Note: Please see Prologue for warning, copyright and disclaimer information.

Wanting

One afternoon brought up the subject of Mac joining our hunts. Glenn and I were in a fenced in area at the back of my apartment building that I'd pretty much taken over and planted with flowers.

I didn't like Glenn's suggestion that we ask him to join us. "No, I don't want him involved," I said firmly, digging in the dirt at the bottom of the privacy fence that surrounded the little plot.

"He knows something is going on," Glenn protested from a few feet away. He was leaning against the building watching me dig. "Do you think you can keep this from him?"

"Why not?" I asked harshly, rising to my feet aggressively. "How many people have you told about this?"

"I'm not dating any of them," he replied patiently, his arms crossed as if he thought I should be reasonable about this.

Of course I had no intention of being reasonable. Something inside of me died every time I thought of Mac being hurt. "I'm not dating Mac either," I reminded him, not that Mac hadn't been trying. So far I'd been able to turn him down every time he'd asked me out, but I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out. I thought a lot about leaving town, but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. "I don't want to see him hurt. We don't need him."

"We need everyone we can get our hands on," he told me firmly, frowning. "Or do you forget exactly what we're fighting?"

"I know better than you do what we're fighting," I replied coolly. I walked away from him a little, thinking of Kate and all of the other vamps I'd seen since I'd run away from home. I turned back to face him. "Or do you forget?"

Glenn's face softened and he walked closer to me. "I know you had a hard time of it, Eliza," he said kindly. "But I would think that would make you more eager to kill them all."

He had no idea what I've been through. If he did, somehow I doubted he'd like me as much as he did. Glenn was all about control; he had no idea what it was like in the darkness I spent my life in. In my world there was just pain and hate and nothing I did ever seemed to mean anything.

"I am not eager to get Mac killed," I said. God, even the thought of him dying made me feel queasy. "This is just too dangerous. For real now, how long do you think we're going to survive this, Glenn? These things don't just give up and they don't go away. If you could just wish them dead it would make killing vamps so much easier."

"Maybe someday I'll figure out that trick," Glenn said seriously. "In the mean time we need all the help we can get."

"Not Mac," I repeated furiously.

"Are you fucking him? Is he too good in bed for you to give up?" he asked harshly, frustration plain on his face.

Before I could even think about it, I backhanded him across that face and he fell back against the table. "You think I have to fuck him to care about him?" I demanded, pissed and quite prepared to hit him again.

He lifted his hands palm out to try and calm me down. "Hey, I take it back," he said quickly, almost laughing. He wiped a hand across his mouth and it came away with blood on his fingers. He looked up at me sternly. "Fuck him or kill something, Eliza. You need to get rid of that frustration somewhere."

I lost my hold on my anger; Glenn knew that the easiest way to calm me down without using magic was to go all hard on me. He also knew that I'd be pissed if he tried to use magic on me. I turned away and let the tears fall down my face. When I hugged myself to try and hold it in Glenn was there to comfort me.

"I won't tell him," he whispered softly in my ear. "But you have to know that if he comes to me and wants to join, I can't turn him away."

"I know," I told him. "It's too much to hope he'll never find out when everyone else at the chantry is involved. I just don't want to see him hurt." I hadn't realized until that moment just how much I wanted to keep him safe.

"You finally fell," he murmured. He didn't have to find it that amusing. "I knew something was up when you wouldn't even have coffee with him. I have to say I'm impressed. I thought you were invincible when it came to love, it's good to see that Mac got past that."

That would remain to be seen, wouldn't it? I already knew how dangerous it was for me to care about people. After Eddie disappeared, I'd never allowed myself to care that much for anyone ever again. Never that is, until I'd looked across the Memphis and seen Mac sitting there.

"You don't have to sound so thrilled," I told him irritably. I pulled away and wiped the tears from my face. "It's not like we're getting married or anything like that."

"Why not?" he asked softly. "Would that be so bad?"

I shot him a look that must have showed him how much I really wanted a life with Mac. "I know better," I replied. "I've tried the normal life thing, it doesn't work for me."

"It doesn't work or you won't let it work?" he demanded.

Shaking my head I went back to digging in the dirt. I wasn't about to admit that he might have a point, not even to myself.