Two hours, a bowl of warm plomeek soup and a lot of abortive attempts at moving around later, Tw'eak found herself at loose ends. All of the reports which had needed reading, all of the reports which had needed filing, all of the many, many reports - including her own log - would simply have to wait. She wanted to rest, so she did. Every now and then, on her bed, she would make an effort to extend a limb or stretch her back, or her shoulders, but it was mostly hopeless. Now she wasn't certain she would easily be able to get back up again. She could always rely upon her right arm, if nothing else, but short of a rope ladder tumbling from the ceiling, she lacked the means to get herself up.

She lay there for a while, looking up intermittently at the ceiling, the bulkheads and the lights. Even as dim as they were in this part of her room, the lights were irritating. "Computer, turn the lights off, please," she asked, and the room complied. Lying in the darkness, she couldn't bring herself to sleep. The desire was there, but the phantoms of ideas half-formed fluttered through her conscious thoughts, and the dialogue she held with herself became less rational, without a meaningful root in the present moment.

The chime of the door caused her to twitch and hurt as she tried to react by springing up out of bed. "Ah! Ouch! Computer, lights!" She made a desperate effort to sit up, clawing at the bedsheets with her right hand, but she didn't want to move. "Who's there?"

"Counselor T'uni has activated the door chime," the computer responded as the lighting level in the room rose.

"Come in."

T'uni entered the room, and the sight of Tw'eak floundering in an effort to stand up straight made her move quickly to her friend's side. "You may remain still. I am unconcerned with your appearance, unless you require medical-"

"Just help me up, please?" Tw'eak reached an arm out to T'uni, who placed her shoulder under Tw'eak's and helped to lift her into a sitting position, then to a standing one. "Thank you."

"Now what?" T'uni asked.

It was a valid question. The nearest seat was in the next room, and it wasn't even at her desk. In the meantime her joints cried out for the comforts of bed. "I'm not sure," Tw'eak acknowledged. "I was hoping you'd figure it out."

"Please allow me to return you to your bed."

"It's no place for a captain."

"You are not on duty. It is illogical for you to hold yourself to the standards of duty when you are medically incapable of performing such duty."

"Is it really now?" Tw'eak tried to stand, but she felt herself roll hard into T'uni, who caught her and eased her gently back into a seated position on the bed.

"You need not worry about propriety and the standards of conduct. Let me assure you that I have intervened in worse crises during my service as a ship's counselor."

Tw'eak rolled onto her back, using her right arm and T'uni as her strength. She was careful not to bump her sensitive antennae against the headboard of the bed. They were tucked in near to each other in a pose characteristic of embarrassment. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this."

"I am not. You quickly forget that I have known you in worse states before." She sat down upon the edge of the bed as she recalled. "When I came to visit you after your injury in combat on stardate-"

"Look, what I mean is, I'm sorry you have to be my ship's counselor at a moment like this."

"I do not understand. You yourself requested me for this posting personally."

"And I'm sorry I did." Tw'eak felt herself growing impatient.

"Am I not performing adequately in the role?"

"That's not it."

"I have received no indications from you previous to now-"

Exasperated, Tw'eak lashed out. "Damn it, T'uni, I don't want anyone to see me like this. But especially not you." She raised her right hand to her face, unable to roll and turn away.

"I understand. You are rarely comfortable in a state of physical weakness."

"It's more than that. I feel... I don't know, I feel like I'm slowing down or something. Getting weaker as time goes on." She waved her hand around. "Like everything is just going past me all the time."

"I do not believe that to be the case. You were more than a match for those Hirogen. You handled yourself in an admirable fashion. And you safeguarded the lives of the vast majority of this crew."

"We lost a lot of good people - pilots, technicians, officers. If I hadn't listened to one of them, I'd be part of a Hirogen's trophy cabinet by now," Tw'eak sighed. "Good people. I knew a lot of them. I don't know if I want to anymore."

"I... don't understand."

