Chapter: 11

Warning: Tissue alert (for some of you) celebrations for others.

00000000000000

Twenty-One years, three months and one week earlier

The new fields stretched out further than had originally been planned, but it had become clear during the clearing that the soil was rich and fertile. They would be able to grow far more crops than they had thought, and it was only further reason to celebrate today.

Teyla stood on the hillside overlooking the expansive valley, Torren in her arms. She had not helped as much as she had intended with the fields, since negotiations with the Bachians had taken far longer than estimated. That did not mean that she felt any less awed by her people's work, the fields cleared and planted in such a short period. She knew how much effort had gone into their work.

During the time she had been able to help on the fields, she had enjoyed the sweat of the work, digging into the dark fertile soil, preparing the ground to feed her people. It was work that she had done so many times before in her life, preparing fields for seeding. Her life could be split up into the fields she had helped to cultivate, starting with the many fields on Old Athos, which every time the camp had moved, new fields had been needed to be prepared and planted. Then on the mainland off Atlantis, fields there, and then here on New Athos, when her and her people had been placed here by the Ancestors. Those fields had grown good crops initially, she recalled, but had died out during the Athosians absence following their abduction by Michael. This new camp was a new start and new fields with it. Yet another new beginning. That this area's soil was so much richer pleased her, making her hope that her people would use this land for far longer than the last. These fields would provide for many years and with the river so close, the fields could be properly irrigated in future years and who knew how far they could extend the fields from there. Perhaps, this time, these fields would last.

She gazed out at the fields, happy and amazed at the amount of work that had been completed so quickly, by her people who were lessened in number and still recovering from Michael's evils. Her people were strong and determined, and she smiled with loving pride at their latest success.

The last cheers went up from her left, as the last of the ceremony was completed. There was only the feast and celebration to be enjoyed now. Her people would stay up late into the night, joyfully, thankfully, celebrating their latest achievement. She smiled at the grins and shouts of pleasure around her, and as the majority of those capable, ran off down the hillside to walk across their new fields. Grinning herself she stood still and watched the laughing happy people move away and disappear from view, though their laughter and calls could still be heard.

She looked back out to the fields, across which her people would soon appear, but for now she would remain up here, watching. Though, she had gone through ceremonies like today so many times, following each planting of the fields, today she could not help but feel more distant from it all. Though she had assisted in some of the clearing, it had been far less work than ever before. Even when the fields had been cultivated on the mainland on the first world that had supported Atlantis, she had been greatly involved in the new fields there, as had many from Atlantis. Yet, these fields, she had played a very small role. With her work in the medical tents taking up many of her afternoons and her work in Atlantis most of the rest, she had not had any real free time in which to help. She had remembered John's warnings from before, that she must not take too much on her shoulders and she had taken that advice to heart. So, instead she had made sure to spend all her evenings with her son, and when in Atlantis, she had tried to spend her time with her former team and other friends. She had fallen into a nice routine that was working well for her.

Perhaps, not so much for the man beside her though.

Kanaan had remained by her side as the others ran down the hillside. She looked at him beside her, and saw much of the same pride she felt in his eyes. He had been a major player in the establishment of these new fields. Though, his slightly reduced health had not enabled him to assist in the clearing and planting as much as he wished, he had worked non stop. He had found work elsewhere, in the planning, the supervising and preparing of the seedlings. It had meant, once again, that they had spent very little time together of late. A few evenings a week they shared together, and she was aware that more than once she had returned to Atlantis early, cutting off their time together. She had asked him to visit the city with her, and though he seemed willing, he had yet to join her there for even one night. Now, the fields were completed, perhaps he might be able to leave New Athos for even a short time. She had to wonder if he would though, for the tension between them had been steadily growing, both of them citing their work as the reasons why they were not seeing more of each other. Their times completely alone were even fewer, and often they were both far too tired to share anything more than a kiss goodnight and had even slept apart if one had to rise early the next morning. She was aware that though her routine was set, that tension crowded around it, and she found herself unwilling to let go of the balance she was establishing between both sides of her life: Atlantis and her people.

