They thanked their lucky stars that the only healer in the building was male.
In the side room behind Mr. Ping's noodle cart, the healer hummed a cheerful tune as he wrapped up Monkey's manhood, also wrapping up his hip so the bandage would stay in place.
"I've left a hole in the bottom so you can still visit the men's room." The healer spoke. "But I'm afraid you will have to avoid dating for a while."
Monkey glared at the healer, then turned his head to Crane and Mantis, as if daring them to laugh. Both friends wisely said nothing to him. When they did speak, it was to Master Shifu, who after getting over to shock of seeing the teeth marks on the absolute worst of places, demanded a full report of the mission's events.
"... and then Tsin started acting crazy, took the pendant then ran off!" Crane said. "By the time we were able to fight off the demons and get out, we'd lost his trail."
"We're sorry, Master Shifu." Mantis said sorrowfully. "We screwed up big time."
"Don't be sorry." Shifu said sternly. "There is still time to find Tsin and make him tell us where he hid the cargo."
"But we have absolutely no leads!" Monkey complained as the healer tied off the bandaged and permitted him to put his pants back on.
"Yes, we do!" Shifu retorted. "Clearly there was something significant and dangerous about that amulet, and the superintendent may know something about it. If we hurry, we can catch him and ask him what he knows."
"But you know he'll just insult us." Crane said.
"Right now, we don't have a choice." Shifu said.
They all returned to the main hall. After thanking the healer and letting him go on his way, they began their search for Wu, Monkey wincing each time he moved his legs. Mr. Ping remained behind, busy cleaning out Su's pot. They did not find the superintendent, but they did find Constable Hu at the stage, watching one of the shoddy reenactments currently being performed. Right now a fake Shifu was having a cat-fight with a fake Junjie.
"Ah, Master Shifu. How is the treasure hunt coming along?" The elephant asked.
"We located General Tsin, and he is indeed the thief." Shifu said. "Unfortunately he was rendered delusional by some strange substance before he could reveal the cargo's location and escaped."
"Oh dear." Hu suddenly looked uncomfortable. Shifu's eyes narrowed.
"That same substance came out of an amulet Tsin took from the rest of the cargo. Constable, is there something you didn't tell us about that gold?"
Constable Hu took off his hat and rubbed his head with his trunk.
"I'm sorry, Master Shifu, but the superintendent has forbidden from mentioned that object. He would sack me if I ever..."
"He forbid you from talking about the amulet, that doesn't stop you from telling us anything else about the cargo." Shifu said. "For instance, where did it come from?"
Constable Hu took a deep breath to steel his nerves.
"Alright, I can tell you this. A couple of weeks ago we took down a gang known as the Poison Lotus. They specialized in spreading fear and madness amongst their enemies, and by the time we got them they had amassed a small fortune. Superintendent Wu decided the gold was better off in the HQ's hands and decided to have it sent there. The HQ was where those soldiers were taking the cargo when it was stolen."
"I see. Thank you, Constable."
Shifu turned round to face his students, and instead found a set of small fingers pinching his nose.
"Gah! What the- Su?!"
Su let go with a gasp.
"Sorry!" She cried. "But there were so many people wearing Shifu masks that I couldn't find the real you!"
"Su, you-"
Shifu stopped speaking when he saw what Su was wearing. Over her blue vest she wore a shimmering green robe identical to his own.
"Su. What is that?"
"It was all we could find that would fit her." Viper said, inexplicably beaming slithered up at that moment. "Doesn't she look adorable?"
"Hey, I didn't know they were selling costumes, now!" Mantis said. "Do they come in bug sizes?"
Su, up until that moment seemed to be gathering the courage to speak after her little mishap with Shifu, looked up, blushing.
"Um, did you know the stall guy said that you and Master Oogway wore green because it made you look wiser." Su said.
"Did he now?" Constable Hu asked. He looked down at his own attire: he was wearing a pear green coat to protect him from the deluge outside.
"Do you think it's true? Look." And with that, Su stood up straight as a board, slid her paws into her sleeves and closed her eyes. She looked so serene it was all Monkey and Mantis could do not to laugh.
"You look very wise, Su." Shifu said. Viper seemed to be resisting the urge to hug the girl.
"Seriously do they come in bug's sizes?" Mantis asked.
Shifu gave him a look, and Mantis seemed to shrink.
"You ask the stall owner yourself once we've recovered the gold." The red panda said.
"But we'll never find Tsin before Wu's deadline!" Crane said.
"Unless we find someone who knows where he would be."
Constable suddenly started straightening his attire and adjusting his hat.
"The guest of honor is here." He spoke.
A hush had fallen over the crowd as a stout brown dog wearing a black robe stepped onto the stage, holding a bamboo staff twice as long as his body. Master Iron Branch looked out at the crowd, and silently bowed. The fans went nuts.
"He became deaf last year from an illness, and he's still learning to read lips." Shifu had to shout to he heard. "He's also an old ally of General Tsin's. He'll know where Tsin would have gone. Wait until he steps off the stage, and then we'll speak to him."
