As predicted, mine and Usagi's schedules haven't let up any. It seems like we started this school year off relatively okay and just became busier and busier as it went on. But no worries! We're not stopping this story. We're just not RPing for hours at a time like we used to. We still get stuff done, though.
Finally saw Rise of the Guardians yesterday. It was a pretty great movie. It seems like everyone else is swooning over Jack Frost, but my favorite character had to be Santa. I wish the real world had a rough, tough Russian Santa in it. XD
Anyway...here's the next chapter. Thanks for reviewing and sticking around as always!
Alfred awoke to the sound of knocking, blinking his blue eyes open and ridding them of sleep. Alfred yawned and called out, "Coming!". As he shifted to move from his sprawled position on his stomach, he hissed when a stinging pain from his bottom was felt. It was then that Alfred remembered what exactly made his ass burn and sting as it did. Alfred's face flushed at the realization at what had transpired between Ivan and himself. Ivan had dragged Alfred up to his chambers after Alfred broke the chandelier and nearly died. He then proceeded to bend Alfred over his knee and spank him like a child. Alfred even enjoyed it for god's sake! And to make it all worse, he then gave into Ivan when he began sucking him off, moaning and mewling like some slut! He'd never felt so absolutely humiliated in his life.
Swallowing his embarrassment, Alfred ignored the slight sting in his ass as he moved off the bed and bent over to grab his discarded leggings. Pulling them on as he made his way over to the door, Alfred made himself as presentable as possible before opening the door a bit and poking his head out. He saw a concerned looking Toris in front of the door, wait patiently if not also a little anxiously outside the door. Giving him a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, Alfred asked, "Hey Toris, watcha need?"
Toris put one of his shaky, signature smiles on. "I just wanted to check on you. Divines, Alfred. You were almost crushed earlier this evening! And yet, you're acting like it's just another day." Toris forced out a small laugh, recognizing the distant look in Alfred's eyes. Unlike his smile, they weren't looking very bright right now. Stepping into the room with the blonde and closing the door, Toris leaned against the wall. "Are you okay? What happened?" Toris didn't see any signs of violence on Alfred. There were o bruises around his face or his arms. Unless Ivan had hit him in a place concealed by his clothes, there was pretty much no evidence of any harm done to the young slave. However, he knew what Ivan had taken him upstairs for. And knowing Ivan, he knew that the powerful lord didn't just let Alfred off the hook.
Alfred bit his lip to suppress a hiss of pain as he sat down on the edge of the bed. At Toris's question, Alfred avoided eye contact as his face flushed once more, burning in shame at the cause of the burning in his back side. He didn't want his friend to worry, but at the same time though he didn't want to tell Toris about the humiliating experience. Alfred mumbled out sullenly as stared at his lap, "I appreciate you worryin' Toris, I really do. And don't worry, I'm fine from the chandelier incident, just a couple of bruises from the landing. It's Just...I just don't want to talk about the punishment. " He figured Toris would be his normal unassertive self and let Alfred have his privacy. But the younger slave was taken by surprise as Toris strode over to the bed, sitting beside Alfred before taking one of Alfred's hands in his and giving it a comforting squeeze. Then lifting Alfred's chin up to look into his worried and gentle eyes, though his mouth was drawn into a stern frown.
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me. I understand, in a sense. I already know." From Alfred's hesitant behavior and the relatively calm way he was acting, Toris could tell that Ivan hadn't laid his hands on Alfred at all. At least, not in a harmful way. "Listen Alfred, don't be ashamed of hiding things from me, or any of the others in Ivan's circle. We've all been there before, so it's not like we'll judge you for what's happening. Though, if it's any consolation, none of the others including myself have never received this much attention from Ivan over such a long period of time. Usually after the first week or so, his interest starts waning. But with you, it just seems to grow every day." Toris sighed, shaking his head. He didn't want to tell Alfred that he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.
