'allo, mein children~!
All I can say is enjoy~
"Giiiiiiillllllllbeeeeeerrrrr rttttt~" Someone whispered.
Unhappy with being woken up, the Prussian just grunted in response. "Nnnnnooo. . . ."
"Gilbert~ wake u~p~"
"Nein. . ." he groaned.
"Wake up or I'm flushing all the beer down the toilet."
"NEIN!" Gilbert shrieked and shot up in place, immediately searching out the one who threatened his joy in the world. He spotted someone at the foot of the bed, but when he concentrated to focus on who it was it thoroughly shocked him. At his bedside was someone who looked like an older version of his bruder's boytoy Feliciano, except he was wearing a neon pink toga and a sparkly starred magician hat. Little palm-sized rabbits hopped all around the man, who was beaming brightly with the Vargas (trademark) closed-eyed smile.
"Buona sera Gilly~!" He cheered happily.
"Who are you?" Gilbert remarked with surprising coherence considering he had just woken up.
"Il mio nome è Roma," He introduced himself cheerfully, rabbits falling from his shoulders and cloak. Vaguely the albino recognized that his pointy hat was glimmering with sparkles. "You have a mighty quest to undertake."
Gilbert stood up atop his bed with a serious look. "What is this quest?"
"You, Gilbert Harry Potter Hidekaz Sparkle Samwise Atzen Tobuscus Sherlock Zefron Aang Pirate Beilschmidt, must go on an epic journey across time and a lot of Europe in order to complete a task only you can."
"What must I do, Roma?"
"There are three major things that you shall do in order to carry out the crusade. First, you must go to an ordinary office building where all the nations of the world collect in a conference, and steal a certain animal from one of countries assembled — this will be difficult as this pet is especially evil.
"Secondly, you need to climb up the peaks of Cioccolato al Latte, which is a month-long trek up snowy slopes made of fire, where upon reaching the top is a cave. Within that cave are the stalagmites of pancake-dom, where you and only you can recognize which delectable sugary treat is the real pancake. When you figure out which is the real stack of pancakes, your third task comes in.
"After you have the magical creature and the legitimate pancakes, you must travel to the set of Tony Stark's home from the first Iron Man movie where the boss fight ensues. If – if – you succeed, then come back to me and I will return you home."
Gilbert saluted him. "You can count on me, Roma!"
Roma saluted him back with a grin. "I know I can, Gilbert. Now get out there!"
The albino, now suddenly wearing a legitimate Prussian military general uniform, ran out the door and right onto a motorcycle.
If I were an ordinary-looking business office, Gilbert thought, where would I be? Just then he was overcome with the desire to go to a PetSmart. I never was one to ignore a random prompting. Let's go. Gilbert turned off-road down a street he'd never been before but thought Hey. Why not? Going further down the street he came upon a dirt lot with a single PetSmart in the very middle of it. He sped up, the building growing steadily nearer, until he reached the store and burst right through the brick wall — Kool-aid Man style.
"AWESOME~!" he yelled in an epic battle cry.
The PetSmart, seemingly twenty times larger than how it seemed on the outside, was filled with people walking to and fro the shop and it looked as if not a single person even saw the awesome entrance. Gilbert just casually walked over to where he heard melodious singing above the hubbub of people.
As he reached the source of the music, he gasped and fell to his knees.
"W-what? How could anyone be this cruel. . .?" Within a wall of cages were many colorful little parakeets just like his own awesome bird friend. They all seemed to look at the Prussian and say 'Help us, Gilbert-won Kenobi! You're our only hope!' but one yellow bird just sat in the corner. After a minute, Gilbert gaped in recognition. "Gilbird! How did you get in here?"
Gilbird looked at him with a sad, fuzzy little expression. "They captured me when I was just trying to clean my feathers. I was in a tree, being awesome," Gilbert nodded his head, following his pet. "when this Trottel came along and caught me in a net. Then he dumped me in here with my aerial brethren. I've been planned a coup to fly the coop ever since."
"Don't you worry awesome little guys." Gilbert assured, staring at his kleine Vogel. "I'll get all of you out of here. Now where's the dummkopf who captured you?"
"He's over there." Gilbird pointed with his tiny wing at someone behind the cash registers.
Looking over, Gilbert saw the last person he'd expected to see on his legendary adventure, though it made perfect sense.
