DW: I would like to thank DarkPaladinmon, Nukid, matt0044, Slop Doggy, airnaruto45, Amber Pegasus, Sgt. Reynol, Jean Kazuhiza and Some6teenguy for reviewing!
Anyways guys, this is my first non-anime review and for the very first time, I changed my name Anime Critic to the Mercenary Critic after I've decided to review other things besides animes. So I hope you all enjoy my first non-anime review!
Chapter 11: Batthan's Ash Hood
We see DW, covering his face with both hands. He then removes his hands and shakes his head at the camera sadly.
"I've…got…nothing." DW said. "I have absolutely nothing. I mean…what the hell am I suppose to say?" He shrugs with a frown. "BATTHAN'S ASH HOOD!"
He paused for a few seconds before continuing, "Does the name 'Batthan' already tell you it's going to be a BAD fanfiction?"
He leans back on his chair and shakes his head in disbelief. He still couldn't believe he's going to have to sit through and review this fanfiction today. He turns back to the camera.
"I feel raped! Okay? I feel honest of God RAPED by this fanfiction. It is THAT BAD! There's no originality, the casting is poor….EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS HORRIBLE!" DW said in disgust. "Show the credits, let's get started!"
Batthan's Ash Hood Review
(We see several scenes from the story)
"It's um…it's…well…it's um…"
DW shakes his head and shrugs, completely unsure of what to say about the fanfic. "It's gonna hurt. I'm not gonna lie to you; it's really really going to hurt. So, why waste anymore time just talking about it? Oh I can think of a few reasons. But let's just review this story anyways…." DW smiles nervously. "Be VERY AFRAID."
(We see Batthan's avatar)
"First, let's talk about Batthan. Batthan AKA Ethan Tidwell has now been known by many authors as the Uwe Boll of fanmakes. Not only that, he's also the biggest Gary-Stu on this site as well. I mean, take a look at his profile!
(We see Batthan's profile)
"Species: Half-human, Half-Saiyan and Half-Vampire? First of all, that's three halves and second, are you saying that Batthan is a fan of Dragonball AND Twilight? His physical appearance: Shoes similar like Shadow's and wears a necklace with a bat emblem with yellow outline which it is from Batman on it? Is this guy even trying to be original?"
"Personality: A lot like Shadow and Maxwell Smart. Friendly, very funny, very serious and calm. Ah…a main protagonist who is BOTH funny and serious. We never see a protagonist like that before! Except Monkey D. Luffy, Goku, Himura Kenshin, Naruto Uzumaki, Natsu Dragneel, Ichigo Kurosaki, and Nukid. How original you are, Batthan, HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL!"
"Anyways, let's take a look at some of his stories, shall we? His stories include such masterpieces as…"
(We see several covers of Batthan's stories)
"The Sailor Scout of Notre Dame…Amyladdin…The Coordinator Queen…The Great Author Detective…The Little Trainer…Toon Fantasy 7: Saiyan Children, YES GUYS, he also attempted making an Advent Children fanmake, my FUCKING God…and of course, Ash Hood."
We cut back to DW.
"So, to take a break from reviewing bad animes, I'm going to review a bad fanmake. What makes Ash Hood such an abomination? Let's take a look at…the cast chapter."
Robin Hood… Ash Ketchum (Pokemon)
"Okay…I guess…" DW said.
Little John… Buzz Lightyear (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)
"What the fuck? Buzz Lightyear, one of my childhood characters, as a fat and dumb sidekick?"
Extra... Shadow the Hedgehog (Sonic X) & Batthan a.k.a Ethan (me)
"Ah yes, extras. What's a fanmake without them? Or maybe it's just a lame excuse for Batthan to include himself in this fanmake."
Maid Marian… Kari Kamiya (Digimon)
"Kari as Mirian. That's okay. Except one problem, how can Ash and Kari pair up with each other when they are not even from the same show?"
Extra... Alyssalioness94 a.k.a Alyssa ( Alyssalioness94) & Zoey (Pokemon)
"Ah yes, Zoey. The girl's Batthan is freaking obsessed with. You know Batthan, it's okay to be obsessed with a character you like but don't try to keep using him/her OVER and OVER again in every story you write. Otherwise, you're making the character look, oh I don't know, overrated?"
