Trapped in Severus's pocket, Lily swayed back and forth as he strode through the castle. She couldn't see where they were going, but if he believed she was a spider, it couldn't be anywhere good. Was he planning to chop her up and use her for Potions ingredients or something?
Terrified by the thought, she used her spindly legs to push against the top of the vial. It was a futile effort. Her only other hope was that she'd find another animal to switch to in time to save herself, but what if she didn't? Was she destined to die tonight, without anyone knowing she'd been alive all this time?
After what seemed like forever, Severus finally came to a stop, withdrawing the vial from his pocket and setting it on a table. Lily cringed, expecting the worst, but he merely stepped away, shedding his outer robes as he went.
Despite her fears, she gazed with interest at the sitting room, which was small and simply furnished. There was a comfortable looking armchair in front of the fireplace, which was flanked on either side by bookshelves, and a few tables scattered here and there. On the opposite wall, a pair of doors lay open to reveal a bedroom and bathroom, making it clear these were his private quarters.
It seemed odd now, but she'd never had any idea where the professors slept. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind during her school years. Perhaps that was true for most students, but she'd felt close to her teachers, particularly McGonagall and Flitwick. So why had it never bothered her that she'd known almost nothing about them? Why had she never thought to ask?
That was the hardest thing about being back at Hogwarts. It made her realize how much she'd taken for granted, how shallow most of her relationships had been. She didn't know which of her teachers had been married, where they'd spent their summers, or what they'd liked to do outside the classroom. And what about her friends? Other than Severus, who'd had little tolerance for "silly prattle", most of her conversations had revolved around weekend plans or idle gossip. Even James had rarely discussed anything meaningful with her, nor had she expected him to do so.
A depressing thought, though she had little time to dwell on it as Severus strode back into the room. He'd already removed his robes, followed by his heavy frock coat, boots and socks, leaving nothing except his trousers and a snowy white undershirt that was already half unbuttoned. She wanted to look away. Really, she did. But she couldn't help her curiosity, especially since she'd never actually seen him naked. An unfortunate flash of graying underpants once, but that was all. He'd never even taken his shirt off in her presence.
There was no trace of modesty now, though he also had no reason to believe he wasn't alone. He couldn't have known she was watching as his shirt fell apart, revealing an intriguing glimpse of bare chest. Without hesitation, he shrugged it off, draping it over a nearby chair.
Severus bore little resemblance to James, who'd had the sturdy physique of an athlete. But Lily hardly thought that was a bad thing as she admired the lean, graceful lines of his body. To her surprise, he wasn't scrawny like she'd always assumed. He was all muscle, from the subtle ridges of his abdomen to the firmness in his arms and shoulders. A bit too thin, perhaps, but that did nothing to detract from the overall impression of strength.
After a moment, he abruptly turned around, presenting her with his bare back. Her eyes widened as she stared at the scars. There were at least a dozen of them, silvery ridges standing out in sharp relief against his pale skin. Had his father done that to him? She'd known the Snape household had been a brutal place to live, even though Severus had refused to speak of it beyond the occasional vague comment. But beaten so savagely that he still had scars two decades later? How had he ever managed to hide… ?
But then she lost her train of thought as he unfastened his trousers, letting them fall to the floor. There was no show of dingy underpants this time, only an appealing flash of bare backside as he bent over to pick up his clothing.
Look away! she told herself, but it was no use. She couldn't tear her eyes away as he turned and walked over to the table. And then there it was – the one part of him she'd never expected to see.
It was huge! Of course, she might not have been proportionally correct in that conclusion due to her tiny size, but that hardly mattered. All she knew was that her entire line of vision was suddenly dominated by penis. She felt mortified, but still couldn't force herself to avert her eyes, or close them, or do anything aside from stare in rapt fascination. Despite herself, the sight of all that naked flesh brought on a new onslaught of questions. Did he ever have sex? If so, with whom? What kind of lover was he? Was he quick and to the point as James had been? Or was he like the men in the romance novels Marlene had kept hidden in her trunk, slow and sensual, never stopping until he knew a woman was satisfied?
Shame on you, Lily! She tried to force her thoughts in a less explicit direction, then surrendered with a sigh of defeat. It wasn't her fault. Not really. She was still technically human, after all, and while physical cravings weren't an issue in her current form, the emotional longing was always there. To be held… to be touched… just to be close to someone again.
Still, she couldn't understand why she was feeling this way about Severus, of all people. He'd been her best friend, someone she would've never even considered becoming involved with. The very thought of it was absurd.
But then again, perhaps it wasn't. What she'd felt for him had been both bewildering and intense, especially near the end of their friendship. And while she'd sworn that their relationship was purely platonic, there was no denying there'd been an underlying attraction. That pleasant fluttering in her stomach when he'd gazed at her from across the Great Hall? Feeling irritated with him for hours whenever she'd seen him talking to another girl? The signs had been there all along, even if she'd chosen to ignore them.
Was that why it had hurt so much when she'd severed their friendship? Had she fallen in love with Severus without even realizing it? After all, hearing him shout the word "Mudblood" would've been so much worse under those circumstances, a harsh rejection of her feelings before she'd even had the chance to speak them aloud. That word had symbolized all the walls between them, obstacles he hadn't placed there by accident but through conscious choice. And in the end, lashing out at her in such a public way had told her the only thing she'd needed to know. He'd been ashamed to have her defend him, ashamed to be rescued by someone he no longer saw as an equal.
