AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hello, you beautiful people! Sorry that this chapter is late, but I had so much writers block for this, and, if I'm honest, I'm still not entirely sure where this story is going or how/when I'm going to end it. There is a possibility that the next chapter will be the last one, but I'm not too sure. In addition to my lack of direction, I've also had some severe family problems that took over for a while, luckily, writing is very cathartic for me, so I was able to still work on this.
Anyway, thank you all so much for being so patient and supportive - it means so much to me! (And to the two wonderful human beings on Instagram who helped me with the plot of this chapter, thank you so much!)
Alas, I hope you enjoy this and I also really hope that I've done this chapter justice.
Better Than A Dream
Chapter Eleven
Georg could barely focus on anything as the doctor spoke to him, instead, the whole thing had just been a nightmarish blur; there was a sick ringing in his ears and his stomach churned with utter dread. When Doctor Kraus had stepped out of Maria's room – a sympathetic grimace etched onto his features – Georg had known that he'd have to prepare himself for some sort of tragedy, and the mere thought of it, and Maria suffering in any way, caused his heart to thunder and his head to spin.
"Is – is she okay?" he'd asked groggily – not bothering to steel himself, he didn't think he had the energy.
"She's comfortable at the moment, but I'm afraid she's had a miscarriage, Georg…" he said colourlessly.
For a few seconds, Georg didn't say anything, couldn't say anything, he just stood there gawping at Doctor Kraus, a look of utter defeat and despondence washing over him.
"Oh god…" he shuddered.
Everything came crashing down at that moment, his last shreds of hope all crumbled into ashes that were swiftly blown away by the winds of despair. They had lost their child. The child that, even though he had only known about for days, he had already loved with all his heart; and his poor Maria, was in the next room, alone, and suffering from the same sick torture. The thought of her having to experience such a tragedy made his blood run cold.
"I really am sorry, Georg"
For a while, he was silent again, and doctor Kraus did not push him to talk, he had known Georg for a great many years, and never – not since the passing of Agathe – had he ever seen him this distraught. He was trembling visibly and, even from a mile away, any man could spot the way he was viciously fighting to hold back his tears.
"Johann was…was there anything that could've been done to…to…"
"No, I'm afraid not –" he answered, knowing full well what Georg had wanted to ask, "—unfortunately, some pregnancies just don't take well, and whilst I know you must be devastated, it's important to remember that this was nature's way of telling you that something wasn't right…"
Georg nodded stiffly, he knew that Johann was right, but he just couldn't see the light he'd been told to search for.
"…it would have been dangerous for the pregnancy to continue," he continued, "it would've been a danger for both Maria and the baby."
"My poor Maria…" Georg breathed, more to himself than the doctor.
"The one thing that you both need to remember is that this isn't anyone's fault. Unfortunately, it just happened, but it was Maria's body's way of keeping her safe. Make sure that neither of you ever blame yourselves"
"Is she in any pain?"
"Physically she seems fine, though there may be some discomfort in the near future, so I would recommend that she takes it easy for a few days; the last thing she needs is any extra mental or physical exertion"
Another nod from Georg.
"What she's most in need of is your support and reassurance, she was terribly distressed whilst I was in there, and I think perhaps she's feeling guilty…" Johann told him solemnly.
Georg whipped around to look straight at him – tears covering his eyes in a sparkling glaze.
"Oh, she mustn't" he pleaded.
"I know. But this has really taken its toll on her…" he sighed, "…I won't lie to you, Georg, this has broken her – severely – and she needs you more than ever"
"I'll be there for her…" he said solidly, "…no matter what"
"I know you will"
A pause.
"I know this is probably the last thing on your mind, but I should inform you that this will not effect your chances of having children in the future. Should you ever wish to try for a baby, you will be able to do so normally" Johann said almost reluctantly.
It was true, it was the last thing that Georg wanted to hear, he and Maria had just lost their baby, and not only had he been completely destroyed by it, but he knew that Maria was in the next room suffering through an even worse sort of torture. He couldn't bear it. But, he knew that somewhere deep within him – deeper than he could feel or acknowledge in this moment – there was a part of him that would be grateful for such news. In spite of everything, he knew that he wanted children with Maria.
"Is there anything else we should know?" Georg asked – still not strength in his voice.
Johann shook his head gently.
"I don't think so, not unless you have any questions?"
"No"
"Okay, I'd like to schedule a further appointment with Maria to make sure that she's recovering well, so I'll be in contact within a few days"
"Okay, thank you, Johann"
The doctor moved towards the stairs, but before he descended, he turned back to his friend – a look of great sympathy upon him – and said,
"I'm truly sorry, Georg"
The captain nodded in acknowledgement – afraid that his voice would break if he spoke – and let Johann leave the villa. With another shuddering 'Oh god…', Georg rested his head and arms on the balustrade and tried to hide himself from the agonising grief that continued to crash down upon him – burying him within each new, excruciating wave. He could feel it like it was coursing through his veins, and he could feel the way his sanity became desecrated. Oh, it was agony! A forceful surge of something vile pulsed to the top of his throat, and before he could even think about it, a guttural sob had left his throat, accompanied by tears that burned beneath his cheeks before settling in the corners of his eyes; he tried to hold them back, but he just couldn't.