Lady Cluck... Mira Nova (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)
"My love for Toy Story has already been raped twice."
Friar Tuck... Commander Nebula (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)
"Make that thrice."
Prince John… Dr. Ivo Robotnik (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
Sir Hiss... Kaa the python (Disney)
"Okay Batthan. Have you run out of ideas or something? You're using a Disney character…in a Disney fanmake!"
Sheriff… Scratch (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
Guards... Butch, Jessie, James, Meowth (Pokemon), Broly, Jeice, Recoome, Burter (Dragonball Z), Zilly, & Klunck (Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines)
"Oh yeah! Because we REALLY need to know who are playing the minor characters that we don't care at all."
Nutsy... Coconuts (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
Trigger... Grounder (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
Crocodile... Dick Dastardly (Wacky Races)
Sexton and Mother Mouse... Miles 'Tails' Prower (Sonic X) & Erinbubble92 a.k.a Erin ( Erinbubble92)
"Okay, did you ask Erin's permission before you cast her into the story?"
Allan-a-Dale… Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes)
"WHAT? BUGS FUCKING BUNNY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! YOU DARE RAPE ONE OF THE GREATEST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME?"
The kids... Goten (Dragonball Z), May, Max, & Brock (Pokemon)
Kids' mother... Caroline (Pokemon)
Otto... The Little Green Men a.k.a the L.G.M (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)
"Thanks Batthan. I'm glad you think we are all morons."
King Richard... Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic X)
"And that was the 'wonderful' cast chapter, everyone!" DW said. "So now, let's take a look at…" DW sighed. "Batthan's Ash Hood."
"So our story begins with a prologue."
Long ago, good King Sonic the Hedgehog of Toon Town departed for the holy land on a great crusade.
"Probbaly because he's aware that this story was going to be bad."
During his absence, Prince Dr. Ivo Robotnik his greedy and treacherous stepbrother usurped the crown.
"You know, there's been a heap of legends in all tales about Ash Ketchum, all different, too," someone said, who appears to be a gray and white bunny, he's Bugs Bunny "Well, we folks of the Toon kingdom have our own version it's a story of what happen in the forest.
"And did you all come up with that version when all of you were high?"
And so, Bugs played his guitar, whistling as he began to walk.
Now, Bugs is leading the other people and animals.
Suddenly, without warning, Bugs got caught and ran away from the guards, shooting arrows at him.
"Okay…what's this?"
The archers chased Ash and the group, and the guards chased them, holding axes.
"Oh my God, Batthan is adding pointless fillers into his story?"
More archers continue to shoot at more citizens while they dodged the arrow. We see Ash, Ethan, Shadow, Buzz, Kari, Alyssa, Zoey and Mira running from guards with spears. We see a couple being chased by a guard with an axe.
"Batthan, you are making the fillers in Bleach look more interesting! This is all completely pointless! What's the point including them in?"
A while later, the guard is chased by the couple, unknown.
The guard was about to chop the couple with an axe, but missed when Nebula grabed them by using the wheel barrel.
"TELL THE FUCKING STORY ALREADY!"
In the story, four figures are walking in the forest.
"Thank God, the story begins!"
The first one was a well-built teenage boy about fourteen-years-old wearing a backpack. He had black spiky hair, and he wore a red baseball cap (which had a black stripe going down the middle from the back to the front, and there was a green arc over a green dot on the front), a blue hoody with black sleeves and a dark gray hood, along with blue pants and black and dark blue sneakers. His name was Ash Ketchum. Walking with him is a black hedgehog with red streaks and red and white shoes; he's Shadow the hedgehog.
Next was a man with a strong build under a spacesuit. He had a big chin and the skintight purple cloth was around his head. He's Buzz Lightyear. Last is a boy like Ash, but with blond hair, blue eyes with a necklace of a bat symbol around his neck. He's Batthan aka Ethan.
Bugs: Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan
Walkin' through the forest
Laughin' back and forth
At what the other'ne has to say
"Sorry guys, but Batthan is helping me pay for my car. Mind as well, sing along in this story." DW sang.
As the four tried to cross, they fell right into the river. They don't mind it though as they laughed and had some fun swimming. As they continue to do so, neither of them saw someone watching them with his army of archers.
