"Yar!…" growled Eggman. "I can never get past this level!"
He was playing Sonic Adventure 2.
"No, don't do that!" Bob commented.
"Shadow can make the jump!" said Eggman.
...But Shadow didn't make the jump.
"If you weren't trying to find shortcuts, you wouldn't have died," said Bob.
"If only I could control Sonic," said Eggman. "Then I would recklessly control him and bring him to his bottomless doom."
"I'm not sure if we have bottomless pits in real life though..." said Bob. "You probably could make him fall into the Grand Canyon though. That'd kill him."
"No! I want him to die in a bottomless pit!"
"Anywho, I think the pizza should be here any minute."
-Knock Knock-
"I'll get it," said Bob. He opened up the door to find a blue surprise.
"Speedy Pizza Delivery," said Sonic, who was holding a pizza box. "Your total is.."
"Eggman!!" yelled Bob. "Sonic is at the door with our pizza."
Eggman threw down his controller and ran to the door.
"Sonic, this just seems ill-fitting for a hero such as yourself." Eggman smiled in amusement.
"At least I have a real job," said Sonic.
"Taking over the world is a real job!" shouted Eggman.
"It's just you receive no source of income from your profession."
"Grr!!"
Bob nudged Eggman. "Control, remember?"
"Oh, right." Eggman forced a smile. "Sonic, would you like come in for some tea?"
"Sure, if I was stupid," said Sonic.
"Er...um..." said Eggman. "AMY ROSE IS APPROACHING!!"
Sonic panicked, turned around, and held up his restraining order.
-Bob tasered Sonic in the crouch-
--
Sonic awoke in the middle of the floor of Eggman's base, lying on his back. He heard familiar voices talking.
"And so I was diagnosed with high-cholesterol," said Eggman. "Can you believe that!?"
"You know that old saying," said Bob. "'An egg for each meal, stop eating so many eggs!'"
"That's not even a catchy saying, and if it's not catchy, why should I listen to it?"
-Sonic blinked-
"Sonic's awake, sir."
"Quick," said Eggman, "start laughing manically arrogant!"
"Hahaha," Eggman laughed and looked at Sonic. "You are under my control, Sonic!"
Sonic struggled to move but could not move his body. "Didn't you try this scenario in the Archie comics?" said Sonic.
"Didn't you try this scenario in the Archie comics?" Eggman mocked. "I'm going to use you to destroy your friends!"
"Archie! Archie!" said Sonic.
Eggman gritted his teeth. "THEN, I'm going to make you jump to your doom in the Grand Canyon! That wasn't in the Archie comics, now was it?"
"Is this whole thing out of envy because I have a job and you don't?"
"I keep telling you, taking over the world is a real job! I even have an assistant," Eggman pointed to Bob.
"I get free room and board here," said Bob. "Financially speaking, who wouldn't want to be an assistant under such a bargain?"
"See," said Eggman. "My employee sees this at a professional standpoint, why can't you?"
Sonic yawned and started falling asleep.
"Hey, I didn't order your body to get sleepy!" shouted Eggman.
"Then stop boring me to death," snorted Sonic.
"Fine, Sonic, I introduce you to my latest invention, the Egg Genesis!" Eggman waved around a game controller.
"That's just a Sega Genesis controller," said Sonic.
"The point is, I can control you with it, and it's wireless!" laughed Eggman. He pushed the control pad up and Sonic rose.
"What?" said Sonic, wondering what just happened.
"You see, Sonic, I've implanted a game console in your head. Now I can control you just like a video game character!"
Eggman pushed the control pad hard to the right which in turn made Sonic suddenly run to the right…right into a closed door. -Thunk-
"Ugh," said Sonic.
Eggman pushed the control pad slowly to the left and quickly pushed the control pad right again. Another thunk was heard as Sonic once again collided with the closed door.
"Ugh times 2," said Sonic.
"Lard butt," said Eggman. Eggman repeated the control pad procedure again. -Thunk-
"Ugh times 3," said Sonic.
"Egg brain," said Eggman. Repeat of procedure. -Thunk-
"Ugh times 4," said Sonic. Sonic laughed for some reason.