He allowed a few of the droplets to sting his cheeks, but still fought to choke back the sobs that were suffocating him and wracking his body without mercy. The agony filled his lungs like thick, black tar and he could hardly breath from the weight of the pain. It took every ounce of strength he had not to breakdown completely, even though he wanted to so desperately, but he knew he had to be strong for Maria, and he was determined to fulfil that duty. He'd do anything for her.
He squeezed his eyes tightly and bit down on his lip in the hopes that it would distract him for just a moment, just so he could regain his composure; but the light was once again snatched away from him as another potent sob burst from the depths of his chest, pounded up his throat like asphyxiation and released into the air like a puff of deadly smoke. He just didn't know what to do, he felt like little more than a shell of himself. He thought he had become whole again – Maria had healed him – but now he was broken all over again, and he feared more than anything else that the pain would be just too much this time around; he had only just recovered from Agathe, he didn't think he could handle losing a child. This could be his end.
"Georg?" he heard the tentative query come from beside he him, but he didn't lift his head, he knew exactly who it was.
"Max" was all he could shudder in response.
"Is Maria okay?" Max asked after some reluctance.
Georg didn't reply immediately, and Max didn't push him either, and just by looking at him, he knew that whatever had happened, it was bad, and it had broken Georg down to bitter ruins. He knew that he needed to give him space and move at his friend's pace rather than his own. He waited patiently – hoping to let Georg know that he wasn't going to pressure him – and listened to the ragged, hazy sound of his breathing as he attempted to calm himself. He watched as Georg methodically lifted his head – his chest still heaving slightly – but for a few seconds, he simply stared vacantly across the villa, his clouded vision taking in the aristocratic colours of his home; then, with a painful turn, Georg's eyes met the gaze of his friend. Max almost gasped audibly at what he saw, the man he looked at was not Georg, or, if it was, it was merely a phantom of the man he'd known.
No, this Georg looked pale and sickly – the skin tone of a spectre – his eyes were red raw and puffy, with the occasional tear still brave enough to break free and soak his cheek; his body trembled from the suffering and with half-stifled sobs it became excruciatingly clear just how much he was hurting. He watched as he straightened himself out, into that ram-rod straight stance that he knew so well; Georg rubbed his eyes – easing out the redness – took a deep, steadying breath and let his nails bite into the palms of his hands to calm the shuddering. It worked somewhat, and in spite of the chaotic trauma swirling within his eyes, Georg began to look more like himself…even if it was an obvious façade.
"She's…" he began – his voice hoarse with swallowed tears. He coughed once, "…She's had a miscarriage" it was a fight to admit it out loud, and simply uttering the word took away another part of him.
"Oh, Georg, I'm so sorry…" Max sympathised – the tone of his voice laced with complete shock. He was horrified that such a tragedy had struck them.
"Thank you" Georg replied weakly.
"Oh my god…I don't even know what to say…is she alright?"
Georg gave a nod.
"Doctor Kraus said so…physically at least"
"I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through"
"Don't imagine it…" Georg warned colourlessly, "…it's torture"
"Oh, Georg…" he sighed again, still riddled with disbelief, "…is there anything I can do?"
"I don't think so…but I'm sure we'll need your support soon enough"
"You'll have it in abundance, I can assure you"
"I don't even know how we're going to deal with this…especially with the children"
"They don't know, do they?"
"We agreed not to tell anyone else until…" he swallowed hard and forbade another sob from escaping him, "…until the pregnancy was further along, but Maria – both of us – are going to need time and space in order to recover, they're all going to notice something is wrong and I'm not sure if we'll be able to hide it"
"I'll do my best to help you, Georg"
"I know you will…and I can't thank you enough"
"Have you thought about talking to the older three?"
"I haven't had a chance to give it any thought, but now that you mention it, it may be worth pondering…"
"I know that something like this should really be kept private, but I just thought that, since they're old enough to understand, it may be useful to have a few more allies, it'd help keep the younger ones at bay and they'd know to give you and Maria space"
"But it would also mean that they'd find out about the true nature of our relationship…I'm not sure if I want them knowing that"
"You know just as well as I do, Georg, that every path has downfalls…anyway, it's really not my call to make, but I'd say consider it, any help will be valuable. But you should discuss it with Maria when you both feel ready"
Georg nodded again – feeling another thick sob begin to rise, and Max didn't miss that he failed to stop another maverick tear from falling.
"You're right…" he replied – his voice once again become laced with the sure-fire signs that he was about to cry, "…will you excuse me Max, I just really need to be with Maria right now"
"Of course," Max granted as he took a step back, "And if there's anything that either of you need, please don't hesitate to ask"
"Thank you again"
Then Max was gone too. Georg could feel that he was dangerously close to a breakdown, but he just needed Maria desperately, needed her like she was his oxygen; he needed to hold her, comfort her and cry with her. She was his strength and very soul. He knew he wouldn't be able to survive this without her by his side. He (barely) collected himself with yet another steady breath before moving over to Maria's door, but when he turned the knob, he was greeted with the defeating sound of a stubborn click. The door was locked. He tried again several more times, but with each turn of the knob, the door hacked a cough in protest.
