Chained Heart Chapter 11
AI's POV
I felt ourselves being reintegrated. Our lips were still connected. He did not kiss back. I released his lips and looked into his eyes.
"Why did you kiss me?" He asked.
I looked down. "I don't know…For a while I…I wanted you…I believe it's because of our mating bond…I think I am going into heat…"
"You know this is dangerous. Ai, I will never hurt you ever again. This means we won't engage in anything, no matter how bad we want to. I released you from myself."
"I know but…my body is like…on fire…"
"I can't help you…I'm sorry…"
"What if I'll ask other men?"
He stiffened visibly. "Do whatever you feel like."
"I was just kidding. I thought you would get possessive and start arguing with me."
"I don't own you. You have your own will."
"But I feel like I still do."
"Ai, stop this…please…I find it very…displeasing."
I listened to his request and shut my mouth. I leaned on the bars and enjoyed the view. I reached my hand and touched the sand. It felt like silk. Everything around me reminded me of Gaara. Everything I did. I looked over to him. He looked deep in thought. It was nice staying here in silence…only hearing the sound of the vultures and the moving sand. I now noticed how good my costume fit him.
"How do you like my costume?"
"Thank you for making it, I really needed new clothes. I like it a lot."
"I'm glad."
There was a long silence. I was watching as the sun was setting. The sky had this pink-orange color. It was romantic in a way. I wanted to hold him and touch him.
"Ai, can I ask you something?"
"Ok, sure. Anything."
"What is…love?"
"Love?" He nodded. How should I put this? "Love is true devotion to someone beyond yourself. Love is a passion; love is kind, trust, respect and truth. Love is when you think that every single bit of a person is amazing. Words can't describe love fully. Love is an emotion. Love is life. Without love life has no meaning. That's what love is. Love is a complex thing. It means making that person a priority, sometimes even above yourself. Love is giving your all with all your heart. Trusting with your eyes closed. Caring, nurturing, believing, and never expecting anything in return. There are two types of love. The love you have for your friends and family and…" I sighed sadly. "The love which you share with your chosen one. This is kind of a deeper love. This type of love is for someone you love more than yourself and want to do anything for them. You find yourself thinking about that person always, caring for him. This happens when partners love, respect and trust each other. You can call it true love…True love happens when you find peace, love and care in the arms of somebody, when your heart beats a million times when you see that person, when you want to be in that person's caring hands and wants to lean on his/her shoulders. It is when you see his/her smiling face and forget all the worries and smile with him/her. You don't just care about anything else, all you want is to be with him/her. You would feel a deeper connection; like that you are with him/her for, like ages! It feels great. It happens in real life, when two sincere and honest people love each other. But in today's selfish world, it's hard to find true love…"
He was silent for a while, trying to process all that. "You know a lot about love…"
"Well it stands for my name." I smiled at him. "I think I was born to love." He looked at me dumbfounded. I was born for loving you."I feel that is the only way I could be of use."
He was silent. "Ai…I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For everything…"
"I already told you. You are forgiven. Please lighten up."
"I made that scar on your back…your whole back is a huge scar."
"It's not a scar. It's a reminder…"
"What reminder?"
"That I…used to belong to you."
"Don't say such silly things. What I did was inhumane. If I could somehow remove that scar I would do so without second thought."
"Don't say that! It alright, Gaara! I don't want it removed. It's alright. I can live with it. It's not like I will die from it."
"Yes…but still…I could have at least made a smaller one…not your whole back…"
"Please stop it. It was in the past." I got loser to him. "Let's make new memories, Gaara…" I smiled at him. He smiled back. My heart fluttered. I never saw him smile like this…he looked so handsome…"You have a nice smile."
He didn't say anything but I saw a tint of pink in his cheeks and ears. He never got embarrassed like that from a simple compliment. I continued looking at the sand waterfall. We stood in a peaceful silence enjoying the sun set. When it got dark, he teleported us back to the village. He walked me to my room.
"Thank you for giving me a nice evening." He nodded looking down. "You can come to my room when you feel like you want to spend some more time with me…" He nodded again. "Gaara…"
"Hm?" He looked at me.
"If you…would you…" I sighed. "Look…I have been thinking…I don't blame you for our baby's death, ok? I'm sorry I even thought of blaming you."
"You don't have to apologize for that. I am not worthy of your apologies."
