Location: Quidditch Pitch and Gryffindor Common Room
WEEK SEVEN of 7th YEAR
I was slightly worried.
After the whole ordeal of helping Lily with her essay, talking for a good three hours, and having her actually listen to me, I came to a conclusion.
I liked her better than Haley. Now, I should say that I wasn't overly shocked by this. Haley and I had been a little rocky for weeks. Even at our best, we didn't really know each other all that well. We got together because it would be mutually beneficial, and we both sort of liked the other person. As our relationship continued, I realized that there wasn't really a lot of chemistry or compatibility between us. I was determined to keep it going, but I was quite sure it wouldn't be a long term relationship.
But this discovery, while unsurprising, was unwelcome. Somehow, Lily had become one of my best friends. I suppose it was from all the time we spent together in the conjoined rooms, and for head duties. However it happened, though, we became friends, and I was glad we did. My relationship with Lily had always been extremely complicated. For years one through three, there was a mutual hatred between us. She hated me because I, well, acted like a 12 year old boy. I hated her as well, but it was less because of her personality, and more because of her company. By fourth year, I stopped letting that influence my opinion and started to see her for who she was. This was when our relationship (or lack there of, to this point) really took a nosedive. I decided to become obsessed with annoying her, for the general purpose of getting her to notice me. Brilliant idea, no? Looking back, I want to slap myself. But it seemed logical. I became an arrogant, selfish prick, and she rightly hated me for it. I was so intent on showing her my intellectual, dueling, and magical capabilities, that I became ruthless and obnoxious. This behavior of mine reached its apex at the end of fifth year. After that, I took a good, long, hard look at my personality. I was appalled at the truth I found. Throughout the summer, I tried to fix my personality, much to Sirius's dismay. He sort of understood what I was saying, but he was much less desiring to change. Finally, when September 1st rolled around, I was alright with who I was. Not thrilled, and not disgusted, just alright. All that year I continually worked to become better, and I was thrilled when Lily noticed. We became tentative friends throughout that year, and I praised Merlin every day that she had such a large capacity for forgiveness. Our friendship continued, and I was very firm with myself that I would not let myself fall for her. Part of the reason she hated me before was that I had a crush on her. If I let that continue, I would just embarrass her and remind her of the old days. I had to be over her. I had no choice. This was Lily we were talking about.
But that was the problem now. This was Lily. I loved her back when she hated me. Now that she was acting like my friend, treating me like a person, and being with me, I had no chance. I was going to fall. If I'm going to be honest, I already had a long time ago.
Back then, I loved her superficially. I think I understood that I could love her, like, super proper love her, but I didn't know how. Now that I was older, I saw what some part deep inside of me had seen before. She was intelligent, and witty. She was vivacious and had a real zeal for life. But most importantly, she was compassionate and completely willing to give up everything for others. In a time of war, that was something to be respected on the highest level. It was a trait Remus possessed to the highest degree. Sirius, through all his faults, was also loyal as a hound. She had courage, and a fight inside her that stemmed from a loving of people. And I loved her for it.
And it was okay that I loved her. I loved a lot of people. I loved my parents, and Sirius, and Remus, and even eventually all the teachers. Loving wasn't a problem. It was the whole, 'I liked her and I loved her' thing. And the fact that I liked her and loved her more than my girlfriend.
It was just...there was so much history between Lily and I. There was so much that we could talk about; we had so much in common. There was a long time compatibility and understanding that we had, that I would never be able to have with Haley. She also liked my friends, which was a huge plus.
Normally, I would immediately break up with my girlfriend if I realized I liked another girl. But this was Lily. Breaking up with Haley would have no real purpose. Lily had made it extremely clear many, many times that she would never, ever, want anything romantic to do with me. If I broke up with Haley, it wouldn't before for Lily. It would never be for Lily, because I could never have her. It would be utterly pointless. So, with this illuminating moment came the realization that I would be pining my way through seventh year, which wasn't optimal at all. I didn't want to spend the entire year with unrequited love. So, I made a plan. I would continue to date Haley, and put all of my energy into being a good boyfriend. I would refuse to acknowledge my feelings, and force my feelings into Haley.