Minutes passed as Master Iron Branch spoke calmly to the crowd, telling tales of his exploits, such as his three day battle against the four armed demon and his cross country journey to escort a kidnapped king. During a tale about his ordeal in an abandoned iron mine, Viper whispered to Crane.
"Crane."
"Yeah, Viper?"
"Do you think Po and Tigress like each other?"
Crane blinked.
"What?!"
"Keep your voice down!" Viper hissed. "The village children have been spreading this rumor that Po and Tigress are secretly an item."
"No way!" Monkey had overheard. At that moment everyone started clapping as Master Iron Branch stepped down from the stage, and Master Shifu walked over to speak with him.
"Personally I think it might true." Viper smiled a little. "I mean, if you've seen the way they've been acting around each other lately... Crane what do you think?"
"Um, I don't know. I think it might be true but..."
"Monkey, are you alright?" Viper asked, frowning. "You look deep in thought."
"Uh, no, I'm just-"
"How dare you!"
Monkey looked up, startled. Master Iron Branch was glowering right at him.
"Huh?"
"How dare you behave so shamefully!" Iron Branch snapped.
"Master Iron Branch, what are you talking about?!" Mantis asked. The fans around them stopped whatever they were doing at that moment and started staring.
"You know what I'm talking about!" Iron Branch spoke, eyes blazing.
"He must be talking about Tsin." Crane muttered. "I guess he didn't like how we're treating him like a criminal."
"He is a criminal." Monkey muttered back. "But why is he only being angry at me?"
"Apologize at once, you vile creature!" Iron Branch demanded.
"I will not apologize!" Monkey replied defiantly. "He sto-"
"Then we will settle this the old fashioned way!" Iron Branch raised his staff like a sword.
"Alright, you want to fight me? Fine!" Monkey declared. A fan dressed up in fake horns quickly tossed him the staff he had been using as part of his costume.
"Oh, this is just what we need, a Fest Fight without action figures!" Shifu shouted. "We do not have time for this, the pair of you!"
"I shall not stand for his behavior!" Iron Branch replied.
"Monkey, you can't possibly fight him in your condition!" Shifu said.
"Po hit himself in his consequences with a tri bo yao while fighting Junjie, that didn't stop him, did it?"
"Have at you!" Iron Branch swung his staff like a sword, nearly knocking Monkey's staff from his hand. Monkey backed into the stall behind him as Iron Branch swung again, barely missing his face.
"Holy crap, he's trying to kill me!"
When Iron Branch swung again, Monkey blocked it with his own staff, then twisted his staff and forced Iron Branch's staff away. Monkey rolled backwards over the surface of the stall counter, just avoiding a powerful swing from Iron Branch that obliterated every Monkey action figure on the stall.
The staff owner went ballistic, throwing his hat to the ground and cursing.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I'll pay for everything" Iron Branch exclaimed.
"Oh well done, very well done!" Monkey scolded on the other side of the stall. "Very clever!"
Iron Branch thrust the end of his staff forward, striking Monkey in the chest. Monkey staggered backwards as Iron Branch vaulted over the stall and its ruined merchandise. The fans watched in awed silence as both opponents traded blow after blow, filling the air with the sound of wood furiously colliding with wood.
"Shouldn't I do something?" Constable Hu asked. No-one answered him.
The staffs collided in midair with a tremendous crack. Monkey and Iron Branch pushed against each other, until Monkey was shoved backwards in the direction of the stage. Iron Branch went after him, and they started trading blows again, their footwork steadily bringing them back to the stage. Monkey swung his staff and Iron Branch ducked, and Monkey took the moment to leap onto the stage.
"Haha!" Monkey declared, looking tauntingly down at his foe.
Iron Branch swung his staff in an overhead arc. Monkey held out his staff and blocked the end of it.
"What are you going to do now?" He asked.
Iron Branch spun his staff, sending the bottom end straight into Monkey's bandaged manhood.
Monkey went stiff. He barely made a sound, yet his face turned green. Iron Branch swept Monkey's legs out from under him, sending him crashing to the stage. Iron Branch leapt on stage, stood over his defeated opponent, and pressed the end of his staff to his throat.
"Master Iron Branch, enough of this!" Shifu spoke.
"Are you ready to apologize now, fiend?" Iron Branch spoke to the agonized Monkey.
"Uhhhhh..." Monkey moaned, gripping his groin in pain.
"Apologize for touching that woman's thigh!"
The hall went even quieter than usual.
"Touching whose thigh?!" Monkey yelled.
"That lady down there!" With his other paw Iron Branch gestured to Viper.
"What?!" Viper gasped.
"Didn't you just say that this primate just touched your thigh?" Iron Branch said.
"I said he looked deep in thought!" Viper yelled, aghast.
"Oh gods..." Shifu covered his face. "He must have misread Viper's lips." With that the red panda walked on stage. He spoke slowly to Iron Branch, making sure that he could easily read his lips. Iron Branch went bright red and stepped away from Monkey, allowing him to get up shakily.
"Oh dear..." Iron Branch spoke. "I do apologize, I thought you said..."