"Yes you are. We both made mistakes…"
"I think you are forgiving me too fast…"
"Maybe it was a sign…I wanted that baby. I loved him…but maybe I was nowhere near ready to be a mother. I have to let her go because no matter how much I cry…" I tried to stop a sob from coming. "…she will never come back…" I was overcome by emotions and I broke down in front of Gaara. I was crying in front of him and he just sat there not knowing what to do. I wanted consolation from his part. I knew he was new to things like this. I made a step and took him in my arms and sobbed into his chest. His scent was making me calm down. He put a hand on my back and tried to console me. I held him tighter.
"I'm so sorry Ai…"
"Gaara…" I looked him in the eye, my eyes still leaking. "Hold me tighter. N-never let me go…Promise me you will never say goodbye…because…I don't think I will be able to live without you…stop saying hurtful things…Let's leave it all behind us…as if it never happened…" He let go of me and turned his back on me.
"You know perfectly well I cannot do that."
"Why not? Wouldn't you be happy to be with me again somewhere in the future?"
"There is nothing I want more…"
"But then what is it?"
"My happiness does not matter. What I want is not important. You have to stop hurting."
"Why do you want to suffer like this? What you're saying right now is hurting me."
"Because…I can't stand the idea that I hurt you. I despise myself for it. I do not feel worthy to touch you, to speak to you, to be in the same room as you…I don't deserve you."
"But…you make me happy."
"Lie…why do you lie?"
"I never lied to you! Maybe I like your rough touch!"
"It is not supposed to be tough! I am doing it wrong! It's just how I am! I can't be gentle! Every time I touch you, you bruise!"
"You're so stubborn! Just get out of my face!" I entered my room slamming the door loudly. He's such a baka. Here I am trying to tell him it's alright and he throws it in my face. What a big idiot. I hear a knock on the door. "Leave me alone! Come back when you're done sulking!" I didn't hear anything. I was sure he was still at my door. I sighed and opened the door. He was standing there looking down as always. "Come in." I told him. He walked into my room and I closed the door. "I have to tell you something…" He just looked at me. "Sit down." He took a seat on my bed and I joined him.
"What is it?"
"Uhm…when you left for the mission…I left the tower to take a walk in the park and some villagers began harassing me-"
"I'm sorry. It's my fault they were treating you-"
"That's not the point. Just stop with the apologizing already. I get it. I know you're sorry. It's something else." He studied me closely. "Some guy…saved me and in exchange for treating my wounds he wanted me to go on a date with him."
"And what did you say?"
"He pestered me until I said yes." He looked down. "I don't fancy him at all…but I wanted to point out something else. He was totally opposed to you. To what you think you are. He was…let's say, gentle. The thing is…I don't like those kind of things…he is too gentle. I'm not saying I should be treated violently, but rougher. This is because…I got used to your touch…I can't have a relationship with someone else other than you."
"I told you I can't help you. I can't ever be with you anymore. I can't. I can't let you suffer." He got off the bed and headed towards the door.
"You idiot! You are already making me suffer! Let's see how you like it when you'll feel this guy's scent all over me! I'll kiss him, I'll hug him, I'll suck him, I'll screw him! Try to imagine that scenery! Get out of my room! I knew I was wasting my time with you! Either I want you or I don't you still confuse the shit out of me! What the hell do you want from me?"
He was silent for a moment. "I want you to be happy."
"How do you want me to be happy when I don't have you by my side?"
"I am your friend. I will always be with you."
"But nothing more…" He nodded. "Alright Gaara…I understand your decision…You can leave now. Get out of my room!" He flinched. Maybe this was not what he was expecting. "I hope you are proud." He looked at me and was about to say something but I cut him off. "Yes, I know you are. Just get out!"
"Ai, I-"
"GET! OUT!" I threw a vase at him only to have it crushed by his sand. When he left the room I trashed into the bed and punched the mattress and pillows. I was very angry and upset. I did not know how to control my anger and frustrations.
The next day I went to the cabinet Temari talked to me about.
"Hello. My name is Akira Mimi and I will be your psychologist. From what Temari told me you have lost your child recently." I nodded. "I'm so sorry for your loss…when did you find out you lost him?"
"A few days after I found out I was pregnant."
"What do you think caused you to miscarriage?"
"Uhm…my lover hit me in the stomach so hard I landed in a tree."
"Oh my…I hope you broke up with him…such an awful man…You are very young my dear. I tell you not to worry. I know losing a child is hard, no matter what age."