This robot was Scratch, the Sheriff of Toon Town. He was the law authority who had been trying to arrest Ash for so many years now that he was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
"Maybe he's already in a verge of mental breakdown when Batthan came up to him and cast him into this story." DW shrugged.
Sure enough, Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan found out that Scratch and his men had them surrounded. They raise their hands as if they were surrendering.
"Oh Good! Kill Ethan and let's end his career and his story writing!" DW said, smiling.
Then they ducked into the water as they found themselves running from the archers' shooting arrows.
"Fuck this." DW said.
"So unfortunately, Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan escape the archers. After that scene, we meet our 'diabolical' villains, King Ivo Robotnik and his python Kaa the Snake
"Taxes!" Robotnik laughed, "Beautiful taxes!" Robotnik continued laughing, enjoying the money.
"Yeah! Having all these taxes is the only reason why I accepted Batthan's offer in playing the main villain of this story! Hahaha!" DW laughed, imitating Robotnik.
"So Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan decided to rob Robotnik by doing this."
Outside, Ash and Little John are out of their suits and began running towards the carriage to dress up as gypsies. Ash is dressed with a blonde wig, golden hoop earrings, white tank top and purple/blue skirt. Buzz is now dressed with a black wig, blue necklace, red dress and white sleeves and silver bracelet. Shadow now wore a reddish brown wig, pink shirt, dark red skirt and silver earrings. And Ethan wore a white long haired wig, blue headband and white dressed.
"Good God." DW rubs his forehead in pain. "Toy Story 3 isn't even out yet and my childhood has already been raped. Also, I think this is how Batthan dresses up when he's high too."
Buzz sighed, "Here we go again." And so, Ash, Buzz, Shadow and Ethan ran to the side of the road. "O-da-lally, o-da-lally! Fortune tellers!" Ash called, in an elderly lady accent.
"Fortune forecast, lucky charms!" Buzz added, tossing the silver ball.
"Catch the dose of your horoscope!" Ash shouted, holding a paper. Robotnik looked at them, smiling, "Fortune tellers! How droll; stop the coach!"
"Good Lord, Batthan, can you space out your sentences! You're confusing us who's saying which line!" DW said.
"Kaa, stop hissing my ears!" Robotnik laughed, rubbing his ear. Buzz kissed Robotnik's other hand, but instead the kissed the rings, taking the jewels. Kaa looked sternly at him as Little John showed him the jewels on his mouth. Kaa gasped and began to speak, but he's very nervous, making his tongue moving on Robotnik's ear again.
"WOW! Buzz magically changes his name to Little John!" DW said sarcastically. "Genius!"
"So Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan successfully rob most of Robotnik's treasures and Robotnik orders his guards to chase after them."
"After them, you fools!" Robotnik ordered. Butch and the guards began to chase after Ash and the group, but unknown to them the wheels fall out, causing Robotnik to fly out, holding the curtains. Suddenly, the curtains ripped, causing Robotnik to fall out and land into the mud, while the guards ran over him.
"Wait wait wait, in the cast chapter, you have the courtesy to tell us who are playing the guards. And now, in the actual story, you never write the names of the guards except Butch at all?" DW said. "Screw you!"
"So after that scene, we see Toon Town, a rundown town where all the villagers are poor, suffering and starving. That's because most of the budget in this story is wasted on the casting of this story." DW said.
Scratch began walking in the town, collecting taxes from everyone who has them; he began to sing his tune.
Scratch: Every town
Has its taxes too
And the taxes is due
Do do-do do do
"Do-do-do-do, copy and pasting this song is so much fun." DW sang.
"So Scratch's job as Sheriff of Toon Town is go around collecting taxes for Prince Robotnik. Or probably for Batthan as well. But good old Ash Ketchum is always around to steal money from the rich and give them to the poor."
"Oh Ash, you were so much to keep our hopes alive," said Caroline, "Bless you, bless you."
"Yeah, bless you for selling Pokemon to 4Kids. Bless you." DW imitated.
"So after Ash gave Goten a bow and arrow for his birthday, he and his friends Max, May and Brock go out and play." DW said. "But Goten accidentally shoots the arrow way too hard and the arrow went over Robotnik's castle. Not caring about the consequences, brave Goten smeaks into the backyard of the castle where we meet our main female characters, Kari, Alyssa, Zoey and Mira."
"Okay, your turn to serve, Kari!" said Mira, happily getting ready to continue the game.
