Read. Just… read.
"Robbie just texted me." I say.
"Oh, yeah? What did he say?" Tori asks.
I contemplate not telling her. But how would she be able to trust me in the future if she finds out I lied to her. I just can't keep it from her.
"Well… let's just put it this way: he's a little upset." I put my hand over my mouth, rereading the text message over and over again. "How could you?" "How could you?" "How. Could. You?"
"Upset? What exactly did he say?"
"He said, 'How could you?' I think he may know about us."
"But he should be happy for us. I mean, he's our friend. He shouldn't be upset about it." She whines.
"That's what I think, too."
"Why do you think he's upset?" She asks.
"Well, the poor guy says he's in love with me all the time. He kissed me at Cow Wow and I may have kissed him back. Now that I think about it, I feel like I lead him on." I lower my head.
"How in the world did you lead him on? I don't understand."
"Tori, I never told him I didn't like him. I just left him hanging. I never gave him closure, I never told him that he wasn't my type, and I just… I… I…. I…" I stutter, doing my best not to cry.
She pulls me into her arms and puts a hand on the back of my head. "Shhh…" She pulls my head out of her shoulder and looks into my eyes. I feel her thumb run across my cheek, wiping a tear that fell.
"What are you so torn up over, love?" she asks, softly.
"Robbie's one of my best friends and I hurt him, Tori." I cry. "I just feel so bad for him. I didn't want to hurt him."
There's a sort of emotion that you feel every now and then that's a cross between sadness and helplessness I don't exactly know what you'd call it. I'm sad because I hurt him. I feel a sense of helplessness because I don't know how to make him feel better about this.
"Cat, baby, you didn't do anything wrong." She says, quietly, soothingly.
"But Tori, I hurt him. I can tell I hurt him. How did I not do anything wrong?"
"You're beating yourself up over this, Cat. This is Robbie's problem. He didn't make a move."
"I just don't know how to make him feel better." I say.
"Cat, let me tell you what a problem with you is." I look up at her, confused. "It's not a bad problem. You just care so much about people that you can't help but feel upset when they're upset. Even if it's not your fault, you can't seem to accept the fact that you didn't do anything wrong. You just keep trying and trying to make them feel better, even though there's no way to. It's one of the things I love most about you."
"So it's a problem?" I ask.
"Yes, it's a problem, but it's not a bad problem. It just means you're a good person."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive." She says. "Maybe you should call Robbie. Just talk to him."
"No, Tori, I can't… I don't think I can handle him right now."
"Do you trust me, Cat?" She asks.
"Yeah, but…"
"Do you trust me?" She asks, a little more sternly. "It's a yes or no question."
"Yes."
"Then you need to trust me when I say that we need to talk to Robbie."
"But I don't want to hurt him." I whine.
"You have got to stop worrying about hurting people all the time. There are people out there who are going to always think of them and never think of you. But, Cat, right now, you need to think of you. Screw other people. Right now… you need to think about us. And if people can't accept the fact that there are things you have to do for you, then they aren't real friends." She says.
"You're right." I say, quietly.
"Call him. Put it on speaker." I nod and pull out my Pear Phone, then I press Robbie's name in my contact list.
While my heart races and my grip on Tori's hand tightens, Robbie answers the phone.
"What do you want?" He asks, sharply.
"Robbie, we just want to talk." Tori says.
"Well, what if I don't want to talk? What if I don't want to convey important information to my friends like someone I know did?"
"Robbie, we didn't… I didn't mean to keep information from you. I was just really busy spending time with Tori. I'm so, so, sorry." I plead with him, hoping he'll accept my apology.
"Well, since you said please…" My eyes go wide with excitement. He accepted the apology!
"Seriously?!" I ask, voice full of joy.
"Of course not. Who in their right mind could forgive you after what you did, Cat?"
"Robbie, you need to take it easy." Tori warns.
"No, Tori. You'd be saying the same thing if you were in my shoes. If you thought you had a chance with the love of your life for the longest time, and that there was a possibility of her loving you back, and then that one little piece of hope was ripped away from you… by one of your best friends… how would that make you feel, Tori?" He asks.