Alfred bit his lip once more as he debated telling Toris what happened between Ivan in him. After a moment of silence, Alfred sighed and reluctantly nodded. Swallowing his pride, Alfred muttered, " I...okay… I'll tell you Toris. Can you...can you not tell anyone what happened in specific though if they ask?" It's not that he thought they would judge him, it was more of he just trusted Toris enough and felt comfortable enough to tell him. Even when he really felt uncomfortable doing so.
Toris squeezed Alfred's hand again in a comforting manner. "Of course. This is solely between the two of us. Even if anyone asks, I'll just tell them that you didn't tell me anything. " Toris respected Alfred. And though the others may have also been in Alfred's shoes at one point in their time here, he still respected the other enough not to let loose any information if it made Alfred uncomfortable. Toris knew how humiliated it could make a person feel if information like that was leaked out. He'd experienced it once before whenever he was one of the only slaves living in the house. The brunette could still hear the insincere whispers of the servants and guardsmen.
Alfred gave Toris a weak, but more sincere smile at the brunette's promise. He knew that Toris was trustworthy enough to take his words at face value. Alfred licked his dry lips a bit and took a deep breath to prepare himself for the onslaught of emotions he knew would come with telling Toris what happened. "Thanks Toris. Well, what happened after Ivan dragged me up here is..." After an awkward retelling of how Ivan spanked him and then gave him a blowjob, Alfred continued with how he felt about it all. "I just, I felt so humiliated Toris. I mean, I know he could have done a lot worse. But still! I-I just feel like this worse than any beating he could have given me. I mean, I've been beaten before by the guards in the slave market, so I know I could have handled it. But he treated me like a child! And I liked it- well not the being treated like a child part. But the spanking in general. And then...I just gave in...I feel so ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated." Alfred bit his lip for the third time since he woke up as he looked down in shame, fighting the hurt emotion from before as well has his humiliation.
Toris nodded in understanding, a sympathetic look on his face. He patted the top of Alfred's hand reassuringly. "Listen Alfred. There's nothing to be ashamed about. Just because you happened to enjoy it doesn't make you any less of a person." Toris had been there before and he had learned that letting yourself drown in self guilt and humiliation was not the healthy thing to do. "It's just your body's natural reaction and there's nothing you could do about it. So don't sit here and pester yourself about it. It's not healthy and it's not worth it, because no matter what, you'll still be Alfred and you'll still be priceless and irreplaceable." Toris was unsure of the way he phrased it – it did sound a little blunt and straightforward – but Alfred needed to know the truth. "If anything…and please think about this before you come to your final conclusion…consider the pleasure on your part as a personal benefit. Instead of feeling pain, you're feeling the exact opposite of that. You should never be ashamed of your sexuality. It's just a part of us that we sometimes have to sate, even if we feel a little iffy about it. It's not healthy to repress your desires. And if you think it makes you a whore of some sort, you're wrong. You're still pure Alfred. You don't sell your body to others for material gain. You've only slept with one person. Don't let that make you think any less of yourself, okay?" Toris was doing all he could to comfort the other. The topic of the subject though was making it a little difficult to do so. However, he wouldn't let Alfred sit and wallow in self-pity or disgust.
Alfred just sighed and nodded his head at Toris's words. He understood what he was trying to say. At the same time though, he couldn't help how he felt. Maybe it was because he lived a hard, but relatively sheltered life with very open-minded in some respects, yet traditional parents. They believed in no sex before marriage, and with the change in times, Alfred was sure he would have broken that moral code himself. He just figured he'd fall in love with some girl (Or boy...he knew he was already bisexual , but he still always figured he'd marry some pretty girl anyway) and lose his virginity, at least that kind, to her. And his Ma always did say he was as willful and prideful as his Pa, so his dignity was making it hard to feel anything but humiliation for enjoying the spanking as well as giving in to Ivan at all. Alfred struggled for words, "I-I know what you're trying to say Toris. But it's just hard for me to feel nothing but shame. Maybe I'm too prideful. Or maybe it's because I always believed I'd fall in love and make love with someone and get married and the whole normal life thing. I just...I don't even like him! I don't want it...but I still just gave in." Alfred felt frustrated tears prick at his eyes. He felt so angry and shameful at himself. However, a lot of that anger was being directed at Ivan as well, the cause of his turmoil and shame. Alfred quickly wiped them away, not wanting to cry in front of Toris. That'd just make him feel even worse and more embarrassed.