"Maria?" he questioned through the wood – loud enough to convey his fears, but he was cautious of waking one of the children, "Maria, are you okay? Why is the door locked?"
No answer.
"Maria? Maria please answer me!"
Silence.
He was crying now. Desperately.
"Maria! Maria please unlock the door, I – I need to see you…"
Nothing.
"Please…" he begged – resting his forehead against the door, "…please, Maria…are you okay?"
No response.
"Please answer me…I know you're in pain – I am too – but please let me in…let me hold you. Please let me in"
"I can't" was the teary response he eventually got.
"Oh, Maria…" he shuddered, "…please unlock the door"
"I can't" she reaffirmed, and even though he couldn't see her, he could tell just how strong her sobs were.
"Why not" he cried himself.
"I just can't"
"Please, Maria, I need you right now…"
"I can't face you"
"Wh-what?"
"I just can't…I can't look at you after what's happened – after what I've done – how could you…oh…" her tears cut off her words – like a singular sharp slash across weakened skin.
"Oh, Maria, you've done nothing wrong, my love, absolutely nothing, surely the doctor told you that this wasn't your fault?"
"But I lost our baby!" she all but wailed, "Me, Georg! Not you or anybody else, it was me!"
"It couldn't have been helped!"
"I was its mother! It – it was my job to protect it and carry it for us, and now…now…now it's gone!"
Oh, if hearts could break, his would be the very dust of destruction.
"Okay, Maria…" he breathed – steadying himself, "…I am going to sit right outside this door and talk to you until you understand that you're are not to blame for what has happened"
"Georg –" she started to protest – her tone still thick with tears.
"No," he sniffed, "I'm not taking no for an answer. I will not have you blaming yourself for this. Not now. Not ever. Understand?"
Only a solitary sniff was her response. So, true to his word, he sat down outside her door – leaning against the frame – and cleared his throat before speaking yet again…
"Listen to me, Maria. What has happened is so tragic, I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite so torturous. Believe me, my dear, I am devastated by what has happened…"
"Then how can you not hate me?!" she wailed.
"Oh, I could never hate you, Maria, you need to understand that sometimes these things just happen, and unfortunately, there is no person or event that can be singled out as the cause. It just happened because it had to"
"But –"
"—Johann told me that this was your body's way of telling you that something wasn't right, that if things had continued you would've been in danger…it's a horrendous thought, but it was inevitable. I know that's not the most comforting thing to hear, but surely it gives you some peace of mind? It was your body's way of protecting itself, of keeping you safe so that you could stay here and continue to be a mother to the children that will soon be yours…and to prepare yourself for become the wife of a grumpy old sea captain that fell hopelessly in love with you"
Silence fell between them again.
"Maria I hope you don't ever doubt the love I have for you, but just in case, let me make myself clear, I love you with everything I have and I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I am nowhere near creative enough to even begin to describe how I feel about you, but I know that our love is intense, passionate and so very special. I have loved you for so long, Maria, and what happened tonight has not changed that. Yes, I loved this baby and was so thrilled by the prospect of us having a child together…and whilst I am distraught by what has happened, I know that we'll be able to get through it if we stay by each other's sides. I love you, Maria…please don't shut me out"
The silence continued and out of concern, Georg rose to his feet. He tried the door again…it was still locked.
"Maria?"
Had she fallen asleep? Or had he just exacerbated things?
"Maria will you please answer?"
And then, to his delight, he heard the distinct snick of the lock and the door swung open. There before him stood Maria, his Maria, as beautiful as ever, but it was painfully evident that she was suffering too. She was shaking feverishly, and she seemed unable to stop the merciless tears from spotting onto her cheeks. She sniffed heavily and did her best to speak, but all she could do instead was swallow the endless lumps in her throat and beg whoever might be listening that the pain may soon go away. It was weighing down on her like something truly evil, like the weight of a million tragedies all combined into one single, all-consuming void of despair, and she knew that without Georg's hand to hold, she'd get dragged into that very void. She looked into his eyes – a silent plea that he could read like the clearest written word – and without a second thought, he stepped forwards and took her into his arms.
"Oh, Maria…" he breathed once she was secured in his embrace and he began to cry too.
He kicked the door closed with his foot and they moved into her bedroom and sat down on the bed (still in each other's arms) as they allowed themselves to cry into each other.
"I'm – I'm so sorry for shutting you out, Georg…but I was just s-so scared that you – that you would hate me…"
"I meant what I said, I could never hate you, not for this"
"I just thought that I – I'd hurt you too much, that – that you would reject me and call off our wedding…b-because, without a baby, we wouldn't need to get married"
"Oh, Maria…" he savoured every syllable of her beautiful name, "…please tell me you don't actually believe such things?"
"I know you love me…"
"Yes, I do, and there's something else that I need to make sure you understand, I did not propose to your because you told me that you were pregnant, I proposed to you because I love you and because I want you to be my wife. I came so close to losing you when – when you left, and I was determined to never let it happen again. For god's sake, Maria, if Elsa hadn't been here, I would've proposed to you at the very beginning!"
"I suppose I never truly believed that you proposed because of the baby…" she admitted weakly.
