XI. All I want
I was sad, lonely, devastated. Ever since Temari died, I didn't know what to do with myself, I was empty, yet all my emotions were out in the open. And there he was, a light tenderly shining through the obstacles of my shattered soul. A light, that had touched me countless of times in the past two months. That much time had passed since then. Two months. During these eight weeks Naruto came to know me a lot better, and I, on the other hand, came to know him as well. I didn't want to admit it, but only thanks to his care, I didn't die too. We changed our roles, Naruto's nightmares slowly disappeared, as if he had them just when he didn't have anyone to take care of, but the moment I fell apart, his world had built up again. For me. On a contrary, my insomnia had worsen, and because of that, I started having dream paralysis. It was the worst thing my brain could have produced during my sleep. The worst thing my heart could have endured. The night demons who came to visit me almost daily, traveled to my sorrowful heart, and took a bite of that thumping flesh every once in a while. As if there was something left of me. No possibility of movement, no waking up, no shouting for help. Nothing. Nothing! I could not do anything, only my mind was running at full speed, frightened of the state that hid a piece from both. Reality and fantasy. But as I said, I didn't have these every day, because sometimes Naruto was there to catch me.
During these two months, I had realized that, without him, I would give up on everything a long time ago. I used to look back a lot on those days, remembering how we first met, how I couldn't stand him, and the old me would probably laugh at myself, if I told him that we would be this close in the future. I used to tell him a lot of bad things, I had done a lot of bad things to him, and yet it was him who stayed by my side the whole time, not caring about how fucked up I was. I used to lie a lot, and yet he saw through it all and gave me the most precious thing he had. His time and his care. But I was a bad liar. And in the end, I couldn't lie to anyone but myself. His presence was woven deep inside of my shattered soul, making the little pieces whole again. I had been losing this game of rejection for a long time, and I didn't even want to play anymore. All I wanted was... him.
The spring meddled in the air, with birds singing melodies of my difficult year, the sun beams were slowly getting warmer, trying to caress my inner pain, and my eyes were locked on him. It was afternoon like any other, except the thing that nothing was like any other afternoon. His bright smile had won the battle even with the sun itself, and it belong to me at that time. I was already so used to it that I didn't want to give up on that smile anymore. I wanted him to know that I was a bad liar and all I really wanted was having him in my life. But I couldn't speak my mind out, and the only thing that came to mind was to act. He had not touched me for the past two months in any way but friendly, yet he was a bad liar and I knew it was bubbling somewhere inside him. And so on that one afternoon when we were lying under the trees in a deserted orchard, I decided. He was lying on a picnic blanket, hands behind his head, his eyes closed, a gentle smile on his face that I loved so much. The perfect paradise hidden behind his eyelids, the mad irony of my past negotiations was reflected in his black lashes that were shaking like a lost child. In the end, it was me who was shaking with uncertainty.
"Naruto." My voice was soft, sounding almost like a broken whisper that didn't meant to be heard. "Mmm?" He mumbled and titled his head a little so he could look at me. The blue gate into the very depths of the ocean madness that occurred in his eyes attacked my senses, and froze me in place. Suddenly, I was left with a decision that made me almost nauseous. He patiently waited for me to speak, but I couldn't bring myself to do so, thus I sighed and turned my head away to the medley of blooming plants and trees that were surrounding us.