"Alfred…" Toris said soothingly, draping an arm around the blonde's shoulder and bringing him into a one armed hug. "I understand. You don't have to say anything else about it if you don't want to. We'll talk about this later, whenever you're feeling a little better, okay?" The brunette gave Alfred a gentle smile, watching as the other nodded and tried to blink away the tears. Pushing Alfred back just a small bit, Toris stood up from the bed. "Well, I have to go back to Lord Ivan…as much as I don't want to. But duty calls, and I'm sure you don't want him up here just yet. He'll probably come looking for me if I don't show up before too soon. Remember, if you ever need me, just come find me Alfred. I'm more than willing to listen to anything you have to say. And I promise I won't tell anyone what we talk about." Toris held out his pinky finger in front of Alfred. The young slave recognized the gesture and reciprocated it, locking pinkies and shaking.
Alfred's smiled once more at Toris's gesture. The smile was still weak and dismal, but once again it was sincere. The pinky promise may have been childish, but it was comforting with its familiarity. "Thanks Toris, you don't know how much that means to me." Gilbert may be a fun guy, and the one he could count on backing him up in a fight and hell maybe even give him advice, but Toris however was someone Alfred could trust wholeheartedly and felt like he could confide to. Toris just gave him another gentle smile and told him that it was no big deal, and he was more than happy to help him. They then both reclaimed their pinkies, and just as Toris was about to open the door to leave, Alfred called out to him. "Oh! Um Toris!" When he saw he had the other's attention again, he gave a sheepish look, "Um, I don't think I'll be able to come to dinner. I just don't want to deal with everyone right now when I'm so emotional...and I really don't want to deal with him just yet..."
Giving a small laugh, Toris spoke whole-heartedly. "Once again, I understand. But don't sit up here and starve yourself if you're really hungry. I'll be seeing you later, Alfred." Toris stepped out the door and into the hallway He sighed as he began descending the stairs and heading for Ivan's office. Sometimes he hated being the person the lord loved to confide in whenever he needed work done.
The first thing Ivan had noticed at dinner was that Alfred wasn't there. Apparently, everyone else noticed it as well too. Dinner was made slightly awkward, especially whenever talk of the chandelier scene had popped up. Speaking of the chandelier, the broken contraption had been disposed of and the foyer cleaned of any shards of glass. Ivan had Toris put out an order for a new chandelier to be made. It would cost a hefty sum, but Ivan felt that his home wouldn't feel the same unless the chandelier was replaced. He loved familiarity. It made him feel comfortable, which is why the lack of Alfred's presence at the dinner table was making him feel uncomfortable. Yet, he never openly addressed the issue and instead chose to stay quiet throughout the dinner.
Afterwards, Ivan decided that maybe he should head upstairs and check on Alfred. It was already late into the evening, so he could just say he was planning on taking a bath and then heading to bed. The platinum haired lord pushed up his door quietly and stepped inside his chambers, finding the blonde slave sitting on the edge of the bed and looking very thoughtful at the moment. Deciding to test the waters, Ivan spoke hesitantly. "Alfred?"
After Toris had left, Alfred more or less brooded on his feelings for the rest of the evening. Slowly his feelings of shame, humiliation, and the past hurt and betrayal from the aphrodisiac incident brewed into anger not only aimed at himself, but Ivan as well if not more so. Considering it was Ivan's actions that were causing all these confusing and painful feelings to well up inside him, it was understandable that Alfred would focus his bubbling anger at the lord. So Alfred just sat there on the bed, trying to suppress once more his overflowing emotions.
It was in the middle of this process that Ivan decided to present himself once more to the emotionally unstable slave. Alfred froze has he heard Ivan call out his name. At the man's voice, he tightened his grip on his arms. Alfred's arms crossed protectively around his chest, his blood boiling as he glanced darkly at Ivan and before he could stop himself and reign in his emotions, he snapped testily, "What?"