"There was a time when an officer like Shepard Clark or Tucker Sharpe would've been the kinds of people I would've befriended, would've been close to, been inseparable. But I've lost so many friends over the years that I don't want to get too close to anyone any more."

"Ah. Now I understand. You are attempting to compensate for future casualties by insulating yourself from developing any attachment to them at all."

"That's it."

"That makes no sense." T'uni shook her head. "Your efforts will clearly be in vain - and even if you are successful in shielding them from you, they will formulate their own perceptions and understandings of you as their commanding officer. Chances are that their perceptions will be far different from what you may expect. They may find you to be cold, unpopular, perhaps even incompetent."

Tw'eak narrowed her eyes. "You're saying they won't trust me."

"Precisely. They will not know you. Leadership requires you to set the example. Besides which, you already do set the example. Are you aware of the high opinion in which Lieutenant Doucette holds you?"

"Yes," Tw'eak admitted. Aurora Doucette's attitude towards her captain varied between fawning and adulating. Sharpe had once referred to her as "the captain's puppy" in jest, perhaps a step too far, but it fit. Aurora's capability and resolve in combat situations during ground missions was exemplary, second only to Octavia as a combat engineer in all of Tw'eak's experience. Still, there was no denying that Tw'eak was a role model for the emerging leader and officer that Aurora was becoming, and even Tw'eak herself had to admit as much. "It's a bit much to deal with, actually."

"Of course. Such attentions always are - but for both parties. After all, were you to lose your temper or speak harshly to her, imagine the repercussions. She would never look at you the same way again."

"That's not the same thing as keeping to myself, reserving my counsel, that sort of thing. Captain's prerogative, of course, but I can never let myself get close to anyone."

T'uni gave her commanding officer a withering look. "Are you referring to sexual activity?"

Tw'eak nearly sat up. "No! No. No, I can't." She shook her head. "Well, not the proper Andorian way, anyway. Maybe that's part of it." T'uni looked confused. "All that time I spent among your people and you never researched mine?" Tw'eak snarked in reply.

"On the contrary, I am attempting to ascertain whether you mean reproductive sexual activity, what among your people requires four bondmates and is known as the shelthreth."

"Yes. I can't, you know that. I don't carry what I need to be part of the shelthreth. It should start with me, but something, whether it's genetic or something I was exposed to... I can't have children." Tw'eak felt her emotions start to overwhelm her. It was not a topic she addressed easily. "I've known for all my service in Starfleet. I can never be Whole."

T'uni pointed considerately at Tw'eak. "That phrase has a specific meaning in Andorian culture. To live as part of a bonded group, as a family, is to be Whole."

"And without the Whole, there is nothing. Yeah, I know."

"Is this part of what motivates you to take such risks in combat, do you suppose?"

"I don't know. I used to think like Octavia thinks, that this was my family, this crew. But that makes me the matriarch, and I'm just not okay with having buried so many of my children anymore, if that's what they're supposed to be." Tears ran down Tw'eak's face, despite her best efforts to stop them, and her voice became very quiet. "I wasn't built to be Whole."

"Is this perhaps part of the reason why you rejected Andorian customs? You lived on Vulcan for some time."

"Yes. when my Time of Knowing arrived, to learn my bondmates, the Eveste Elders, the people in charge of arranging the shelthreth, arranged for me to meet with a chirurgeon to have tests and to be sure that I could be bonded. The tests revealed that I have Sh'landas Syndrome." T'uni began to speak, but Tw'eak held up her hand. "It's okay. At least it is now. But at the time, finding out that if I was part of the bond we would never have children... it was devastating for all of us. There are few things worse you can do to a shen. I felt an outcast among my own people. So, I left." She shook her head. "I keep in touch with them, you know, from time to time. They have lots of beautiful children together. And me? I took my syndrome to Vulcan and tried not to feel anything for a while."

T'uni made a bit of a noise, then said, "As I am a Vulcan whose job it is to assist and to support the crew with their emotional balance, it has been pointed out to me on several occasions that my service in this position constitutes a considerable irony. Ensign Chowalski once told me it made as much sense as having a Saurian for a hairdresser."