"Are you and Alyssa ready, Mira?" Kari asked.
"I'm your lady in waiting, I'm waiting," Alyssa laughed as she hit the birdie. The birdie flew towards Zoey and she hit it in time. Goten watched them playing, but he needs to look for that arrow before he gets caught. He spotted the arrow, which it's by the tree. Goten snuck towards the tree, hiding.
"I'm getting too old for this," said Alyssa.
"YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS? How old are you Alyssa? Eightteen? When did you become eighty? My God Batthan, you can't even keep track of the character's ages!"
"So for those of you who watched the actual movie, I guess you all know what happens next. Kari, Alyssa, Zoey and Mira meet Goten and they kindly give him back his arrow. When Goten and his friends tell Kari about Ash, Kari starts telling them how she and Ash fall in love and kiss. This would have been very romantic if Kari is paired with either TK or Davis, but not Ash! I can't even imagine the two together!" DW said.
At the castle, Kari is in her room, thinking about Ash. She really missed him, dearly from these several years. Mira smiled as she continued knitting something, while Alyssa and Zoey watched.
"Aw, young love; oh it's a grand thing," said Mira.
Kari opened her dress closet and stared at the poster of Ash, "Oh girls, surely he knows who much I really love him."
"Of course, Kari," said Zoey, "Believe me, someday soon, your uncle, King Sonic will have an outlaw for an in-law."
"Oh Zoey, but when? When?" Kari asked.
"Be patient, Kari. Remember, absence makes the heart grow founder," said Alyssa.
"Or forgetful," Kari sighed and looks outside, "I've been away from so long. What if he's forgotten all about me?"
"He's probably forgotten about you because he's trying to forget this awful story." DW said.
"So we cut back to Ash and apparently, he hasn't forgotten about Kari. Here, we continue to read some of the wonderful and original dialogue." DW said sarcastically.
In the forest, Ash hummed as he stirs the food, slowly. Buzz, Ethan and Shadow hanged up the clothes. "Hey lover boy, how's the grub coming in, We're starving," Buzz asked, but Ash kept humming.
"Ash?" Shadow asked.
"Ash?" Ethan added.
"Buddy?" Buzz asked, "Hey!" That snapped Ash out of his daydream, "Huh, what did you say?"
"Forget it, your minds not on food," said Buzz, "You're thinking about someone with long eye lashes and you're smelling that sweet perfume," Buzz began to sniff the smoke and coughed.
Ash gasped, "Whoa, it's boiling over!"
"You're burning the chow!" Buzz moved the pot to the rock and began fanning the smoke.
"Sorry, buddy just thinking about Kari," Ash sighed, "I can't help it; I love her, guys."
"Look, why don't you stop moaning," said Buzz as he poured water into the pot, "Just marry her."
"Yeah, me and Shadow wished we marry someone we love," Ethan added.
"Marry her? You don't just walk up to her, hand her a bouquet and say, 'hey, remember me? We were kids together, will you marry me?'" said Ash, "No, it's not done that way."
"Aw come one, Ashy, climb the castle wall," said Buzz as he looked at the carrot, disgusted; he threw it away, "Sweep her off her feet."
"Carry her off her style," Shadow added.
Ash shook his head, sighing, "It's no use, guys. I thought it all up; it just wouldn't work. Besides what if I got to offer her?"
"Well, for one thing, you can't cook," said Buzz.
"I said I'm sorry," said Ash. Little John looks at the pot, "Hey, wait. I don't remember adding super hot chili peppers to this stu?"
"Me neither," Ethan added as Shadow shrugs. Buzz glares annoyed at Shadow and Ethan, who yelp and put their hands behind their backs, whistling innocent-like with anime sweat drops.
"Hahaha…" DW chuckled sarcastically. "Batthan, you really are the king of originality."
"So Nebula comes across them and tells them about an upcoming archery tournament which Robotnik and Kari are attending. Excited to see Kari again after all these years, Ash decided to participate in the tournament. But there's one problem." DW said.
"Wait a minute, Ash that place will be crawling with soldiers," Buzz warned.
"How are we going to get in?" Ethan asked.
"Ah, but remember faint heart never won fair lady," said Ash, "Fear not, my friends," Ash threw the hat and shoots the arrow, making it hit through his hat, "This will be my greatest performance," the hat landed on his hand.
