Boy Disease 11
Chad watched across the table as Ryan ate his dinner, watched him pick up fries with two fingers and delicately chew each bite, and Chad wondered how in the hell it could be so endearing.
There was something about the way Ryan moved. Or maybe it was watching him wet his lips with his tongue. Or how sitting close, with his legs almost touching Ryan's, made Chad have to take off the zippered sweater he had on because he started to get more than a little warm.
Chad didn't know for sure, but there was definitely something. He watched Ryan and then he couldn't stop watching him.
But the more he stared, the more he felt that something was different about Ryan, and not in the nice, warm way that made Chad feel calm and light and contented. "You're… awfully quiet," Chad said in what he hoped was a casual tone.
Ryan looked up. "Am I?"
Chad nodded and tried to think of why Ryan would act this way. "I'm sorry about earlier."
Ryan dismissively shook his head. "Forgotten."
Fairly certain that Ryan wasn't being entirely truthful, Chad took a different approach. "Is something else wrong?"
Ryan shrugged then took a drink of his tea. "Shar and I have been arguing a lot."
"Why? Because you're not being her beck and call… guy?"
"No. Well, not exactly," Ryan said, rolling his fork on the table. "She thinks…" He looked down and tried again. "She thinks I'm gonna get my heart broken."
Ignoring the vengeful, jealous punch in his chest, Chad swallowed and asked, "Why?"
Ryan started to respond, but shook his head and couldn't say anything.
"You kind of act like you already are… heartbroken," Chad observed, frowning. Ryan looked up and gave him a plastic smile.
Chad pointed at him, "Don't fake smile me."
Ryan rolled his eyes, but had the decency to look guilty.
"Okay," Chad said, propping his elbows on the table and leaning forward. "I'm going to tell you a story,"
"Oh?"
Chad nodded and pushed his almost empty plate out of the way. "There's this boy and he was always really quiet. I don't think anyone paid much attention to him."
Ryan's eyebrows furrowed with concern. "This is a pretty depressing story."
"No, it gets better."
Ryan twirled a french fry, waiting expectantly.
"He never said very much because he has this older sister who loves to boss him around and say everything for him." Ryan raised an eyebrow, but Chad ignored it and continued. "Now, our class had to do this stupid play thing where everyone had to be something and, you know, participate."
"What is it with teachers and participating?" Ryan said.
"I don't know. So, there were animals and knights and," Chad thought for a second and added, "And I think Troy was a wheelbarrow? Anyway, there was a part that was a butterfly who comes to the queen and sings to her so she'll be happy."
Ryan turned slightly pink. "And?"
"And everyone thought his sister or one of the girls was going to be the butterfly, but our teacher decided to give it to the boy who was really quiet. Everyone thought that he wouldn't be able to do it or that he couldn't sing or something crazy like that."
"Yeah, I remember," Ryan said with a small smile, running his finger along the rim of his glass. "Shar was so mad. She wanted to be the butterfly."
Chad laughed. "So, we all got our costumes and did the play and he came out as this bright orange, glittery, winged thing, and then he sang. And the whole class was… shocked," Chad said with a soft, proud smile. "He had this clean voice and was so dedicated to being a happy butterfly. He totally stole the show."
Ryan blushed and bit his lip. "I can not believe you remember that. We were what? Six? Seven?"
"Well, a huge orange butterfly is hard to forget."
"I suppose it is," Ryan agreed.
"It's the first memory I have of you," Chad said, voice warm and gentle.
Ryan looked at him softly. "It is?"
Grinning, Chad nodded. "For the longest time, I thought of you as this sparkly, orange singing thing."
Ryan laughed lightly. "Do you still think of me like that?"
Chad tilted his head and thought for a second. "A little bit." He watched Ryan roll his eyes and turn pinker. "You're bright and shiny. And don't let anyone know just how… amazing you are."
Ryan looked down then slowly at Chad.
"Until the last second, that is," Chad continued. "Then you just blow everyone away. Hit them while they're unsuspecting."
Ryan smirked. "You still fall for it, too."
"What? When?" Chad asked with surprise.
Ryan picked up a french fry and brought it to his mouth. "This summer."