"Good. Because I didn't. I'll admit that it gave me a push, but only because it finally allowed me to see just how foolish I'd been by trying to hide what we had…how I should have been with you properly from the very start. Besides, I think I would've proposed to you that night anyway"
He couldn't quite believe it, but Maria managed to release a small giggle, and for the very first time that night, he felt a little pang of hope. He tightened his hold of her and began to draw soothing circles across her back. He feathered a kiss into her hair.
"Oh, Maria, I'm so sorry"
"Why are you apologising?"
"Because you shouldn't have to go through this…you've suffered enough"
"And you haven't?"
"No one deserves this, though"
"Neither of us deserve it, Georg. You can call it fate, punishment or bad luck…it's still…it's still…"
He heard her whimper and begin to cry again, but he just squeezed her gently.
"Shhh" he soothed, "it's tragic…" he finished for her, "…it's something that no one should ever have to experience, but it's something we're going to survive"
"You think so?"
"Look how far we've come already. I have no doubt in my mind that we can overcome this pain. I'm going to be right by your side, no matter what, but…but I need you to be there for me too…I – I can't face something like this alone, not again…" he admitted – his voice haunted.
"I will be, Georg, I promise you…together" she confirmed.
"Together" he echoed.
"Georg?"
"Yes?"
"With the wedding, would you – umm – mind if we waited for a while? It's just that, I don't think I could face it so soon after…"
"Hey, listen, of course we can, I was going to suggest it anyway. We'll wait until we're both comfortable and then we'll do things properly. But I don't want you to worry about that now"
"I don't know how I'm going to deal with this…" she admitted on a whimper.
"Neither do I, but I've learnt that there is no correct way to deal with bereavement, you just have to go with it and do what feels right. If there's ever a day when you feel content, don't feel guilty, instead you need to embrace that positivity and follow it wherever it takes you because…"
"Because?"
"Because there can be days when it hurts so much that you can barely breathe…"
"Like today?"
They both knew that that was exactly how they fell – this whole thing was causing them to drown.
"Yes…like today…but we will heal, Maria, I promise you that much… and – and one day, when we're married, and we've learnt to accept and cope with this, we'll welcome more children – children from our love – and it'll make all this feel like nothing more than a bad dream"
"I believe you" she told him as she nuzzled into his chest.
Georg moved a hand up to stroke her hair and allowed himself to release a shuddering breath of self-reassurance whilst he comforted her, he knew this pain would stay with him for the rest of his life; but the worst part was perhaps the fact that he didn't know how long it would truly stay for. When Agathe passed, the agony had been at the forefront of his mind for so long – long enough for him to stop counting – so he prayed for some miracle, that he could strengthen himself faster than perhaps necessary.
Still, he did his best to fill his mind with anything that could provide him with relief, and whilst he knew they still had to fight through this tragedy, he knew that there was a slither of hope. He took comfort from the fact that they had been released from the clutches of scandal, their reputations were out of any real danger and the long-standing loyalty of Doctor Kraus ensured his discretion. Yes, their freedom had come about through circumstances that he wouldn't wish upon his own worst enemy (and he would've taken the scandal over the miscarriage any day), but, he knew that he had to look for every possible silver lining…otherwise he wouldn't make it out alive.
"You should rest" Georg murmured into her hair after a long while.
"Please don't leave me," Maria pleaded, "Please stay with me tonight"
He looked down at her – her eyes blown wide and sparkling with fear – he knew all too well that she wouldn't make it through the night unless she was in his arms…and he felt the same way about her.
"Of course" he assured her.
He quickly stripped down to his underwear and wasted no time in pulling Maria into his awaiting embrace once they were under the covers; it was a potent kind of comfort for the both of them, a reawakened sense of security and hope that they were determined to cling to until they felt they were strong enough to survive without it. Maria faced him as she lay within his arms but was somewhat grateful that she couldn't see his eyes through the darkness, she didn't think she'd be able to cope if she could see how much hurt lay within them…the hurt that she had put there. Even though Georg had assured her that this wasn't her fault, she couldn't expel the lingering sense of guilt that wrapped itself around her lungs like a serpent, and the pain began all over again, like someone had ripped away the bandages and the cut was once again exposed to the murk of the world. Just like when the doctor had told her the news, the pain was so intense that she just couldn't breathe; and, within the still and mellow setting of her bed, there was nothing to distract her…she had no choice but to once again let it consume her.
Before she could even think about fighting it, she felt a whimper creep up her throat and it burst from her in the form of a sob, oh, she had tried to stifle it, but she had failed to mask it completely and before she knew it, another one came…and another…and another. Soon, she was crying. Soon, tears were falling again. Soon, she was falling again. She tried to turn away, to hide it from Georg, but he tightened his grasp to stop her; she was about to ask why, but before she could, she heard an unmistakable sound come from her fiancée. He was crying too. Her heart swelled at the sound, and the thought of him, the man who was usually so buttoned up, shedding tears over their shared loss. It was never a sound that she ever wanted to hear, but it filled her with such overwhelming compassion, and their shared pain gave her the slightest boost in confidence.
Together. She reminded herself.