"Honestly, it'd hurt. Bad." She responds.
"Exactly; now put yourself in my shoes for a sec…"
"Now, hold on. You didn't let me finish what I was saying. I was going to say that if Cat was really your true love or 'the love of your life' as you called it, then why wouldn't you be okay with her being with me?"
"Because you aren't me and I'm not with her." Tori smirks.
"See, but you're missing my point here." She starts. She's onto something. "Let me just ask Cat a question. Cat, are you happy with me?" She asks.
"Oh my god, yes. Happier than I've ever been in my life. Why?"
"Well, the only reason I ask is because Robbie here says he loves you. But if he truly loved you, he would be happy that you're happy… even if it's not with him. But obviously, he's very unhappy. Thoughts, Robbie?"
He's silent for a moment. "You're right. I am unhappy Cat is with you."
"I knew it." She says.
"But think about this. Neither of you know what it's like to wake up in the morning knowing that no girls are looking at you. No one thinks you look nice. Every girl you ever met cringes at your appearance. Your puppet makes fun of you… along with the entire student body… You don't know what that's like. Now picture this: you wake up in the morning and you finally start to believe that a pretty girl may be looking at you. You start to get excited knowing that you have a shot at one of the sweetest, most beautiful girls in the school. But then, someone else comes along and rips her right away from you… and you're right back to where you started. You don't know what that's like. My life is like a never ending game of Sorry. Every time I get something good going, I get sent back to start. You don't know what that's like."
There's a pang of guilt deep down inside me. Not because I like him or anything, I just hurt him. Unintentionally, of course, but it still hurt him.
"You're right, Robbie. I don't know what most of that's like. But you know what? I had a version of what you're feeling… before Cat and I began dating." Tori says, quietly.
"And that was…?" He asks.
"I kept seeing her with guys. I saw her with Danny… I saw her with a guy named Jamie… I saw her with that guy that liked her blonde hair. I saw her with you. And I was so angry knowing I couldn't get to her. So don't you tell me that I don't know how you feel."
We were all silent for a long time. Who can blame us?
"I have something to say." I say, barely audible.
"Well say it." Tori says.
"Robbie, I'm sorry I treated you the way I did. And I'm so sorry I led you on. But I'm so happy. You just …" I stop.
"What, Cat? I don't understand? I don't understand how happy you are? Well, you're right. I don't understand. I don't understand what it's like to be so happy that you can't help but smile. Do you know why? Because I don't have your hand in mine." He says.
"Robbie, I know. But you have to believe me when I say that you're a catch. I know you'll find someone that'll treat you better than I did. I just think we should stay friends."
"Well, Cat, with how hurt I am, I just don't think we can be friends right now. I have to go now. My mom said my Spongebob Shaped macaroni is done. Bye." And just like that, it was done.
"Cat, I'm so sorry."
I don't yell… flip out… cry… nothing. I guess I have to say that I saw it coming. I saw the outcome of all this before it happened. I just thought I could change it.
"Maybe he'll come around. Who knows?"
She looks at me funny. "So… you're not upset?" She asks.
"Oh, absolutely. I just braced myself for what he was going to say when I got his first text. I was prepared to feel this way, so I figured out a way to not cry." I say.
It's hard not to cry over things like this. This is big. I feel like I lost a family member today. Robbie was one of my best friends, only behind Tori and Jade.
"Well… you seem tired. I know I'm tired. You seem emotionally drained and I'm… drained physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Why don't you come here and lie down on the bed with me. We can cuddle?" She says, more like a question.
"Are you asking me or telling me?" I ask.
"Which do you think?" She winks. For the moment, sadness is covered up by a small grin on my face as I lay down with Tori in her hospital bed.
"Don't worry, sweet girl. I know you're hurting right now. But I promise, I'll take care of you."