I wasn't all that optimistic about this plan (because, even as I made it, I realized it was stupid and impossible), but I decided to put it into action right away anyway, starting with the first Quidditch match of the season. It was against Slytherin, and it was extremely important that we win. I was feeling slightly nervous, but that usually just put my nerves on alert, which wasn't a bad thing. I was on my way over to the Gryffindor common room to meet up with Haley before the game, in a rather pathetic effort to embrace her as my girlfriend instead of let her slip on by. On my way, I ran into Lily. She smiled at me as we fell into step.
"Hey, James. Ready to win?" She asked.
"Hi Lily. Yes, of course. I always am." I tried to sound confident, but I was sure she didn't quite buy it. I decided to change the topic. "Why are you headed this way?"
"To see if Sirius has left for the pitch yet. He usually hangs around the common room before games, doesn't he?"
"Yeah, he should be there." Sirius...waiting for Lily. I wondered if I should be concerned about that.
"Why are you going this way? Shouldn't you be headed down to the pitch, oh captain, my captain?" I smiled slightly at her.
"I was going to meet up with Haley first." Haley had been happy to hear about my endeavor to spend more time with her. Probably happier than I was. Definitely happier than Sirius. He actually broke a lamp when I told him.
"Oh." She was apparently out of topics, as was I, but I was happy to walk in comfortable silence. I sometimes grew slightly weary of small talk. It was several minutes before I talked again, and it was only to compliment her.
"I like your house pride." She always was spirited, but for some reason, I had never thought to compliment her. Where was my brain when I was 15?
"I'm not entirely sure if you're making fun of me or not. I'll take it as a compliment." She said, surprising me.
"As it was meant!" I said, trying to convince her. She wasn't going to misconstrue that into an insult just like Haley, right? Was that just a girl trait?
"Well, thank you, then." She said. She let it die, but I wasn't totally convinced that she believed me, which bothered me more than it should have.
"Honestly, Lily, it's awesome." I said as we walked through the portrait hole. I was watching her to gauge her expression, and by her flushed face, I was finally satisfied that she believed me. I looked forward to see Haley, who was standing in the middle of the room with a hard look on her face. I gulped and left Lily behind, ready to face my girlfriend alone.
"Hi, Haley. What's up?"
"I told you that I don't want you to be alone with her." She said in lieu of a greeting.
"And I told you that that is not only impossible due to our housing arrangement, but also ridiculous. There is nothing going on there, anyway." Nothing mutual, anyway.
"I don't like it, James."
"Well, I don't like what you're wearing." I said without thinking. By the hurt look on her face, I knew I made a mistake. Before I could apologize, she cut me off.
"This is what I was talking about before, James. I make a huge effort to look nice for you, and you don't appreciate it at all."
"I know. I'm sorry. I am. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I do appreciate you. It's just...can't you show a little house pride? I am the captain, and you don't even look like you're supporting me." She stared at me for a minute in silence. I was starting to get uncomfortable.
"Like Lily?" She said.
"What?" I asked, taken off guard.
"You want me to show house pride, like Lily? There's nothing going on there, huh?" With that, she turned around and walked out. I wasn't sure if I was to blame or not, but I was feeling a little winded and like a complete failure on my 'appreciate Haley more' venture. I turned to find Sirius, hoping for a word of encouragement before the game, but he and Lily had already left. I sighed, feeling lonely and a bit abandoned.
That feeling was completely gone about four hours later. My team had destroyed Slytherin, with a healthy tripling of their score. I had managed to score a good portion of the goals too, which I was proud of. Most of them were due to Slytherin's keeper being completely incompetent, but I still was willing to take the win. I was down on the field celebrating with my teammates when Haley came onto the field. She had changed into a Gryffindor shirt and scarf, which made me feel incredibly guilty and fond of her. As she jumped into my arms, I whispered "Thank you." She was obviously making an effort, and it meant a lot to me. She hated Quidditch, yet she sat through the entire game for me, and even had somehow found a Gryffindor shirt despite her different house. In an effort to make amends, I kept her close to me all night. She loved being showed off.
Unfortunately, this keeping close of Haley also meant the keeping away from Sirius, Remus, and Lily, as they wouldn't hang out with us both. I wanted to talk to them, but they all disappeared before I had the chance. When I saw Lily's red hair walk out the portrait hole, I was more than a little disappointed. Still and all, she wasn't my girlfriend, and it would do me no good to pretend that she was. So I stayed with my girlfriend, and pretended I was completely satisfied it was Haley.