In turn, she wrapped her arms around Georg, moulded her body to his and they held each other close as they cried – hoping that sleep would take them soon, and that it would be a peaceful slumber.
There was something strange about the setting, the sky was not the luscious blue that he was used to, nor was it even painted in the shade of grey that alerted him to an incoming storm; no, this was something else. It was purple, and orange, a unique evening hue that told the tale of a distinct and drugged Austrian dusk. And he didn't like it. But, ignorance is bliss, and the last thing Georg could focus on was the shade of the sky, not when Maria was sat next to him, their tiny miracle swaddled in soft blankets and asleep in her arms. The baby was a boy this time, a gorgeous little being who had inherited his father's dark locks and dazzling sapphire eyes. His fists were curled up to his face, and Georg couldn't resit running the back of his index finger down his son's cheeks – which were so delicate and soft, those perfect stereotype of chubby baby cheeks.
His breath caught in his throat as he marvelled at the life that he had created with Maria and the gift that she had given him. He almost wept as his child yawned softly, his entire face shifting to accommodate the movement, and as he leant closer to Maria, he knew that he'd never known anything more perfect.
But then, everything shifted, and underneath that same purple, water-colour sky, only the two adults remained; they were standing now, atop the mountains and a ravenous wind whipped around them. But all Georg could focus on was how harrowingly empty Maria's arms were. He let his gaze whip from side-to-side, desperately searching for the tiny bundle that he had just doted over. But he could see nothing, only the deterioration of the horizon they knew so well.
"Maria!" he called out to her, she was so far away now, "Where is he?"
He watched as she called back to him, but the wind caused her words to die. He strained desperately to hear her words, but it was no use.
"Maria!" he bellowed with desperation.
But it was no use. She was getting further and further away, so far that he could barely see her. He knew that she was calling his name, also begging to know where their child had gone, but it was no use, they were being dragged apart, both of their arms empty and childless…
Dawn had barely broken when he awoke with a soft grunt. He immediately felt drained, like he needed to go straight back to sleep and rest; he draped an arm over his face and instantly felt tears spring to his eyes along with the uncomfortably familiar pang of agony in his heart. It had been mere hours and he already felt as if he'd been beaten down to his last legs. He never thought that he would ever have to rake over these coals again, to despondently scratch away at the white ashes of his torment and his past…he thought it was nothing more than history, where he could pick and choose what was remembered and to ensure that his only memories were happy. Now he had a whole new war to face, and even though he knew that the ache would fade over time, he was struggling to believe it…and the mere thought of the road ahead made him numb.
He turned over to look at Maria, and despite them unknowingly separating from their embrace during the night, she still faced him while she slept; and looking at the momentarily peaceful face of the woman he loved brought on an entire new sort of pain. Heavy was the only way he could describe it, for it was always there, it filled every crack and crevasse of his body, every organ and he always had to carry it with him – even when he didn't want to. But he supposed that was the thing about pain, it had to hurt, that was the whole point of its existence, if one could pick and choose when it was felt, it wouldn't be pain anymore.
But the one thing he was sure of, was that no matter how drained, devastated or beaten he felt, he would do anything to be able to take the pain away from Maria. She didn't deserve any of it. He had never known anyone more pure or joyful, someone who had such a thirst for life and adventure, someone who made sure to smile and get the most out of each and every day…Maria was extraordinary, one of the world's most precious beings, and she didn't deserve to be hurt. If a higher power did exist, he didn't know how it could possibly hurt his Maria.
Oh, she looked so peaceful, her features soft and void of all hurt, she looked like the Maria he knew she was, the Maria who had no hurt and deserved none of it, the woman who had captures his heart, brought his family back together and had done it all with a song on her lips. The woman he loved so desperately. And yet she was hurting so much, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Was there really no longer a life growing inside of her?
Consumed by the shadows once again, his body wracked once before a solitary tear scrolled down his cheek. Please, he just wanted of moment of peace, a slither of comfort to get him through the day. Almost to his horror, Maria's eyes fluttered open in response to his sniffs, and once she was awake; he watched sombrely as her gaze clouded over with pain…it was going to be a long road. But when she saw that he was crying, all she could do was look at him with such compassion that it became a whole new battle to stop himself from blubbering like a fool. Even in the midst of all of this, she was so focused on comforting him rather than dealing with her own heartbreak…what did he ever do to deserve her?
"Come here" she beckoned softly, and without a second thought he moved into her arms and closed his eyes as she pressed a kiss to his temple, "What was it you told me last night? That we'd get through this together"
"I know…and we will, I just didn't think I was prepared to feel this sort of pain again" he admitted.
"You shouldn't have to go through something like this again"
"Let's not get into all that again" he said with some humour, "…how on earth are you so concerned over my pain?"
"You think just because I'm hurting that I can't try and heal you too?"
"I know how much strength it takes to get through something like this"
"I know you do, but let me echo your words again, there's no correct way to deal with bereavement, just because I feel pain, doesn't mean I can't stop to help you along the way. That's the whole point, we're doing this together, so I'm not going to allow you to get left behind"
"I should be stronger than this" he scolded himself.