She looked at him now, and was aware that much had changed in the last year and a half, more than she could name clearly. Her people had been changed on a deep internal level that she sometimes feared about, and at other times knew had only made them all stronger. Kanaan represented that more than ever. His strength may be lessened, his heart not what it was, but he had channelled his strengths into a new role and he was fulfilling that role well.

"You have done well, Kanaan," she told him gently.

Kanaan looked round at her and his smile deepened. "We all have. It is a new beginning for all of us, Teyla."

Teyla nodded as she looked out at the valley again. Below she could her people now walking through their new fields, the younger children running and jumping over the small tributaries off the stream.

"Teyla," Kanaan said drawing her attention back to him.

He reached out and tickled Torren's feet, which resulted in a baby giggle, making both of them smile. Since Kanaan's strength had grown over the last month he had begun to care for Kanaan more. It had pleased her greatly to see the bond between father and son growing with each day, though Torren still spent a lot of time with her in Atlantis.

"Will you be staying for the first watering of the fields tomorrow?" He asked.

"I am not sure, I will need to check in with Atlantis," she replied honestly. "We are still waiting for news of the trade with the Bachians."

"Formidable traders, it is brave of Atlantis to trade with them," Kanaan replied with amusement.

"They approached us," Teyla reminded him. "But, yes, they demanded high prices, but we were able to negotiate a more reasonable rate." In truth she had been the one to negotiate the changes in the trade with the Bachians, for Mr Woolsey had been happy for her to take the lead in the negotiations.

"I am sure that you did, for Atlantis," Kanaan replied. Teyla detected something in his tone that she could not identify and she looked to him again, to find him turned fully towards her. His full attention was fixed on her in a way that she had not seen before from him. "Teyla, there is something of which I wish to discuss with you."

"What is it, Kanaan?" She asked.

He looked down, took a breath, and looked back to her with a new determination to his expression. "I wished to ask if you would consider living together, here in the camp."

She was a little surprised that he would choose this moment to make his request, though she had suspected the subject had been on his mind of late. "I have no complaint with us joining our tents, Kanaan," she offered him. Perhaps, with their tents joined, the distance between them would be reduced, and with the fields planted and the Bachian trade soon to be completed, they might have more time for one another. He smiled happily. "And will you be joining me in Atlantis as well?" She asked. Kanaan's smile faltered.

"I thought…I meant that we should live together here, full time together," he clarified, by which he confirmed her greatest concern and suspicion.

She looked down and away for a moment, struggling with the sense of nervousness that this moment had arrived. She had told him so many times of her enjoyment and love of the city, how could he ask this of her?

"My home is in Atlantis," she explained to him, hoping that he would truly understand.

"You also live here," he replied.

"Only some of the time, Kanaan, to help to care for our people. I consider Atlantis my home," she told him.

"But, we are your people, Teyla. Surely your home is with us?"

She looked away, off towards the fields below that he had helped to cultivate. She had feared this discussion, she realised. She had suspected quietly that this moment might arrive, but had fooled herself into thinking otherwise. So many times over the years she had to explain her reasoning and her decision to stay with those in Atlantis, that she had thought that by now people would have understood, or at least have accepted it. She had feared that Kanaan had been hoping to persuade her otherwise. She felt the surge of resentment it brought forth in her. She had made her choice so many years ago, but it seemed that her decision had to be questioned over and over again, if not by herself, then by others. She wondered if there ever would be a day when she would no longer have to feel guilty. "I love our people, Kanaan, you know that, but my place is in Atlantis."

"Why?" He asked.

She looked back at him, confronted by his simple, yet deep question. She saw in his expression that he was not challenging her decision, but rather that he was confused by it. "It has been my home for almost six years now and I consider my friends there as almost family," she explained. "I have seen and learnt so much working with those from Earth. I have experienced so much…"

"You still can, with us."

"I can do more for our people living in Atlantis," she replied.

He glanced down, looking rather disappointed, and he sighed heavily before he looked back to her. "Then, what if you were to live here, but travel to Atlantis to work for them?"