"Uglysauras," said Eggman, who now was more furious for some reason.
"What's with the names?" asked Bob.
Sonic laughed. "Those are all names I've called Scrambled Eggs over there. He's venting his frustration. Ha ha -Thunk- Ow."
"Scrambled Eggs," said Eggman. -Thunk-
3 Hours Later.
"Belly of the beast," said Eggman. -Thunk-
"Uh tims tee hudred fur," said Sonic, who now lacked teeth.
"Eggman," said Bob, "shouldn't you be getting back to the original plan? You can't have Sonic destroy his friends and run off a cliff if he's dead."
"Maybe you're right, Bob," said Eggman. "I'll just get some last ones in. Oh, and go get my camera." -Thunk- -Thunk- -Thunk-
--
"Knuckles!" screamed Tails. "Sonic was kidnapped by Eggman!"
"Tails!" screamed Knuckles. "What does that have to do with the Master Emerald!"
--
Eggman waved. "Off you go into the world, Sonic." Eggman pushed the control stick right and Sonic forcibly ran right, right out of the now opened door.
"I've put a monitoring and communication device on Sonic," said Bob. "We can see everything he sees and even communicate with him via a speaker embedded on his fur."
"Excellent!" said Eggman. "Now let's.."
Bob started to chuckle.
"What is it?" said Eggman.
"It's nothing," said Bob. "Hehehe!"
"What is so funny!"
"It's just some of those names… Sir Fattington of Eggs-a-lot. Hahaha!!"
"It's really not funny. What if I called you 'Tob,' huh? That wouldn't be funny, would it.."
"Hahaha!" Bob continued to laugh.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!"
--
"Hi, Shadow," said Sonic. "Eggman is controlling me now, so you might be attacked by me."
"No fraternizing with the enemy!" Eggman yelled through the communication device.
Shadow loaded his gun. "Do you want me to put you out of your misery, Sonic?"
"Nah," said Sonic. "It's not like Eggman is competent enough to actually kill me."
"Hey!" said Eggman.
"Let me rephrase what I just said," said Shadow. "I'm going to kill you to put you out of my misery."
"What!" said Sonic. "How am I making you miserable?"
"Where's Shadow the Hedgehog 2?" shouted Shadow. "Who knows if it will ever come out, because you keep hogging the spotlight!"
Shadow shot at Sonic. Sonic jumped.
--
"It looks like the A button makes Sonic jump," said Eggman, while fiddling with the Egg Genesis. "Let's see what happens when I push the B button…"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!" yelled an enraged Omochao.
"Er...I'm just trying to figure out the controls through experimentation," responded Eggman.
"So, you think you can do this without me, huh? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK!?" Omochao started foaming at the mouth.
"Heavens no," said Eggman. "I really need you here to help me learn the commands of a 3-button controller." Eggman secretly signaled for Bob to call the police.
--
"Just a jump?" said Shadow. "Not even a homing attack? Your moves are getting stale, Sonic." Shadow pointed his gun to Sonic's forehead.
Sonic again struggled to move but could not. "Wait! If you kill me, who will save the innocent people of the world? Children will die at the hands of evil!"
Shadow's mouth was watering. "Thanks for the nice imagery. Your moment of death will be so much more satisfying now that I know what will follow." Shadow pushed the trigger. Sonic unexpectedly jumped again.
"No, Shadow, you're going to die," Eggman said through the communication device. "Then Sonic will jump off the Grand Canyon."
Eggman pushed B and the control pad right on the genesis controller in an effort to attack Shadow. Sonic jumped towards Shadow. Shadow simply stepped 45 degrees to the side.
"Gah!" said Eggman. He pushed C on the controller and the control pad left. Sonic jumped to the left but came nowhere close to hitting Shadow, since Shadow had moved 45 degrees to the side which was not attainable by moving left or right in Sonic's current position.
Eggman pushed the control pad up and Sonic looked up. Eggman pushed the control pad down and Sonic crouched down.
"What's wrong with you!" screamed Eggman. "Can't you move anywhere other than the 2D plane?! And where's your homing attack? And that tornado thing you can do! Are you broken?"