"No, you shouldn't. You should be exactly as you are. Neither of us have ever…ever lost a child before," she choked, "she we have no defence against this…only each other. But I believe it's going to be enough"
"It will be, once we've got everything sorted, decided on a proper plan for the wedding and we start to return to normal, everything will settle, and we'll recover. Normality is all we need to kickstart it"
But despite the fact that she was trying so hard to comfort him, Georg couldn't ignore the gentle trembling that radiated from her limbs and enveloped him as part of her embrace; Maria's breath hitched too, and he knew that she was falling apart. It really was so heart-warming, the way that she was trying to push her pain aside to make sure that he was okay, but he knew better than anyone else that burying feelings only made them blacker, until they become a sick part of you that thrums through you like a vicious drug. He knew that she needed to look after herself before she turned her sole attention to him. He knew that there was fear and reluctance within her, two agonising emotions that were held together by the all-consuming glue of suffering.
"Maria?" he prompted tenderly.
"Georg, do you think you could do me a favour?"
"Of course"
"Don't feel you have to agree but I…I don't think I'm ready to face everyone today, especially the children, I know they don't know, but they'll be able to tell something's wrong, and I don't think I'm ready to lie, not when I'm still struggling to process it all…do you think I could stay up here? At least during breakfast"
"Of course, Maria, I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for"
"Thank you so much, I just don't think I can face them whilst this is all so fresh…to look at them and know...what I know…it'd hurt too much"
"I know, love, and I'll happily be the one to face them today. I'll tell them that you're unwell and are not to be disturbed"
"Thank you, Georg…"
"I know you wouldn't ask unless you were desperate"
"I think I just need a few hours to collect myself, to give myself a chance to really understand it all and – "
"— And decide how you're going to cope with it in front of them?" he finished for her.
"Yes"
"Maria, I was wondering, do you think that Liesl, Fredrich and Louisa should be told?"
She pondered it for a few seconds, her brow furrowing with deep thought.
"Perhaps…"
"I know that something like this should really be kept private, but I spoke briefly with Max about it last night…they're all old enough to understand, and I think maybe they're old enough to deserve the truth, hiding something like this feels a little more like a betrayal when they're becoming so mature"
"When we promised we treat them more like adults, you mean?"
"Yes. But Max also informed me that if they knew too, then they could help us keep the younger ones at bay, no doubt Marta and Gretl will be all over you if they think you're sad or unwell, at least then they can help cover for us…especially if either of us feel like we need some space"
"It's a good argument, and I suppose like everything else it has its downfalls…"
"What do you think? I won't tell anyone unless you're comfortable with them knowing"
"No, I think you can tell them. I agree, they're old enough to know and I think they deserve it too…plus, I can't deny that it's a reassurance to have the extra allies…you don't think that it'll be more dishonest of us for not telling the younger ones?"
"I thought of that, but they're far too young to comprehend the pain and perhaps fully understand what you've been through, besides, do you really want them – well, Kurt and Brigitta, at least – knowing about what we've been up to for the past month or so?" he asked – teasing her ever so slightly.
"I suppose not…I just hope the older ones won't think any less of us"
"They won't at least not of you…they adore you too much"
"They love you too, Georg. Don't ever forget that"
"I can't, not now that you're here to stay" he smiled.
"Always"
He'd managed to drift in an out of an uncomfortable slumber for a couple more hours, but ultimately, he remained utterly exhausted and in need of rest; it had taken a herculean effort to drag himself out of bed and down to the dining room – his steps purposefully groggy and his mind drunk on sorrow – but he'd managed to do it; and with some delight, he found Max waiting outside.
"Are you okay, Georg?" he asked, not that he needed to, even if he hadn't known what had happened last night, he could tell by the ugly grey bags under Georg's crimson eyes that he certainly wasn't okay.
"As good as I can be, I suppose" he said gravely.
Max let his gaze fall to the floor, he really hated seeing Georg like this, his poor friend had already been through enough. Neither he nor Maria deserved something so tragic.
"Will Maria be joining us?"
"Not today, no"
"I'll go along with whatever you tell the children, Georg"
He nodded in thanks.
"I'm going to tell the older three the truth too"
"I understand"
"It'll be a shock…but we think it'll help" Georg affirmed – the colour completely stolen from his cheeks.
"I agree. Are you ready?"
"Yes"
"If you want out, just give me a signal"
"I'll be fine…I've done this all before" and with that, he strode bravely into the dinning room, not giving Max a chance to respond – leaving him no choice but to trail in behind his friend.
"Good morning, father!" several of the children greeted in chorus.
"Good morning" Georg responded with a tired smile.
"Where's mother?" Gretl asked immediately, and in spite of everything, Georg felt a warm tug at his heart at the sound of his youngest referring to Maria as her mother.
"She's not feeling well, darling"
"She's not? But she seemed fine yesterday" Brigitta queried.
"Well, it came on rather suddenly last night" that was true enough.
"Is she okay?" asked Liesl.
Georg cleared his throat, more of an attempt to collect himself and steady his voice rather than gain their attention.
