A/N: I am experimenting with non-linear storytelling. Tell me if you like it or not, okay?

Faithful readers will also notice that as the chapters progress, it's less TIM giving Excuses than Shepard giving Explanations. In other words, the table is turning. Where do you think this will lead into? ;)

Oh, for discussions — and my replies to reviewers — there's a bit . ly address in the post-chapter A/N. Go check it out :)

Disclaimer: BioWare owns 'em all. Except Mr. Churchill. He belongs to humanity.

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Explanations and Excuses

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Chapter 11: Miseries

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She was, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

That's what the crew of the Normandy had thought. All of them, except the one man to which she had confided her darkest secret.

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She had lived a blissful life. Her lover cared so much for her; to heck with the asari prejudice against purebloods. They loved each other; nothing will ever go wrong.

Or so she thought.

The birth of their first baby brought great joy to both of them. The second baby followed, then the third. Life was well, life was good, life couldn't be better.

Or so she thought.

They watched their children grow up to become wonderful asaris; beautiful and intelligent. The children were always near the top of their classes in school. They will surely find no problem with employment later on in life. They will surely be great and famous members of society.

Or so she thought.

She never would've expected that within a few decades, their lives will forever be splintered, and she would enter a misery that will last for centuries.

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It was late in the night. Well, it's a perpetual night in deep space, but according to the ship's clock - kept painstakingly in sync with the Citadel standard time - it's already one hour into the nightwatch shift.

A lone figure could be seen standing in front of the XO's quarters. His hands could be seen balling into fists, then relaxing, then balling again. As if he's trying to make up his mind for something.

After some long and agonizing minutes, he turned around and left.

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"Commander, thank you for coming here. I appreciate you taking some time from your schedule."

"No problem, Samara. Just call me Shepard. Now what is it you wanted to talk to me about," Shepard replied, a gentle smile on his face.

The justicar gestured at the couch, and they sat there, maintaining a respectful distance with each other.

"Shepard, before I continue, I want to emphasize that I am still bound by my oath to serve your cause. Whatever your decision will be, will not affect that oath. What I am about to ask of you is purely voluntary, but I fear I will not be performing at my best if this issue weighing my mind is not resolved yet."

Shepard nodded. "Alright. Don't worry. I expect my crew to perform at their max, and I'll do whatever it takes to realize that."

"Thank you, Shepard. I shall now tell you of a long and sad story. My story."

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She never saw it coming. She had been forced to stay at the office late, due to some unforeseen emergency. She had called her bondmate and their children, telling them to 'save some dinner for me' and 'please do not deadbolt the door like last time, I hate sleeping in the aircar.'

She was turning left —

The driver of the other aircar had been apprehended for drunk driving. His alcohol limit was way beyond the legal limitations. He had been found guilty by the court. And he'd also been found guilty for involuntary manslaughter.

Samara and her children stood there, crying, as the coffin bearing her bondmate entered the cremation chamber. She had left them without saying goodbye. They will forever let the deadbolt be unlocked. And leave a plate of dinner on the table every night.

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Miranda woke up with a start. She wondered why she awakened. She noted no one had chimed the annunciator of her quarters. But deep inside, she felt ...

Theo? She jumped out of her bed. Whoa, the floor's cold! She ran to her desk, activating the door's cam. She had wanted to run to the door and open it, but considering the state of undress she was in, it would be wiser to check the cam first. Just in case it wasn't Shepard.

No one was standing outside the door. She panned the camera, and caught sight of Shepard's back as he entered the elevator. He turned around to press the elevator's button, and the door closed.

Had she managed to caught a glimpse of his face, she would've seen a face of conflicting emotions and of a mind weighed heavily with burdens too great for one.

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Being a single parent is never easy. More so if you're a single parent of not one, but three lively and very bright asaris. But somehow she managed to juggle between her job and her family. And somehow still finding the time to play skyball with her friends, although not too frequently.

Her life was settling again after her bondmate was taken away far before her time. She was almost over her grief, when life dealt her another curveball.

She got a call in her office. Falere, her oldest, had been apprehended. But the next words she heard from the police nearly stopped her heart.

Falere was an Ardat-Yakshi.

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He had told the crew why they visited Omega: to take care of Samara's urgent matter. He had told them in no uncertain terms that the landing party would comprise only him and Samara. And he had told them he would act as a bait.

That last information made her sat there thunderstruck.

She had tried to argue about the foolishness and danger of that half-baked plan. But he was adamant that they do it as he planned.

When the briefing was over, she tried to occupy her mind with things to do at Omega. But she just couldn't. Her mind was filled with fear, fear of losing him to this... this abomination. Although she would never ever openly admit that fear to anyone.

Finally she made up her mind and stood up to storm his personal quarters in the loft. But before she even left her desk, Shepard barged in.

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Shepard was dumbfounded. It's one thing to find out how Samara had been obsessed of apprehending this Ardat-Yakshi. But it was truly shocking when she told him that this Ardat-Yakshi... was her daughter.

He glanced at Samara's face. He saw no tears. Only the harsh lines of conviction, emphasized by centuries of misery.

"I have to have my closure, Shepard. She had murdered countless of innocents for four centuries. Having her killed by someone else would not even begin my absolution. Only by killing her with my own hands will I be absolved of the blood she's spilled."

