Disclaimer: Someone is getting married on Grey's Anatomy soon. I don't know who it is. But if I owned the show it would be Meredith and Derek.

Sorry!! Sorry sorry sorry. I know it's been forever and I'm sorry. I've been busy with work and kind of got in a writing slump which is bad, I know it's bad. Very sorry. But it's here now, finally finished and well...here.

Enjoy!

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He couldn't get her giggle out of his head.

Since the week before, when he had walked her back to the Starbucks, lightly kissing her cheek as he said goodbye the soft melodious sound filled his head whenever he was awake. Even during his surgery earlier that day, he hadn't been able to drown out the addicting sound with the loud music he had filled the OR with, music that had instantly reminded him of their summer together even wehen he hadn't chosen that CD on purpose. But it was the infectious giggle that wouldn't leave him alone, that made the shadows on his ceiling at night seem a little more comforting or something.

Maybe it was because Meredith knew.

"I really think we should go teal for the bridesmaid's dresses, " Madie sighed. "It's the hottest new colour and it will look amazing on all my girls."

"Hmmm..."

"And your eyes would look great against it in the pictures," she nodded firmly, staring down at whatever bridal magazine she had pulled from the mountain she had managed to accumulate over the last few months. "Of course it would make the flowers hard...maybe yellow."

"Yellow works."

"Yellow roses mean friendship though..."

He wasn't happy.

He spent his nights watching the shadows of empty tree branches pass over his ceiling before he usually climbed out of the bed and spent the rest of his night hiding between paperwork and movies he honestly couldn't give a damn about. His days were spent filled with plans with Mark and other friends hoping that something would catch, that he would find something that made him forget about the weird feeling that had been plaguing him for...he had no idea when they had even started. And now he was sitting at the kitchen table, the only thing in his own place that he even liked a little, the simple wooden kitchen table and his fiancee was trying to plan their wedding and he could not even begin to pay attention.

He was sure he had been happy at some point, he clearly remembered being happy when he had bought the ring and asked her to move in. He remembered how good it had felt to hold the diamond in his hand and to lug her boxes into their home. He would have sworn to anyone at the time that this was all he wanted out of life.

And then Meredith had asked him an entirely simple question and he had found himself completely unable to say anything but no.

He wasn't happy.

"And I think we need to choose between a band and a dj," Madie sighed. "I think a band would be much better but that little sister of your s swears we need a dj instead..."

"Hmmm..."

"I mean, a dj sounds like a high school dance and I will not allow my wedding to be like a highschool dance."

"'Course not," Derek nodded.

"A band is just so much classier."

"Yeah."

"Derek, are you even listening to me?"

"I am," Derek nodded quickly. "I just have a surgery on my brain but I'm listening...band, dj, listening."

"Good," Madie nodded firmly, her attention turning back to the magazine in front of her, the spread of bridesmaids dresses in colours that Derek wasn't even sure of the exact name of covering the table.

Wedding planning, he was supposed to be doing wedding planning.

Except he couldn't help but wonder if Meredith was at work right now. She was an advertiser, which was...when he had known her she had no idea what she had wanted to be but it made sense, Meredith Grey being an advertiser made sense. She had given him her work email and he wanted to use it, he wanted to send her a quick message and see if they could get together again, grab a drink at the crowded dark bar where they had first run into each other.

He just needed to see her again.

He needed someone to tell him that it was okay that he wasn't happy and someone to make it feel like...like he could be happy again.

She still smelled like lavender. Besides the giggled, that was the other thing that so clearly stood out, she still smelled like the flower he had spent the summer tangled in and somehow the smell had been calming and comforting, something that reached back to the days where life had been simple and he had known what he wanted. Those had been good days, it had been an amazing summer and walking down the crowded New York street, arm in arm and talking so quietly that it was like they were living in their own secret world it had felt like that again, like maybe now that he could hear the giggle and smell the lavender it would be okay again, that his world could start over.

It sounded insane and like come crap Hallmark movie in his head but he couldn't help but think it.

It probably had something to do with the perfect night of sleep he had fallen into that night and hadn't been able to recrapture since.

"I really need to get on the flowers to make sure we have fresh ones," Madie sighed, apparently still holding the conversation with herself about the wedding they desperately needed to plan. "The fakes are so tacky."

"Okay," Derek nodded slowly.

"I guess I'll get one of the girls to go with me," she sighed.

"Your flowers."

"You really are wrapped up in this surgery, aren't you?"

"Hmmm..." he nodded slowly again.

Ass, he was a complete and total ass. The women he was engaged to, that he had believed himself in love with was trying to plan a wedding and all he could think about was an ex-girlfriend that he barely knew now. It wasn't fair and it was actually wrong. It didn't matter that he wasn't sure if he was happy, Madie deserved more than him thinking of someone else while she was trying to plan her dream wedding.

The bright rock on her finger caught his eyes, reminding him why he was even sitting here. He had asked her to marry him. He had promised her forever.

Even if he wasn't happy, he had no idea how to go back on that promise.

Breakdown, on the shoreline,

Can't move, it's an ebbtide,

Morning don't get here tonight,

Searching for her silver light.

So there it finally was...finally on many levels. Finally because well the update and Derek realizing just how not happy he is with his life right now. And yet, he's Derek and he made a promise so now...he has no idea what to do now. And that is where it is, where he is.

And I may update tomorrow depending on how work goes...probably Thursday at the latest. Promise.

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