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Chapter 11: Under The Stars
And so, watched by none but the stars, Kagome told Inuyasha everything that had happened. By the end of her story Inuyasha's eyes were tightly shut, his mouth firmly closed. Kagome could feel his grief and knew it was something he would have to go through, but she would be there for him.
"Kikyo loved you. She loved you so much. She wanted you to live your life." She told him before looking away.
"I'm so sorry. Maybe if I had..."
"Don't." Inuyasha interrupted her. "Don't go blaming yourself over this or anything else that's happened." He stood the both of them up and took a deep breath.
"Look, I'm gonna say some things, and they won't be easy for me. I want you to promise you won't interrupt me or run off before I can finish." He looked Kagome in the eyes as she felt him shove his grief down for the moment. Whatever it was it was clearly very important to him that she hear it. "Do you promise?"
Kagome nodded. "I promise. Say what you need to say."
Inuyasha steeled himself, then began to speak.
"First of all, get it out of your head that I hate you, for this or for any other reason. I've been annoyed and frustrated with you, I've been mad as hell at you, but I've never hated you and I never will. So stop thinking you have to play the martyr to prove yourself to me."
He grabbed Kagome's arms, making sure she was looking at him. "What happened to me isn't your fault. You don't have to make it up to me or feel like you need to punish yourself for it. Okay?"
Kagome leaned into his chest, nodding that she understood as she closed her eyes and enjoyed his presence. His smell reminded her of the forest, and she had greatly missed it when he was gone.
Inuyasha took another breath. He knew this would be hard on the both of them. "I love Kikyo. She was the first person in my life besides my mother to treat me like something besides a monster. I would have become human for her, just to be accepted."
Kagome thought her heart might stop. She knew what he was going to say next. That he wanted to use the jewel to resurrect her. And why wouldn't he after all? Kikyo had loved him without the need for the beads. She had trusted him. She had...
"But Kikyo, the real Kikyo, died a long time ago." Inuyasha continued, jolting Kagome from her thoughts. She looked up at him, eyes wide, as he continued.
"I didn't want to admit it to myself, but what that witch brought back...she was Kikyo and at the same time she wasn't. She was vengeful and filled with spite, nothing like the Kikyo I remembered. And...she just felt wrong. I swear I could feel her lack of a true soul. That's one of the reasons even when I went to see her I didn't stay long. I didn't feel the same way when I was with her as I did when I was with the real Kikyo."
He placed a hand on Kagome's chin, lifting her face to look at him.
"Or as I do when I'm with you."
Kagome couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was he really saying this?
"I'll mourn her in my own way. But it helps that it was her choice this time. That she finally let go of her anger and hate and became her old self before she died. I hope she finally found some peace."
Kagome hugged him, feeling a great relief. She had been terrified he would blame her for what happened to Kikyo.
Inuyasha hugged her back for a few moments, then let her go. "And the last thing. I want you to take these beads off of me. I could endure them if that was what it took for you too feel safe around me, but I can't fight anymore if I'm worried about you getting hurt when I do."
Kagome couldn't take it anymore, and even though she promised not too she interrupted him. "I'm sorry for that. I should have taken them off a long time ago. I trust you completely and I'm sorry I hurt you." Reaching up to his neck, she pulled the beads over his head and off. Kagome sighed as the sensation of Inuyasha's emotions in her mind faded. She would miss it, but he deserved to be free.
"You're free now. If you stay with me I want it to be because you want to, not because you think you have too or are afraid of what I'll do to you if you leave." She wiped her eyes. "Please forgive me."
Inuyasha closed his eyes as for the first time in nearly a year, he felt truly free. "Thank you."
They sat on the edge of the well for a while, then decided to head back home. Once they were both safe in Kagome's bed she held Inuyasha like she had that night one week ago, his hands tightly gripping her shirt as she stroked his ears. He had been holding back his grief for Kikyo so he could speak with her, tell her what had to be said, but now it came pouring out of him. But this time instead of the frenzied sobbing of the week before he simply cried quietly.
