Sincere thanks to my inspirational beta, Con

Thanks also to Kathy W for her invaluable advice.

Broken

Chapter 11

He was exhausted, all his energy spent, and all he had accomplished so far was to move from his bed to his chair. It had been a long and involved process; albeit a necessary one, but still how he resented it. It had taken almost two hours, time he knew his father and brother could not spare.

Clean, shaven and dressed, he now sat in his wheeled chair, a sheep's pelt placed beneath him to lessen the pressure and friction on his now prone to breakdown skin. While he sat so idly, his family remained busy, clearing away the items used to ensure his comfort. Scott could only look on, feeling utterly useless.

They made it all look so effortless. If there had been any revulsion by what they had had to do for him that morning, they had hidden it well. His father and brother had chatted away as if last night had never happened. As much as he'd wanted to apologise, he'd been determined to wait until he had a little dignity on his side, believing an apology delivered from his chair carried more weight than one made when one of them was wiping his backside!

His room was fast resuming its orderly appearance, his bed now neatly made, his window thrown open to allow in the morning breeze. Sunlight streamed in uninvited, casting a cheery glow where earlier gloom had reigned. He felt strangely calm, something he had not felt since learning his fate. Now! He had to do it now.

"Johnny, Murdoch, please, sit down. I have something to say to you both."

Both men stopped what they were doing. Glancing at each other, they then sat down side by side on the blond's bed. Each man eyed him expectantly, their faces suddenly pinched, taught with worry over what they were about to hear.

Scott stared back, allowing his feelings to surge to the fore, as they needed expressing not burying. He loved these two men, knew he was incredibly lucky to have them in his life. Unfortunately, however, he no longer belonged in theirs. But it was vitally important for them to know and accept that he wasn't rejecting them; they were and always would be, the two most important people in his life.

"First, the apology I owe you both, especially you Johnny. I said some terrible things last night, unforgivable things, and yet you have clearly forgiven me. You know I didn't mean what I said, and that I would never hurt you intentionally. So you've set last night aside, placed it on the forgive and forget pile, which by now must be about ready to teeter over where I'm concerned…"

Scott paused and forced a small smile "It says something doesn't it, about how far we've come? What we mean to each other. How we feel about each other. I love you both and I know you love me, even though I've not been very easy to love or even like recently.

"I don't even like myself, not the way I am, and I don't mean the paralysis. Yes, I hate that too, everything about it in fact, but I hate the bitterness I feel even more. I can't see it lessening, not when I'm surrounded by reminders of what I can no longer do, reminders of the man I no longer am." He stopped for a moment, glancing down at his legs, before quickly looking back at his father and brother and continuing.

"That's why I can't stay here. I have to move on and to do that I have to move away, back to Boston. I'm certain I can lead a more productive life there, a life I can be happy with." Certain? No, Scott was no such thing, far from it in fact, not under that roof, and certainly not with the perfectionist who lived there. Pushing away those thoughts, he pressed on. "It's a lot to ask I know but I'd like your understanding and more importantly your blessing."

Johnny swallowed his protest, knowing it would do no good. Not that he had given up hope of his brother changing his mind. The brunet knew Scott better than anyone, and had seen a flicker of doubt in the blue eyes; he knew Scott wasn't being completely honest with them.

"I don't think you've thought this through Son…" Murdoch began only for Scott to hold up his hand, a silent plea to his father to listen.

"I promise you I have Sir. It is all I have thought about since Dr Barns' visit. It's partly why I've been so hard to live with. It's probably the most important decision I've ever had to make and I now know it to be the right one. Nothing you say will alter my decision, so please, don't make this more difficult than it has to be."

JMLJMLJMLJML

The grim faced doctor set his bag down on Murdoch's desk and eyed his old friend questioningly "Scott tells me he's returning to Boston!"

"Yes" Murdoch replied snapping shut the ledger he had been working on.

"And you agree with that decision?"

"I most certainly do not!" The rancher snarled back as he lurched to his feet. "It's the last thing I want him to do. But he's got it into his head that it's the best thing for him, that it's the only option he has."

Shaking his head, Murdoch turned and walked towards the large window behind his desk. Gazing out at the great expanse that was Lancer, he sighed and in a voice laden with sadness continued, "I'm going to lose that boy again, Sam."

"You haven't lost him yet!" Sam declared walking over to stand alongside the younger man.

"It's just a matter of time! He doesn't believe there's a future here for him any more, and I don't know how to convince him that there is, albeit a very different one to what he'd once envisioned."