It's been five and a half weeks since everything happened with Robbie. It's been five weeks and he hasn't said more than ten words to me over that amount of time. And he hasn't said much more to Tori either. But as Tori said, I can't be worried about people all the time. I have to worry about me some.
And that's just what I'm doing. I'm worrying about me and Tori.
It's amazing how much a relationship can grow stronger in just two months. It feels like we've been together for a year. In those two months, we tried new things. New things that weren't new to us as individuals, but new to us as a couple; things we had never done together. We went to a movie by ourselves for the first time. Tori held my hand and kissed me numerous time during that Liam Neeson movie, Non Stop. I don't even know how it ended. I was too busy staring at her.
We went on a picnic. We'd never done that together. I found a nice place that was pretty secluded. I brought some good Italian food I made with Nona's recipes and we at it. All of it. It was easily the best picnic ever.
After we ate, we just lay on the blanket and looked up at the clouds passing us by. About thirty minutes later, I found myself in her arms. Have I mentioned that it's my favorite place in the world to be?
In fact, in her arms is where I am presently. It's early in the morning and we've just woken up. She kisses the top of my head and squeezes me tightly.
"Good morning, precious." She coos.
"Hi." I mumble, quietly.
"How'd did my baby girl sleep?" She asks.
"I always sleep well with you. Are you new here?"
"Perhaps…" she laughs.
I lean up and kiss her soft lips, ever so gently. "What about you? How did you sleep?"
"I slept very well. I'm not sure I'm through yet, either."
I roll over onto my side to face her. "Can we talk for a minute?"
Her facial expression changes at my sudden serious tone. She sits up in bed.
"Of course. What's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing's wrong. I just had a dream last night and I thought it would be a good idea to talk to you about it. Can I?" I ask.
"Yeah, absolutely. You don't have to ask to talk to me about things." She says, rubbing my arm.
"Have you ever had a dream where… like… I had this dream where… I, uh…" It's embarrassing to talk about.
"Take your time, Cat." Tori says.
"I… had this dream where you and I were…" I raise my eyebrows, trying to make her see that I'm talking about sex.
"Were what? Shopping? Eating, what?"
"Doing stuff." I say. "Dirty stuff."
I can see the gears working inside her head. She nods. "Well, um… okay. Well, let's talk about that. What do you think caused you to have that dream?"
"I honestly have no clue, Tori. I've never had a dream like that before. This is all just really weird." I say.
"Oh, I understand. I'm sure it's very confusing. But I'm sure we can figure it out." She smiles. "Do you know what those dreams are called?" She asks. I shake my head no. "They're called wet dreams. And they're completely normal."
"They are?"
"Yes, they are. They just happen when you think about someone a lot and you want to… get busy."
"Busy? Like with school work?" I ask.
"Well, kind of like that. Except, it's not like that… whatsoever. They usually happen when someone wants to… have sex."
Okay, so this makes sense. All that's going on is I want to have sex with Tori. Amazing.
"So… all this really means is that I want to have sex with you?" She nods. "Did you ever have them about me?"
"Cat, that's a highly inappropriate question. Why did you ask me that?"
"Because I want to know if you want to have sex with me." I say, bluntly.
She's stunned. I can tell.
"Well… uh…"
"Your journal said so." I chuckle.
"Really, you're going to bring up the journal again?" She asks.
I nod and laugh.
"I don't know, Cat. This is all a little fast, you know? I just don't want to rush things. I don't want anything to be ruined."
"I agree." I say. "That's why I wanted to talk to you about it; to make sure you're ready. And you aren't. And that's okay."
"So what you're saying is you're ready?"
"Well, if you say that dream means that I want to do it, then yes, I am."
We sit there for a moment, quietly. You could hear a pin drop in the bedroom.
"Fuck it." She says, throwing the covers off of her. She climbs on top of me and begins sucking on my neck. Although it's an amazing feeling- to have her on top of me- I can't help but start thinking.
"Tori, hold on." I say, making her sit up.
"I thought you were ready." She whines.
"I am. Don't you worry. But maybe we should have a nice night planned before we do it, you know?" If you ever watch a romantic comedy, there's always something leading up to sex. Every single time.