"I can see Temari did not tell you who the father is…"
"No. Do you want to share it with me?"
"Yes but…please do not judge me…"
"I will not. Everything told here remains between these walls." She smiled reassuringly at me.
"My step brother was the father…Sabaku no Gaara." I could see the slight shock that passed her threw her face. I looked down in embarrassment.
"No, please, it's alright. Do not feel embarrassed." I looked at her close to tears. "Tell me please…Did he take you…willingly?"
"N-No…I was raped…My first time was…very painful. Since he raped me the first time he continued to sexually assault me almost every day. He warned me if he found out I was pregnant he would do something very bad to me and the baby."
"Did you use any means of protection?"
"I used some patches but they were not quite effective. I knew he would not agree with condoms…"
"But why did he do these things?"
"At that time he believed…well he made me his 'mate'. Now he refuses to make any moves on me. Ever since I lost the baby he hasn't touched me once."
"I'm glad you're telling me this. He has to be held responsible for what he did."
"No, please…I don't want him to be put behind bars. He has been punished enough as it is. He has a conscious filled with doubts."
"But why are you defending him? You should be enthusiastic about his punishment."
"I love him."
"You love him?"
"Yes…I loved him, and I still do. I know it sounds crazy…he hurt me immensely…but I simply can't help it. I love him and I believe nothing can change that. I think my heart is malfunctioning or something." I giggled.
"No, it not that bad but…I believe he does not return the feelings…"
"No…Yesterday we had a fight. You see…Gaara changed a lot…and I was telling him I wanted to have a relationship with him in the future and he did not want to because he was feeling unworthy of being with me. Because of the Jinchuriki and the mating thing I become sexually frustrated very easily. Now because I do not get any sex I feel angry when he is around and he does not let me touch him."
"I see…This is not really good…I am aware of the Jinchuriki's bond to its mate. I will not tell you what you should feel for this person. However, I can give you some pills to take away the frustrations. Temari told me you are always in your room. Is that correct?"
"Yes, because I lost my baby. I keep thinking what would my life be like if I had her. I got really attached to her even though she was not born."
She nodded. "I see. I believe you have postpartum depression. It is when you are sad because of the death of your baby before it is born…I can prescribe you some pills for that also. I recommend you to make something together with the baby's father. Something that would be like a memento for your baby like you can commemorate him."
"That sound like a great idea." I smiled at her.
"Also, if your depression does not go away you can always come back to tell me about your progress."
"I can tell I am feeling much better than before…I realized that no matter how much I mourn for my baby she is not coming back…and I am still very young…I could say I'm a child as well…"
She smiled at me and nodded. "My, my, what a nice maturing young lady." She opened the cupboard near her desk and gave me two pill boxes. "Here you go. You take the blue pill when you are feeling frustrated, but no more than once a day, and the pink pills are for daily use. You can take two per day." She handed me the pills and I took them.
"Thank you very much." She nodded and I left the clinic. I left to go to the market. I knew exactly what I needed to do.
GAARA's POV
Ai was confusing me. Why did she want me now and not then? Why does she want to mate with me this much? Was it because of Shukaku? I had no idea. I still remained in my room. I guess I knew what depression is now. The thought of her and another man was sickening. I hope I won't get the chance to meet him. She said she will only date him once. What if she'll mate with him like she said yesterday? If so then that means I won't approach her at all…I wanted to be more than her friend but I was uncertain of my behavior. If somehow…Shukaku got extracted from me she wouldn't be my mate anymore. But I chose her…not Shukaku. I needed her. The moment I saw her when I hurt those kids…she was not looking at me with hate or anger…it was like she felt what I was feeling. I remember vaguely… as I was taken in control by Shukaku it was me that spared her life.
I heard a knock at the door and went to open it. It was Ai with a cacti in her hands. I looked quizzically at the plant then at Ai.
"First of all this is not for you. No matter how much I wanted to throw this in your face I can't do that."She told me playfully.
"Then what's the plant for?"
"This is a claret cup cactus. As you can see it had beautifully bloomed red flowers. I want you to help me plant it in the garden."
"But why?"
"I want this to be a memento to our daughter. I had a therapy session today and I was advised to do something with you. Don't you…want to?" She looked down.
"Of course. It would make you happy?" She smiled and nodded.
I followed her to the garden and she chose a spot.
"Alright. You can plant it now using the sand. It would sting if I would do it."