Shepard just nodded. He couldn't even imagine how big her guilt was, to impose upon herself the punishment of not only losing 3 daughters, but also to have one of them die in her own hands.

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The judge had been kind to Falere, because Falere had shown true remorse, and even voluntarily asked to be interned in the Ardat-Yakshi monastery.

Several years later, the same judge also shown kindness to Rila. But the judge warned Samara that due to circumstances, it would be better if Mirala was also interned "before something bad happens."

But when Samara talked to Mirala, Mirala became upset, and blamed Samara for what happened to Falere and Rila. Samara became angry herself, and ordered her daughter to pack up and leave with Rila the next day.

Early the next day, before the monastery shuttle arrived, Mirala's room was already empty.

Except for a note her mother found.

Staying away from an amazing power is stupid! Mother, since Falere used her powers, I have been experimenting. It seems I am smarter than both Falere and Rila in hiding my subjects. Don't you understand? This *is* the future of our race! Only by using this power we will achieve greatness! Not by locking up those with the power and letting them wither!

Samara dropped to her knees and cried.

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"She will have her closure. I promised her that!"

Miranda just stood there, her anger barely constrained. "At least take me with you! You're entrusting your life to a justicar that had failed to nail down her target for *four*centuries*! And... and... and she's a Justicar! In their view, Cerberus is an enemy, and... and..." She covered her face with her hands, trying hard to stop the sob that's threatening to burst out.

Shepard looked at her calmly, if somewhat surprised. He gently confronted her, "You don't want to lose me."

Miranda couldn't hold back her tears. "Of course I don't want to lose you, dammit! I... you... without you, I... this mission won't succeed!"

Shepard's hands reached across her desk And grasped hers firmly. "I'll come back. For the mission. For humanity. For the galaxy. But most of all, for you."

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The QED commline hummed open, and in no time Shepard found himself standing in front of The Illusive Man.

"So, Shepard. Based on your report of what had happened, you actually had the chance of saving Morinth instead of killing her. Why did you choose to kill her?" The Illusive Man had suddenly blurted out his questions after leaving Shepard standing there in silence for nearly a minute, busy with a datapad.

"She has been proven to be dangerous to the galaxy. And don't forget: her last victim was human. Do we really want to let her continue her reign of terror? She had dominated a village for pete's sake. Had we not kill her, what will stop her from increasing her powers and one day dominated a human colony?"

The Illusive Man again fell silent for awhile. Quite unusual, Shepard thought.

"What happened to the body?"

"Samara incinerated the body. It was to release her soul, and also because Samara doesn't want her daughter's body to be handled in a desecrating way."

The Illusive Man nodded. "I see."

An uncomfortable silence enveloped them.

The Cerberus leader again broke the silence. "About her loyalty, Shepard. What would happen after we have taken care of the Collectors? Will she turn against us? As far as I know, the Justicars have a dim view against Cerberus."

"I have told her that my overarching mission is to stop the Reapers threat once and for all. Thus she is bound to her oath until the Reapers are beaten - or we lose. If we win against the Reapers... well, we'll just cross the bridge when we reach it, won't we?"

The Illusive Man nodded. "Very well, Shepard. In any case, securing the loyalty of the Justicar is very valuable indeed. At least for the foreseeable future, we no longer have to worry about her interfering with our activities."

Another pregnant pause followed.

This time, Shepard broke the silence. "We are in the progress of installing the Javelin missile launchers, and we're going to Thracia to install the Thanix Cannons afterwards. When we're fully equipped, we'll go to the derelict Reaper."

The Illusive Man nodded again. "Good place. We do have some sympathizers there. You might also look into upgrading the ship's armor, Shepard. Talk to Operative Taylor. He might have good ideas for that. And while we're at it, ask him if the shipment of M5 Phalanxes has arrived, like I mentioned in my email."

"It has. Sorry, I forgot to tell you that. As also the Mattocks and the Geth Plasma Shotgun. Never thought an old venerable like the Mattock can be retrofitted with thermal clips," Shepard smirked.

"Like I mentioned in my email, it's very interesting when an AI criticizes me for loving high-tech weapons too much. You really should test the Mattocks out before relying too much on them, Shepard. It hasn't been refitted with thermal clips long enough to my liking."

Shepard nodded. "Anything else I should check up on?"

The Cerberus leader fell silent for a moment. When he spoke again, he spoke very carefully, "I just have a really bad feeling, Shepard. A premonition, if you like. Just make sure that your crew are at the top of their effectiveness."

"I'll make sure of that. As far as I know, all matters that weighed upon their minds have been taken care of."

"Good. I'll send you more weapons and armors when you reached Thracia. Anything more to report?"

"No. That would be all."

"Alright. Cerberus Central out."

Shepard's holographic image had flickered out, but The Illusive Man just sat there in the dark, illuminated by the light of the star on his wall, pondering, trying hard to get an answer, but failed.

He couldn't imagine what he would do if he were to find himself in Samara's situation.

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Author's Notes:

You can find my A/N at bit . ly / biFYdV (remove all the spaces; it links to my blog at MEwiki)

I also put my responses to reviewers there.

Feel free to leave a comment on my blog article :)

But... please don't forget to leave a review here at FFnet ... I need that review-count boost ;)

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