Chapter 11: Zugzwang

Alfred couldn't get any sleep that night.

His thoughts kept coming back to those moments with Arthur. The way he blushed after his confession, the way he stuttered so much that everything Arthur tried to say was inaudible, and his wonderful eyes.

Arthur visiting was unexpected so it was safe to assume that Matthew called him. Sure, he wasn't that eager to adapt to a new set of choices but what can he do? Ever since that accident, he keeps finding himself a whole load of free time and finally decided that his life is too short for denial.

He remembered how warm Arthur's hand was, how kind he was in tutoring him French and just how different he is. He began listing down why his past relationships wouldn't work out to the end. He keeps losing interest on every one of them but with Arthur, it was different. Every little reaction from the Brit amuses him and he keeps finding himself craving for Arthur.

But is this alright? Should he just throw away his masculinity? Is it right for him to love another man? He used to think it was disgusting, to fall in love with the same sex, but what is he doing now?

"Alfred?"

"Feli! And…" Alfred started shrink into his blankets, "Lovino…"

"It's not like I'm going to kill you, bastard," Lovino angrily said.

"Sure. Whatever you say," Alfred replied.

"So how are you Alfred?" Feliciano sat on Alfred's bed.

"Fine, I guess. I'll be out after a week and have to come back for therapy," Alfred grimaced as he said this.

"Sorry, Alfred," Feliciano said, "Have they found the drunk who hit you?"

"Yeah but we aren't pressing charges," Alfred said.

"Are you an idiot?! Why won't you!?" Lovino angrily said.

"It's just, it wasn't his fault I got hit. I fell and it was my mistake. He's going to prison but it was because of drunk driving so either way,"

"If he wasn't drunk, you wouldn't have been injured, idiot," Lovino said.

"Besides, we don't have the money nor time for that. Matthew and I agreed to keep this away from dad," Alfred said.

The twins fall silent for a moment until Feliciano broke the ice.

"Hey, school starts in a week right? Surely you can't come but if you need help with catching up, you can count on us~" Feliciano said.

"What do you mean us?!" Lovino retorted but the thought of hitting his twin with his elbow was a much more discreet way of making his brother agree.

"Thanks man but I'm going to force Arthur to give me tutoring lessons. He is my seat mate after all, it's his responsibility to," Alfred said.

"Oh, umm… We've got to go. We just dropped by after visiting our father after all and Lovino's crankiness might disturb you,"

"Sure. Thanks again for visiting,"

"Bye," Feliciano said as he opened the door and left.

Now this wasn't going to be good. Alfred is left alone with his thoughts again and as much as he wants to think about Arthur, he doesn't want to think about the guilt of falling for another man. He was taught from the very start that boys are meant to be with girls and breaking that is a sin. That confuses him though. He thought loving someone is good so what difference does it make if someone loves another of the same-sex? Does that mean love can also be a sin?

Nope, not good at all. All this thinking can never be good for Alfred.

He tried not to think too much about it but if he does, those thoughts would come in. He swore on his life that whatever happened to him was no accident at all. He would bet his second life right then and there that he didn't just magically fall down and let himself be almost flattened by that car. Oh no, it was not a mistake.

Someone pushed him.

xXxX

Arthur couldn't sleep.

His mind was racing with the day's events. What could Alfred be even thinking about? He was sure that the no one except Dylan could ever know about his hidden self. Does Alfred know? Is that why he said those words? Arthur was shaking, he is in love with the thought of dating Alfred but is too afraid of the truth behind Alfred's sudden actions.

Maybe he should think this over, must not jump to conclusions. Alfred must have hit his head too hard or something. There has to be an explanation and as ridiculous as it seems, Arthur was missing one possibility or more like reality. Alfred is in love with him.

"No way in hell will that bloody bastard fall for me! I'm very sure that he is straight, especially with all those girls he played with in the past," Arthur told himself, "He's got to be hiding something or maybe he thinks he's getting benefit over this but the problem is, what benefit could he possibly get from dating me?"