I gave him the plant. "Yes but…why a cacti?"
"Because the symbol associated with the cactus is endurance, it…let's say…overflows with maternal love…I read that somewhere…and the red flowers…I imagined our daughter having red hair…"
I just looked at her. Maternal…love? A cacti?
"I chose this kind of cacti because it spreads…so in a few years it will continue to grow, spread and bloom and this whole corner here will be full of this kind of cacti."
I used the sand to take the plant from the container and put it in the ground. Ai watered it after.
"Done." She said. She sighed loudly and looked at the ground with her eyes closed. A silent tear made its way down her cheek and onto the hot sand. She clenched her fists. Without thinking I walked up to her and took her in my arms. I heard her gasp but I did not care in that moment. I caressed the back of her head and back. She grabbed my shirt making me stiffen and snuggled in my chest. But she wasn't sobbing this time. She just stood there in my chest. "I'm sure Aiko forgave you too…"
"Aiko?"
I felt her nod. "I felt we would be having a girl…I even named her Aiko."
She got out of my embrace and looked one last time at the flower before turning to leave. "Wait." I walked in front of her. "I can't let you date that guy."
"Why not?"
"I don't trust him."
"Gaara…are you jealous?"
"It's not that…Will you please not date him?"
"It's only one date…"
"I won't let you. I can't. I hope you understand that. If he comes here I'll-"
"Ai-chan, is that you?" I heard someone say behind me I looked at Ai and she was smiling at the person behind me. I turned my head to look at said person.
He was taller than me. He had black hair and blue eyes and a scar on his right side of the eyebrow. This was bad…
"Long time no see. I wanted to see if you were available for that date of ours."
"She's not available in this life." I took her wrist and guided her towards the tower. She shook my hand away.
"I believe I have the right to decide for myself. I'll go to the date. I keep my word." She walked towards him. I sent a wall of sand between them. "Gaara!"
"You're not going to this date!" She walked towards me and I thought I had won but she slapped me.
"You said it was alright. You don't own me anymore! Which is it? Don't you want me to be…happy? You…you…" I looked at her with wide eyes. I touched my cheek. When I heard the word 'happy' the wall fell. She walked towards him and I disappeared in a swirl of sand and appeared into my room. I keep confusing her. I want her…I need her…but I don't think I am right for her…but I don't want anyone else to have her. God damn it…I have to see what he's up to. I can't let him have his way with her. I teleported back in a place I could not be spotted easily and I could still hear them.
"I'm so sorry for that…"
"It's quite alright. Where would you like to go?"
"I don't really know…I wasn't really on any dates…"
"He never took you…"
"No, but that's alright…we spent enough time together so we knew each other quite well. I believe that's the whole point of dating…well at least before having a relationship…" Yeah…Ai we only had sex…that's not normal…
"Well I say we go get something to eat. Are you hungry?"
"Yes, I am a little bit hungry…"
"Let's go then…" He tried to touch her waist. I noticed this and made him trip in the sand and make a fool of himself. I quickly regretted.
"Oh god, are you alright?" Ai was helping him up and tapping the sand off his clothes. She was touching his chest. I felt my blood boil. He was spitting up the sand from his mouth. "Be more careful."
"Sorry about that…I just slipped…" I made sure he did not touch her; his scent would be off her body.
I followed them to a tea house but had a quite hard time hiding without being seen. They sat at a secluded table at the end of the room. They ordered some dango and tea. Everything was under control until he placed his hand on hers. She rejected his gesture. Good girl. I heard their conversation.
"Hey, come on, don't be like that…"
"I don't feel comfortable with you flirting with me…"
"It's not like I want to hurt you or anything…" He touched her again. She put her hands on her lap.
"Look. If you do not stop touching me I am going to go home."
"I'm sorry. Please don't leave."
"Let's just get this date over with…"
"Why don't you even try?"
"Because there is no reason to. I want Gaara. I will never see you as a potential partner, or anyone for that matter of fact…"
"But why didn't you let him cancel the date then?"
"Because I respect my word."
"So…this was more like an obligation to you…"
"Saying it like that it's kind of mean…you know what you were going into…I told you before…I still love my b- Gaara. I can't take you seriously…My heart is already…let's say 'reserved' for someone else…"
"Oh…"
"But we can continue this thing if you want…I didn't have anything better to do today so…"
"I understand…"
Ai…she still waits for me…She loves me? Do I love Ai? I still wasn't certain. What should I do? What should I tell her to do? I see she is very stubborn…should I make her hate me? What? We shouldn't be together anymore…but I wanted nothing more than to be with her…
After they left the tea house they took a walk on the way to the tower. I still listened.
