February 15th, 2010
It's been four days since I resolved not to write about my feelings about you at least until you sent me a message first. It's been three days since i realized I would break this resolution before a week had passed. I generally suck at keeping resolutions, especially ones that require a bit of control. It wasn't totally my fault.
Lauren was telling me a story about something or other, and I rmember she said that if you were [at the rehearsal dinner with us for my uncle's wedding on valentine's day], you'd most likely be in a corner playing guitar (don't take that the wrong way, you playing guitar is a mad sexy picture). This was in response to my sarcastic comment that I should serenade everyone on the little upright piano next to the snack table. That was how you first entered this conversation (I forgot to mention that I had already shown her the message my sister sent you under the same lie that I told you).
She told me how she always took her frustration out on some guy or another, which currently was Ben, but it had been you. She tole me she had been yelling at you (and that you're an awful person to get mad at because all you say is "I'm sorry" even if it's clearly not your fault) for completely ignoring her at Orcas and whatever. At this point, I apologized for being a bitch. I assume you didn't purposefully exclude her from our conversations, but I fully realized I was hogging your attention and making excuses for my behavior. In short, I knew I was being an absolute asshole and at least hoped you didn't mind. And whatever Lauren said next didn't really process except for the part where you said "sorry, it's not my fault that I had a crush on your cousin."
And my first reaction was ... why the hell would you tell her that? You'd tell me first, right? And THEN I freaked out (in my head, of course). YOU liked ME. You, wonderful, musical, witty, hilarious, talented, genuis, awesome guy liked me, awkward, acne-faced, spaztic, obnoxious, talkative, shy weirdo. Yeah, what? I had to reevaluate everything. I found even more questions that I'll never ever ask you. I don't know when you told Lauren that, but I know that you knew you liked me then. Did you decide that before, during, or after those magical three or four days on Orcas? Do you still? Is that why you're single? Were you smart and did you get over me a long time ago? And then did I screw it all up when I *finally* told you I liked you *back*? Do you feel as shitty as I do that we both liked each other and never mentioned it? Had you guessed that I liked you? Do you think that I know you (at least for awhile) like(d) me? Why didn't you tell me? Did you know it wouldn't work (therefore proving you actually have judgment in things like this, unlike me)? What's going to happen this year?
Like always, I have to try to make up the most probable explanations for everything since I won't (at least for six months) know any of the answers.
First conclusion: you probably don't realize how freakin awesome you are. I probably don't give myself quite enough credit, but then again, I've spent more than half a year realizing how vain and stupid it is to think I could have any boy I wanted hanging on strings like my own little puppet.
Second conclusion: You can't read my mind, or you have better judgement and control than even I can give you credit for. If you knew I liked you, then you would have told me something. Or we were both thinking the same thing (which, in my world, only proves how perfect we would be if we ever got around ths problem... all these problems).
But, rather than try to re-rework the past in my head right now, I'm thinking of that ________ day in July when I'll see you again. I'll be armed.
But... what would you do if we were alone for a moment and I threw my arms around your neck, stood on my toes to be at your eye level, and stared/gazed into your eyes? Or what if I just hugged you... a smidge too tightly and a moment too long? I'm thinking the second one's too subtle (meaning something I might actually do, like always choosing a seat next to you if it's not totally uncalled for).
What if we were sitting around the campfire and I a) put my hand over yours b) leaned my head over onto your shoulder c) moved my leg so it pressed against yours? Option B is the most risque considering you could just move otherwise, and apologize like you always do. I want to be forward. Too forward for you to ignore.
If we were hiking, what would you do if I grabbed your hand and held onto it? So I'm most likely not doing any of this, but it's intruiging.
Would you even still like me if I were this precocious? Is it completely against your "no contact" policy to have a romantically obsessed/hopeless girlfriend/fling/awkward-complicated-relationship/something/acquaintance.
What if someone dared me to tell my deepest, darkest secret? Could I ever show you this story? No. The answer is definitely no. I'd have to bribe someone else to do it for me (again) and wait in utter pain for you to say something. Six months is a long time. Potentially, something could happen between now and then that would transform all of thses words into meaningless scribbles and wasted time.
I hope you realize the reason I had to break my resolution. Notice how I'm not going to say this was a single exception and I'll get a fresh start tomorrow. I'm glad you like(d) me.