There was a knock on the door.

"Arthur! I had a bad dream. All of their doors are all locked and they don't answer me,"

It was just Peter. Thank god, a distraction for Arthur.

"Door's not locked. Just come in," Arthur called out and then, the door clicked.

As the door swung open, Arthur could almost feel sorry for his little brother. He was pale and his eyes were really redfrom crying.

"Come here, sport," Arthur said as he scooted to give Peter some room on his bed.

Peter laid down beside Arthur and held his blanket tightly.

"Care to tell me this bad dream? Talking might help," Arthur suggested.

Peter sniffed.

"Dylan was holding my hand and we were on a boat. Then he pointed to the water and told me to look then he suddenly pushed me then I was drowning and Dylan was with Uncle Francis then," Peter cried.

"Sssh, come on now. Think about it, Dylan would never do that. You know he loves you so much and I have to admit he is the nicest among us siblings," Arthur soothed Peter by gently patting his head, "Now, go back to sleep. I suppose you're still tired,"

Peter nodded and closed his eyes. After a few minutes of sniffs and sobs, he finally fell asleep. Leaving, Arthur more room to think.

Arthur just can't believe what Alfred said. It felt as though he is being played with, like his feelings were being tested if they were real or not. Every single time he looks back to that moment, he can feel his chest getting tighter and tighter like it wanted to suffocate him in a way. His heart would feel like it was being slowly stabbed as he tried to breathe.

He needs to forget. Actually, he WANTS to forget but what can he do? He just doesn't know how this chapter could end well for him. He wanted to be happy about it but how could he? He felt his heart beat going fast and his eyes welling up. There is just no way Alfred could love him. There was just no way it was love.

There is one possibility he refused to believe though. Just one very important detail that he keeps forgetting to take heed on. Maybe, just maybe…

Arthur was scared.

XxXx

3 weeks after his confession, Alfred finally gets to go to school. Not that he was psyched about it or anything, it's just he was tired of waiting around in a bed doing nothing but the homework Matthew would bring him. Arthur has never visited him after the first one. Which shows to prove why he was anxious to get to school.

"Al, you ready?" Matthew called.

"Yeah, just let me get my backpack," Alfred replied.

As soon as they got out of the house and began walking down the road, Alfred noticed how Matthew kept giving him concerned glances.

"Mattie, I'm fine. Even the doctor said so, right? I won't be doing anything too stupid," Alfred said.

"Oh, it's not that. It's just…"

"Just what?" Alfred raised a brow.

"Nothing. Let's just hurry. We're going to be late,"

Alfred shrugged his shoulders. What Matthew didn't say might have saved him from the biggest shock of his life.

XxXx

"WHAT?! THE SEAT PLAN CHANGED?!" Alfred shouted.

"What did you expect?! It's a new term!" Matthew stressed, "And keep your fucking voice down!"

"Alfred! You're here!" one of his classmates greeted him.

"Oh, hey Johnny. Tell me, where does Arthur sit now?" Alfred asked.

"Last row, last column near the window. Nobody sits beside him though. No one wants to," Johnny said.

"Then let me sit beside him!" Alfred said.

"Stop it. Don't even try exchanging seat. You, of all people, should know that," Johnny warned.

"Psh. The new dude beside Arthur, where does he sit?"

Johnny shook his head and that made Alfred so furious. How could they?! Why does this keep happening?! His situation and Arthur has no connection at all. Sure, he used to believe in shit like those but now that he thinks about it, it's clearly illogical to him.

Just on cue, Arthur entered the room.

"ARTIIIEEEE!" Alfred shouted as he flailed his arms around.

"Alfred, get off me," Arthur said in a ticked off voice.

"Hey, don't be so mean. How come you didn't visit after that day?" Alfred pouted.

"Stop that Alfred. I don't want to talk," Arthur said as he briskly walked to his desk and sat down.

