Naruto; What If
Third Arc; Chuunin Exams
My standard form of writing applies.
" " - Spoken
' ' - Thought
( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Chapter 11 - MORE Training
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Watch me."
Those were my exact words, and damn, was I regretting them. Even with four shadow clones, figuring out the Chidori was a cast-iron bitch. I was getting it, and I could use a very, VERY crude, bastardized version by simply copying Kakashi's handseals and building up a fuckton of chakra, but it wasn't complete by any means.
Instead of remaining in the palm of my hand, it flowed outward, looking like a massive sawblade made of chakra. It was scary as fuck to anyone watching, but not too good for combat. Jamming it against a tree resulted in a wide, shallow burned area, instead of burning all the way through.
*Sigh*
It was only the third day, so I was good to go on time. I'd have it down pat in another day or two, but still. I wanted time to tease Naruto, Hinata and Tenten! Gaaah!
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Four days later
...I had it. I finished mastering it. I could use Chidori as well as Kakashi.
Almost. What impressed Kakashi was how many times I could use it; four. The same as him, including the sharingan and other lower-level techniques. I'd been consciencely cycling my own chakra since Wave, and my chakra control and reserves have increased exponentially. Not to mention my physical strength, speed and endurance.
I was able to swing my sword with one hand as quick as a kunai, twirl it between my fingers, and make mincemeat of any target. I suppose I've gotten tougher, too, since I barely felt most of the blows Naruto rained down during our last sparing session. Hot damn, I felt awesome.
Beyond that, I also had a pretty good idea of what to do for the exams. Naruto and I would both create four shadow clones each, one to act as one of the procters, and three to act as a full genin squad. Which, would each cheat their asses off and get kicked out, dispelling once they were outside and relaying the information they'd gathered to us. I could also just copy whatever one of the other test-takers wrote with my eyes, but that would be cheating.
Nyehehehehehehehaah.
After my last day of working on refining the technique, I decided to spend my remaining free time dicking around and having fun.
"Now, where's Hinata... Following Naruto, of course. And he'll be training right about now, so!"
~~Badadumdunbum~~
I made my way to the training field, and started searching. I didn't have to look far. I followed the sound of fist-on-wood.
...And I didn't mean for that to sound like a masturbation euphemism. Dammit, Jim.
Welp, I found him, punching a padded log. Now where would Hinata be stalking him from?
Hm. Aha, there she was! Hiding behind a tree, watching Naruto, and she hadn't noticed me yet. Mwahahahahah; time for mischief.
I meandered over to where Naruto was, making a point to not look towards Hinata. When I got close, I said, "Yo, Naruto."
"Hey, Sasuke. What's up?" He paused in his training, turning towards me.
Leaning close and whispering, I began my prank. "Wanna see something cool?" He quirked an eyebrow, looking puzzled, but he nodded.
I pulled him aside, around one of the trees, and summoned two shadow clones. One transformed into Naruto, the other one started walking off in the direction I'd come from, whereas the disguised one went back to work training.
"Shh, now follow me, and stay stealthy."
~~Badadumdunbum~~
We quietly stalked through the trees in a very roundabout manner, finally coming full circle, a mere few feet away from Hinata; we also had a good view of my Naruto clone.
I whispered, "See? She is stalking you. Now watch this,"
My shadow clone stopped punching the log, wiped the sweat from his brow, turned and dropped to the ground, leaning against the log post, breathing quietly for a moment.
Before he unzipped his jacket, removing the orange garment, tossing it aside. A moment later, we heard a zipper coming undone, and the clone removed his pants.
Then, he pulled off his green boxers, at which point I clapped a hand over Naruto's mouth, furously whispering, "Shush! Watch Hinata!"
He growled against my hand, but complied, and noticed something. Hinata had a hand down the front of her pants; and she was breathing hard, blushing bright red. Weh-heh-hell. I'll be a monkey's uncle.
She was touching herself, watching as the Naruto clone also began touching himself. (I'd let my artistic nature get the better of me. When the clone transformed, it gave Naruto a 9-inch schlong, so as to surprise Hinata and get her really dripping)
Carefully removing my hand, I quietly asked, "So. Now do you doubt she has a crush on you?"
He shook his head, cheeks burning. "No, but why-?"
I grinned. Big, wide, toothy and macabre.
"Wanna surprise her?"
He whipped his head around and stared at me. Then returned my grin. "Hell yeah."
~~Badadumdunbum~~
As the Hyuuga heiress diddled herself silly, Naruto and Sasuke snuck right up behind her, before Naruto loudly asked, "Uhh, Hinata, what're you doing?"