"I don't want you to worry, okay? She's fine, she's just not feeling the best which is why she won't be joining us for breakfast. I also don't want any of you going up to her room to disturb her, okay? She needs to rest. She says she may join us later, but she's feeling rather down, so please give her space if she needs it"
He knew that his explanation would seem suspicious to them, but he'd had not other choice, he just hoped that their love and respect for Maria – and him, for that matter – would carry through into their sense of obedience. He needed them to accept what he'd told them – really needed it – for if they started to question his alibi, he knew it would all be over. He wasn't as strong the second time around, and the slightest amount of pressure would cause him to crumble completely and he was not about to put his children through that. They too, had suffered enough. And, in truth, it wasn't a complete lie, Maria was sick, sick with grief, and upstairs, she simply lay within her bed, still like death, and did nothing to stop the timid trickle of tears that had arisen when Georg left her. Part of her wanted to wail madly, to scream with all her might and destroy anything that would break…but she just didn't have that kind of energy. After mere hours, it had worn her down to the bone.
With a sniff and delicate blubber, she ran her palm down to her abdomen with unjust trepidation…it wasn't the only thing that was empty…
Breakfast had been quiet, almost too quiet for Georg's liking, and his exhausted mind had sent him a deafening array of paranoid thoughts, each one telling him that his children knew that he was lying or that they had only stayed quiet because they were afraid to ask for the truth; luckily, Max had been there to keep some remanence of a conversation going and he had been grateful for that. It had made things a lot less uncomfortable…and, if he was honest, provided a momentary – and much needed – distraction. When the meal was over, Max had announced that he would take the children out into the garden since it was such a lovely day, but before the older three could exit the room fully, Georg spoke…
"Liesl, Fredrich, Louisa, can you stay behind please, I want to talk to you" he had requested softly – yet peremptorily.
"Are we in trouble?" Fredrich questioned.
"No, no, not at all. But there's something very serious I want to discuss with you…please, sit down"
They all obeyed him, their faces now stricken with worry at the familiar grave tone of their father. Georg placed his hands upon the table – which were laced together tightly – and sighed deeply, the exhale being his only means of soothing himself.
"What I'm about to tell you is very serious and very private, and I am trusting you to be very grown up about all of this, okay?"
"Okay" Liesl murmured.
"What I said about Maria wasn't true. She's not sick…last night she – uh –" again, he coughed to steady the wobble in his voice, he was not about to break down in front of his children, "…she had a miscarriage"
He paused there and watched as their expressions morphed into complete astonishment – the purest kind of shock – and waited patiently for them to process the information, or at least begin to. He knew it was going to be hard for them, and he almost dreaded what he'd have to tell them next.
"I…I don't understand" Louisa fumbled.
"I'm going to start from the beginning and I want you all to listen very carefully. I know this may be hard for you to understand and I'm not entirely proud of what I'm going to tell you, but remember that I'm doing this because I trust you"
All three of them nodded slowly – their mouths still hanging open somewhat.
"I don't need to explain to you that I love Maria, but the way the discovery came about was not through the most acceptable of activities, you see, Maria and I were…" he hesitated for a moment, "…we were having an affair…"
This time he didn't wait, he knew that if he stopped again, he'd never be able to finish the tale…
"…Neither of us are overly proud of our actions, but that's simply what happened. It started nearly two months ago – when the baroness was still here – and we hid it from everyone…the night that Maria ran away and went back to the abbey, well, she did that because she found out that she was pregnant – the baby was mine, of course. I knew nothing about it until she came back, and that was the night that I asked her to marry me, something I realised I should've done at the very beginning. We didn't tell you children about the pregnancy in case…" his voice faltered just a little, "…in case anything happened, which, unfortunately it did last night. And that's why Maria didn't join us. She is utterly devastated, and so am I"
He paused – only briefly – to survey his children, but the looks of melancholy on their faces were almost too much to bear.
"I know that this has been hard for you to hear, and I do hate the fact that I've shared this burden with you, but Maria and I would really appreciate your support in this; we're incredibly upset, and it might take a very long time for us to recover from this…and we don't want the younger ones to start questioning the truth, lest they find out about what really happened"
"We'll help you in anyway that we can" Liesl swallowed and the other two nodded in agreement.
"Thank you so much. I'm not going to ask much of you, and I don't want you grieving over this, all we ask is that you help us keep this from the younger ones, and if you ever see Maria struggling, and I'm not there, then you'll help her out in any way that you can"
"Of course we will" Fredrich assured.
"Thank you for being so grown up, you really don't know how much we appreciate it…and how proud we are of you" he told them with his mouth sloping up into a genuine smile.
"And we're really sorry for what you've had to go through, father…" Louisa added faintly, "…you both just deserve to be happy"
"I can't imagine how hard this has been" Liesl empathised,
"It's not been easy, but we'll get through it" he said hopefully.
And when Georg looked back at his children, he felt a warm swell of pride fill every inch of his body, perhaps he'd underestimated them? After all, they had lost their mother several years ago, they knew what loss was like, but they had recovered, and Georg finally realised that his children were all so much stronger than they were given credit for. And even in the midst of something this tragic, all they wanted was to help him, and to ensure that he and Maria were happy. He was truly blessed to have such an incredible family.