Teyla could understand his logic, and that he was seeking out a solution for what he saw as a problem. She realised then, that for her, there was no real conflict. Atlantis was her home now, but she visited New Athos as needed, expecting a day when she would not have to visit as frequently, when her people would not need as much care. Yet again it made her doubt herself and whether she was letting her people down, but she knew she had done much for them in her place in Atlantis. Yet, the truth be told, she hoped never have to leave the city. She loved the Ancient hallways and that they were filled with people from another galaxy. She had people she loved there and she hoped very much that Torren would grow up in the city. She could not imagine a place with more to interest a child and growing boy than in the City of the Ancestors with those from Earth. Among them Torren would have access to amazing education and experiences, as well as people who loved him and would do anything for him.

"Atlantis is my home now, not just where I work," she explained to him quietly.

"It is just a city, a place, Teyla. Here you can be with me, with our people, and still work for the greatest good that Atlantis provides for you," Kanaan tried to reason as he settled his hands on her arms around Torren. She could feel his desperation now, feel the need in his grip on her arms. She had ignored this issue between them, hoping that he would understand, but clearly he had not. It was her fault for not having made it clear to him, though she thought she had.

"I enjoy my life in Atlantis," she told him, attempting to explain to him some of what she felt. "I love living in the city of the Ancestors. To walk where the Ancestors walked. You could come to live there with me," she suggested, though already she suspected that he would not. Too much had changed for him now and he had clearly been hoping that she would be the one to change her mind.

"This is my home, Teyla, with our people," he replied.

"We used to talk of living together in Atlantis," she recalled. Those days when they had been in the flush of new affection, they seemed, somehow, so long ago.

"That was before Michael," Kanaan replied, his hands loosening slightly against her arms, as he voiced what had changed so much for all of them. "Before Torren was born," he added.

Teyla frowned at him. "Do you not believe Atlantis to be a safe home for Torren?"

"It is hardly the safest place in the galaxy," he replied with sarcasm.

Teyla took immediate offence to his point. "And has New Athos been any safer for our people?"

Kanaan looked surprised by her retort, but nodded after he considered her point. He sighed as he moved one of his hands to grasp one of Torren's little hands, tickling the boy's palm. "I miss my son when he is away," he told her. "I would love to watch him grow among our people, to learn what it means to be Athosian."

"He can still do that, Kanaan," Teyla pointed out to him passionately. "We can live as we do now and he will learn all we wish of our people."

"He will grow up between two worlds – Atlantis and Athos."

Teyla frowned at his point. "Why is that a bad thing?"

Kanaan dropped his hands from her and Torren. "I wish him to be happy, contented with his life, not like…" He paused and looked away.

She felt a shock as she realised what he had been going to say. "Were you going to say 'like me'?" She asked. "Do you think I am split between two worlds?"

Kanaan looked back to her. "Yes, my love. Between our people and those from a world that is not even among our stars. I fear that you do not truly feel happy or at home in either the camp or in Atlantis."

Teyla felt an instant flash of resentment towards him for assuming he knew how she felt. "I feel happy and at home both in Atlantis and here."

"Truly?" Kanaan asked her boldly.

Teyla frowned at him again, feeling suddenly that there was so much difference between them. She had thought he had understood her, understood that she was different, but it seemed that he had simply been waiting until he could convince her to 'come home'.

"Yes. I believe I can exist as both a member of Atlantis and as an Athosian. Why not?"

"Does it not split your focus? Make your priorities unclear?" He asked.

"Does being a father make you any less a farmer?" She asked hotly.

Kanaan reached out to her, his hands resting on her arms again, but this time it was a calming gesture. "I simply do not want you to feel split between two worlds, Teyla, and I do not wish that for our son. I only fear that if a day may come when you may lose one of your worlds, then you may also lose a part of yourself as well."

"I would rather lose a part of myself and still be true to who I am."

She looked away from his surprised expression. She understood his logic and his fears, but she did not agree with them. She feared what she felt stirring now between them, for it was clear to her now that things had not been as clear as she had thought. She had hoped to have a relationship with Kanaan that would not put pressure on her working life in Atlantis. Kanaan had represented a kind, generous Athosian partner, who said that he loved her and would respect her choices. She had thought he had understood the importance of Atlantis to her, but it seemed that she had been wrong. She had been told by many people over the years, her father and Charin in particular, that she was meant for more than farming, and though she valued that life, she had believed them when she had found Atlantis and those from Earth. Among them she had found a place that felt right, simply right. She had found a place in the universe. She would not give that up willingly, and not for Kanaan.