"EEP!" She spun, face as red as- Well. It could be seen from orbit, we'll leave it at that.
"N-n-n-n-n-NARUTO! W-w-w-why- How... Huh?" She turned her head back, and saw that Naruto was no longer whacking off next to the training log. And she'd just been watching him, too.
Sasuke stood there, snickering. "Geeze, Hinata, if you were that frustrated, why didn't you just say so?" She had yet to extricate her hand from her panties, so he was finding that rather funny.
Naruto gave his friend a half-hearted glare. "Ignore him, Hinata. Are you alright? Are you feeling unwell? You look a little hot..." He reached out, placing a hand on her forehead, as if checking her for a fever.
"Ah-ah-ah-Ahhhn!" And she orgasmed, right then and there, his touch sending her over the edge, just before she collapsed in a dead faint of orgasmic bliss.
Sasuke began grumbling. "Geeze, and here I thought she'd pass out the moment she turned around. Guess I owe you lunch."
The blonde was grinning, both over the aspect of free lunch, and from the prospect of finding someone who liked him 'like that.' "Hah! Yeah, she's getting better about that. Umm, does she do this often?"
The Uchiha shrugged. "The stalking, yes. Masturbating while watching you? Fuck if I know. All I do know, is that I'm not taking her back to the Hyuuga estate with her pants soaked in her own fluids."
Naruto shuddered. "Me neither, I don't wanna die yet. Got any ideas?"
With a shrug, Duckbutt replied, "One."
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Hinata stirred, her wonderful dream coming to an end, as she opened her eyes, feeling ungodly comfortable, snuggled against something warm and soft.
Wait, warm?
The young Hyuuga turned her head, trying to figure out where she was. She saw orange; lots of orange. Just then, she found out why.
She was curled up against her crush, Naruto Uzumaki, his jacket zipped up around the both of them. And he was- Asleep, holding her in his arms, keeping out the cold.
Oh, what she would give to stay like this forever... Or have some earmuffs to put over his ears so she could, ah, 'relieve' herself again. He'd already caught her. Or did he? Was that even real?
Just then, her crush stirred, and opened his eyes. "Hi, Hinata-chan. Sleep well?"
'Don't faint, don't faint, don't faint...' "Y-y-y-yes, N-n-Naruto-kun. Um... What, h-happened?"
He was still smiling, and hadn't called her a raging pervert, so that was good. "Oh, I was training when Sasuke came to tell me something. He said I had a stalker and we looked all around trying to find him. Then we found you- erm, enjoying yourself. I won't tell anyone, I promise. Then you passed out, and Sasuke said it wouldn't be a good idea to take you home unconscience, and, well, I thought you'd get cold if we just left you there, so..."
"Th-th-thank you, N-Naruto-k-kun."
He began blushing himself, flattered. "Aw, don't mention it. Say, you wouldn't have happened to see anyone who's been following me, have you?"
Uh-oh. "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-well I-I-I j-just uh-um..."
Once again with that concerned look on his handsome face, "Huh? Hinata, is something wrong? Your face is all red again." He reached up again, laying a hand on her forehead-
*Fwump*
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! What a chump!" Sasuke cackled maniacally, falling out from behind a tree, clutching his sides. "Oh, my spleen!"
~~Badadumdunbum~~
*Knock, Knock*
Hiashi Hyuuga was already on his way out, so he went straight to the front door, opening it. The sight that greeted him was anything but expected.
"Hiya, Hiashi-San. I believe this belongs to you?" A young, smiling Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki stood on his doorstep, carrying his daughter. They held her horizontally; Naruto held her upper half, whereas Sasuke supported the legs.
His daughter's face was still bright red; she'd fainted again.
Hiashi sighed, lifting his daughter out of their arms, casually thanking and threatening them in the same sentence. "Thank you, boys. If I find her virtue has been tainted, I will castrate both of you."
Both boys grinned, an unexpected response.
"Believe us, Hiashi-San, the only virtues that have been tainted are our own!" They both said, at the exact same time, in the exact same chipper tone, before they both turned and started running.
The Hyuga Clan head sighed, muttering to himself, "I'm going to need a drink..."
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Well, prank aside, we went by Ichiraku's and I paid for our meal.
Damnit, Jim. I'm a ninja, not a walking wallet.
While we ate, we discussed ninja stuff.
"Sho, Hinata reawy wikes me... -Ulp."