"You're right. Maybe that's a good idea. I'll tell you what: we should go talk to some people about what to expect. They can give us some do's and some don'ts. I could talk to Trina because everyone knows she's been in half the beds in LA. Maybe you could talk to Jade or something. How does that sound?"
"I think that's an amazing idea. I'll call Jade to come get me and you can just go talk to Trina when I leave." I say, smiling.
"Awesome." She kisses me, gets out of bed, and walks downstairs.
I pick up my Pear Phone and call Jade.
"What?!" Her voice comes loudly through my speaker.
"Jade, it's almost that time." I say.
"Time for what, dingus?"
"Tori and I are going to have sex tonight and it's my first time. I need advice. Please?"
"I'm already on the road."
Jade arrived within fifteen minutes. She was ecstatic when I got into her car.
"My little Cat is going to get jiggy with it for the first time! I can't believe it!" She says.
"I can't believe it either, to be honest with you." I say.
"What made you decide to finally do it? This is a really big decision. I'm sure it took a bunch of thought, did it not?"
"Well, do you want me to tell you how the conversation came up?" I ask. She nods. "Well, what happened was, uh… well, Tori called what I had a wet dream… about her."
Jade busts out laughing, swerving all over the road, doing her best not to hit anyone.
"Are you serious?" She asks.
"One hundred percent. I brought it up to her and she said that those things happen when someone really wants to… you know… with… someone, I guess." I struggle to spit out my words, but I do.
"Okay, and where did the conversation go from there?" She asks.
"Well, it really didn't go much farther. We just asked each other if we were ready. At first, Tori said she thought it was a little soon, but then she almost ripped my clothes off. She changed her mind. And I originally had said that I was ready, so it was really up to Tori."
"And just to make sure, you are ready right? Because I don't want to give any advice if you aren't." She says.
"I- I think I'm ready."
"Yes or no, Cat?"
After a moment of thinking, I realize that, yes, I am ready. And yes, I couldn't think of anyone else to have my first time with than Tori.
"Yes… I'm ready." I gulp.
"Okay… well… what do you want to know? I can't promise you I can answer all your questions because I don't know much about Lesbian sex and what's considered pleasurable." She says. "But feel free to ask anything you need to."
"Well, I guess the biggest thing I'm worried about is pleasuring me but not her. I want to be sure we're both enjoying it and not just one of us. What are your thoughts on that?" I ask.
"From what I know, sex is such an intimate thing that there's no way you won't pleasure your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you truly feel strong about someone, there's no way you could let them down. This is going to be so emotional for you, Cat. And if you put all your emotion into what's going to happen tonight… you'll do just fine."
Jade can be loud. Harsh at times. And just downright disrespectful. But if you need her to be serious, she will be. And she came through for me today.
We hang out at her house for a while before she takes me back home to Tori. Butterflies are multiplying by the second in my stomach. I honestly don't think I've ever been this nervous in my life.
I say goodbye to Jade and walk into the house to see a frazzled Tori in the kitchen trying to make dinner. There's trash everywhere. Her hair is in a messy bun. Her apron is filthy. She looks ridiculously stressed. I enter the kitchen and say hello.
"Hi!" I say.
"Hey, baby girl." She says.
"Whatcha doin'?" I ask sweetly.
"Just making us a little dinner. Nothing special, really."
"You looked stressed."
"I am, a little. Is it obvious?"
"Maybe a little." I laugh. I grab her hand and kiss it. "How about we just… skip dinner this time and relieve a little stress? What do you say?"
"I think that sounds like an amazing idea." She smiles.
"Wait, what about your parents?" I ask.
"Trina took them out for a while. When I talked to her, she said she understood that this was private and that we really need to be alone. So she took them out to dinner." She says. I smile.
We walk into the bedroom while exchanging sweet but passionate kisses. She pulls away from me.
"What do we do now? Do we just… start?" She asks.
"I guess so." Maybe we'll get into the grove of it after we start.