"Forget about it." Monkey's voice was pained.
"Master Iron Branch." Shifu said. "Before that little misunderstanding, I told you about the situation with General Tsin. Right now he is under the influence of some unknown substance, and may be a danger to himself and others. We need to know where we can find him."
Iron Branch found the back of his head and rubbed it, still embarrassed from his little error.
"There is this one place I know." He said. "When Tsin started going senile, he became paranoid that someone may be posing as a spy within his estate. So he had this hideout built in the eastern mountain, just in case. That place would be my best bet."
"Tigress?"
"I told you I don't want to talk to you." Tigress replied.
"I got another door." Po said after hanging his head in shame. Ever since he had realized that he had feelings for Tigress, he had started feeling even suckier than usual when she got mad at him.
Tigress didn't reply. Po got the point and wordlessly set the door down on the table next to the one Tigress had already removed from its hinges.
Standing on a chair to keep out of the slowly rising floodwater, Tigress shifted both doors so they were side by side. She then placed several wooden planks she had salvaged on the doors to keep them together, and began hammering nails into the planks to keep them in place. The hem of her nightgown was dark from the water it had absorbed.
"Um, I'll try and get a fire going, shall I?" Po asked. It had been quite cold since they'd discovered the flood.
While salvaging doors, Po had found a brazier in what he had assumed to be a spare room. Placing it on the counter, he said:
"I'm just gonna find some firewood." He said. Tigress didn't answer. "Okay, uncomfortable silence it is."
He didn't really blame her for being mad at him. It was he who tried to jump the ditch. It was his fault they were in this mess. It was also his fault that they were still here when they should have been out there looking for gold. He should never have talked her into staying the night. They should have left when they had the chance.
Po was unable to find some traditional firewood, but made do with chopping up an old stool and filling the brazier with the pieces. One match later and they were both feeling a lot warmer.
"There, that's better." Po rubbed his paws together. "No Jiang Shi in their right undead mind would bother us now. They don't like the warmth, you see." He looked at Tigress. She still wasn't speaking, her attention completely on the half-finished raft. "Um, Tigress? How much longer are you going to be angry?"
"I'm not angry." Tigress said. Then she stopped hammering and simply stood there, leaning over the raft. "I'm very scared."
"Huh?" Po asked.
"Po... the Jade Palace is the closest thing I've ever had to a home." She said. She spoke evenly, but she breathing heavily. "If any thing happens to it... it'll be all our fault."
"Tigress." Po said firmly. "Superintendent Wu is not going to shut down the Jade Palace. We'll make sure of that."
"Po, you know what a stubborn idiot he is!" Tigress replied, her voice actually breaking as she spoke. "If we fail this mission, it's over!"
"We'll write to the emperor!" Po suggested. "He can stop Wu! There's no way the emperor would let that moron shut down the most awesome kung fu academy in all of China!"
"Po, that is an optimistic outlook." Tigress said simply, and resumed hammering.
"Oh." Po said. Tigress stopped hammering again and covered her face. "Uh, are you okay?"
"Oh gods... I don't know why I'm being so cynical." She said wearily. "I know you're just trying to cheer me up, but I keep throwing it back in your face. I'm such an idiot..."
"No you're not!" Po said quickly. "You're being realistic! I know we don't have much chance of stopping Wu if we fail the mission. I shouldn't be trying to get your hopes up in the first place."
"There's nothing wrong with that, it's just..." Tigress sighed. "It's been hell these last couple of days. Nothing's gone right. I don't even know if this raft will even get us out of here. And now I'm getting a darn headache."
"Tigress." Po said as he realized something. "I think you've been working on that raft all day and you wouldn't allow me to help. Why don't you take a break so we can properly debate who is most at fault. It's me." He mumbled the last bit.
"The hell it is." Tigress mumbled back. "Fine. Just least me finish nailing these planks to the raft."
Her back to Po, she bent over to hammer the last two nails into the door farthest across the table. The fire that consumed Po's body wasn't coming from the brazier.
"Oh gods..." Po said, frozen stiff and red in the face. "Tigress, I think you should just stand up and move around to the other side. Please. You could hurt your back."
"Good idea." Tigress said. Even with the flowing nightgown it was easy for her to vault over the table and plant herself on the chair on the opposite side. She looked up just in time to see Po quickly wading from the room.
Dear Potential Rescuer.
I am currently stranded along with Master Tigress in the local cemetery. My ankle is injured and I am feeling uncomfortably hot. If you receive this message, please rescue us before I do something I'll regret.
Please hurry. I don't think I can hold on much longer.
The Dragon Warrior.
Po rolled up the piece of paper and dropped it into the bottle. He sealed the bottle with a cork and rushed to the window. Not wanting to make any splash that would alert Tigress, Po carefully lowered the bottle into the floodwater outside and let go. Immediately the current took hold, carrying the bottle away.
Praying that the current would be faster further on, Po returned to the kitchen. As a perplexed Tigress looked on, Po leaned against the doorframe, folding his arms nonchalantly.
"So..." He said. "How about that break?"