She looked back at him, her resolve stronger. "The day may come when I have to choose between my two 'worlds', but if such a day arrives I will make my choice, but you have always known, since we were young, that I have always wished to do more for our people, for the galaxy, than farming."

Kanaan nodded rather sadly, and though he remained close it felt as if he were moving away from her and she was doing nothing to keep him close.

"I remember," he replied softly. "I only hoped that…one day you would 'grow' out of it."

His words cut deeply and confirmed all her fears. She pulled back from him a step, his hands sliding from her arms. She saw the worry and fear in his face, clearly regretting what he had said.

"Teyla, I only meant…"

"You do not understand," she concluded.

"Teyla," he moved towards her, reaching for her again. "I only meant that one day I prayed that you would stay with me, not fly away where I did not wish to follow."

The reality of her relationship with Kanaan became achingly clear. She felt tears building in her throat, but in truth, she suspected it was his clear misunderstanding of who she was that hurt her, as well as the realisation that the future had now shifted dramatically. She looked up into his dark eyes. "If you truly loved me, you would want me to fly, to do what I love."

Kanaan's look was pained and she saw in his expression and his eyes that he too had reached the same conclusion as she: they were not right for one another. "Teyla…I…" He ran out of words.

Teyla looked away, tears filling her eyes. She was not sure if she could say the words that would end what had been a gentle kind man's love for her. All she knew was that, once again, she had been mistaken in the man she had chosen. And in that moment, when he really shouldn't, another man entered her mind. A man whom she had tried for so long to put out of her heart, but in this moment, those feelings pushed forward. She felt guilty, squeezing her eyes tightly shut against the conflicting emotions. She truly felt a deep affection for Kanaan, and she could feel the pain inside of this moment and the future sadness and possible confusion it might place on Torren, but another part of her, a dark secret part deep inside her heart, was pleased to be free of this relationship. She hated herself for that feeling, but at the same time had to wonder how long the need to break away from Kanaan had been there. Why had she not seen that they were not right for one another? Had it been for Torren that she had ignored her feelings?

"I think it would be best if I went back to Atlantis now," she said, trying to push all the conflicting thoughts aside to deal with the moment. There would be plenty of time later to reflect on her choices.

"To live?" Kanaan asked quietly after a pause.

"For tonight," she clarified as she looked off across the still valley below.

There was no breeze today, the air horridly still around her. Torren lay still in her arms, though he was awake. She glanced down at her son and saw his small dark eyes looking up at her worriedly. She smiled at him, rocking him gently, aware somehow that he could feel her emotional pain. The tears were threatening to fill her eyes again, but she kept smiling for Torren. She looked back up to Kanaan to see that there was a clear shine to his eyes as well, and rawness to his expression.

"I am sorry, Kanaan," she told him through her silent tears.

He looked away to the valley, but she saw a tear breaking free of his eyes and it made her chest ache painfully. "As am I, my love," he replied.

She could not return the sentiment, for she had never done so. She cared for Kanaan, always would, had enjoyed their times together, but love…she had to wonder if she would ever find a man with whom she could share that level of emotion.

He looked back round, a grim smile filling his face, as his eyes dropped to Torren in her arms. She leant forward as he reached, and passed their son over into his arms. She was sure that he needed to feel their child's weight now, to know that some love would never be broken. She watched him settle his boy into his strong arms.

"What of Torren?" He asked his tears still fresh as he looked at her. She realised that he was concerned that he would see less of his son. She felt the ache in her chest with renewed vigour. She would never deny him that connection, that time and affection with his son.

"He deserves to spend as much time with his father as he does with his mother," she reassured him.

Kanaan looked at her with a watery smile and he nodded. He may not be the man with whom she would share her life, but he was a wonderful father and a good friend. She stepped up closer to him and laid a hand on his arm.

"He will always have a place with you and he will be safe in Atlantis, I promise you that," she said as she kissed Kanaan's temple and then turned away.

000000000000
TBC