"I didn't learn any of those moves until after my Genesis years," said Sonic. "Maybe you should have based your invention off a more up-to-date controller like the Dreamcast controller." Sonic rolled his eyes.
Eggman grumbled. "There's no way you can beat Shadow or any of the rest of your cuddly associates in this condition. I'll just advance to the Grand Canyon segment of the plan." Eggman held the control pad right and Sonic started moving to the right.
-shoot- A bullet almost hit Sonic's foot. Eggman let go of the control pad.
"Like I'd just let you guys leave," said Shadow. "I'm killing Sonic now."
"No!" said Eggman. "Sonic is going to die at the depths of the Grand Canyon!"
"Does it really matter?" said Bob. "Just let Sonic get killed by Shadow, and we can get on to taking over the world."
"But the principle of it all," said Eggman. "Think of how much more satisfying it will be when Sonic dives into the Grand Canyon, then the Game Over screen comes up. Sonic will have the most embarrassing death in history!"
"Get real!" said Bob. "This is a real, fictional world, not a fictional, fictional game. That kind of stuff like game overs doesn't happen when we die. Only in Sonic games."
"You're right," said Eggman. "He deserves to die in an Ultra Canyon! Get the growth ray ready. We're going to size up the Grand Canyon!"
"I just.." Bob was confused but remembered this was a common feeling while working under Eggman. Bob went to retrieve the growth ray.
--
"Cough," said Shadow. "Okay, I'm going to do some killing now." Shadow had a knife and was approaching Sonic.
Eggman quickly moved Sonic to the left. Unfortunately, Shadow also had the power to go to the left, so Shadow moved left closer to Sonic.
Eggman was hungry, so he left the controller to go get some snacks. This left Sonic defenseless.
"Good," said Shadow, looking at Sonic's motionless body. "I think I'll go in for the kill now."
Shadow swung the knife…but Shadow's hand was grabbed by Tails!
Tails was severely cut. Never grab a stabby person's hand.
"I came to save you, Sonic," Tails said, sucking his hand.
"-munch- -munch- -chew- Testing 1, 2, 3!" said Eggman. "Sonic, I've decided to just forget about all of this 'kill your friends' trouble and just lead you to the Grand Canyon, which I have just enlarged to increase your shameful fall."
Eggman pushed the control pad to the left and Sonic ran left. Shadow tried to chase after Sonic but tripped over Tails.
"Yay, I did something useful!" said Tails.
--
Sonic traveled left for one hour and finally reached…Shadow?
"Curse Sonic's two-dimensional movements," muttered Eggman.
"It looks like we'll have to move Sonic on a 2D plane aligned with the Grand Canyon," said Bob.
--
"Well, Tails," said Shadow. "The mindless killing started when I was little. I don't know what could have caused it…"
"Could I have one of my tails back?" asked Tails.
"This is a horrible sight," said Sonic.
-Bob arrived and lifted up Sonic to put him into the back of a rusty, old van-
"I don't like where this is going…" said Sonic.
"I'm just going to move you so your directional movements are align with the Grand Canyon," said Bob.
"Just keep your hands where I can see them," replied Sonic.
--
"Okay, sir," said Bob. "Sonic is in alignment with the Grand Canyon. Just direct him to it anytime now."
"Finally!" said Eggman. Eggman pushed the control pad to the right.
--
Sonic was 10 feet away from the Grand Canyon.
"I've lived a good life," said Sonic. "My only regret is that I've never gotten to tell Amy that I hate her."
-Sonic slowly walked to the edge of the pit-
"This is it!" screamed Eggman, holding the control pad right as hard as possible. Sonic charged forward.
Sonic abruptly ceased to move then turned back.
"WHAT!?" said Eggman.
"I think the battery in your wireless controller ran out," said Bob.
"...Whatever," said Eggman. "Let's go play Mario Tennis."
-Knock Knock-
"Someone's at the door," said Bob.
"What are you waiting for?!" screamed Eggman. "Go open the door!"
"But chances are it's Sonic...out for revenge."
"We just won't open the door for a week or two. Problem solved."
A/N: The credit for the Egg Genesis and this plot goes to "Thursday 12th."