CPOV
I looked at Jace skeptically for a moment wondering whether I should push the topic or not.
The faraway distant look was still in his eyes, and I assumed it would probably be better to leave him and the topic alone for now.
Jace stared at the ground appearing to be lost in his thoughts while I stared out across the street.
After a few moments the silence began to get to me and I started fidgeting where I was sitting.
"Jon's drunk." I said abruptly.
Jace didn't raise his head to look at me he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't doubt it. Most the guys on the football team are party animals."
I thought again of something that I could say to him.
"I found Seb kissing another girl." I said quietly.
This time Jace did look up at me. His eyes narrowed and he took in my facial expression.
I guess he was trying to decide how upset I was over the ordeal which in all honesty I still wasn't that upset over because I still plan on breaking up with the bastard.
Jace's eyes softened, "I'm sorry Clare." He whispered.
I shrugged my shoulders, "It doesn't matter to me."
Jace brought his hand up and rested his palm against my cheek.
I didn't do anything. I sat there and stared back at him.
He didn't say anything else about the situation to me.
Instead he sat there with me and hesitantly began to rub his thumb back and forth across my cheek softly.
Neither of us said anything while we sat there.
I said nothing for fear that Jace would snap out of his… mood and then ignore me.
Jace has been the only person who's even been remotely nice to me lately.
I got kicked out of my group at school, Seb just cheated on me, Jon hates me for some unknown reason, but Jace has been kind to me.
I'm not sure how long we sat like that.
The two of us could have sat there for second, minutes, hours, but eventually Jace dropped his hand and stood up.
When he stood up he had his back to me.
After he stretched he turned towards me and offered me his hand.
"Do you want me to drive you home?"
His eyes bore into mine waiting for the answer.
I bit my bottom lip and looked back at the house where my brother and boyfriend were.
They would probably get pissed if I left without them, but more than likely they're going to crash here tonight since they'll be to plastered to get home in one piece.
I returned my gaze to Jace to see him staring at me expectantly.
"I'd like that." I told him quietly.
Jace nodded his head and began walking away.
I assume I was supposed to follow, so after a moment I ran after him trying not to lose him.
When we got to his car he opened the passenger door for me.
As I got in I looked up and gave him a weird look as he closed the door.
After he shut my door he went around the front of the car and got in the driver's seat and buckled himself in.
"You know I can open and shut my own door." I told him while looking out the window.
Jace placed the key in the ignition and looked over at me; I could see it in the window.
"You know what I did was the gentleman thing to do." He replied evenly.
He started the car and pulled away from the party.
"I still could do it on my own." I mutter crossing my arms across my chest.
Jace didn't say anything back to me, but he did sigh.
I watched as the trees passed by us with intense fascination to try and distract myself from the tense awkwardness that was probably building with each minute a word was not said between us.
Suddenly Jace grabbed my hand pulling me from my thoughts.
I turned my head to look at him and met his golden gaze.
He was looking at me like he was waiting for me to say something.
"Well?" He asked.
Jace turned his eyes back onto the road for a few moments before turning to look back at me.
I tilted my head to the said a little, "Well what?" It came out a lot harsher than I intended.
Jace seem unfazed by this and simply repeated what I assumed to be what he asked earlier.
"Are you breaking up with Sebastian since you know… he cheated on you?" Jace cocked an eyebrow at me.
"No shit I'm breaking up with him." I snapped.
"There's no need to be feisty Red. It was a simple question" Jace said calmly.
"Well did you really think I was going to stay with someone who cheated on me?"
What kind of person does he think I am? Yes, I just want to be fucking cheated on because that's the only thing I could ever want in my life.
I love being cheated on.
Jace turned his gaze back onto the road, but he continued holding onto my hand.
"Some people still think there's good in those who cheat on them. A lot of people think they love their significant other and refuse to think that they would do such a thing." Jace answered nonchalantly.
What caught me most in what he said to me was: 'A lot of people think they love their significant other…'
"Do you not believe in love?"
Jace glanced at me quickly with a blank expression.
"Do you believe in love?" He shot back.
As Jace stared at the road I thought about his question.
Growing up you hear about all those fairytales full of love and all those movies, and books, and just everywhere really you'll hear about love.
I guess I never questioned whether it existed or not; I just always assumed love was real.
There has never been a doubt in my mind as to whether it was or not.
"Yes, I do believe that eventually you will fall in love with someone." I answered him, "You don't believe in love?" I ask incredulously.
Jace glances at me again, "It's hard to believe in love when you've seen everything I've seen." He answers darkly.
I furrow my eyebrows at him.
"Does the way Jon act towards you feel like love Clary?" Jace asks suddenly.