Chad thought quickly and remembered the hot day on the baseball diamond. "Damn! But… you lost then."
Sighing, Ran shook his head. "My team lost," he said and met Chad's eyes. "I think I won."
Chad breathed deeply and wondered if his heart could burst from his chest. Because it definitely felt like it was trying to.
"Now, correct me if I'm wrong," Ryan said after he'd finished the last bit of his garden burger. "But were you or were you not a princess?"
"I was a prince! In… a purple dress."
Ryan laughed. "I thought so."
"Hey, I looked damn fine in a dress."
Ryan snickered and then nodded. "Yes, you did," he said with a hand gesture. "And I think that's the gayest thing you've ever said."
"Give me a minute. I'm sure I can top it."
Ryan laughed again and this time hid his whole face in his hands. "Well," he said once he could breathe. "That one was pretty good, too."
Chad shook his head and laughed with him.
After a deep, cleansing breath, he finished his own burger and then looked at Ryan. "Tell me something."
Ryan pushed his plate to the side. "What?"
"Anything."
Ryan glanced around the restaurant. "Um. I love french fries?"
Giving Ryan a look, Chad picked one up and threw it at him. "Seriously."
"I'm serious!" Ryan giggled and tossed the fry onto his discarded plate. "They're really good with cheese sauce and milkshakes and all sorts of other things I shouldn't eat."
Chad rolled his eyes. "Tell me something else."
"You mean french fries aren't good enough for you?"
"No," Chad shook his head.
"Fine," Ryan thought and sipped his tea.
Chad watched him for a minute and then asked, "What's the deal with you and your dad?"
Looking at him slowly, Ryan set down his cup. "Oh, something like that?"
"Well, I was curious. About earlier."
Ryan sighed, looking at the ceiling and thinking. "Dad… doesn't really know what to do with me. Like how to act or how to… talk to me. He knows how to talk sports with Zeke and how to come to my shows and tell me I did a good job." Pausing for a moment, Ryan toyed with his unused fork. "He tries to support me as best as he knows how. I'm just not anything like him. He's all analytical and business. I think I confuse him." He picked up his drink again and asked, "Does that meet your criteria?"
"Yeah," Chad said with a smile. "Does he know you're…?"
Ryan pressed his lips together and then shrugged.
"You don't know?" Chad asked, unbelieving.
Ryan shook his head. "I've never directly told him. But we don't really talk about anything. And it's one of those things that everyone knows and… no one says anything about."
"Isn't that…" Chad trailed off.
"Sad? Lonely?" Ryan frowned at his empty glass. "Yeah."
Chad let his eyes run over Ryan and wished the table were smaller so he could touch him, reassure him. "But you're still a sparkly, happy butterfly."
Ryan smiled when he looked at Chad. Beaming proudly, Chad nudged Ryan's leg with his own.
"Okay, your turn," Ryan said. "What happened at the game?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why did you get upset?"
Chad sighed with annoyance. "This asshole said… something. It pissed me off."
"Why would he…?" Ryan asked with concern, his leg falling against Chad's under the table.
"So I would get pissed off. Lose focus. I don't know. If I'm remembering him right, last year he used to say things about me and Troy fucking."
Ryan raised an eyebrow. "Charming."
"Mmhmm."
After staring at him for a minute, Ryan asked, "What did he say this time?"
Chad inhaled slowly. "He asked if… my boyfriend gave good head. And called you a slut."
Ryan blinked, clearly surprised. "Your… boyfriend? But I wasn't… We weren't..." He stopped and tried to swallow the trembling out of his tone. "Why on earth would he think that?"
Chad shrugged.
Ryan looked away. "I'm sorry if I did anything. Maybe if I hadn't been there–"
Immediately, Chad reached across the table and covered Ryan's hand. "If you hadn't been there, I couldn't have done it."
Disbelieving, Ryan gave him a skeptical look.
"No, listen. I can play the game, that's no big deal. But," he squeezed Ryan's hand for emphasis. "You keep me focused. And calm. And it's like I can handle anything. Like nothing else is important."
Ryan quietly stared at their hands. "It doesn't bother you? What he said?"
"That he called you a slut? Yeah, that bothered me."
