Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. Maki Murakami does.
Prompt: Yuki contemplates. He knows it's his fault.
Rating: M for mentions of rape, sexual situations, and Eiri's language.
Guilt
It's all my fault. Every glare I get from his team tells me so.
But they're all fucking morons if they think I don't know that already. If they think I don't know that he wouldn't have even been out on his own that night, if it wasn't for me. That wouldn't have been betrayed, beaten, hurt…
Raped.
If it wasn't for me.
When he collapsed that day, I allowed myself to touch him. To carry him home, put him in bed. I cried then, as I watched him sleep. Cried as I listened to the light shudders of his breath, burdened by pain. Watched the way his face scrunched up as his body moved, the whimpers and moans that escaped his lips as memories consumed him. He whispered apologies to me, and that made my heart clench in old torture. I thought he would sleep forever, and that made it hurt worse.
He reminded me of me. In the same situation, but worse. Betrayed twice over.
He never spoke of it, after that day. After he assured me he was fine, after he accepted me from my past. Would he so quick to accept me, to forgive me, if he knew that he had suffered because of me? If he knew that I was the one ... that I was the reason...
I tried to leave, but it killed me to hear him plead for me to stay. Just as it kills me now, that he looks to me for protection from his nightmares and demons, when it's my fault all along that he has them in the first place. My innocent lover, so badly broken.
Every time I look at him, all I can see are bruises, long-since faded, still fresh on his face. Every time he speaks, all I can imagine is that heavenly voice screaming in pain and terror, begging for someone to help him; save him. Every time he leans close to me, allowing me a whiff of the scent of his shampoo, all I smell is the blood I know he shed that night.
I should have killed Aizawa that day, and it's my fault, too, that that threat still hangs around. That Shuichi still looks over his shoulder occasionally, finds reasons and excuses to never be alone. Where he was once vibrant and happy and naïve, he's now cautious and scared and old. The once brilliant light in his amethyst eyes has dimmed down to a dull sparkle. Still there enough to fool the world and his ever-adoring fans, but …
It's not fair, not to him, that he was hurt so violently because of me. That he felt he had to protect me. That he was even put in that situation because of me.
I long to hold him, to comfort him, to do something other than push him away for his own safety. I wish I was worthy enough, that it didn't hurt to make love to him when he asked me to. I wish I felt like I wasn't manipulating him at every turn, that he could see how wrong I was for him. How dangerous. How much safer he'd be somewhere else.
I promised after Kitazawa that I would never let someone I loved go through that. I swore, and yet I had done it. When he says "Tachi" at night, tears trailing down his face as he seeks consolation against me, I know.
It's all my fault.
Short, yes. But I had to be careful, because this comes close to another piece. Sorry!!
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