Tw'eak smiled through her tears, appreciative. "It's a point I can understand. Anyway, I just feel out of place everywhere, especially now that I'm in command. I feel like it's easier to hide, like it's easier to get in harm's way." She laughed. "I kind of envy my sister, Dashii. She's so much more... into that sort of thing than I am. She meets the right guy - whoever he happens to be in the moment - and she just goes for it, even though she has a bond group of her own back home. I wouldn't know the right guy if I fell over him in the corridor."

"To be fair, it would be inappropriate for you to indulge in a relationship with anyone onboard while they are under your command."

"I know that, but even if I could, I wouldn't know where to start. I mean, how exactly am I supposed to go about finding someone who won't ask about my scars, who doesn't mind coming a distant second to my duties and responsibilities, who doesn't care that I'm in harm's way so much of the time?" Tw'eak touched her ridged forehead and considered for a moment. "I mean, maybe I'm better off alone."

"In the romantic sense, perhaps. I can offer little advice on the subject, as my own betrothal and marriage were conducted in the traditional Vulcan style, which perhaps makes me a worst-possible candidate to discuss an unorthodox relationship involving an infertile shen Andorian female."

Tw'eak smiled. "Well, when you put it that way, yes."

"But I know you have attempted to engage in relationships with others, notably Captain Shon, whose path we recently crossed in the combat over Mylasa VII."

"Va'kel and I go back a long way, but not like that. He was already bonded when we were at the Academy together, and I wasn't about to become a fifth warp nacelle. We've always had a competitive interaction with each other, though, and it would be nice to keep in touch. Of course, his bondmates and family were all killed or assimilated by the Borg on the Vega colony. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to try to start something that wasn't ever there before."

"It was just a suggestion."

"Besides, he'd love that. Oh, that just killed me, to know it was him coming to the rescue. Just what he's always wanted!" She chuckled to herself. "I would hate to hear him gloat about it now. And I'm sure he would, too."

"On the contrary. When I spoke to him earlier, he seemed most concerned about your well-being."

Tw'eak nearly sat upright in bed. "What do you mean, spoke to him?"

"You were unavailable, so I took the liberty of informing him that you were alive, recovering, and doing well."

"You did? What else did you tell him?"

"I provided few details, as I felt it would have been inappropriate."

Tw'eak seemed to deflate as she sank slowly back onto the bed. "I see."

"But he asked if it would be possible for him to pay you the compliments of a visit before the Belfast clears the Sol system later this week. I believe I recall him having referred to you as 'the heroine of the Mylasa system'. I advised him I would provide him with a response as soon as it was feasible."

"And when were you going to tell me all of this?"

T'uni arched an eyebrow. "It was the reason I came by. That, and to see how you were."

Tw'eak reached behind her head with her good arm and swung a pillow across towards T'uni, striking her on the side of the head.

"It's just the way I remember it," Tw'eak remarked to Aurora as she looked around her ready room. Her new ready room, she noted, on a replaced bridge module - first priority for the engineers handling the repairs on the Bonaventure.

Aurora smiled from where she stood on the opposite side of the desk. "Thank you, ma'am. I looked after everything myself - everything is just as you left it, except... I'm sorry about the carpet colour. According to my scans the previous ready room was a sort of 'haze blue' colour while this is definitely not."

"It's not a big concern," Tw'eak replied from where she had been seated, behind the desk of a room decorated in taupe rather than haze blue. "What matters more is what's going on out there." Just outside the door, bridge stations were being re-calibrated by bridge officers who tested and re-tested the simulated response of various systems. Out on the hull, the duranium plating was being refitted and repaired, in a couple places including sections from within the saucer which had been compromised by impact. Down in the flight deck, old pilots were breaking in new pilots, runabout bays were being refilled by repaired or replaced shuttlecraft, and the Bonaventure was slowly returning to normal. Tw'eak looked up at Zed, who was busily scanning her with a medical tricorder. "Everything all right?"

