Ch.11
Homage to Dr. Insano
*PANTSMAN'S POV*
The doctor let out another shrill explosion of laughter as I continued to lie of the ground, completely unable to move my paralyzed legs. A million questions swam through my mind like fish as I tried to comprehend what exactly the doctor was doing here. Was he responsible for Ternaldo's erratic behavior? To answer my own question, of course he was; why else would he be here? To rape me?
"Well, I suppose you're wondering just what in the hell the doctor who treated your little gray friend is doing here, right? By the way, how is he?" the doctor said. I took my time thinking, not sure if I should say anything. The doctor merely shrugged and pulled a little capsule from a pocket in his coat. Or actually, it wasn't a capsule; it was a small penlight. He pressed a miniscule button on it and a small laser shot out of it. The laser hit my bathroom door, leaving a hole about the size of a quarter in its wake. "I believe I asked you a question," he said sweetly calmly. "Now if you don't answer, just try to imagine what this laser can do for your forehead and brain if it left that much of a hole in your door…" Intimidating, much? Fuck yes. I finally spat out, "Okay, what are you doing here? And yes, my friend Leo is doing just fine."
"Ah, glad to hear Leo is doing fine. I must say, he has probably been my most favorite patient, simply because it seems he does have 9-lives. Like a miracle cat, really…" The doctor began to walk away a bit, just lightly strolling along my home, like HE owned the place. "How do you figure?" I asked. Nothing good would come from the situation if I panicked and let out my scarred emotions, so, like a true superhero, I braced myself for the conversation. "Oh, well, nothing, really. You wouldn't understand anyway, plus the plot device would directly be cheating off of someone else, so you might as well ignore my previous statement, as in this world, it is rendered obsolete and redundant." The doctor snapped his head toward one corner of the room, as if he were looking in a camera, or a live studio audience. I was dumbfounded, so I asked, "What the fuck are you talking about?" The doctor glanced at me, and said, "Perhaps a certain person from beyond will know what I'm talking about." Once again, he snapped his neck to face that one corner of my ceiling. Okay, this guy was officially nuts.
"Ah, how rude of me? I don't believe I ever introduced myself. My named is Doctor Crazo!" He pushed a button on the penlight that made a sound like thunder clapping, then he started laughing again. This guy was like a cross between the Joker and…uh, insert random trademarked evil doctor character here. I looked at him with amusement and said, "Doctor Crazo? You mean like 'Dr. Insano' from theSpoony Experiment? No originality whatsoever." He suddenly blushed and yelled, "Shut up! That character is trademarked and you know it!" He then walked over to me and kicked me in the stomach. Not very hard, though. His legs were meagerly muscled. I'm guessing he didn't get out often. Still, the impact made me utter a small "Oof!" sound.
"Bah!" he said. "I'm a completely legitimate evil-doer who's far superior to pathetic old Dr. Insano! And just like with all great evil-doers, I think I will tell the story of my life much in the same tradition as a James Bond villain." And so he did.
The story itself didn't last terribly long, but was damn boring. Supposedly, all Dr. Crazo ended up being was a split-personality of some cynical bitter bastard named Noah who wished to take over the world. This was probably the only self-aware split personality I've ever seen. I can imagine M. Bison shouting "Of course!" somewhere in the world. So it's really not important to know the back story of this guy, but just know that he's a crazy doctor. The cliché is immaculate.
"So, getting back to the original basis, you're probably wondering just what in the hell I'm doing here, and why you're retard friend here flipped out on you, right?" I was kind of dozing, so I didn't really hear him. "HEY!" he shouted. I snapped awake and said, "Yes, yes I do." Doctor Crazo went over to the small couch and pulled it along to sit right in front of me. "Well, as you may know, a select group of evil-doers such as me have lately not been taking lightly to your street justice, and let's face it; who can blame us? You literally just walk down the street and punch random people sometimes, hoping that we're bad guys." I nodded my head. Everything he was saying was completely accurate. "Well, I was one of those guys you punched. I met up with more people who have shared the same fate as I. The group of people was quite expansive. You even punched people from the Justice League, like Batman and Superman. They told me that you like to harass them, am I right?" He shuffled uncomfortably a little bit. "Before I go on, can you tell me why this couch sucks so hard? Ah well, I've been through worse; no worries…" I must admit, that couch was kind of rough. I would've been frightened over him trying to kill me, but his voice was so horribly cracked that it was a struggle not to burst out laughing. You think it's annoying and scary at first, and then it just becomes hilarious. You'd had to have heard his voice to really do your imagination justice, though. The only thing still worrisome was that laser, but he talked so much I wondered if he would ever use it again.