"Okay, so this is the chapter of the story where my head LITERALLY explodes. The next day, the tournament begins. Shadow and Ethan disguise themselves as knights, Buzz disguises himself as a Duke and Ash disguises himself as…a hero? No seriously, I'm not joking."
In the bushes, Ash watched Kari smiling, while Ethan and Shadow watched Zoey and Alyssa. Ash is almost dressed as a hero, Ethan and Shadow are wearing the disguises as knights and Buzz is disguised as the duke.
"WHAT HERO? My God, Batthan, you can't even described how he dresses up like in detail! Details and descriptions are an author's best friend! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT!" DW yelled.
"And my God, there's more torture in this chapter. Ash walks out of the bushes and speaks to Scratch in a different accent. Probably Veronica Taylor's female accent. While Buzz watches the tournament with Robotnik. So yeah, you all know what happens next, Ash wins the tournament and is ready to receive his prize which is a kiss from Kari. However, Robotnik cuts off his disguise in front of everybody, revealing who he really is. Ash gets captured and is about to be executed in front of everybody."
Robotnik smirked evilly, "Seize him," the guards huddled together and tied Ash up, "I sentence you to sudden instant, and even immediate death!"
Kari gasped, "No…" she began to cry, begging Robotnik, "Please…please sire, I beg of you to spare his life. Please have mercy."
"My dear Kari, why should I?" Robotnik asked.
"Yeah! Tell her Robotnik!" DW said. "Tell her why is she falling in love with a character who isn't even from the same show as hers and why is she falling in love with a 4Kids dubbed character!"
"So the executioner is about to chop off Ash's head. Thank God! But unfortunately, Robotnik gets choked by Buzz and tells the executioner to cease the execution.
"Sherriff, release my buddy…" Robotnik stopped as he's getting choked, "I mean release the prisoner."
"Untie the prisoner?" Scratch asked, confused.
You heard what he said, you dumb-bot!" Zoey snapped.
"Sherriff, I make the rules and since I'm the head…" Robotnik got choked, "Not so hard, you mean thing. Let him go, for heaven's sake! Let him go!"
"Yahoo! Love conquers all!" Mira cheered, while the crowd cheered for Ash's freedom. Ash got untied as Kari ran to him, holding his hands.
"I owe my life you, Kari," said Ash.
Kari hugged him, "I couldn't have lived without you, Ash."
"Awww…how romantic. Though sadly, this will be the only Ash/Kari story in this site." DW said with a fake smile.
"So Scratch caught Buzz but Buzz dodges from the robot chicken and a riot broke out." DW said.
"Run for it, Kari! This is no place of a lady!" said Mira, joining the fight along with Zoey and Alyssa.
"Come on, Zoey!" Ethan shouted as he grabbed her hand.
"Let's go, Alyssa!" Shadow added, grabbing Alyssa's hand.
DW groaned. "There are two mistakes in this certain scene. One, Ethan and Shadow don't even know who Zoey and Alyssa is and now they are helping them? Two, why are Ethan and Shadow taking them away when Zoey and Alyssa are joinging the fight with Mira? It makes no fucking sense!"
"Help! Ash help!" Kari cried, as the guards chased her. Ash held the rope and swung in and saved Kari. They landed on top of the tent.
"Kari, will you marry me?" Ash asked, continued to fight.
"Oh Ash I thought you never ask," said Kari.
"Even though we haven't seen or speak to each other for years and we're both not even from the same show together." DW said. "So Ash and Kari escaped into the forest together along with Buzz, Shadow, Ethan, Zoey, Alyssa and Mira. The next scene is a romantic scene between Ash and Kari through the forest and the celebration scene with all the villagers of Toon Town…which I'm not going to show it because it's the same exact scene from the movie and there's no point showing it to you guys. And besides, if I show the scene to all of you, you'll all drunk yourselves to sleep."
That day, Scratch walked into the castle, holding a bad full of money, humming.
"That day? Don't you mean, NEXT DAY?" DW said. "My God Batthan, you can't write simple vocabulary!"
"So Robotnik gets fed up with Ash and the villagers of Toon Town and he decided to get revenge on the villagers by doubling their taxes. And those who fail to pay the taxes are sentence to jail. But to be fair, I think Batthan also needs to go to jail for stealing source material from the actual movie." DW said.