"Roderich." he snarled, standing up straight. His (distant, very distant) cousin was dressed in red robes and two large, black horns stuck out from under his disgusting mop of greasy black hair. In his hand was an enormous dark pitchfork, he could see tiny little feathers in various parts on the prongs. Gilbert growled in rage. "RODERICH!" he screamed, and the reaction was instantaneous.
Roderich's head snapped over to glare at who called him, and frowned at seeing the albino. "Gilbert Beilschmidt. What do you want?" he sneered condescendingly.
"My name is Gilbert Beilschmidt," he began dramatically, glowering at the Austrian.
"What?" Roderich interrogated.
"You kidnapped mein awesome Gilbird," he continued.
"So what?"
"Prepare to die." Gilbert slowly pulled out the awesome sword of a Teutonic knight, leveling it at the bird-snatcher's face.
Roderich pointed the end of his pitchfork at him in return, and scoffed at the Prussian. "You are no match for my evil powers! I'll kill you, Gilbert Beilschmidt! And your little bird, too!" He leaped in the air and swung his pitchfork around in an attempt to gain the momentum to stab at the albino. Gilbert just jabbed the sword forward just as the Austrian fell down and when the sword pierced his chest his entire body exploded.
Gilbert groaned lightly and rubbed the edge of his sword on a nearby doggie sweater. "Gross. I got 'pretentious aristocrat' all over my mein awesome Klinge." He then walked over to the bird cages and swung the blade in a mighty arc to successfully slice to offending lock in half.
All the birds flew out and surrounded their savior chirping "Yay! Gilbert! You saved us! You saved us!" and Gilbird flew out, attacking his owner's hair.
"Gilbert!" he cried in joy. "You did it, you awesome son of a —"
"Language, Gilbird." Gilbert said jovially. "There may be preteen followers reading this. We don't need to add to all the cursing on this website."
Gilbird cocked his fuzzy head. "What chu talkin' 'bout, Gilbert?"
"I. . ." Gilbert seemed nonplussed. "I don't know what came over me. . ." He spotted the place where Roderich fell and where his body would be was a small pile of change. He stepped over and crouched down. "Oh, cool! Coins!"
"What do we do now, Lord of Awesome?" A little blue parakeet at Gilbird's left remarked.
"Well, my awesome little buddy," Gilbert grinned. "I need to go to an ordinary-looking office, where Roma said the 'nations of the world meet', whatever that means."
Another fatter green bird said "Psshhh, don't worry 'bout it! We know exactly what that is! We totally know where it's at, too!"
"Whoa, really?" Gilbert laughed. What convenience! Gilbert loooved convenience! Doing things is lame.
"We sure do! Hop on!"
"Hop on what?" the Prussian asked, and turning around he saw all of the parakeets carrying a glorious throne which was now hovering a foot above the ground. "Oh wow, awesome! You positive you can hoist my awesomeness?"
"We can do it! Come on, Gilbert!"
"Well. . . okay!" Gilbert beamed and jumped onto the throne. "Onwards, awesome birds!" and the birds did.
The birds launched the velvet-seated golden chair sped forward and their tiny wings beat like hummingbirds'.
"Pretty awesome, eh Gilbert?" Gilbird commented.
"SO awesome!" The albino shouted. "It's like a whole new world!"
Soon enough, a normal-looking office building came into view and the birds placed Gilbert and his pet at the entryway. "Good luck, Gilbert! Good luck, Gilbird!"
Gilbert waved as they left, and Gilbird waved his feathery wing.
Once they were gone, Gilbert looked at Gilbird and declared "Gilbird let's go!" Gilbird nodded and the two took off inside the building.
They came upon the front desk and Gilbert slammed down both hands loudly. "Listen, lady! I need to get up in that— Ash is that you?"
Sure enough, His friend was dressed in a sleeveless — which showed his impressive muscles — light pink dress, a little pink hat perched on his dark hair, and too much makeup. Ash looked up with a little smirk.
"Hey Gilbert. You need to get yourself to the top floor, asap."
Gilbert was about to ask why his friend was in drag and apparently either didn't care or didn't notice. It could have been either one. Instead he just replied "Hey, thanks guy!"
As the Prussian raced toward the elevator he heard the call "Call me ya 'Momma'!"