"So you're not even going to try?"

Rounding on the smaller man Murdoch countered, "I'd lock him in his room if I thought it was the right thing to do!"

Sam ignored his friend's angry outburst asking calmly "So you do think he'd be better off in Boston?"

Throwing up his hands and shrugging, unconsciously emphasising the uncertainty he felt, Murdoch answered, "I honestly don't know! He very well could be and if that is the case how can I stand in his way? I want what's best for him Sam, and if that means letting him go then…then isn't that what I should do?"

"But you're not convinced and from what I can gather neither is he!"

"What do you mean? What has he said?" The rancher demanded, grasping at what appeared to be a faint but definite glimmer of hope.

"Oh no doubt the exact same things he's said to you, BUT his guard was down when he spoke to me. He wasn't trying to convince me that his heart was in the decision. I think that boy is letting his head overrule his heart. Lying to himself and deceiving you in the process! He's doing what he thinks is best for all of you"

"What's best for all of us? How can his leaving be for the best?" Murdoch asked mystified by the doctor's words.

"Right now he considers himself a burden to you all…"

"He's no such thing!" The taller man spluttered.

"Of course he's not." Sam readily agreed. "But that is how he sees himself and with good reason, as far as he is concerned. So much has to be done for him. His independence has been taken away from him…"

"But only in the short term..."

"Yes exactly! We need to get that message through to him, but I don't believe he will be very receptive until he starts doing more for himself, regaining some independence. It will take a little while to get him to that point. Anyway, I've told him I don't want him making such an arduous journey for at least another month, and he's agreed, so time is on your side Murdoch. Time is a valuable ally, one you must make use of. You have a month to open those blinkered eyes of his. It won't be easy, he's at least as stubborn as his sire, but I'm certain this is a battle you can win."

The patriarch stared back at his oldest friend, renewed hope shining in his eyes "I won't let him go without a fight, and neither will Johnny. You're right Sam, this is a battle we can and will win!"

JMLJMLJMLJML

Father and son sat despondently by the kitchen table, the sandwiches and coffee prepared for them by Maria remained untouched. The reason for their dark mood lay upon the table. It certainly looked innocent enough, but both knew the envelope's contents could lead to the disintegration of their family. The addressee, a man they disliked and were both highly suspicious of, the neatly written name leapt off the paper at them, seemingly mocking them.

"You know that letter could get lost!" Johnny stared into his coffee deliberately avoiding eye contact with his father.

"Well it wouldn't be the first missive to go astray!"

The dark head snapped up, would his father really consider such a ploy? One look at the older man's stern face told Johnny the idea had been dismissed. He quickly averted his gaze again, suddenly a little ashamed for having such an underhanded thought, but still he was eager to explain the reasoning behind it "I just thought it would give Scott a little more time to come to his senses."

"As much as the idea appeals to me John, I don't think we should resort to such tactics. It could easily backfire on us."

The youngest Lancer shrugged "Well I ain't posting it!" He would play no part in Scott's decision to leave. Johnny knew how childish he had sounded, but he didn't care. Violently stabbing at the letter with his index finger he added a vehement "I just don't trust that old coot to do right by Scott!"

Murdoch heaved a sigh "Neither do I"

Silence fell between the two men both lost again in their own troubled thoughts. Suddenly a muffled thud shook them out of their reveries.

"Scott?" Johnny breathed in alarm, as he jumped to his feet, and ran from the room.

Murdoch ran after his younger son, both charging headlong down the hallway to the blond Lancer's room.

A string of expletives greeted them, along with a heart stopping sight. Scott lay on the floor, his wheeled chair toppled over on top of him. Both men hurried to his side words of concern spilling from their lips.

"I'm alright!" Scott snapped, "Stop fussing!"

"We're not fussing!" Murdoch retorted tossing aside the upturned chair.

"What happened?" Johnny demanded as he helped his brother to sit upright.

"I thought I could get myself onto the bed, but apparently I thought wrong…"

"Why didn't you ring the God damned bell?" Johnny asked angrily

"Because Brother, I wanted to do something for myself, without needing or asking for anyone's help!" Scott replied as he slapped his brother's hands away.

Realizing this was something they should really be encouraging, Murdoch shot his younger son a warning look and forced some calm into his voice. "Well until you've mastered the manoeuvre, can I suggest you only attempt it when one of us is present?"

Scott nodded sheepishly. He had been foolish to try he supposed, as he still lacked the strength he needed in his upper body. Still, he had almost made it proving to himself it was possible!

TBC

Molly