OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(
Chapter 11: They'll Never Take Him Go Back Alive
Ōnoki of Both Scales, the Third Tsuchikage of Iwagakure sat in his office staring at the folder he'd just been handed by his most trusted ANBU, Pebble.
"Sir, this is Shiro Ichimaru's report." Pebble reported monotonously, indicating the thin folder.
"He's back already?" Ōnoki asked, eye brows raised in questioning. Truth be told, he was impressed.
"At least he made it back." Pebble seemed to mutter before Ōnoki's sharp "What was that?" pulled him back to attention.
"I was just remarking on his skills given none of our other operatives have ever returned from Konoha alive to give a report Tsuchikage-sama." Pebble stated confidently.
"Yes, I see." Ōnoki nodded before finally opening the folder to take a peak inside. "Now let's take a look here… it says here that upon his arrival Ichimaru was somehow recognised by the chunin guards before he was let inside Konoha anyway. The chunin mentioned something about an 'anime' handbook, episodes and someone named Kishimoto, whoever the hell that is. Then it says he checked into his hotel, looked up some leads and had a meeting with Kakashi Hatake… which turned out to be a lesson on reading porn in public or something. Hatake then proceeded to… assault an ANBU anally with a secret finger jutsu before Ichimaru retreated to witness a… Abomination against Nature. He was then halted by another shinobi who left him alone again to deal with the… Abomination against Nature. Is this right?" Ōnoki asked, eyeing the information speculatively. It couldn't be right, surely. There must be a mistake somewhere!
"Yes sir." Pebble said, seemingly confirming the impossible. "We have confirmed with our mind-jutsu experts that the report is valid and very much true. It was actually written by the shinobi conducting Ichimaru's mental evaluations upon his return as Ichimaru refused to 'revisit the memories'. Personally sir, I'd say he's rather traumatised and his evaluator also seems rather… unsettled by what he saw in Ichimaru's mind."
"Hm. From then on it says he then accidently ate someone's dango which resulted in millions of dollars' worth in property damage, the partial destruction of the Hokage monument, the injuries of three civilians, two academy students and one jonin as well as the deaths of twenty seven civilians and nearly sixty shinobi! What the hell? Ichimaru was admitted into Konoha General Hospital with six broken bones, a concussion, a punctured lung, three missing toes, four stab wounds and… does this really say a kunai up the ass?" Ōnoki queried, both awed and a little disgusted by the revelations.
"Yes sir, it does." Pebble nodded.
"He really…"
"Yes sir."
"And he's still alive?" Ōnoki asked.
"Yes sir." Pebble confirmed.
"Fuck." Ōnoki muttered before turning back to the report. "It says he was then questioned by Jiraiya of the Sannin about the location of the Fifth Hokage Tsunade before he… started to dance. The Sannin was subsequently thrown out of the ICU ward and beaten near to death by a scary pink haired girl rumoured to be the apprentice of the aforementioned Fifth Hokage. Ichimaru escaped from the hospital which proved to be simple enough until he came to the attention of Ibiki Morino. He then fled only to come into contact with… the YELLOW FLASH!?" Ōnoki bellowed, staring at the report with fury and a bit of fear.
"Sir?" Pebble asked, shifting uncomfortably as Ōnoki's Killing Intent rose to the surface.
"THAT CURSED-YELLOW-BASTARD-OF-A-YONDAIME-HOKAGE IS ALIVE!" The old Tsuchikage screamed in rage.
"It has been speculated that there may have been a high powered jutsu involved Tsuchikage-sama." Pebble interrupted. "With Ichimaru's injuries at the time he may not have been in a state to recognise one powerful enough."
"I see… it then states that he made a tactical retreat before making his way here." Ōnoki said, reading the rest of the report carefully.
"Yes sir."
"…Those Hidden Leaf bastards sure are crafty…" Ōnoki muttered to himself.
"Tsuchi-" Pebble began to reply to the unspoken questions on the Tsuchikage's face when he was interrupted by the sound of horrendously loud laughter and screaming.
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIIIIIIVE!" The words were roared at the top of ones lungs before something flew by the Tsuchikage's window resulting in a CRASH from below. Silence followed before Ōnoki asked the most obvious question.
"What was that?"
Pebble stared, about to admit that he was just as clueless as his Kage when another Anbu, Boulder, leaped out of the shadows to whisper in Pebble's ear. His eyes widening from behind his mask, Pebble replied to the Tsuchikage's question.
"Shiro Ichimaru, sir." He reported to his leader.
"And, why did he just jump off one of the higher level floors of the Tsuchikage Tower?" The Third Tsuchikage demanded.
"As far as our shinobi can tell, Councilwoman Baoji approached Ichimaru about the possibility of returning to Konoha to spy for the good of Iwagakure." Pebble explained carefully as Boulder returned to the shadows having relayed all known information. "I believe his response was, and I quote, 'You'll never take me alive' before he started cackling madly. He then proceeded to jump out the nearest window to his death."
"Oh." Ōnoki murmured. There wasn't really much else to say.
A/N: Well, that was it. Thankyou to all of my reviewers and my readers: I LOVE YOU ALL! Oh, and don't forget to tell me what you think!
Cheers :)
