

He turned into a small side street and went to the hospital. If he was here already he could as well look how Jimmy was. Thomas entered the hospital. His path almost immediately crossed Dr Clarkson's.

"Mr Barrow! What are you doing here?" the doctor asked somewhat surprised at the rare sight of Thomas standing in his hospital.

"I had to do an errand in the village and I thought I could…"

"You want to see Mr Kent, right?"

"Would that be possible?"

"Well, he's asleep. I can take you to him but you can't stay for long."

"Of course. Thank you, Dr Clarkson."

Thomas followed the doctor through the rooms where the patients lay on their beds.

"How's he doing?" Thomas asked on the way.

"Well, to be honest…not very good. He still doesn't respond to any medicine and I'm running out of ideas of what I could do" Dr Clarkson answered truthfully.
"But there must be something" Thomas insisted.

"There are methods but they don't work. I'm sorry, but I'm pretty helpless."

"So it's not sure whether he makes it?"

"Well…I don't want to disillusion you but…no. There is a chance and for the moment his condition is stable but I can't help him. He has to defeat the virus himself."

"So you know what it is?"

The doctor shook his head. "Not yet. The symptoms he shows could indicate everything. I can't make head or tail of it. I don't like to admit it but I simply don't know."

Thomas sighed silently. That didn't sound good so far…

"Here we are." The doctor opened a door to another, more isolated room.

Thomas's heart almost stopped beating when he caught sight of Jimmy lying in one of the hospital beds.

"I'll be back in a few minutes." Dr Clarkson turned around and left the room leaving him alone with his sleeping lover.

Slowly Thomas went towards the bed.

My poor Jimmy!

He sat down on the edge of the bed. Ever so careful he reached out a hand and pushed a strand of hair out of Jimmy's face. How peacefully he slept. As if nothing had happened.

I wish it was like this.

Thomas took his lover's hand and sat in silence watching Jimmy sleep.

Oh, Jimmy. You can't imagine what a terrible shock you gave me. I already thought that I'd lost you forever. Don't do this to me again, listen? I love you way too much for that. I don't want to worry about you, Jimmy. I only want that we're happy. That everything's like it was before. I would rather have to hide again than to have to fear for your life.

Come back to me, Jimmy. Please.

I love you.

Thomas leaned in and gently kissed him on the forehead.

"I have to go now. Stay strong, Jimmy. I'll come back, my love. I promise." After a short moment of silence in which he looked at his sleeping lover with a painful sadness in his eyes, he whispered, "I love you, Jimmy."

Dr Clarkson came back a few minutes later and led Thomas out of the hospital. Thomas gave him a curt not for goodbye and made his way back to the abbey.

#

This evening Thomas couldn't find sleep. He lay wake on his bed for hours and just stared at the ceiling. His hand was aching again. This mysterious incident during that horrible dream still made him worry. But the wound was healing. And no one had noticed it so far. Thomas sighed. All sorts of thoughts were going through his mind and kept him awake. He tried to ban them but he wasn't very successful. Thomas turned from one side to the other but it didn't help. He simply couldn't sleep. Without further ado he decided to go out for a late smoke. Quietly he tiptoed through the sleeping house and out into the courtyard. It was rather chilly outside and Thomas shivered when a cool breeze blew his hair onto his forehead. He sat down on the small bench and lit a cigarette.

'Hey, I told you to stop smoking! It's not good for you!'

Jimmy's voice echoed in his head. Thomas blew rings of smoke into the nightly air.

He'd give everything just to be here with Jimmy right now.

He sighed. Nothing was worse than loneliness. Loneliness and this numb feeling of emptiness. He raised his face to the black night sky. The air was clear and cold. The stars were shining down upon him, but this time they were silent. It was as if a thousand indifferent eyes were looking down on him; they saw what was happening but they did not care. Thomas sighed quietly. These stars were familiar to him. He had seen them so many times. But those had been beautiful moments, romantic moments with Jimmy by his side.

Mostly. But not always.

Thomas took another drag of his cigarette.

At least it makes me forget.

But did he really want to forget? He wanted that Jimmy recovered, that everything returned to how it had been before. The rest – the memories of the horrible night and all that – he wanted to forget.

Thomas exhaled a cloud of grey smoke. He coughed. The smoke itched at the back of his throat. Freezing he sat on the bench in the cold and stared into the silent night.

He didn't know for how long he had been sitting there. At some point he stood up and went back inside. His fingers were frozen to icicles. He sneaked up the stairs and into his room and closed the door. He undressed and lay down on his bed. Slowly his eyelids became heavier and finally he felt how he slowly drifted away into a dazed state.

Eventually he was fast asleep.