I am trying to update my story at least once a week now. I've got some trips coming up and I do not want to abandon anyone who might actually be enjoying this story. The next 3 or so chapters are going to be very emotional. I recommend getting your box of tissues. Please enjoy and let me know what you think.
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Two weeks later …
Refreshing; that's the best way to describe the feeling as she walked along the sidewalk. The crisp air bit at her lips as the bright noon sun blinded her, even through her sunglasses.
Refreshing …
Rachel set a heady pace as she took her first step. Much depended on her actions that afternoon. Her life would begin to change … or not. She would grasp at the rope being offered to her … or she would stay, sinking in the quicksand that was her fear.
On her face she wore a smile. For a change hope, not fear was her companion.
She had left early for her appointment … she did not want to be late. The extra time she had budgeted would give her the time to enjoy her walk. She had not enjoyed much lately. She would spoil herself.
As she crossed the street she entered the park, her appointment being in a building on the far side. She slowed her pace. Walking into the wind caused her hair to trail behind her as her face was gently stroked by leaves falling from the trees.
Her pace slowed yet again as she scanned the people enjoying the beautiful weather. Families, children, husbands and wives; boyfriends, girlfriends, and lovers. She was in the minority, she was alone.
She removed her sunglasses and focused on a couple with a lone child. She watched them intently as in slow-motion. They looked so happy. They occupied their own little space under a tree, in the grass. The child was a girl with long brown hair that flew as the wind blew through it. She was running around the tree, trying to escape the pursuit of the man gently chasing her. She screamed with glee; she was as happy as a child could be. Rachel, continuing her slowed pace, refocused on her father as he closed the pursuit. She had a hard time making out his face as he had lowered his shoulders to reach for his daughter. Finally, he caught her. Grabbing her by her waist he lifted her off the ground. She swung her head back, causing her hair to become airborne. He lifted her into the air and twirled her as she screamed joyfully …
"Daddy, that tickles!" She giggled.
… And then she saw his face, it was him.
She stopped.
Giving into her protests he lowered her to the ground. Kneeling down in front of her he opened his arms as she flew hard into his chest. He closed his arms around her in a gentle embrace.
He looked up … and saw her.
The universe stopped.
He held the little girl but stopped hugging her. He froze. A few moments passed, she pulled away and looked at her protector, trying to discern why he had gone. She looked into his eyes as they stared off into the distance. Trying to regain his attention she spoke …
"Daddy, uh Ross, are you OK?"
He couldn't respond, he couldn't hear her, he wasn't there. He was a hundred feet away with his hand in hers in a different reality, a reality that would never be.
"Mommy, please come here. Something is wrong with Ross!"
She had been daydreaming, imagining what it would be like to be that family, to be that woman, to be with that man and have that daughter. It was so ironic. He was the man! Her dream had become a nightmare. She knew that he saw her. Instead of fleeing she did something so out of character … she stood her ground. She looked him right in the eyes and smiled slightly while tilting her head to her right, lifting her hand and gently waved at him.
As the woman ran to his side she became concerned. "Ross, what's wrong? Are you feeling alright?" She asked. Getting no response she gently slapped his face, trying to get his attention.
At that moment he saw her wave. Instinctively, without thinking, he returned the gesture. The woman did not expect that response from him. Intuitively she noted the direction of his eyes and swiftly spun her frame to spot the object of his attention.
There she stood with her hand raised, a smile on her face.
Noting the woman's attention to her and not wanting to cause him any trouble, she regained her original pace. She had an important appointment to get to.
"Who was that?" The woman asked, as his eyes continued to follow her out of the park.
As he came back to reality he blurted it out …"My ex-wife."
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Anxious and jumpy are two words that could be used to describe how she felt that moment, the instant the doors of the elevator opened. She exited and raised the card in her hand. Raising her eyes she scanned the hallway looking for her destination. Finding it, she entered …
The office was well decorated, albeit not to her demanding tastes. It was professional and subdued as it had to appeal to a wide-ranging clientele. On the wall hung many awards and certificates, each a statement to authenticate the expertise of the purveyor of services. The nameplate on the door was inscribed with a name, "Nancy Peterson, MA, LMHC".