Gilbert stepped in and clicked the button for the twentieth floor, flopping around his white hair. Gilbird flew around in front of him, saying "Okay, what do we need to do?"
"Apparently I need to take someone's pet, which is supposedly pretty evil."
"Alright, not too awfully obscure."
"We can totally do this." Gilbert said proudly.
The elevator doors opened, and a long hallway with a set of double-doors at the very end. He ran down the corridor and burst in the room, where he saw multiple people dressed in different suits or uniforms. He actually recognized several of the people, even though they looked significantly older and seemed to be wearing outfits very different than their normal garb. He looked around and saw many pets with their respective owners. The older Yao had a panda inside of his rucksack, but it couldn't be the panda because the thing never left Yao's side— who would know if it's evil? Heracles (who was currently asleep) was covered in sleeping kittens, but the itty bity tiny little baby cats were far from malicious. The ever-apathetic Emil was stroking his pet puffin's (creatively named Puffin) feathers, but that bird just stuck to his master. Lars, he who always had his pipe on hand, was feeding that little rabbit he never let anyone touch. Arthur was talking to his. . . er . . . . "magical friends". He didn't see anyone he really had an "evil" pet, though. . . So who—?
"Crikey, mate! Ya don't have to be like that!" A distinctly Australian accent exclaimed, and Gilbert turned about to see a guy with wild brown hair and a band-aid across his nose who was talking to someone (the "one" meaning their gender was indeterminable) with light, curly hair. "Alls I did was ask ya to watch my little buddy here!"
Gilbert then saw a little brown bear in his arms. . . No, wait. . . A koala! That's it! But holy crap that thing had quite the glare! Were its eyes red? And not ruby like his awesome ones, but more like they were glowing red like it was possessed or something. As if it could read his thoughts, the bear's head snapped over to stare at him with an icy stare that could easily liquify his kidneys.
The Prussian shivered. No wonder Roma warned me about the creepy little thing! He hesitantly stepped over — its ferocious lower made him rethink this whole "quest" — and commented "I couldn't help but overhear that you need a koala-sitter!"
The Aussie turned about with a bright smile. "You'd look afta my little fella here?"
Gilbert waved a hand nonchalantly, sweating slightly under the animal's murderous look. "Of course!"
He lifted the koala higher into his arms, still smiling happily. "Just be careful, he's a vicious li'l thing! He wrestled mah croc to the ground, he did!" The brunet was, apparently, oblivious to the albino's inner flip-out.
"No big deal for someone as awesome as me!" Oh Gott! Oh Gott! It's going to murder me with a spork and throw my body in the ocean!
"Well alrighty then!" He cheerfully agreed, handing the tiny, fuzzy ball of hate over to the albino.
Wincing minutely as the koala was plotting his painful demise, Gilbert took a random chance and scratched him lightly behind his left ear. Instantly, the Australian creature melted in his arms and cuddled up to his chest. As the Prussian gaped in confusion, the Aussie had a pleasantly baffled expression on his face. "Whoa! How'd ya do that, kid?"
Gilbert smirked. "I'm just awesome!" He looked at the brunet. "I'll see ya later!"
He smiled joyfully. "See ya!"
As Gilbert walked away, koala in hand, he thought This is just too easy. . .
To Be Continued. . . .
Is everyone thinking What the maple just happened?
Yeah, well, I've just been dying to do something like that. April Fool's~! (In case you don't know, April Fool's is just a holiday to play pranks on people.)
If you like it, I may insert a second and third part later.
Translations (Italian):
Buona sera — Good evening
Il mio nome è Roma — My name is Roma
Cioccolato al Latte — Chocolate milk
Translations: (German)
Trottel — Jerk
kleine Vogel — little bird
dummkopf —idiot
mein Klinge — my sword
If you count, there are several book/movie/etc. references this chapter. Anyone who can list all of them gets an awesome~ hug from Prussia!
Also, Gilbert has a point. Doing things is very, very lame.
Hey, fun fact: I was originally going to write a RusCan fic (whilst I was going through my RusCan phase) and Gilbert was the bad guy. . . But I love him too much to make him the antogonist of anything. Except he hurts his own cause a lot, but we're overlooking that!
So baby turn it up~
Cause the speakers gotta boom~
And yeah, I like it rough~
Til' the walls are coming through~
I like reviews~
I like reviews~
I like reviews~
I like reviews~
'till next time, children!
~Ginge