"No, I mean... the other thing."
Chad thought for a minute and raised an eyebrow. "You giving me head?" he asked with a growing smirk.
Ryan pulled his hand away, shaking his head and looking anywhere but at Chad. "No... I. The... the boyfriend. Thing."
Chad tipped his head, looking sideways at Ryan. "You're blushing. Like, a lot."
"You," Ryan took a deep breath and swallowed. "Look damn fine in a dress."
Grinning, Chad felt fluttering in his chest, his cheeks turning hot.
Ryan laughed and quipped, "You're cute when you blush."
Chad's heart skipped. "I… really? You think so?"
Biting his lower lip, Ryan looked down. "Actually, it's… never mind."
Trying to convince himself that he didn't desperately want Ryan to mean what he had said, Chad asked, "So, the boyfriend thing?"
Ryan nodded.
Staring for a minute, Chad shrugged. "I've been called a lot of things. 'Gay' is one of the better ones."
With a subdued smile, Ryan slid his hand back onto the table toward Chad's side, letting Chad cover it with his own.
Squeezing Ryan's fingers before he had to let them go, Chad asked, "So, you ready to leave?"
"Yeah," Ryan said. "There's a place I want to show you."
"Really? Where?"
Picking up his car keys, Ryan smiled. "You'll see."
Ryan drove half an hour out of Albuquerque up and into the eastern mountains, stopping when they were high enough to view all of the glowing city. He slid out of the car, making sure to wrap Chad's sweatshirt close around his body.
Chad smiled at the gesture, loving the idea of Ryan being enveloped in his clothes. He followed the other boy, leaning on the front of the bright yellow car. "So, what is this place?"
"Actually, it's Shar's favorite make out spot." Ryan said in an informative fashion.
Amused, Chad raised an eyebrow. "You brought me to a make out spot?"
"Well, I like it, too. But I've never brought anyone up here. Especially for that."
"That's a shame," Chad smirked.
"You have no idea."
Chad laughed and elbowed Ryan's arm, then rested slightly against him. "I've never seen the city so…"
"Bright?"
"Orange, actually." Chad watched Ryan laugh, very aware that Ryan also leaned into him. "So, why here?"
"I don't know," Ryan shrugged. "I wanted to show you."
"No, I mean, why do you like it?"
"You want a simple answer or do you want me to get poetic?"
Chad laughed. "Well, the poetic would be funny. And I'd get to tease you about it later."
Ryan rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "It's just… quiet. And away from everything."
"Hmph, that was boring."
"What, you want me to say it's… aglow with the light of a million fairies?" Ryan asked with a bright grin.
"If you did," Chad said, watching the city lights flicker. "I wouldn't believe you."
"Why's that?"
"You're not glowing," Chad smirked.
Giving him a look, Ryan shook his head. "I might be a fairy, but I can still… hire someone to kick your butt."
Chad turned to Ryan and gave him his best smile. "You wouldn't want to kick my ass yourself?"
"Nah," Ryan said, inspecting his hand. "I'd have to get my nails redone."
"Dude," Chad doubled over laughing, shaking his head. "Don't say that. You sound like your sister."
Ryan chuckled. "That is scary."
Standing up, Chad pressed his side back against Ryan's. "Seriously though, I've seen you glow."
Ryan raised an eyebrow, but smiled. "Really."
Chad nodded. "Mmhmm. Brighter than the whole city."
Sighing, Ryan stared off at the distant lights. "Then you must bring it out in me."
"Really?" Chad asked earnestly, turning his head toward Ryan. "I make you that happy?"
Ryan looked at him with a soft smile. "You do," he said simply.
Chad worked on ignoring how much he wanted to wrap his arm around Ryan and instead, focused on the city that seemed a million miles away. "Do you," he started. "Think about what will happen after graduation?"
"Yeah. Sometimes."
"Do you think it's true what they say?" Chad asked in a low voice. "That you lose touch with everyone from high school?"
"I don't know," Ryan answered and turned his head. "Why?"
"I always thought about it. Or I thought about it when we got to high school. You know, what would happen to me and Troy and the guys. And I guess everyone now."