She leans in to kiss me. Her soft lips on my truly make me begin to feel more comfortable by the second. There's just something about them.
She runs her tongue over my bottom lip, sending chills all over my body. She then lets me push her down onto the bed where I'm on top of her. Staring down at the beautiful face of my beautiful girlfriend, I realize that there is no more nervousness. No more butterflies… only love.
I slowly raise her shirt up to reveal the bruises from where Hayley had hit her like a punching bag. They haven't fully healed yet. I place small kisses on each of the bruises, hoping to make them feel better.
Jade was right. We aren't even half way finished and this is already an extremely emotional time for me. It's amazing what sort of emotions one person can make you feel. And right now, I'm feeling too many to count. Happiness, excitement, lust, eagerness… all good things.
Soon enough, I muster up the courage to remove my shirt and bra after she does the same thing. She reaches up to cup my breasts. I lean down to kiss her neck, leaving small marks on each place I go to.
Her soft skin against mine is like no other feeling in the world. It's like when you get first place in the school talent show and eating a bowl of ice cream. They're both amazing things. It just makes me happy.
Our kisses start out nice and sweet like any other couple's kisses would, but as things progressed, they began to speed up and become more passionate. Everything sped up. Tori's hips jerked forward as I continued to kiss her neck.
She pushes me back again. She looks deep into my eyes. "I just want you to know that there is no one on the planet that I'd rather be doing this with. I promise you this. I want you, Cat… only you." She whispers.
Teary eyed, I nod. "I was just thinking the same thing." I smile and return to kissing her.
"I need more." She says. And I know just where to go.
I pull her pants off by the belt loops with my thumbs, trying not to be too obvious while I horndog. But it's sex. So why not horndog a little? I take a little time to think about what to do next.
"Who invented underwear?" I ask.
"Stupid people." She says, removing hers. My eyes go wide. I was so not expecting that to happen so soon.
"Um… uh… yeah… um…" I stutter.
"You okay there?" She asks.
"Yeah, I'm just… really nervous." I swallow extremely hard.
"I'm not. I feel so comfortable with you. I'm not even close to being nervous." She says. I want to be with her, too, but there is no way I won't be nervous.
She turns me over so that my back is laying on the bed. She kisses from my neck to my collarbone, my collarbone to my chest, and then moves from my chest to my breasts. This causes a sharp breath from me. I inhale loudly, slightly shocked at what's happening.
She makes it hard to suppress moans as she flicks her tongue over a nipple. But nothing could've prepared me for what came next.
Tori entered my pants with her hand and found my clit.
"Oh, god, Tori." I moan. I remember what Jade and I were talking about… pleasuring each other… both people. I can't leave her out.
My knee finds its way in between her legs. I feel her begin to grind against it. Her moans are growing louder.
"Cat, that feels amazing. I… oooh-ohh."
All of the muscles in my body tense as I reach my climax. She follows right behind me and her body collapses on top of mine.
I turn her chin towards me and kiss her lips. When we pull apart and just lie there in each other's grasp.
"I don't think you understand just how much I appreciate how comfortable you are around me, Cat. You make me so happy. And when you trust me with something like that… It just make it so much better."
"You're acting like this was your idea to do this." I laugh.
"Well, I came up with the idea to talk to Jade and Trina." She says.
"Yes, yes you did." I kiss her temple.
"Can I just ask you a question?" She asks.
"Of course…"
"Why did you want to do it?"
"Because I felt like our relationship was ready for it. If it was going to ruin anything, I wouldn't have even brought it up." I say.
"Well good." She says. "I think I'm going to take a shower. Thank you for that, Cat." I smile as she walks into the bathroom.
"And in case you didn't pick up on it, you'll be joining me in the shower." She laughs. With that, I quickly pick myself up off of the bed and run into the bathroom without any arguments.
How did I do? I felt like the sex scene wasn't very good. But hey, tell me if you like it. Tell me if you don't… it's whatever. And make sure to follow me on Twitter for some updates on the chapters to come. AT Broncoboy13FF! Do it now!