Kagome knew this wouldn't be the last time she had to hold him at night. He still had a long way to go, they both did. But together, now as equals, she knew they would get through it.
...
Miroku sat cross-legged out in front of the village headman's home, looking at the stars. Sometime, when he was alone at night, he wondered about them. He supposed people had since the first human had cast their eyes up and seen them. Kagome had once said something about them being huge balls of fire that laid very far away. Some said they could be read like scrolls, revealing human fate. Some went even further and claimed all human action was predetermined by the movements of the stars, and thus there was no true free will.
He hoped that wasn't true. All of his life had been a fight against fate. Against the curse Naraku had laid on his family. To find out that everything he did was predetermined, that nothing he did could possibly matter, would have been crushing.
"Can't sleep?"
Miroku looked behind him to see Sango, wearing only a simple yukata. She sat down next to him.
"I was just thinking about the stars." He told her. "Do you believe they govern our destinies?"
Sango paused, looking at her feet. "I hope not." She responded after a while. "If everything we do is predestined, what's the point of living in the first place?"
"I guess to some it would be comforting to believe that nothing is truly their fault. That it's all fate." He said. "But I've never believed that. Like you said, what would be the point of living?"
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Sango looked up at him. "About the bath. What you said..."
"I'm sorry for that." He bowed. "I didn't think..."
Sango took his cursed hand in hers. "Did you mean what you said? That there is no one you'd rather be with?"
Miroku looked into her eyes, then nodded. "Yes. But it's not fair to you. Or to any children we might have."
Sango squeezed his hand tighter.
"I could die any day now. Could you really love a man like that? One who could be gone tomorrow?"
She reached forwards, hugging him. "I don't care if we only get another month. Another week, a day, an hour, a minute. I still want to spend it with you."
Miroku resisted the urge to hug her back. "And what about children? I've been thinking about this for a while now, and though I wish to avenge my father and grandfather, it isn't worth putting a child through what I've gone though. If I must die of this curse, I should be the last to do so."
Sango held onto him. "I have my own reasons to not want to have a child right now. If I did, Naraku would surely try to use it against us just as he has Kohaku." She pulled him forwards until he was looking at her.
"But we will destroy Naraku! You have to believe it! One day he will be gone and we can be married!"
Miroku leaned in closer. "When you say it like that, you make me believe it."
"You should!" Sango said, sounding a little annoyed. "Why do you think he only uses his spawn or puppets to attack us? Why does he run if we get close on the few occasions he actually tries to fight us? Because he's afraid of us! Kagome nearly destroyed him once by herself, and he knows that if we all manage to trap him where he can't run away he won't stand a chance!"
The monk's mouth hung open. He had never seen Sango so confident. "I...never considered it that way."
"And it's not just us he has to worry about!" Sango continued. "He has made enemies all over! Koga and his tribe, Sesshomaru, and probably others we don't even know about! No wonder than he hardly ever dares show his face!"
She paused, looking around and blushing as she realized she had been yelling in the middle of the night. She hoped she hadn't woken up their hosts.
"You say you're a man of faith." She whispered. "Well I'm asking you to have faith in your friends. And in yourself."
Miroku slowly put his arms around her, before leaning over and kissing her. Sango eagerly returned the kiss, melting into his arms.
"You're right." He agreed after breaking the kiss. "We will win. And once this is all over I'll make you my wife if you'll have me."
Sango grabbed onto his robe, pulling him in for another kiss.
"I won't have it any other way."
...
The next morning Kimiko helped Kagome pack her backpack as she and Inuyasha got ready to return to the feudal era. She wished they could stay, but Inuyasha had insisted that it was time they resumed their journey. He had enjoyed the warmth and love of her family (to say nothing of the joy of a hot shower whenever he wanted it), but Naraku and the jewel shards couldn't wait any longer.
"We've wasted too much time because of me already." He angrily huffed. But once no one was in the room except the two of them he hugged Kimiko.