Taking a moment to glance around at the trees and the open night sky, Ryan asked, "You… worried?"
Chad thought about it and shrugged. "Maybe. I haven't felt much like group time, though. Not in ages anyway. Which is weird, isn't it? They're my friends and it's like I don't… fit in with them."
Ryan rested his hand on Chad's arm. "It's hard feeling like that."
Chad looked down at Ryan's hand. "You feel like that, too."
"Was that a question or a statement?" Ryan smiled coyly.
"Both?" Chad smiled. "When I asked you if you felt left out, it's this sort of thing, isn't it? Like you feel out of place and that you don't belong. For whatever reason."
Ryan stared at him for a moment, concern and something that looked a lot like confusion in his eyes. "Why do you feel like that?
"I don't know," Chad said, emphasizing it with a head shake. "I mean, it's okay when it's me and the guys. When it's everyone, it just feels weird."
"They are all… paired off? Is that how you described them? That could make it weird. Especially if it's always been just 'you and the guys.'"
Sighing, Chad shrugged. "I don't know." Deciding not to think about it anymore, he turned to Ryan and asked, "Do you worry about losing your friends after high school?"
Looking back at the city, Ryan answered lightly, "Not really."
"You don't?" Chad turned to him. "Like, not at all?"
Ryan shifted, moving his hand back to his own arm. "Shar is the one I'm closest to. I spend the most time with my family. I won't lose them because of graduation."
Chad's eyebrows furrowed. "But… there's no one at school?"
"Well," Ryan said. "Kelsi and I have always gotten along. And I talk with Gabriella – when Troy isn't around because it upsets him."
Frowning, Chad resisted the urge to grasp Ryan's arm or turn him and make Ryan look at him. "No one else you'd want to keep contact with?"
"No, I'd like to keep in touch with everyone," Ryan corrected, finally meeting Chad's gaze. "But I'm not close to them they way you are."
Quietly, Chad asked, "There isn't anyone you'd miss?"
Ryan rubbed his hands over the sleeves of the sweatshirt he was wearing, smile soft and knowing. After a minute, he tilted his head and pressed his elbow against Chad. "I'd miss you," he grinned.
Unable to hide his relief, Chad breathed thankfully.
"Come on," Ryan said, playfully pushing Chad's upper arm. "You know I would. I meant it when I said I adore you." Ryan let his hand linger, warm and gentle on Chad's arm. "You're my… you're my best friend."
Sighing heavily, Chad figured to hell with it and pulled Ryan into a hug, needing him close.
Chad held him for a long moment, reveling in the warmth he felt all over and inside. When he finally let go, he was disturbed that he couldn't read the expression in those blue eyes.
Ryan closed his eyes and covered his mouth as he yawned. "Sorry."
Wanting to keep contact, Chad ran his hands over Ryan's arms. "Am I boring you already?"
Grinning, Ryan shook his head. "No, but it's late, or early, and I didn't have caffeine. You did."
"You want to head back?"
"No," Ryan admitted, fingers smoothing the ribs in the sweater Chad was wearing. "But we probably should."
Chad frowned, knowing Ryan was probably right. "Fine. But… wait. Do you want to stay with me?"
"Here?" Ryan asked with wrinkled eyebrows.
"No, I mean at my house. Do you want to stay the night?"
Ryan blinked several times and stared at him. "You… want me to?"
"Yeah," Chad nodded.
Ryan still stared. "Really?"
"Yes," Chad laughed, light and quick. "I have Troy and Zeke and Jason over all the time."
Ryan glanced away and wet his lips with his tongue.
Chad frowned a little. "You don't have to. If. If you don't want to."
"No, that's not it," Ryan shook his head. "I just… haven't done that in..." Ryan bit his lip, thinking intensely. "I can't even remember. Maybe never."
Chad watched him, trying to look persuasive. "You want to?"
Sighing, Ryan tried to make his words work. "Yes, but…"
"Then what's the problem."
Ryan shrugged. "You're… sure?"
Chad smiled and squeezed Ryan's arms. "Yes."
Sighing, Ryan thought for another minute. "I'll call my mom." He held up his keys. "You want to drive?"
Beaming, Chad took the keys and felt like bouncing.