"So after almost everybody in Toon Town is now in jail, nobody visits Nebula's church anymore and this makes Nebula, Tails and Erin sad. Boo hoo. I'm even more sad that I'm reading this piece of crap story right now."
Tails kept playing the organs, but sighed, "Friar Nebula, I don't think anyone is coming."
"You're right, Tails, but maybe the sound of this church bell will bring the poor people some comfort," said Nebula, "We must do what we can to keep their hopes alive."
"Don't mean to insult you Nebula but how can you keep the people's hopes and dreams alive after their appearance in this story? Who would want to use them in their stories after reading this story?" DW said.
"Tails nodded, still playing. Erin kept cleaning, very upset, "How can there be any hope with that tyrant prince Robotnik taxing the heart and soul out of the poor people?"
Nebula looked at the empty poor box, "Yeah, those poor people. Look, out poor box is like our church…empty."
Erin paused from what Nebula said; she went to her room and got out the gold coin. She came out, walking towards Nebula, "Friar Tuck, we've saved this. It's not much, but please take it for the poor."
"Batthan has done it AGAIN! Nebula's name magically changed his name to Friar Tuck!" DW said. "My God! You can't even keep track of your characters' names!"
"So after Scratch comes in and steals the money from Erin and Tails, Nebula gets angry and starts beating the shit out of Scratch. But Scratch captures him and arrests him for high treason. But Robotnik is still ticked off because it's Ash who he wants to imprison. So Robotnik had an idea. He plans to hang Friar Nebula so that he can attract Ash's attention and set up a trap for him if he tries to rescue him. This DOES get the attention of Ash and he plans to rescue Nebula." DW said.
"Oh, wait a minute; I think someone's name is going to magically change again." DW said with a fake grin.
"Ash, we can't let them hang Commander Nebula!" said Buzz worried.
DW chuckled sarcastically as he shakes his head. "Well you know what they say, if at first you don't insult the reader's intelligence, try, try, try, try…" DW's smile slowly distorts into an ugly scowl. "try, try, try, try, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY," DW now bangs himself on the desk. "TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY," He looks up and yells at the top of his lungs. "UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
"So Buzz, Ethan and Shadow break into the castle and rescue Nebula and the other prisoners while Ash breaks into Robotnik's chamber and tries to steal some gold."
Soon the group entered the prison where people were sleeping. Soon, they get to work. First, Buzz got Bugs freed of his chains. Shadow helped the L., who was just nearby up.
"L From Death Note is in this story? Are you really THAT high, Batthan?" DW asked.
Ethan removed the shackles from Sora and Kairi. Buzz broke the shackles from the Pokemon
Meanwhile, Goten was just freed by Nebula, as well as May, Max and Brock.
"I'm ready! Where's the bad guy?" Goten asked, walking
"The bad guy is the one writing this story, Goten." DW said.
"Okay, so we all know what happens next. Ash, Buzz, Ethan and Shadow manage to steal Robotnik's taxes and free all the prisoners. This causes Robotnik to go insane and chases after Kaa. After some time has pass, King Sonic finally returns to the kingdom and punishes Robotnik, Kaa and Scratch by sentencing them to hard labour. Ash and Kari both got married, but wait a minute, they are not the only ones!" DW said.
Followed by them were Ethan, with Zoey by his side and Shadow with Alyssa. That's right, along with Ash and Kari, Ethan, Zoey, Shadow and Alyssa had become married together as well!
DW slams his head on the desk. "HOW DID THEY GOT MARRIED! WE ONLY SEE THEM MET EACH OTHER DURING THE TOURNAMENT SCENE AND NOW THEY ARE MARRIED? I guess it's really love at first sight."
"Well, Friar Nebula," said Sonic with a grin on his face, "An outlaw for an in-law, it seems I now have." He laughed along with Friar Nebula. This was so ironic, it was funny.
"Way to point out the fucking obvious!" DW said.
"So the married couples got into the carriage, Buzz drive them away, probably somewhere far far away from this awful fanfic and they all live happily ever after." DW said.
Bugs laughed as he continued, "Well, folks, that's the way it really happened." They then began to, or at least tried to, sing the ending song.