"Welcome Miss Green, please sit down."
"Rachel."
"Alright Rachel, I read your email and I think I may be able to help. Please, tell me what's on your mind."
"Don't you want me to lie down or something?"
"Just tell me what's on your mind. Let's start with why you're here and we'll go from there."
"Alright then, it all started …"
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"Here's your coffee Monica."
"Thanks Chandler. I can so use this right now. I'd like to relax a little before I head off to the restaurant. It's going to be a busy night."
"So Ross, did you keep your promise to me?"
"What promise are you referring to Monica?"
"Don't give me that, you remember the promise you made to me a few weeks ago. I didn't ask you last week because I wanted to give you more time to get a date. OK, so did you keep your promise?"
"Yes, alright? I am seeing someone right now. We've been out a few times and …"
"And what? Please tell me you didn't ask her to marry you!"
"Monica, would you give it a rest! That joke is no longer funny."
"Alright, I'll stop. So tell us about your new girlfriend."
"You remember that woman I told you about, the woman from the paleontology conference?"
"Yeah, I think so. What was her name, Peggy was it?"
"That's it, you remembered."
"So, do you have anything to report?"
"If you're talking about us sleeping together then the answer is no. We've been out twice and, uh…"
"Alright Ross, why do you continue to drop off like that? What's wrong?"
"Peggy has a daughter."
"Oh, is that a problem for you?"
"Are you kidding? You know how I love children. Angela is precious. We get along so well, but I'm worried about a few things …"
"Worried about what?" Asked his sister.
"Well, I've only spent a few hours with Peggy and Angela but … but … she's already started calling me Daddy."
"Oh, well, you are already a father and you do love children."
"Yes, that's true but I want to take things very slowly. I had a heart-to-heart talk with Peggy after our last date. I told her that I've been hurt badly in the past and that I've also hurt others. We agreed to take it slow. Then today we were having fun in the park and I saw her …"
"Who, who did you see, Ross?"
"Rachel. She was standing there as I was hugging Angela. I was loving this little girl with everything I had and then I saw her. Everything stopped."
"What do you mean everything stopped?"
"I was hugging Angela and as soon as I saw Rachel the entire world disappeared, except for the two of us. She must have been like a hundred feet away but, even with this loving little girl in my arms I totally lost touch with her. She was in my arms and I couldn't even hear or feel her. Angela got scared and called her mother. Peggy came over and tried to snap me out of it but still … I couldn't even acknowledge them. Then Rachel walked off but not before she smiled and waved. I waved back and Peggy saw her. I had to tell her that Rachel was my ex-wife."
"How did she handle it?" Asked Chandler.
"Which one?"
"Peggy."
"She said that she understood, but I'm sure that she has reservations about dating me now. Peggy's a highly intelligent woman. She saw me space out when I saw Rachel."
"What about Rachel? How did she handle it?"
"Pretty well I guess. She smiled and waved at me before she walked off. I hope she wasn't hurt. I didn't mean for her to see us. It was an accident!"
"Ross, we know that, please calm down. Look, it was an accident. Rachel will be fine. Remember, she let you go."
"Monica, I don't want to talk about that anymore, but I would like to talk to you and Chandler about something."
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Monica, Chandler, I am seriously considering moving out of the city. I'm thinking of moving back to the island so that I can be closer to Mom and Dad. They need us a lot and we're pretty far away from them living here in Manhattan."
Monica looked at him with unbelieving eyes. She was skeptical of his motives and highly doubtful that this was THE reason for his desire to move. She began her interrogation …
"Ross, is Dad's health the only reason that you're thinking of moving?"
Ross looked up from his coffee, straight into her eyes. He was doomed. He knew that it was a lost cause. He decided to be truthful and be done with it …
"No, Monica, it's not."
"Would that other reason have to be Rachel?" She asked.
He didn't look up; he didn't even acknowledge her question.
"Oh my God, I can't believe this! You're actually considering moving away from us just so that you can get away from her, aren't you? Do you know how unfair that is to you and the rest of us? Before you do anything consider how Rachel would feel knowing that you moved because of her."