I open my mouth to answer, but he cuts me off, "Does Sebastian cheating on you feel like love?" He asks.
Once again I go to reply, but Jace was not yet done, "What about your 'friends' leaving you like that? Magnus and Maia, Izzy and Simon. Do you think that they love you?" He snaps out.
Jace's change in demeanor startles me.
"It was a simple question Jace…" I trail off and look out the window with tears in my eyes.
The only reason why they don't love me is because I'm not good enough.
I'm too fat for them.
My hair used to be too red for everyone.
I'm just not good enough for anyone to actually love me.
I look down at myself and am repulsed with the amount of fat I see on my body.
I hadn't really eaten all day, but somehow I was still fat.
Maybe weight loss takes a little bit of time.
Who am I kidding though? I'm not going to be able to resist eating because I'm starving.
Suddenly that night pops into my head.
Crouching down in front of the toilet and throwing up what I had eaten. I could get people to love me. I could be good enough for everyone and not have to starve.
All I'd have to do is throw up what I did eat and soon enough people would begin to like me again. My friends would take me back at lunch and maybe then Jon wouldn't be calling me a fatass.
I didn't realize we were at my house until Jace opened my door for me.
"I could still do it myself." I snapped.
I rubbed at my eyes to make sure my tears wouldn't fall and shoved past him.
"A simple thank you would suffice!" Jace hollered at me.
I turned around and looked at him, "Do you see any fucks being given?" I snap.
Jace shrugs his shoulders and catches up to me. That's when I notice he's got his car turned off.
Great, now he plans on staying with me.
I roll my eyes and unlock the front door with my key, and leave it open for Jace to enter.
When he's entered I hear him close the door, and I call over my shoulder, "You know where the food is and you know where Jon's room is."
"You're not even going to stay down here and talk to me?" Jace calls as I reach the stairs.
I turn around to give him a hard glare, "No Jace. I want to be alone so respect that."
Without giving him time to reply I turn on my heel and leave up to the bathroom.
I pull the scale out and step on it to weigh myself.
The numbers are too high for my taste.
130.
Maybe if I lost thirty pounds people would like me more.
Quietly I put the scale back in its place and grab my toothbrush off of the counter.
I walk over and crouch down in front of the toilet pulling my hair away from my face.
For a moment I hesitate.
Is forcing my toothbrush down my throat to puke really a good idea?
Maybe if you were only a hundred pounds you wouldn't have to… My mind taunts me.
Shrugging off any other doubt I stick my toothbrush down my throat and lean over the toilet.
The sickly sweet taste of my puke fills my mouth as a few contents come out.
There's not a lot and I try again.
Mostly liquid came out and I guess that would make sense because I haven't eaten today.
Now that I have this trick though I can it and not feel guilty for it because I have a simple way to get rid of those extra calories that I'll obtain.
After going through the process a few more times I stand up on shaky legs and rinse the puke off my toothbrush.
Once my toothbrush is clean I rinse my mouth out.
That doesn't help to get rid of the sickly sweet taste though because it's still in my mouth, just not as bad.
I make my way out of the bathroom and head downstairs to get myself a glass of water.
When I get downstairs I notice that Jace is sitting on the couch watching the movie Anastasia.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Rolling my eyes I walk into the kitchen.
I grab a glass out of the cabinet and get some water which I slowly sip on.
My arms are still shaking and my heartbeat is erratic.
As I'm setting my glass in the sink I'm startled when Jace touches my back.
"Are you okay? You look really pale." Jace says as he places both of his hands on my face.
I scowl at him, "I'm fine. Leave me alone."
Jace just stares at my face a moment longer before letting me go.
"If you say so Clary." Then he turns around and walks away.
As soon as he's gone I turn and run back up to my room into the safety of my bedroom.
Why can't anyone see that I'm hurting?
Why can't people see that their words do affect me?
He wasn't asking because he noticed me be upset I just looked weird and that's why Jace asked.
Well fuck him. And fuck everyone else too.
Surely there's some way to make people see that I'm hurting right?
I walk over to my desk and grab a pair of scissors off of my desk.
Maybe if I bleed they'll notice that I'm hurt?
I hesitantly put the blade to my skin and slice.
The pain isn't a good kind of pain.
I hiss at the burning sensation it leaves. It stings like a bitch and I don't like it at all.
Maybe it's only the first one that hurts?
I slice away three more times, but they all hurt as much as the first one did.
Why the hell would people do something that hurt this much?
Obviously this wasn't the way to get people to see how hurt I was.
I place the scissors down and go grab a washcloth from the bathroom to hold on my bleeding wrist.
Would anybody care?
I didn't really get a lot of feeback on my last chapter. Should I stop writing the story?
I hope you guys like this one.