"What do you do with a loving feeling
If the loving feeling makes you all alone?"
- "A Loving Feeling" by Mitski
Part Eleven: Moon
Darcy watches Laura Barton kiss Clint a couple times while she and Bucky wait behind them.
The way Clint carries himself changes completely. He's looser, dropping his shoulders as he holds his wife's face in his hands. Darcy feels as if she's intruding, and not just because Clint didn't ask if they could stay at his farm. Seeing Clint suddenly all gooey makes her look away.
"Hey," Clint says, and Darcy looks up, seeing Laura staring at her. "C'mere."
"Honey, don't call to her like she's a sheepdog," Laura chides with a smile.
Darcy feels her chest loosen at little and she walks up to her, offering her hand.
"I'm –"
"Darcy, I know," Laura says, taking her hand. "Natasha called when you guys left the Tower."
She looks at Bucky. "Is he -?"
Bucky comes forward as well, taking Laura's hand.
"Bucky Barnes. Thank you for your hospitality, ma'am."
Laura's face lights up and Darcy presses her lips together, exchanging a look with Clint. Laura is clearly charmed by Bucky, and not just because he called her 'ma'am.'
Clint wraps an arm around her shoulders and steers her away toward the house, and Laura throws another smile Bucky's way while he rubs the back of his neck.
"He's very, very welcome," Laura murmurs, and Darcy begins to giggle. The woman probably forgets that some of Clint's co-workers have superior hearing.
Bucky and Darcy stand outside the front of the house while Darcy can hear children shouting inside, and Clint laughing.
Bucky's face morphs into something harder than before.
"You don't think we should be here," Darcy says, and his eyes duck to her, and Darcy crosses her arms.
"It's not the best idea," he replies.
Darcy turns her heel, walking back to the station wagon and popping the trunk. She lifts both hers and his suitcases with ease and sets them down on the ground. Bucky comes over to pick them up before she has a chance to close the trunk. It bothers her that he's trying to be nice, but she can't say why. She's irritated either way and she thinks he can sense it.
"What did you suggest?" Darcy asks, crossing her arms and following Bucky back toward the house, taking the stairs to the front door. "I would have thought the city was the worst place to be."
"I didn't want to be in the city, either," Bucky says, as Darcy opens the door and the sounds of Clint and his family are suddenly ten times louder. Bucky doesn't adjust the height of his volume because he knows Darcy can hear him. "But there might not be any ideal place for me."
"Or me," Darcy adds, because he can't pretend this isn't entirely about her. They aren't here because Clint asked them nicely.
She feels Bucky staring at her as she moves towards the screaming. She turns the corner and sees Clint on the floor with three children on top of him. The youngest couldn't be more than two years old. Darcy's eyes widen and she joins Laura who's watching the carnage of the living room.
"Cooper, try not to step on his head too much," she says, but she's smiling. "Your dad's only got one."
Darcy watches the toddler take her in, his dad forgotten.
"Hey, baby," Darcy says, and she stoops. She picks up the miniature Clint with ease, hoisting him on her hip.
"That's Nathaniel," Laura says, stroking his hair. He doesn't seem to take much notice of his mom, gripping the front of Darcy's shirt in his little fist while Clint's other two kids still climb over their dad on the floor.
"You guys hungry? We gotta start dinner soon."
No reply from the kids, and Laura rolls her eyes and smiles at Darcy. She give a wave of her hand.
"Anyway, I'll give you guys a quick tour."
Darcy spins around with Nathaniel in her arms, following Laura out with Bucky behind her. At one point Darcy stepped over a Lego Millennium Falcon, Nathaniel still attached to her front, looking down her shirt and then up at her face.
"Is he okay?" Laura says, and Darcy smiles at him.
"Yes, he reminds me of my ex-boyfriends," Darcy says, kissing his fuzzy crown. "Don't you, baby?"
He seems happy as Laura leads them up some stairs, showing them the rooms.
"Cooper and Lila are here, then Nate's with us in here…"
She stops at one spare room.
"We had Natasha up here last time. We have air mattresses, the couch…"
She stops mid-step, glancing up at Bucky.
"Unless you want a space for just you two, that's fine."
Darcy feels her stomach flip and her face blush as Laura looks from her to Bucky, who looks like he's swallowed his tongue.
"No, we're not –" Darcy starts, and Laura's eyes widen.
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine, we're just – it's fine," Darcy babbles, Nathaniel tugging her shirt further down. Bucky's eyes flicker to her chest for a second before he glances away, looking uncomfortable.
Darcy feels her face burn some more. He clearly would rather sleep in a tent in the middle of a blizzard than entertain the idea of being close to her again. Last night she'd bullied him into staying up with her, watching TV. Even that morning when she heard him in the shower, she could have sworn –
She wants to roll her eyes at herself for her stupidity, those ridiculous fantasies.
There's an awkward pause but Laura skirts over it, shrugging.