As if someone had planned every event, the bell rang. What perfect timing for Alfred.

Students piled up the room and began sitting down. Others did take note of Alfred's arrival but others seemed to not care at all. The latter ones were whom Alfred preferred at the moment. In just a small amount of time, Gilbert walked in the room.

"Look who we have here! Alfred, you little brat, welcome back to school," Mr Beilschmidt said as he came in.

Alfred sighed.

"Glad to be back,"

"Did you have an overdose of those painkillers or something? Stop sulking!" Gilbert said.

Class then proceeded normally but for Alfred's case, he rather found it slower than the norm.

Alfred just couldn't shake the look Arthur's face. He doesn't know how to describe it. It was as if he was hit by the goddamn car all over again. Repeatedly at that, it crushed him over and over until there was nothing left of him. It was all a big pain in the ass.

If only he could figure out what he did wrong, maybe that could revive him.

XxXx

The whole day, Arthur avoided Alfred. He doesn't know why but he just didn't want to see him. It hurts seeing Alfred's face. All those pent up emotions, just how could he deal with all of this?

He truly believes that Alfred is playing with him. How can someone like Alfred fall for a GUY like Arthur? That just goes against Arthur's belief about love.

As Arthur started to walk him from school, he felt a hand around his wrist and found himself being pulled away.

"LET GO OF ME!"

Arthur tried his best to resist but found himself being pinned on the wall.

"Let's get this shit done now, Art,"

It was no one else but Alfred.

"BULLOCKS, ALFRED! DID YOU SUDDENLY DECIDE IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!" Arthur screamed at Alfred.

"Sssh. Not too noisy,"

"We're in an alleyway. NO ONE passes by here," Arthur pointed out.

"Just hear me out, okay?" Alfred said as he tighten his grip around Arthur's wrists, "Why have you been avoiding me? Not visiting is one thing but you are purposefully avoiding me and that hurts me a lot,"

Arthur clenched his fists.

"Just who do you think you are? Just because YOU THINK you like me, doesn't mean you get to act like we have something going on!" Arthur sternly said.

"Wha-? I didn't mean to do it like that but…"

"Let go of me, Alfred. This isn't goddamn funny. I don't know how you found out I was gay-"

"You're gay, too?!" Alfred loosened his grip around Arthur's wrist.

"What do you mean 'too'? I have been, for years already and you just found out about a month ago!" Arthur pointed out.

"Huh? No, it's just…"

"Do you really think you love me? Ha! Don't get me started. Are you even sure you swing this way? Couldn't it be you're confused?" Arthur harshly said.

"Arthur, I'm sorry but I really do like you. We could happen you know. We can if we try,"

"Prove it," Arthur stared at Alfred's eyes intensely.

Alfred released Arthur's wrists and places his hands on Arthur's shoulders. With his clear, blue eyes staring down at Arthur, the American slowly closed the gap between them until there was none more.

Arthur was surprised. He pushed Alfred away as he wiped his lips and breathed heavily. He slapped the Alfred so hard Arthur could feel the sting on his palm.

"Do it," Arthur said with his back turned, "You can play with my feelings, and you can break me apart then tear me to pieces! I won't give a single shit because this means I'll be ready for the next boy to come. And you know what? He won't have anything left to break,"

Arthur made a run for it.

He stopped at the park where they first actually made a decent conversation. He remembered how warm it felt, even though the cold has given him all the reason to shiver.

That day felt like it happened years ago. Where have those days gone?

"It's okay," Arthur told himself, "It's okay,"

He truly believed that it's okay that Alfred did that to him. Alfred could keep hurting him all he wants and he just has to take it. Arthur sat on the grass and felt his sweat (and tears) roll down his face.

What is he supposed to do now?

XxXx

Alfred didn't want to go home that night. He carelessly strolled around the streets hoping to get rid of all the confusion in his head. His heart ached and his stomach made him feel sick, like he was about to throw up. He just wants to crawl up into a ball and hide inside a closet.