Yes, he'd broken her heart that day. But even when she'd refused his apologies, she'd thought of it as a friend's betrayal, unwilling to acknowledge it as anything more. Throughout all those nights of crying herself to sleep, followed by weeks and months of hollow sadness, she'd failed to recognize the truth.
Perhaps, in the end, it had simply been too painful to do so.
Well, it hardly mattered now. That was all in the past. Here in the present, she was in the presence of a naked and reasonably attractive man for the first time in over a decade. Naturally, that was bound to stir up certain… desires. But that had nothing to do with Severus himself, nor what she might have felt for him in her younger years. They were both adults now, little more than strangers. How could she have feelings for him when she didn't even know him anymore?
And then all rational thought fell to the wayside as a groan emerged from the bathroom, low pitched and filled with tension. She looked up, surprised to find that he'd entered the shower while she'd been lost in thought. She studied his silhouette on the curtain, noticing he was slumped forward with one hand braced against the wall. He groaned a second time and she stared at him in concern, wondering if he was hurt or ill. But then her gaze drifted lower, her eyes growing wide as she realized what he was doing.
"Mmmm… "
If she'd been in human form, she would've blushed to the roots of her hair.
His hips began to move, thrusting in perfect time with his clenched fist. Slow at first, and then he picked up speed, faster and harder until his motions were little more than a shadowed blur. He started to pant, harsh, rasping sounds that were deeply primal, filled with the desperate need for release.
Shut your eyes, Lily. Turn around. Give the man a little privacy.
But now more than ever, she couldn't do it. She was captivated, almost hypnotized as he continued to lose control. Besides, turning away would be pointless. She'd still be able to hear him, which seemed far more intimate somehow.
"Fuck," he half panted, half snarled, his motions even swifter now, almost brutal in their determination. And then at last, he threw his head back, shuddering from head to toe as he climaxed with a wordless cry of triumph.
He seemed stunned in the aftermath, slumped against the wall as if he needed a few minutes to recover. He wasn't the only one. Lily wasn't innocent, exactly, but she'd never seen any man seek his pleasure with that kind of intensity. James had been much more restrained, at least with her. Sweet and gentle, sometimes a little awkward. Perhaps he'd been different on his own, locked away in the bathroom with a magazine when her advanced pregnancy had left her in no mood for sex. But somehow, she couldn't imagine him doing it as Severus had, utterly focused and with such fierce determination.
Really, if she was this impressed over a quick wank in the shower, what would it be like to…
Stop it, Lily.
When Severus came out of the bathroom, he was completely composed, his features fixed in the same mask of stoicism he'd worn earlier that day. His release appeared to have had no effect on him whatsoever – no softening in his expression, the tension having already returned to his body. Even as he stalked to his bedroom, discarding the towel around his waist before pulling a nightshirt over his head, his motions were guarded, as if he expected to be attacked at any moment.
Why? What had happened since she'd last seen him to make him this way?
Then again, was it really so different than before? He'd always shown a great deal of caution in his demeanor. It was only the expression of that caution that had changed. As a boy, he'd hidden behind a curtain of hair, slouching in on himself in a desperate attempt to escape notice. As a man, he faced the world with his shoulders straight and his head held high, as if daring even the most dangerous enemy to oppose him.
From the bedroom, she heard the creaking of a bed frame and a muttered "Nox", followed by silence. Nothing unusual about that. What surprised her was what happened a few minutes later, a sudden curse followed by the padding of bare feet across the floor. Severus entered the study again, looking drowsy as he headed for the table. He picked up the vial, inspecting her with a massive black eye before removing the stopper and setting her back down again.
With that, he grunted in satisfaction and went straight back to bed.
It wasn't freedom – the glass walls were still too slick for her to scale. But it was clearly an act of mercy, a conscious decision to spare her the agony of a slow suffocation, even though she was nothing more than a spider in his eyes. And for some reason, that, more than anything else she'd seen since her return to Hogwarts, told her a great deal about the man he'd become.
Attracted to him… yes, she supposed she was on some level. Not that it mattered, since she couldn't have acted on it even if she'd wanted to.
The next day, Severus brought Lily to his private laboratory. Small yet impressive, the room was filled with expensive equipment, flanked on all sides by towering shelves that held hundreds of ingredients in carefully labeled jars. Under any other circumstances, she would've been fascinated. For the moment, however, she only felt an impending sense of doom, quite sure her time had come.
But then she was given another reprieve as a bell tinkled, followed by a muttered curse from Severus as he set her down and stormed out. He slammed the door behind him, so hard that the vial teetered precariously on the edge of the counter before shattering all over the floor.
Lily didn't hesitate. She fled from the laboratory, passing through what appeared to be an office. Soon enough, she was back in the Potions classroom, stopping in her tracks as she came face to face with a huge, malevolent looking toad.
It was too late to escape – one flick of its tongue, and she was devoured whole.
She wasn't surprised by the darkness, nor the feeling that the world was fading away. But then she felt a shift – not painful, just disorienting for the first few seconds, before she settled into a newfound awareness. She opened her eyes in amazement, realizing the enormity of what had just happened. The toad hadn't killed her, only the spider she'd inhabited. Her soul was as safe as ever, having simply transferred to a new body.
Immortal? Not exactly. She knew she was growing older, could feel it with each passing year. But this new discovery certainly made her position less precarious, filling her with newfound hope. It meant she had a good chance of seeing Harry grow up after all… that she might even be able to help him along the way.
With this thought in mind, she spent the remainder of the school year in Gryffindor Tower, fussed over by a boy named Neville as she quietly watched over her son.