"But Mon, I don't want anyone to get hurt again, OK? I have a long history of breaking up with Rachel and meeting someone else. Then I get close to the other woman and then Rachel comes back into my life. I then leave the other woman, hurting them badly."
"Ross, we know the story. Yes, we've seen a lot of people get hurt but you're not God! You can't protect everyone from getting hurt. You running into Rachel in the park was an accident. It was a coincidence that you both happened to be there at the same time. Consider how much hurt your move would cause."
"Monica, if it means that I never date again so that no one gets hurt then so be it!"
She looked at him and almost laughed. She wanted to reach over to his chair and slap him hard across his face. He was besieged, he was overwhelmed. Rachel and his father were starting to get to him. She said the first thing that came to her mind …
"Fine, do as you please, but remember this Ross, have you ever considered that if you move away … you may have given up on ever having another chance with her."
Disgusted with him, she grabbed Chandler's hand and pulled him out of Central Perk, leaving Ross to think …
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"Well, that was an interesting story, Rachel. Let me make sure I've got this straight. Please correct me if I wrote anything down incorrectly, OK?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"You were engaged to a man but left him at the alter …"
"This friend of yours, Ross, went to China on a business trip. You found out that he was in love with you and you fell for him. When he returned from China he was with another woman …"
"Later, you told Ross about how you felt, he then left his girlfriend to be with you …"
"A year later Ross sleeps with another woman while he thought you were on a break …"
"We were NOT on a break!"
"Let's leave that for later. Moving on …"
"Ross starts seeing another woman and you get jealous so you get her to shave her head and you tell him you still love him …"
"He leaves that woman to be with you, again, only to find out that the only way he can be with you is to accept full responsibility for your breakup … which he can't do."
"A year later you accidentally introduce him to another woman who he ends up getting engaged to. You then disrupt his wedding by flying to London. You show up at the ceremony and he says your name instead of hers …"
"Then you tell him you love him after he is already married to that woman …"
"Then he gets divorced and you both go on a vacation to Las Vegas and get married, while you are drunk …"
"Then, you leave him even though he didn't want to get divorced."
"Rachel, did I miss anything?"
"No, not really. That's a pretty good summary of the last 5 years or so."
"Alright, now that we have the pertinent information down why are you here? What are your issues?"
"In a nutshell … I'm afraid."
"What are you afraid of Rachel?"
"I'm afraid of Ross."
"Why are you afraid of him? Has Ross ever mentally or physically abused you in any way?"
"No, Ross has always been very gentle and respectful of me, except when he cheated on me."
"So why are you afraid of him?"
"I'm afraid of getting hurt again, I'm afraid to give up my freedom, I'm afraid of a lifetime commitment. I've had relationships with many different men and they were great, they were safe relationships because I knew they would go nowhere. But this time, this time it will de different. Ross has changed, I have changed. When we were dating it was wonderful. We lived and loved in the moment, without to much concern for the future. This could be the time that I surrender to love. If I marry him I'm afraid we'll end up divorced."
"But Rachel, you are divorced."
"I know, but I guess I never really took the Vegas wedding and our marriage too seriously, I mean we were really drunk and didn't know what we were doing."
"Whose idea was it to get married in Las Vegas anyway?"
"Mine." She said, lowering her eyes to the floor.
"Did Ross take your marriage seriously?"
"Very." She replied, unable to look her in the eyes.
"So why did you divorce him?"
"I did it for all those reasons I mentioned before. I lived with him for about a month and every day he seemed to become in love with me. He scared me! He has become the man that he always could have been. He has kept his best qualities and abandoned his bad ones. Signing the divorce papers was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I feel terrible about it. You don't know the extent of my guilt."
"What do you mean, Rachel?"
"I left him at a time when he needed me most. His father is very sick. He could use all the support he can get."
"So why don't you just go help him? You could go visit his father or just spend time talking to him."
"I could … but I haven't. I'm afraid. I love Ross but. but …"
"But what, Rachel?"
"I'm so very afraid of falling IN love with him again. I'm afraid that if I do then we'll get married and then it will happen …"
"What, what will happen? What are you REALLY afraid of Rachel?"