"So…are you going to give me a kiss?"
"Why should I do such a thing? Did you earn a kiss from my part?"
He pushed her. "Who the hell do you think you are? You're just a little bitch! You should act like one! I'm so sick of your phases. You love that- that- MONSTER!"
"Gaara is NOT! A MONSTER!" She screamed. "If I had known you were like this I would have damned you to hell! I thought you were different! You're a monster! I have recently seen Gaara is kind, sincere, patient, polite, caring even and he is someone you will never be alike. He has a golden soul and a pure mind!"
"You're saying only bullshit! Pure mind my ass! He raped you!"
"And I enjoyed every moment of it! Because it was him! Only he is allowed to do those things to me! Only he can! My soul, my heart and body belong only to him for as long as I live!" He pushed her on the floor.
"You don't say…" He began ripping her clothes right in the middle of the road. I was still stunned by the words she said about me. I got in front of Ai and pushed him away and caught him in my sand. Ai was pulling on my sleeve.
"Don't do it, Gaara! You are better than that!" I looked at her. She had tears coming from her Bambi eyes. "Please let him go and let's go home…" She grabbed my hand and made me relax my hand. "Please…" I sighed and nodded. The bastard fell down with a loud thud. He looked at me with hate and resentment for messing up his plans.
"Get out of my village." I told the bastard. "If I ever catch you here I'll kill you. You should thank lady Ai for telling me to do otherwise."
He gritted his teeth. "Thank you." He said annoyed and walked towards the gates.
I turned towards Ai. "Are you alright, Ai?" She looked a little bit shaken. She nodded and pulled her hands towards me. I took her in my arms bridal style and teleported her to her room. I sat her on the bed and I went to the bathroom to turn on the water in the tub. I hope she would let me help her this time. I knew she needed a bath after what happened. I got back in the bedroom. "Ai…are you feeling ok?" She nodded and looked at the ground.
"I'm fine…just a little bit scared…Did you…hear anything before you intervened?"
"No…I feel when you are scared and come as soon as I can. Was there something I needed to know?"
"No…I was just wondering…You were right…that guy was no good…I'm sorry…"
"There is no need Ai, you didn't know…It's alright. I will always be there to protect you." She smiled at me. "I will leave you to it then. Have a good night…"
"You too Gaara…" I nodded and left her alone in her room. I teleported myself to the roof. It was a full moon…It was a beautiful night.
AI's POV
After Gaara left I took my remaining clothes off and walked to the bathroom. I got in the tub and began scrubbing my skin. I stood in the bath thinking about the day's activities. Gaara was so nice towards me…I wanted this Gaara in my life and I was sure as hell I was going to have him. I just needed to have patience. When my skin was beginning to prune I got out of the tub and dried my body. I got in bed and turned every now and then. I had no sleep. I sighed and I gave up. I put on my coat and decided to go on the roof. When I opened the door I saw Gaara looking over the village. I approached him silently.
"I believe this is where you have always gone out to, right?" He turned around.
"Ai…what's wrong?"
"I couldn't sleep…" I walked next to him. "The village is very pretty tonight."
"Indeed it is…"
"Thank you again…for saving me tonight…"
"There is no need to thank me…I owe you, Ai, for all the things I did to you."
"Can't you just erase them from your mind? Like they never happened?"
"No…How can you?"
"I just did…I know we can make better memories…it's no use…Life is too short to stay upset on someone you know you can never hate."
"Why can't you hate me then?"
I looked him in the eye. "I can't…It's as simple as that…"
"Ai…I want to tell you that…I can't let you be with someone else…ever…I know it is selfish, I know it's unfair but-"
"Gaara…I won't even be with someone else…Will you accept me?"
"I will…but not now…I want to think about what I am feeling…Do you understand?"
"Yes…I'm glad we agree on this. Finally." I smiled at him. "And to seal this…" I leaned in closer and closer to him face and captured his lips passionately. I put my hands around his neck. He eventually leaned in closer and responded to my affection. I moaned in the kiss. I let me go. "Until then, Gaara…" She kissed me on the kanji. "I'm going now…Good night."
"Good night…Ai…"