As the carriage pulled away, Kari, with a grin pulled the curtain of the carriage down so he and Kari got some privacy same goes for Ethan and Shadow, going to do the same thing with Zoey and Alyssa. The last song was heard as the story was about to come to an end.
Chorus: Love goes on and on
Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally
Golly, what a day
Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally
Golly, what a day!
DW shakes his head in disgust. He turns back to the camera. "This is it, the WORST. The absolute WORST fanmake I ever reviewed! I mean, how can an author write such a story this BAD? I mean, THIS BAD?"
(We see several scenes of the story)
"I mean, I don't know whether to give this story a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise, I mean this parody is fucking ATROCIOUS! Even the ending hurts me! Everything about this story is just plain HORRENDOUS!"
"In fact, I don't even know why I'm still reading this story." DW then stood up and leans towards the camera. "I think I better put it away right now before anything else-"
BOOM
DW sits back on his chair and stares at the camera with his mouth hanging open. "Oh my God."
KA-BOOM!
"OH MY GOD!" DW exclaimed.
BOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!
The wall in front of him explodes, revealing a multi-colored portal.
"This story is so bad that it's splitting the fabric of space and time!" DW exclaimed as he pulls his hair.
Soon, the chair DW is sitting on starts shaking and slowly drags itself towards the portal. DW shakes his head frantically as he soon gets sucked into the portal.
As he gets suck through the portal, several images of Batthan, Zoey, the Sailor Senshis and his parodies flashed before his eyes. DW stares at them with his mouth hanging open.
"My God…" DW said with a horribly distorted voice. "It's full of SHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT…."
Soon, after what seem like many hours, DW finally found himself standing in the middle of a white room. Everything was white and several paintings are floating around the room. He looks around in awe as he walks through the room.
Soon, he saw CC standing in front of Salvadore Dali's painting of The Persistence of Memory and staring at it. He walks up to her, who turns her head to him.
"Where am I?" DW asked in confusion.
CC remained silent for a few seconds, before replying, "You are inside a bad story. A story so bad that it actually ages you even as you watch yourself."
"Wow…" DW whispered. "It's that bad?"
"Yes, now piss off." CC took out a baseball and throws it at DW's forehead, which knocks him out cold. She then takes out her pizza box and grabs a slice of pizza. "I'm trying to eat my Hawaiian pizza."
But then CC got interrupted when a bowling trophy hits her at the side of her head. CC drops her pizza box and turns to Lightning (From Final Fantasy XIII) who is sitting on a nearby bench.
"OH YOU SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO DIE OVER HERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Lightning let out a hoarse sob and she bursts out crying with tears flowing down her cheeks. She lies back down on the bench and shakily covers herself with a blanket.
DW got up and walks up to Lightning. "Geez, I'm so sorry for you." He said to Lightning.
"Nah, it's okay." Lightning said as she wipes her tears. "I'm done for." She widens her eyes, shaking. "But at least I never had to see that SHIT LOAD OF ASS STORY AGAIN!" She laughed maniacally as she rocks back and forth on the bench.
But suddenly, Lightning stops her laughing and her face distorts into a look of complete shock and terror. "No…" She uttered in horror. "It can't be!" She lifts up her finger, shaking.
"What's wrong?" DW asked. He turns his head and drops his jaw as well.
In front of him and Lightning was Batthan's Ash Hood, floating in the air.
DW stares at the book in complete utter shock, but a few seconds later, his face slowly distorts into a face of rage and anger. He narrows his eyes angrily, grits his teeth tightly and shakes his head frantically. He lifts up his two middle fingers at the book.
Then, everything turned white.
When the light subsided, DW has turned into a douche.
"My God…" He said. "Batthan has finally turned me to what his stories always were. A dirty douchebag."
DW then floats up into outer space and sang in tune of Richard Strauss's 2001: Space Odyssey Theme. He sang as he floats above Planet Earth.
DW: OH…MY…GOD…
IT SUCKS…
It sucks so bad
Makes you real bad
It's rather sad
OH…MY…GOD…
IT SUCKS…
Sad but truuuuuueeee…
I am the Mercenary Critic
I remember iiiiiiiiitttttt…
BECAUSE I'M…A FREAKING…NEEEEEERRRRRDDDDDDD!
END OF CHAPTER
DW: I hope you guys enjoyed my first non-anime review. Stay tune and read and review!