"You guys can fight over the spare room, then," she says, winking at Darcy.
Good God, no wonder she's married to Clint. There's footsteps behind them and Clint appears, panting. He's pink in the face and smiling.
"You guys decide on -?" he cuts himself off, seeing Nathaniel grabbing Darcy's shirt. "The little man's in love. That's a good start."
He looks at Bucky. "We need firewood."
"Sure," Bucky says.
The leave together and Darcy cuddles Nathaniel while he tugs on her bra strap. It makes Laura laugh. They descend the stairs, and Darcy can hear the sound of wood splitting and falling beyond the kitchen window.
"Can I help?" Darcy says, as Laura starts to get out vegetables.
"What can you cook?" Laura asks, before ducking into the fridge again.
"I can make scramble eggs, sugar cookies… I do a lot with ramen. Stir fry stuff, too."
"Well, you're better than Nat," Laura replies. She puts one hand on her hip. "Can you do mashed potatoes?"
"Yes!" Darcy says, and Nathaniel startles. "Sorry, baby."
Darcy sets to work, boiling potatoes as she sits Nathaniel on the counter in front of her. She likes the feel of his soft, chubby limbs. His hair reminds her of duck feathers. At one point, Cooper comes running in, asking how long it is until dinner.
"An hour tops, sweetie," Laura says, and Cooper looks at Darcy a couple times, distracted. "Did you say hello to Daddy's guests?"
"I said hi to Bucky, Lila's outside with Dad shooting the tree again."
"I told your father –" Laura sighs, putting down her knife and stalking off out of the kitchen, leaving Cooper with Darcy and Nathaniel.
"We're having meatloaf, huh?" Cooper says, and Darcy nods, smiling. "Does Dad know you from work?"
"Yeah," Darcy says. "Why?"
"You don't look like… you work with my dad," Cooper says. His eyes land on her sneakers and he looks away, racing out again.
Darcy doesn't take it to heart. She knows she doesn't seem the killer type, which was probably how she managed to stay under SHIELD's radar right up until she tried to kill Tony Stark. She's ripped from Clint's house in that moment, feeling her guts twist with the reminder of what she's done.
She lets out a shaky breath, closing her eyes. She presses her forehead into Nathaniel's little shoulder, sniffing. She moves back, stroking his little head.
"Hey, FRIDAY?"
"Yes, Miss Lewis?"
"Put on some music."
Bucky comes into the kitchen when the pile of wood outside is big enough for Clint's liking. Clint and his daughter are getting in a short archery lesson despite Laura telling Clint that they needed to make another proper target instead of the tree trunk Lila is shooting at repeatedly.
For a girl of her size and age Bucky can see she's already highly skilled. He walks back indoors, meaning to get a glass of water and stops abruptly when he reaches the kitchen.
He sees Darcy dancing around with Nathaniel in her arms, Laura laughing from her spot by the sink. There's a French pop song playing above their heads and Darcy swivels her hips to it. She's kicked off her sneakers, her little socks scuffing the floorboards as Nathaniel giggles.
The baby's got his hand down her shirt and Bucky envies him for a split second, before he remembers Darcy's vulnerable. She's just trying to feel safe and Bucky's being a creep. She stops moving so much when she senses Bucky looking at her.
She moves toward the stove and stirs the mashed potatoes while Bucky goes to the fridge for water. Laura points to a cabinet for glasses and he murmurs his thanks.
He wishes he didn't feel so awkward. He sips his water while Darcy talks to the toddler, who seems entirely bewitched. Before Bucky can leave, Laura calls out:
"Dinner!"
Darcy hands Bucky the baby wordlessly and he freezes, Nathaniel staring up at him. He can't remember the last time he held someone so small.
Nathaniel doesn't look pleased with his new companion, his little brow furrowing.
"I know, buddy. But she's busy," he murmurs.
Darcy piles the mashed potato onto a plate, Laura bustling around with the carrots and green beans. Bucky hangs around, holding the baby. Nathaniel begins to fuss, and Darcy comes back, grabbing him from Bucky once more.
He follows her into the dining room, the table already set. Cooper hovers, and Laura asks him to retrieve Clint.
Bucky sits down and Darcy slips in beside him. Their shoulders bump and Bucky opens his mouth to apologize, but Darcy's in another world, Nathaniel on her lap. Throughout dinner, she feeds the baby in between her own mouthfuls.
"You have a good trip?"
Laura's been trying to get his attention for God knows how long, and Bucky pauses mid-chew, eyes widening. Lila and Cooper smirk at each other but Darcy doesn't seem to notice how much of a dope he is.
"Uh, yeah."
"Not too cramped in the backseat?" Laura adds, and Bucky shakes his head, a little smile playing on his lips.
"No worse than when I was in the backseat of a Volkswagon from Bucharest to Germany."
After dinner Darcy helps Laura with Nathaniel while Cooper, Lila and Clint watch a movie called Flash Gordon. Bucky sits in one of the armchairs, listening out for Darcy.