"Redundancy. If we get together for good I'll end up waking up every morning next to the same man day after day for the rest of my life. Life will become so predictable. Tomorrow will be like today because it was like yesterday. I don't want to die before my life is over. A life of redundancy would kill our relationship because it will kill me."
"Rachel, our time is almost up today but I would like to share just a few thoughts with you. When I am done I will ask you to do a few things between now and our next session, OK?"
"Sure, I can't wait!"
"Good, your enthusiasm shows me that you really want to resolve this issue that you have with fear. Alright, I just wanted to say that much of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are potentially on the threshold of a major, life changing event. It's OK to be afraid; it's actually healthy to be so. Fear is a part of our very being, if we had no fear we would go headfirst into situations without considering the consequences, it would be like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. Healthy fear makes us ask those questions that can save our lives or keep others from being hurt."
She paused and then continued …
"On the other hand we have unhealthy fear, the type that can keep us from living up to our full potential or that can keep us from having full, well-rounded relationships. When fear keeps us from being "us" and causes others hurt and pain it becomes a concern. You and Ross have been through a lot over the last five years and based upon what you've told me so far it is obvious that this unhealthy fear has pained and hurt both of you."
At that point Rachel's counselor turned in her chair and grabbed some papers and a scheduling book off her desk. She continued …
"Rachel, I'd like you do try a few things between now and our next session. First, I would like you to think about what you REALLY want out of life. When you do this you should be as relaxed as possible. I recommend you lay on the couch or on your bed, preferably in subdued lighting. You can have a glass of wine if you like, just so that it relaxes you. Imagine the life you truly desire. I'd like you to write down all you can about the life you want, including who you have in your life."
"Rachel, how long has it been since you talked to Ross?"
"I don't know. It's been weeks I guess."
"It's been that long? How could you avoid talking to him when you live with his sister?"
"It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that."
"Well then, the second thing I would like you to do is to talk to Ross. You don't have to have a deep conversation, just talk to him as you would a friend."
"We are friends, I guess. We used to be best friends until …" Replied Rachel.
"Perhaps you still are best friends and you just don't know it. Can you imagine how he must feel right now? One of the most important people in his life has stopped talking to him and started avoiding him."
"I will. I promise."
"When was the last time you saw Ross?"
Rachel looked down at the floor, speechless.
"Rachel, what's wrong?"
"I just saw him, on the way to your office. He was in the park, with a woman and a little girl."
"How did you feel when you saw him with another woman?"
"After the initial shock wore off I felt jealous, but I remembered that I was the one who left him. I realized that I had no right to him or to be jealous of him dating other women."
"At that moment did you wish that you were the woman that he was with?"
"Yes. I was imagining being the wife in that family with him and the cute little girl."
"Rachel, I would like to end our first session with this: It is not my job to give you advice as to what you should or should not do with your life. I am here as a facilitator. I am here to help you figure things out … for yourself. The answers you seek are in your head and your heart. I'm only here to help YOU figure them out and to help you cope with the adversity that life throws our way sometimes."
Ms. Peterson thought for a second. She considered the ethical implications of her next statement. After considering them she continued …
"Rachel, Ethically and professionally I have to be honest with you. I've been a licensed mental health counselor for many years. In my practice I mostly deal with people who are having relationship problems. I have to ask you this … Is anything that you told me in your history about you and Ross actually true?"
"It's all true. I wouldn't lie. I realize that if I did lie to you that I would only be hurting myself and my chances to beat my fears."
"Rachel, I am truly amazed ..."
"Why, why do you say that?"
"…because the two of you have endured so much together … and you are still very close friends. I think that the two of you have something so very special. I have seen strong marital relationships totally disintegrate under a lot less stress then what the two of you have been through. At times, duress can actually cause a relationship to become stronger. A good example of this is when a loved one is sick or dying. It is a situation very similar to what Ross may be going through now."
And then she considered her last words …
"For your sake and his, don't cut the tie that binds the two of you together unless you are absolutely sure. Goodbye Rachel. I'll see you back in a week."