"Close your eyes, please." The mixture of uncertainty and politeness was very uncommon for me, and in spite of him knowing this fact, he slowly closed his eyes shut without asking anything. I was grateful for it. I didn't know what I was doing. I slowly moved closer to him, and while he patiently waited for my words, I bent over and my breath touched his lips briefly. The crazy proximity that I felt nearly made me feel like a wreck. I grasped the blanket under my palms very tightly, as if to find some peace of mind, and the gentle breeze caressed my face, cooling it with light touches. I was burning inside, my cheeks resembled my hair and my throat felt like a desert. He smiled. It was just for a brief moment, when the corners of his lips turned upward, as if he was telling me it was okay. He convinced me with just that little of an effort. I closed the distance between us and my lips slightly touched those of his. A feel so light that it could've been mistaken for the zephyr itself. He didn't take the lead this time, only broke free one of his hands to put it behind my ear so he could play with my red strands of hair in his fingers. I had built up new wave of confidence and gently asked him to let me in his mouth. His lips parted slowly and his tongue tenderly licked my own in return. That one act made me turn into puddle. And as if he knew what was happening to me, he sat up, never breaking the kiss, and laid me down on a blanket to finally take control. My heart was pounding heavily against my chest, and I felt like I was out of breath every time he moved in and out with his tongue. He didn't say a word to me this time, didn't ask me if I let him in, if I let him do things to me. He knew I would.
Gradually, the kiss deepened and I lost myself in this sweet oblivion, taking in everything he had been offering at that moment. So when his hand went down to my pants, I willingly moved my legs apart to give him some space. He smirked into the kiss and attacked me with everything he had got. Every part of my body was responding to his touches, every part of my mind was blurred by his actions. And every part of my soul wished for him to be there, close. Closer. He kissed me through it all, making sure I was alright with everything he had done. But in that state of mind, I wasn't able to think about anything but him. Yes, I wanted him to touch me, to release the pain of yesterday's decisions, to destroy all the anxiety I had been clinging into.
A lightly-tan hand stole the last remnants of my self-control as it got into my pants and finally touched my penis. This time I couldn't hold back, this time I didn't want to. All my lying and denying had been taken away by the wind and all that was left were his passionate kisses, which I almost could not bear, I was going crazy. This has happened countless of times, his hand wasn't there for the first time, but now I felt as though his waiting had come to an end, as if he himself hadn't been able to control the pure venom of desire. All his moves looked to me that he didn't do it because I wanted it, but because he wanted it himself. There was enough cockiness in his actions that made me believe he wanted me as hard as I wanted him.
Cupping my cheek with one hand, he got closer to me, leaning his forehead against mine. And I started to think when did it seem to change for us, when was the time I saw a line somewhere between us blurring. And maybe some days it was me blurring it, and other days it was him. And just maybe I started to understand my feelings for once, but I certainly questioned our relationship that had sprouted there. In me, in him. In us. The persistent no and yes, the push and pushing back, the constant back and forth, the uncertainty and the courage, the running away but always coming back. Always. The game, the challenge, the constant cloud above our heads. The fall, we had to endure. The rise, the look, the glare, the laugh. The rejection, the acceptance, the "touch me and die" and the "Of course, of course." We were so very different.
But our personalities had melted together on that specific moment. His hand started to move with more confidence than there had been the last time. I couldn't quite handle it, as he traced a wet path with his lips down to my jaw line and onto my neck, where he slightly bit me. My face fell backward so that it rested partially on the grass. I had became a hot mess of feelings, as he proceeded to touch me, his pace slowly driving me crazy. I was lost within him. I was trembling, shaking and shivering at the same time, not holding back my sighs and little cracked moans that escaped my mouth every once in a while. And then the game began to crumble. The whisper in my ear as he told me to come freely, the hand on my manhood pumping in a way I had never imagined before, the constant heat filling my body, the warmth on his hand as I came, my body jerking.
Little drops of tear were visible in corners of my eyes, and Naruto noticed them right away. Wiping them with his sweet and tender kisses, I realized how much I had been in love with him and how much I tried to deny the simple fact that it had happened along time ago. He held me close, not asking for release, as if he knew this time… wasn't the last. Truthfully, it was the first time of many others.
This was the time I conceded my feelings for himwere even greater than I could've ever assumed.
"Don't leave me." A soft whisper came out of my mouth, that one couldn't be controlled.
"I won't." Was all I could hear him say before my mind drifted to sleep.
A/N: I'm not gonna tell anything about this chapter. I want the feelings speak for themselves.