"Thank you." He told her. "Thank you for all that you've done for me. I'll never be able to repay you."
Kimiko was a bit shocked at first, unused to Inuyasha being so affectionate, but quickly returned the hug. "You're welcome Inuyasha. Remember that you will always have a home here."
Once they were through the well Inuyasha and Kagome headed for Keade's village, both to pick up a few things and to get Shippo. Inuyasha gleefully reminded Kagome that she still had to punish the kitsune for stealing cherries.
"You don't have to act so happy about it." She scolded him. "He's just a little boy."
"Come on, you're practically his mom. It's your job to discipline him." Inuyasha explained, placing his hands behind his head. "If my mother had caught me doing half the things he's gotten away with I wouldn't sit for a week."
"Well that's not the way my mother does things, and it isn't my way either." Kagome told him before wagging her finger in his direction and smiling a little. "But I might make an exception with you if you don't drop that attitude."
"Oh I believe that." Inuyasha nodded and grinned. "After what I saw you do to that mangy wolf I'll have to be on my best behavior if I want to keep my balls." He saw her frown at that. "Hey, it was just a joke."
"It's not that..." Kagome sighed. "I just...I know I should have told Koga a long time ago I wasn't interested in him. It wasn't fair to him for me to let him think he had a chance with me." She looked up at her companion. "And it was especially unfair to you. I should have told him the truth the first time he came after me. Instead I let all of those fights happen."
Inuyasha took one of her hands in his as they walked. "Well I think he got the message last night. If he didn't, feel free to make good on your threat."
Kagome looked sad for a moment. "I hope I didn't hurt him to badly."
Inuyasha shook his head. "Youkai are tougher than you weak humans." He teased her. "Besides, you did him a favor. How long would it be before Naraku went after those two jewel shards and slaughtered the whole tribe for getting in his way?"
"Well when you put it that way..."
Kagome was about to say more when Inuyasha suddenly pulled his hand out of hers and used it to block her from going forwards. He sniffed the air and scowled.
"I smell wolf."
Kagome looked around, instinctively trying to sense jewel shards before she remembered that Koga didn't have any now. "Koga?"
"No..." Inuyasha sniffed again. "There are three of them."
Soon afterwards Ayame came running in their direction, followed closely by Ginta and Hakkaku.
"Sis!" Ginta shouted.
"And...Inuyasha?" Hakkaku turned his head slightly. "What happened to your hair?"
Inuyasha relaxed and crossed his arms. "Does no one besides me ever have their hair cut?"
Ayame ignored the boys as she walked up to Kagome. Instantly she was worried, the wolf girl looked like she hadn't slept all night.
"Ayame...what's wrong?"
The wolf girl scowled at her. "I should ask you that. Koga said he smelled you and him," She pointed to Inuyasha "And said he was going to check up on you. Then he never came back."
Kagome gasped at that. "Wait...you mean you don't know where he is?"
Ayame grabbed Kagome by her shirt. Inuyasha was about to shove the wolf girl off of her, but Kagome motioned him to stay back.
"What did you do to him?"
"Ayame, the truth is things didn't go well." Kagome told her. "I got angry at Koga and told him I didn't want to be with him. Then I subdued him and took his jewel shards."
Ayame glared at her. "You stole his jewel shards?!"
"Come on, those things were nothing but trouble." Inuyasha said. He was ready to jump in if it looked like Kagome was really in trouble. "I was just telling her, it was only a matter of time before Naraku wiped out his clan for them."
Kagome nodded. "But I swear to you, he was fine when I told him to go away."
The wolf girl growled at her. "If I find out you're lying to me..."
"I'm not lying." Kagome pulled herself free. "Inuyasha and I will help you look for him. Right Inuyasha?" She asked.
Inuyasha was about to tell her that the wolf could rot for all he cared, but when Kagome gave him her best 'Please?' look he simply rolled his eyes. "Keh! Fine, the sooner we get this over with the sooner I never have to see that mangy wolf again."