"Uh-huh. Go up and ask her out after the Exams. Otherwise, I will."
He looked at me, puzzled. "Ask her out, or do it for me? Which one?"
Hm. "That depends on how badly you fuck up. I'll prank the hell out of you if you anger me."
He looked dubious, smirking as he doubted my awesomeness. "And how would you do that, huh?" I had an idea.
Grinning wickedly, "I'll trick her into raping you, with an audience. Effectively forcing you to date and marry her, otherwise the Hyuga would hunt you down."
...He gulped, staring at me with a newfound level of respect and fear. I looked at him and smiled. "But hey! That just means they'll throw you two together and force you to boink like rabbits! Plus you'd get a sweet dowry and a new place to live. One that isn't a tiny appartment that reeks of ramen."
He turned indignant. "Hey! Ramen smells good!"
"I'll concede you that, it does. And it beats the scent of wet dog." We both started chuckling at this, as it had become our household joke about Kakashi.
Now, I've no problem with the Inuzukas, but yeah. They all smell like dogs, literally. After it rains, eugh. You can smell 'em a mile off. We joke about Kakashi because we know for a fact that he's currently boning Tsume, the matriarch of the Inuzuka clan. So yes, we make fun of him for that, not because of who he's fucking, but because he has the disposition of a dog, and smells like an Inuzuka every morning.
Dog-breath is our common nickname for him, right after scarecrow. Gets a few chuckles, but the doggy-style ones are even better. They really get some stifled snickers from any ninjas that overhear us.
Hm.
"So, what're we going to do about the Exams?"
He continued eating. "What about 'em?"
"Any plans, ideas, strategies, ect?"
Shrugging indifferently, Naruto replied, "Nah. We don't know what the tests are, right? So no point wasting time when we could be training."
I smirked. "The first is a written test. Second is mission-based survival. Third is single combat, as it always has." He stared at me. "Eheh, I know a few of the proctors on a personal level."
"...Anything more specific?"
"Yeah. The written test isn't based on knowledge. It's for information gathering." I grinned. "I have a cunning plan..."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Don't you always... And I meant, how did you con info on the test out of the proctors?"
Uh-oh. Bullshit time again!
I grinned wickedly. "Well, Kakashi used to be dating Anko, who is the proctor for the second test, while her boss is the proctor for the first one. Seeing as our beloved Sensei cheated on her, and I've been helping her get even with him, we've grown close. Very, close."
"Aha. Well, that explains it." Now for the punchline.
"Also, she has a thing for young boys." I deadpanned, waiting for his reaction.
Say, can you do a spittake while eating ramen? 'Cuz Naruto can.
"And she's a LOT more flexible than she looks!"
...He punched me for making him waste his precious ramen a second time.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
The next day; Day of the exam.
Myself, Naruto, and Sakura had our bags on our backs, with enough supplies for two weeks. We'd be good to go for anything. In particular, we each brought more than enough medical supplies, along with soldier pills for dealing with more frequent fighting. I ensured that we were all prepared for the worst.
We made our way to the building for the first exam.
Inside, we moved onto the second floor, and saw two dooks guarding the door to room 301.
...And the entire thing was a genjutsu. Those two dorks were both Chuunin.
Seeing a crowd, I found an opportunity for mischief, just as Rock Lee seemed to get his ass kicked.
"Oy, oy! What're all you idiots doing here on the SECOND floor? The exam's on the next one up. Hey, Kotetsu, Izumo! Quit screwing with the Genin, ya pricks."
Both disguised Chuunin stared at me, before dispelling their transformations.
"Well, guess the genius saw through our little test,"
I rolled my eyes. "Test? Whatever, desk jockey. C'mon, guys, let's get to the test room before they disqualify us."
Turning, I started back for the stairwell, only to be called by someone else.
"Hey, you. What's your name?" Great.
I turned my head, glancing back at the arrogant prick.(Neji)
"Why do you care? Your 'fate' means you can't lose no matter who you face... Right, Neji?" His eyes widened, and I saw Tenten look between the two of us nervously, whereas Lee looked contemplative. I turned back, continuing on my way, no longer paying any mind to him.
Fuck that arrogant little shit.(See the hypocrisy there? It's meant to be funny. Laugh, damnit!)
~~Badadumdunbum~~
We went up another floor, cut through another room, when Lee caught up with us.
"Sasuke! Fight me!"
"Eh?" I turned and looked up, where he was leaning over one of the rails. "Fight you? Why?"