Raising his pale brows at Alfred's sharp tone, Ivan merely closed the door quietly behind him. "You weren't at dinner this evening. Why?" Although there were alarm bells going off in Ivan's mind that told him Alfred was not in the mood to be pestered, he couldn't stop himself from questioning the other. Alfred's mood swings left Ivan in a constant state of whiplash, or so it seemed. Well, at least they were mood swings to Ivan. He could never understand how Alfred was able to cycle through so many emotional states in such a short amount of time.
Alfred ground out between clenched teeth, trying to honestly suppress his feelings that were slowly bubbling over. "I didn't feel like it." His reply was curt and short, but had a little bit of a snappy tone to it. He was so close to snapping again like he did in the hallway when he stood up to Ivan for his near abuse towards Raivis. Alfred's hurt, humiliation, and frustration were combining to form an intense anger burning inside of him, just waiting for Ivan to say one more thing before it consumed Alfred and egged him to lash out. He seriously hoped Ivan wasn't gutsy enough to try his temperament at this time, or else he didn't what he'd say or do.
Blinking a bit at the slave's dark mood and his short and snappy tone, Ivan merely cast Alfred an even more confused look. He'd been fine earlier in the evening, his goofing around with Gilbert a testament to that. Even during their little moment of intimacy, he hadn't been acting like this. Ivan's eyes narrowed as he tried to figure out what the source of Alfred's attitude was. "What's wrong with you? And do not try to tell me that it's nothing. You were fine this evening. What's put you in such a horrible mood?" One thing was for sure. Ivan would get to the bottom of Alfred's mood swings. He was tired of getting whiplash from the blonde's constant change in demeanor and behavior. At least, that's how it appeared to Ivan.
Alfred shifted his fierce glare from his knees to Ivan, practically growling as he was moved ever closer to losing whatever little composure he had left. "Why ? Why the hell do you think!" Alfred grumbled. Seriously, was Ivan so into himself that he couldn't for one damn moment even think about it for himself? Maybe he could at least try to see things from Alfred's perspective, if only to answer his own questions.
Flinching back as if Alfred's sharp tone was a physical blow, Ivan's face contorted into a perplexed expression before his natural annoyance at the other's snappy mood set in. "I have absolutely no idea. I never do. One second, you are perfectly fine. The next, you are all but lashing out at me, which quite frankly, I'm beginning to grow tired of. You can't expect me to know everything Alfred. I can't know your problems with me unless you tell me." Ivan crossed his arms, waiting for the other to reply. He saw Alfred's fingers tighten against his own arms, his fingers digging harshly into the sleeves of his tunic.
It was too much, Alfred just couldn't hold back anymore. Consequences be damned. Alfred tightened his hold on his arms, short nails almost biting into his skin if not for the thin layer cloth from his tunic's sleeve acting like a barrier. Blue eyes filled with anger, Alfred eyes narrowed to almost blue slits in rage. Alfred inhaled then exhaled, a light tremble in the action from the raw emotions he'd been suppressing since the aphrodisiac incident and probably even from before then. "You want me to tell you what my problem is? Fine. I'll fucking tell you, because you can't seem to get your head out of your ass long enough to even give a real effort at trying to understand how anyone else feels." Alfred replied with calm but venomous voice that slowly got louder and more heated as his emotions consumed him, like a small fire gradually growing into a raging inferno. "My problem Lord Ivan is you. You were the one who treated me like something less than a pet, then suddenly started acting differently towards me. Playing the nice guy routine, not insulting me anymore, and actually making me believe you cared even a little for me and how I felt! Only to then take advantage of me while I was fucking drugged. I can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for your act! I started to trust you! Then you threw it in my fucking face, you didn't care if I wanted it. You were just happy I wasn't fighting you off and was willing, despite the fact I wasn't in my right state of mind! I'd never felt so betrayed , I'd never felt so stupid and angry at myself before for having believed for one goddamn minute that you cared at all for me and how I felt! Then you go and belittle me by treating me like a child with your punishment. I was so humiliated and ashamed of myself for having given into you despite not wanting it! You say I'm the one always changing my behavior? Well look in the goddamn mirror and see the hypocrite staring back at you! You want to know what my problem is? Well, I'll tell ya! It's YOU!" Alfred shouted, face only a few inches away from Ivan's stunned one. Throughout his tirade, Alfred had gotten up off the bed and slowly approached the lord until he was right in front of him, curling his fingers around the fabric of his shirt and drawing him closer like he had in the hallway that one time.