"Your tendons and cartilage are no worse for the trip up here, and your back is healing nicely," he answered. "Even the few stumbles you made... you seem to be recovering very well."

"Are you sure you're comfortable, ma'am?"

"I'm sure I'm not, Aurora, but thanks."

"If you just don't stand up for any reason, and leave your chair facing this way-"

"I suppose this rules out going to the bathroom," Tw'eak joked.

Aurora looked like she was about to faint. "Oh no! I hadn't thought of that. Okay, let me get-" She started to move around the side of the desk. "You have to? Right now?"

Tw'eak raised her right hand. "Relax, I was kidding."

"But -okay, if you do, um... oh, I know. I can stay on the bridge while you're in here and if you need any help you can call me!"

Zed interrupted "To be fair, it should be a medically-qualified officer assisting the captain with-"

"Can we all please stop discussing my bodily functions for just a minute and remember our places, please?" Tw'eak tried to keep her voice quiet and soft, but an edge crept into her tone as she spoke. "I'm sorry, I just... I'm not really looking for contingency planning at the moment, that's all. Why don't we say that, in the event of any... non-medical situations arising, I'll ask Counselor T'uni to join us? She's medically rated and more than capable. And she'll be on the bridge."

"Oh, good idea!" Aurora exclaimed. Zed nodded and smiled.

"That's assuming I can't ask Captain Shon for assistance, of course. He's a big boy, he can help."

Zed chuckled. "Of course." He patted Tw'eak on the shoulder. "You want anything for the pain?"

"No, I'll be fine. If I change my mind I'll let you know. But this is the clearest my head's been in days. I'm kind of looking forward to this."

"It's always nice to see old friends," Aurora mused. "I remember one time when my sister Bianca came to visit, when she was just out of the Academy, and she was sitting at the desk in my quarters when I came in, and she surprised the hell out of-" Aurora caught herself in mid-sentence, and stood straight, adjusting her uniform tunic. "It was nice, that's all, ma'am. Sorry."

Tw'eak smiled appreciatively. "Don't worry about it. I try not to let my sister onboard ship. She's a lot more... liberal about regulations than I am."

"Oh, that's not like Bianca at all- she's so straight-laced, always the good girl. I guess I am too, but I don't- oh, there I go again, always saying too much. Anyway, I should leave you to your meeting. Or date. Or, um, get-together, maybe?" Aurora realized suddenly that both Tw'eak and Zed were watching her, Tw'eak's expression bemused. "God, shut up, Aurora," she muttered to herself.

"It may surprise you to learn that at one point in her career, a young talkative shield distribution officer - an Andorian, as it happened - once got herself in trouble for talking too much around her superior officer."

"You did?"

"She did," Tw'eak corrected. "Although in her case it was because her superior officers didn't appreciate the simple pleasures of idle conversation."

"Oh, okay," Aurora gushed. "Well, um, I should go. Thank you, ma'am."

"Thanks for your help."

As Aurora exited the room, Zed let out a sigh. "She's like an out-of-control shuttlecraft... never know where she's going to end up."

Tw'eak laughed. "We all get nervous around the ones we admire."

"You're right," Zed replied. "She's a good kid."

"A good officer," Tw'eak corrected gently. "A very good officer. I'm lucky to have her - and you, as well. That action against the Hirogen... I wish I'd been there with you both. And Sharpe."

"To be honest, ma'am... well, may I speak freely?"

Tw'eak looked up, surprised. It wasn't like Zed to say much of anything. "Please. Sit down. Not sure how much time we have, but please."

Zed took a seat opposite Tw'eak, looked down at his hands, took a deep breath, and began. "I don't want to speak ill of Commander Sharpe, or his leadership. I mean, I know -that is to say, scuttlebutt has it that you've put in commendations and he might be my captain some day soon, but-"

"Commendations for you and Aurora both, I should add. Not that I like to confirm scuttlebutt, of course."

"Of course." Zed smiled a smile that barely cloaked his mixed feelings. "And thank you. But still, I feel like Sharpe made a mistake in splitting us up. It's not something I feel you would've done - not against an enemy of unknown strength, anyway."