She keeps giggling, helping bathe the toddler and put him to bed. Eventually, the women return, Laura ushering the kids.
"Bedtime. Now. Come on…"
"Listen to your mother," Clint says, and Laura crooks her finger at her husband as well and he smiles.
He gets up from the couch and follows after his kids. Laura points to the linen cupboard in the hallway.
"Sheets, blankets, pillows."
"Thank you," Darcy murmurs. "Thank you for everything."
"Don't thank me so soon, Clint hasn't started training you yet."
Darcy's eyes widen a fraction.
"But if he's too hard on you, remind him that his wife is still on the property," Laura adds, and she gives Darcy's arm a squeeze. "Goodnight, Bucky."
"Goodnight, thank you," Bucky murmurs, and Laura smiles.
Darcy glances at Bucky when Laura leaves. The movie is still playing but he's not watching it, he's looking at her.
"What're you doing?"
"I thought you'd be going to bed," he replies, instead of answering her.
Her stomach flips. Being alone with him now feels different. She drops her hip, looking away.
"Do you wanna go for a walk?"
He blinks a couple times.
"You don't have to, you can tell me to leave you alone, or say it's not safe –"
"I'd love to."
She meets his gaze again. "Okay."
They slip out into the night, and Darcy can hear crickets. They walk past the woodpile and down a slope, until they're in the clearing beyond the trees that surround Clint's house.
"It's so quiet. I haven't heard a place this quiet since –" Darcy cuts herself off, because she is reminded of the serum once again. She stops walking, and Bucky mirrors her.
"Me, neither," he murmurs.
"How far away are we from the next house?" Darcy asks. She squints and sees in the distance a little light.
"It's a few miles away at least."
The moon makes Bucky's skin look blue.
"What does Laura mean by training?" she asks, and Bucky glances at her mouth while she speaks.
She could almost swear his gaze has intent, but it has to be wishful thinking on her part. He licks his lips.
"Don't tell me it's just a way to pass the time," she says before he can answer. "Because I can think of things that are way more fun to do."
He doesn't pause this time. "Like what?"
His voice is different, low. It makes Darcy's stomach pool with warmth, seeping down to between her legs.
"It doesn't involve you sleeping on the couch and me in the spare room."
He stares, and Darcy turns away from him. Even when she's miserable she's a complete flirt, not that she ever doubted herself. She takes a few deep, sobering breaths of the night air.
She lowers herself to the grass, lying on her back to stare up at the night sky.
Bucky joins her, their shoulders pressing together. They're quiet for a while, but it doesn't feel the same as before. It doesn't feel tense. Darcy's accepted Bucky doesn't want to be flirty.
"Clint's training you so that you can protect yourself," he says.
"I had an inkling."
He chuckles. Darcy closes her eyes for a moment, listening to his steady breaths beside her.
"It's beautiful."
Darcy opens her eyes, and he's looking right at her. They're heads are closer.
"The stars in the sky," he whispers, and Darcy stares back at him.
Her heart is racing.
"Yeah," she breathes.
Bucky watches the line of her back in the dark as they walk back to the house. He itches to reach out, to feel her skin. It's not his place, and she's not his to touch.
It doesn't involve you sleeping on the couch and me in the spare room.
He can't go along with the joke. She'll end up teasing him too much, cutting to the bone. He goes to the linen closet, getting her a blanket and a sheet for the spare room. She grabs a pillow and follows him up the staircase. Bucky hears Laura giggle and Darcy raises her eyebrows.
The reunion must be in full swing. They duck into the spare room and Bucky starts unfurling the sheet.
Darcy covers her mouth to muffle her own laughter. Bucky presses his lips together as he starts to make her bed while she watches. He works fast, stepping back when he's done.
She reaches out, taking his flesh wrist in her tiny hand and squeezing. Bucky tries to not seem startled, her eyes roving his arm and chest. He's not imagining that.
"Thank you," she murmurs, but by the way her words run together, it sounds like she means to say more.
"That's okay," he whispers back.
He swallows, her hand still locked around his wrist.
"Goodnight," he adds, and she pulls back.
She blinks a few times, nodding.
"Yeah… goodnight."
He tries to not feel his heart sink. He tries to not feel disappointed in himself. He tries not to see the hurt on her face. Maybe she just wants to be held, to feel less alone.
He hesitates, his hand hovering over the doorknob. He closes his eyes, letting out a sigh.
He turns, raising his hands, and he pulls her toward him by the waist until she rests against him, her head to the side as her face presses against his chest.
He rests his chin on her head and stays there. She sighs, breathing him in. Her hands are around his middle and he's sure she can hear his heart, hear how fast its beating.
"Goodnight," she says again.
She's the one to step back. She squeezes his hand in hers once, twice, and then lets it go.
Bucky doesn't fall asleep for a long time after that.