They were sat out by the lake about a week later, the daring shade of midnight surrounding them and giving a home to the gentle dusting of stars that twinkled proudly over Austria; they were alone, of course, Max knew that they needed their space, and it would be a disrespect to them to be suspicious of their actions at such a time. So, they sat (almost) leisurely on the river bank, the soft, chilled grass beneath them and their hands entwined as they spoke.
"Do you ever think about what might have been?" Maria asked almost apprehensively.
"All the time" her fiancée admitted, "Do you?"
"I do"
"What do you think about?"
"Everything, I suppose," she sighed, "I think about what it would've been like when I started to show, how the children would react when we told them – whether they'd be excited or nervous – which names we would've chosen, whether or not it would've been a boy or a girl and…and what they would've looked like…" her voice cracked as she spoke, but she didn't cry. Not this time, not when Georg moved to hold her and nuzzled into her hair.
"I think about all those things too…and more"
"Like what?"
"Little things, like whether or not our baby would sleep through the night or if they'd keep us up…I think they would've had a strong pair of lungs on them – something they no doubt would've inherited from both of us…" he teased slightly and was even able to coax a small giggle from Maria. It was all about the little victories, "…whose hair colour they'd have or which lullaby would be their favourite"
"Edelweiss, I'm sure" Maria mused.
"Sometimes I wonder if it's foolish for me to dwell on such things, after all, we're never going to know the answers" he breathed.
"I wondered that too, but then I thought that surely such ponderings are natural, as long as they don't cause us pain, there's really no harm. For me, it's all part of the healing process, it reminds me that even though we'll never know that baby, their memory won't ever leave us. They'll always have a place in our hearts and I think that my imaginings of them simply help them to live on, but it also helps us to move on"
"You're wise beyond your years, Miss Rainer" he said affectionately before pecking at her temple.
However, the use of her surname had unknowingly given her a chance to bring up the topic that had been eating away at her subconscious all evening; she had no idea how she was going to broach it – for it hadn't been discussed since the miscarriage – but she just didn't think she could leave it any longer.
"Georg?" she prompted – her tone barely more than a whimper.
"Yes, love?"
"Can I talk to you about the wedding?"
He shifted his position slightly so that he could look at her and did his best to ignore the increased drum of his heart; they hadn't spoken about the wedding since their mutual agreement to postpone it, and he feared what she had to say.
"Of course"
"Before I say anything, I just want you to know that you can absolutely say no to this and I promise you that I won't be upset" she told him seriously.
Now he was scared.
"Go on" he encouraged.
"I'm still hurting, Georg…so much that sometimes I doubt if it'll ever stop…but the one thing that hasn't changed is my love for you, in fact, in some strange way I think what's happened may have strengthened it. And in the midst of all of this, I still have such a yearning for you, I want to be your wife so badly, and I want to be a mother to your children…I – I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I don't know how much longer I can wait, I want all the stress of the engagement, the chaperones and the separation to be over; I want us to start our life together…you said yourself that normality can be the greatest cure for grief"
"Are you saying that you don't want to postpone the wedding?"
"I know that it was my idea to hold off in the first place, and I'm not saying that I want us to rush into it like we were going to, but I don't want to wait…I'm not sure if I can wait, I just want us to do it normally, like we would have if there hadn't – hadn't been a baby. I need you in a time like this, Georg, and without being married, I don't feel as though I actually have you. I want us to be married and I want us to have a proper wedding…I know that it's a lot to ask and I'm aware of the fact that it may seem selfish, but I want to be with you and I think that we deserve this…" she trailed off, afraid that she had already ruined things.
She didn't look at him for a few long seconds, but eventually, she felt him nuzzle into her hair once more, only this time, it was his way of asking her to face him, and when she did, she saw nothing but the strongest, most intense kind of affection glistening in his eyes. She smiled and almost wept.
"I want to be with you too, Maria, and I want nothing more than for us to be married – for us to have a proper life – if you want to pick up the wedding where it left off, and to do it properly, then I am completely on board"
"You are?"
"Wholeheartedly" he smiled.
She snuggled back into him, buried her head into his chest and for the first time in what seemed like forever, she sighed with contentment – perhaps even happiness? Maybe there really was hope after all?
"I love you, Georg" she said against his chest.
"I love you too"
And he did. He truly did.
AUTHOR'ES NOTES: There you go, I hope you don't hate me too much! But, as I said from the beginning (Perhaps on Instagram and not on here?) I wanted this story to be different, and I do sort of enjoy writing about tragedy...plus, it can be quiet tiring to exclusively write romance (as much as I adore it!) but that's just me.
Also, the idea of Maria having a miscarriage was inspired by the story of the real Maria Von Trapp, I read that due to a problem with her kidneys, she - tragically - suffered form many miscarriages; I'm not sure how accurate this is, but I read that she had around eight pregnancies, but only three of the children survived...
Anyway, as I said at the start, I'm not too sure how I'm going to round this off, but there will definitely be another chapter, so, don't worry, this isn't the end. I'll be sure to let you know when that time has come.
But, thank you once again for all your support, kind words and reviews, I've had so many people tell me how much they love this story and I honestly have no words (ironic!) to describe how much that means to me!
I'd really love to hear your thoughts on this chapter, so a review would make my day!
See you soon! xxx