Tw'eak raised a finger to her mouth and considered it. "It's a fair move, especially given that there was no contact with anyone and little idea of where you'd wound up. But yes, given his position and the officers in question, I would've wanted to keep the marines together as a fire team and work to support them."

"Exactly what I thought."

"That still doesn't mean that they wouldn't have split you up anyway. They were beaming you all out left, right and centre. I don't see any reason - at least, not from the reports - why remaining a team of six would've made you less of a target. Might've invited more Hirogen in a bigger ambush, and maybe all six of you don't make it back. Who knows."

Zed nodded. "I see what you're saying."

"Sharpe made his decision, a combat decision, in the moment. And he, and you and Aurora, and all those who died, fought their hardest to prevail. It's part of the reason I chose to affirm, and commend, in my reports rather than critique any one person or group. I can't point to anything and call it a mistake."

"But-" Zed raised a hand. "Respectfully, of course. But I have to believe that we would've had a fighting chance as a group, maybe Eastochou would've come back alive."

"Maybe if Commander Sharpe had led the away team at that research lab, Lieutenant Commander Clark might still be alive."

This was something Zed clearly had not considered. "Ma'am?"

"Think about it. Shep thought he knew what he was doing, and he felt confident enough to try and ambush the Orion matron from behind. Maybe with Sharpe in charge he provides suppressing fire, or covers Sharpe, because he doesn't trust him on ground missions the way he trusted me."

"That's not really a fair statement, though."

Tw'eak raised her hand palm up. "Isn't it, though? Think about it. I have. I've been questioning it ever since he died." She lowered her hand. "Lieutenant Morl is a perfectly capable tactical officer, but not having Shep Clark at the tac station in the last battle meant I had to be sure I explained myself - at least, to myself. Shep was a creative tactical officer, found different ways to get things done. It might've meant we spotted those battlecruisers ahead of time." She shrugged. "Who knows. A wise Vulcan once told me that there are two parts of command: making the big decisions, and living with the consequences."

Zed was struck by the statement. "That's pretty deep. A philosopher?"

"No," Tw'eak replied with a wide grin, "Our ship's counselor." Her smile faded. "I'm fairly certain that, when Commander Sharpe, possibly soon to be Captain Sharpe, feels healthy enough to review his actions, he'll blame himself for Galbreth's death, maybe for Eastochou's and everyone else's on that mission. It never gets any easier. Not for him, not for you, not for me."

"You're right, of course." Zed stood up. "I'm sorry I troubled you with this, ma'am."

Tw'eak raised a hand. "No need. I need the perspective from someone who was there, after all. I was too busy leaping into hull breaches aboard ship to make my own impressions." Zed laughed at this, and Tw'eak continued. "But for what it's worth, the only person I can be certain about pointing the finger of blame at is right back at myself. It's a rare officer in this service who doesn't carry one of their own pointed at them, sometimes for infractions and incidents no one else has even heard of, let alone read a report about. We might as well affix one to the inside of every uniform in the service."

"I know exactly what you mean. I think that's a part of this, that I couldn't save Eastochou, that there were others I couldn't get to in time, like Galbreth."

"But you did get to Sharpe, Zolnaen. He's alive as a credit to your skill. You actually brought a person back from the dead. Not many combat medics can claim to have done that."

"Actually, ma'am, given the resources we have at our disposal, it's pretty rare for us not to-"

"Just take the compliment, would you?" Tw'eak waved the back of her hand towards Zed, as though she was shooing him from the room. "Take it."

"Very well. Thank you, ma'am." He turned to go, then looked back. "Thank you also for the commendation."

"Don't thank me for what you've earned, Lieutenant." She nodded. "And please tell Counselor T'uni to notify me once Captain Shon is aboard. I think I might close my eyes in the meantime." She tilted her head back in the chair.

"Certainly, ma'am." Zed made his way back onto the bridge, leaving his captain to her rest.