A long pause followed after Alfred admitted his feelings, intense, rage filled blue eyes glossed over in frustrated tears threatening to spill. Alfred broke the silence as his eyes clenched shut tightly as he lowered his head, slowly shaking it. His voice was raw and trembling with emotion, but quieter as his rage disappeared to be replaced with raw hurt and a sort of weariness. "A-And I just can't deal with it. I can't deal with these painful feelings you give me. I just can't deal with you acting like you care, only to throw it in my fucking face when it suits you best...I just can't." With that he pushed Ivan away from him with light shove that still made the bewildered lord stumble a bit. Alfred walked past him to the door of Ivan's chambers. With his hand on the door knob, he paused for a moment. "...If you need someone to fuck then fine, just...stop pretending like you care when you don't. It'll be easier on both of us." Alfred mumbled before gripping the glass knob and turning it, leaving to see if Toris or Gilbert would him bunk with one of the.
Throughout the entire event, Ivan was unable to find his voice. It was like he couldn't push the sound out, a thick blockade repressing any sort of comforting or otherwise angry words he could have thrown at Alfred. With lips slightly parted and eyes strained with emotional conflict, he simply allowed Alfred to vent all his frustrations, throwing the hurtful, yet somehow painfully true words in Ivan's face. All the while, familiar thoughts and questions filtered through Ivan's mind. Why should he care? Why should he let Alfred sit here and belittle him and disrespect him? What was so hard about physically punishing the other or striking him down like he would have done to anyone else? Yet, once again the thought of bringing his hand down on Alfred in violent way made Ivan's stomach drop.
The platinum haired lord simply stood there and let Alfred finish. He squeezed his hands tightly at his sides, as if to help him stay rooted to that spot and to keep himself from just walking out in the middle of Alfred's berating. Ivan didn't want to hear these words. He didn't want to hear them because they were harsh and angry. Most of all, he didn't want to hear them because deep down, he knew it was all true on his part. That night…that night with the aphrodisiacs, Ivan had told himself. He'd told himself that he shouldn't do what he'd done. But he didn't listen, and instead he took advantage of an inebriated Alfred. Sure, he did it because he wanted to give Alfred pleasure too, but it was mostly just for himself. It was mostly just to be able to touch the blonde and feel him for his own sick pleasure without any actual consequences of doing so. At least, that's how it had been at the time. But now everything was being shoved back in Ivan's face, and the truth of his actions was hard and cold. And the hot tears in Alfred's eyes, the quiver of his voice while he was yelling, and finally the defeated and absolutely broken look that he gave Ivan at the end filled the lord's chest with such a large sense of unease that he felt the strong need to sit down.
Ivan collapsed on the bed, staring down at the ground. Just this evening, everything had been great. He'd thought that maybe Alfred had gotten over things and realized how good Ivan was to him. But he was wrong…it was exactly the opposite. Alfred hated him, he despised him. He hated his touches, was repulsed by his actions, and didn't even want to be in the same room with him apparently. Once again, Ivan tried to tell himself that he shouldn't give a shit, that Alfred was right in saying that he was merely a toy to Ivan, because that's what he was. Yet…Ivan couldn't bring himself to label Alfred as that anymore. Maybe in the beginning whenever he had first bought Alfred, yes. But now, after speaking to the blonde, seeing him smile whenever someone made him laugh, seeing how much emotion and humanity Alfred packed, Ivan couldn't associate him with something so low.
Closing his eyes and taking in a deep and calming breath, Ivan laid back on the center of his large bed. His thoughts continued to race and his guilt began to grow as the minutes passed. By the time he had fallen asleep, his chest felt heavy and numb from the hurt he had caused Alfred.