He had never expected Arthur to react this way, he thought Arthur was somehow near. He might have been too conceited to think Arthur would madly fall in love with him if he just confessed right away. He messed up big time.

"Alfred?"

"Ha? Wha-? Kiku?!" Alfred surprisingly said.

"What are you doing out here?! You're not fully recovered yet you dared to go out here alone and at night?!" Kiku said exasperated.

Kiku took Alfred's hand, "Your hands are so cold! Just look at you, pale as a ghost!"

Alfred just nodded all the way through Kiku's nagging.

"Here, take my scarf. Now give me your hand. Those cold hands won't do you any good," Kiku said and started pulling Alfred to his house.

After a few more nagging from Kiku, they had finally reached the Japanese's home.

"Sorry about this, Kiku. I hope you're siblings don't mind," Alfred finally said.

"They won't mind. I'm kind of sure they aren't even home now," Kiku said as he pulls Alfred into his room, "Now sit and talk to me. What is wrong with you, Alfred?"

At first, Alfred doubted if he should tell this to Kiku. It was a very sensitive topic to him and he wants Matt to hear about it first but then again, he could help himself but tell Kiku.

"Well, since it's you-"Alfred explained everything to Kiku, not holding anything back.

"Okay, I think you need something soothing. You're shaking so much," Kiku said as he stood up, "Hot tea will suffice. I'll be right back."

As Kiku left, Alfred took this time to breathe.

Breathe.

He forgot about that. He realized how he forgot to breathe in between all of this. Nothing else seemed important.

"I meant to ask about your cheek. I don't think I need to ask," Kiku said as he set the tea down.

Unconsciously, Alfred touched the cheek where Arthur slapped him. He shrugged and ran his hand through his hair.

"You know what, how about you sleep here tonight," Kiku suggested.

"Thanks but no. I don't want to leave Mattie home alone. He's been acting weird lately," Alfred replied.

"Now that you mention it, he's been very jumpy these days and really unsociable. Problems at home, perhaps?"

"Maybe, that might be it. Dad's been away, mom's gone forever and he has a messed up brother like me. Now, who won't go mad with that situation?" Alfred sarcastically said.

"No, don't take it that way. I know you two could make it, it just takes time. There is always a right time and place for everything," Kiku soothingly said.

"I hope," Alfred stood up, "Sorry for the trouble. I need to get going now,"

Kiku sighed.

"I'll walk you home,"

"No. There's no one here at the moment and who knows what might happen when you're gone. I'll take my leave. Thank you," Alfred said as he started walking away.

XxXx

Arthur took a walk around the neighborhood at 7 in the evening of a school day. He just can't bring himself to go home and it's all that blondie's fault. Well, he's a blond too but that doesn't matter now. What matters is how to get over this hurdle.

He can't face his brothers with the face he has now, they would be too nosy and start asking unnecessary questions. Those overprotective brothers of his do have downsides after all.

Well, like any shitty day, Arthur found himself staring at the devil with Kiku.

"Now would you look at that," Arthur said, "I was a twit for wanting to believe in everything he said,"

Arthur shook his head. Seeing Kiku pull away Alfred made him realize that he and Alfred will definitely not work. He can't put it into words but there was nothing he could do. Kiku should just sweep Alfred off of his feet and live happily with him.

Arthur was a complete idiot in every aspect possible.

Zugzwang;

(n.); a situation where every possible move or decision is a bad one; a decision that will result in damage or loss.

So I'm unexpectedly back. Our PC broke so my files went to cyberheaven and I had a hard time writing.

A graduating student's life is not that easy anymore omg. I was planning to abandon my FF account and every story in it but then I saw that people still supported me during my uncalled for hiatus. Idk if this makes it up for all the months but I'll try my best to not abandon this.

Thank you so much for the support, I hope you would continue until the end of this story. Be prepared, plot twists are about to happen pretty soon~

Lots of love,

~Rin-chan