"The Justice League ordered the other fellas who had been punched to kindly get you to stop your vigilante work, without the need for violence or killing. Basically, the job was just to issue you a warning. I happily volunteered. Too bad they don't know that I'm evil. You see, the goggles are obviously an indication that I'm evil. Luckily, I'm just a split-personality, and my real form is just a typical guy. I first met everyone in my inconspicuous form, which is why they trust me. They told me to not kill you, but they didn't tell me what I couldn't do to you…" He giggled again. The fear was beginning to come back. "The whole controlling your best friend thing was just a ruse. A warning. I met up with him several hours ago, only a few buildings from your apartment complex, and told him that you wanted to play Magic the Gathering with you after he came back from the store-" I blurted out, "How did you know where I was and where I would be?" The doctor giggled again, this time much more quietly, almost like a demented chuckle. "I bugged the pants that you wear atop your head. I found out your laundry place from that red blob, I think his name was Krug, and placed a special stealth-camouflaged tracking device/microphone/camera/easy bake oven on it." He clapped. I could feel a slight rustling on my pants then a quick jolt on it. A tiny robot had jumped and landed in the doctor's hand. He closed his fist around it, and when it opened, the robot was gone. Now I was thoroughly scarred. Despite his voice and his hilariously short temper, when you came right down to it, he was the next big doctor villain. "I'm proud of that little bit of cutting edge technology, but what I'm especially proud of is that I took some $5 nano-machines that Roy Campbell sells and turned then into mind control devices. You wanna know how I do it?" I knew better than to not act like I did, so I said bleakly, "Sure…" He then rose up from the couch and said, "With science, of course!" He then sat back down.
"So anyway, I told Ternaldo what you doing and where you planned to be. I gave him the lone black ear-bud (not telling him of its radio capabilities), telling him it would announce the latest Yu-Gi-Oh set of cards if he wore it long enough. I didn't see him take it, but I felt a whoosh of air on my hand and the next thing I knew, he was wearing the ear-bud. I bid him cheerio and started walking in the other direction. I found an alleyway and sat there, reading the data from the tracking device to assess when I could tell your friend when you were back. When I saw you go up your apartment, I gave Ternaldo the signal. I eased my head out of the alleyway to see him approaching your building. When he entered the front door, I slowly followed in pursuit.
"You were busy working on new material for your web-comic before Ternaldo knocked on your door, correct?" I nodded curiously. "Well, just for the record, I'm a huge fan of your work." I forgot that he was evil for a second, and said brightly, "Oh, really? Well, I'm glad you like my stuff. What's your favorite comic?" He giggled a little more and said, "The one where Tifa is hosting an episode of 'Teh W0rd' and explaining why modern gamers are mindless, undedicated assholes." I laughed a little, because that one was also my favorite. Remembering the situation, I shook my head quickly and said, "Okay, that's all fine and dandy, but what does that have to do with anything." The doctor shrugged and said, "Well, nothing, really. Just try to make more. We've all been waiting forever for new stuff." I just nodded.
"Anyway, so I watched you guys play Magic the Gathering for a while. When you got up to go to the bathroom, I turned the ear-bud's actual function on. You probably heard the beeping." Again, I nodded. "So Ternaldo began to flip out. The device basically acts a sort of mild rabies needle. The effect, of course, is completely temporary. But the damage is not." He spread out his arms all over the apartment. I knew what he was talking about all right. "You ended up stopping his rampage. I must admit; you surprised me by having a tranquilizer gun. But…" He got up from the couch and walked over beside me to the gun that was just of the reach of my arm. "…Not anymore," he finished. He sat back down.
"So when you tried to remove the ear-bud to inspect it, I had it give you a slight shock. That shock was actually a nano-robot that came out of a hidden panel on the bed and leapt onto your finger, jumped onto your leg, and then issued you a concentrated amount of anesthetic to your legs. It was designed to only affect your legs, not to spread all over your body to knock you out. The robot has since returned to its former position. Your leg should stop feeling numb in about 4 more minutes, which is perfect timing because we are just about done here." He rose from the couch and moved it back to your position. He then walked back toward me. "I only have a few more things left to say."
"One, this has been an official warning from the Justice League and many other people whom you have callously punched with no regard for the consequences. If you continue to behave like a novice superhero, then Batman and Superman will come down and teach you the term respect."
"Two, maybe if you stopped drinking and cleaned up your act, then the creative flow of ideas for your comics would come back and you'd be able to make more of them frequently. Just an idea, but still, try to take it to heart."
"Three, when I treated your friend Leo, I did absolutely nothing to harm him in anyway. Even when I am the Crazo, the thought of harming an innocent person has never once crossed my mind. I may be evil, but at least I'm not a douche. Besides, Leo should be fine as long as no one hits him in the ribs. Speaking of Leo, you need to go talk to him about girl trouble, right? Well, I guess I'll leave to that then."
Crazo walked up to the door and left, just as the feeling returned to my legs.
Author's Note:
I know I should start adding commentaries to the older chapters, but I'm too lazy. This is the worst chapter, I know. But don't worry; it's short.