He jumped down, landing in a crouch. "Because I wish to test myself against the genius Uchiha. My name is Rock Lee. It is polite to give one's own name before asking that of another, isn't it?"
Uh-huh, right. Hm. Wonder if I can keep up with his speed? I could outmatch Haku, and he was lightning-fast. What to do, what to do.
"Well, it's nice to see that you've got better manners than your teammate. Hm. Well, I'm not against a friendly spar; we've got time to kill."
Naruto was indignant. "Hey! What is it with everyone trying to challenge you?!" I removed my rucksack and bauldric,(Harness for my sword) and tossed them to Naruto.
"Because Uchiha's a big name, and because even the guys want me."
Naruto snorted a laugh as he rolled his eyes, whereas Sakura shook her head, stifling a giggle.
And then Lee tried to flirt with her.
"I would also like to win the affections of the pink-haired angel."
He winked and blew a kiss at Sakura, which she dodged with comical overreacting.
"Gaaah! Those freaky eyebrows! What am I, a friggin' consolation prize?!"
Naruto beamed, eagerly replying, "Yep!"
Personally, I was chuckling more at her antics than Lee's; he was trained by Might Guy, after all.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
I stepped forward, cracking my neck, flicking my sharingan on. "Alright. C'mon, Lee. Show me the difference between hard work and natural genius." Smiling, switching into my personal hand-to-hand stance, I read his stance as I talked. "Sorry if I'm a bit rusty. Haven't had to fight barehanded in ages."
He rushed forward, ducking low. I could see.
Sweep-kick. I quickly stepped aside, watching to see what he would do next-
Shit!
Lee was in my face, a leg coming around, right about to- I ducked down, quick as a lick, and charged forward, thrusting my shoulder into his gut.
He hopped backward, not even winded. Hmm... He's still a bit quicker than me, even with his weights on. This would be difficult.
"Hm. You're even faster than Kakashi," I observed, watching him carefully.
With a respectful nod, he responded, "Thank you, I've trained hard to gain this speed. You're quite skilled yourself, to be able to keep up with me."
I smiled once more, my mask taking over. "Hah, I wouldn't go that far. You're wearing weights, and you're still faster than me. I admit, without a weapon or jutsu, I haven't much chances of beating you. Guy has trained you well."
He smiled. "Thank you for your kind words. Shall we continue?"
"If you please," I moved, straight ahead.
He followed suit, both of us going at each other head-on, going blow for blow, fist for fist, kick for kick.
'Left. Right. High! Duck! Low. Low, low again, dodge! Good, good. Look him in the eye... Right hook! Counter! Trap!'
He swung right, I stepped into his guard, trapped his arm, bringing my knee into his gut.
As he doubled over, I dropped low, forcing myself to lean and fall backwards...
Bringing Lee along for the ride of his life.
"Soo-Pah Suplex!" Naruto shouted, recognizing my signature joke move for knocking out unwitting shadow clones. Lee's heack cracked against the tiled floor, and his body slumped over for a moment-
Only a moment, as he twisted in my grip, somehow bringing his leg around, landing a SOLID HIT to my jaw.
Ow. OW.
I was staggering back, feeling my jaw and resetting it, checking for broken or missing teeth. None, all systems copacetic. I went back into my stance, observing as he stood back up, rubbing his head.
"That was really good. I'll have to remember that for later," Lee called, rubbing the back of his head.
"It helps if you pigstick 'em at the same time. Nice kick, by the way. Are you a bloody contortionist?"
"No, I stretch a lot."
Er, right.
And we were back at it, going back and forth, trading hit for miss, dodge for block, blow for blow. Frankly, I was having the time of my life. It's not everyday you get to cut loose and fight till you drop.
Still. I was getting tired... He truely was Guy's student, and he hasn't slowed a bit. I overextended myself by mistake, and he got under my guard, kicking straight up, catching me on the chin.
And I felt myself rising.
OH. SHIT.
"This, is the difference between us..." I heard him say, before I did my damndest to twist in midair, ignoring the pain in my jaw, as I socked him in the gut, pushing myself away from him before he managed to catch me in those bandages-
"LEE! ENOUGH!" Quite suddenly, Lee was jerked to a halt in midair, then started falling. I, too, noticed that I was dropping, and shifted my weight, flipping as I fell, so as to land on one knee, before pushing myself to my feet.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Hot damn! I haven't had a fight that good in years," I remarked as I stretched, working out the kinks in my sore muscles.
Moving over to Naruto and retrieving my gear, both he and Sakura stared at the ninja turtle that was berating Lee. After getting my sword and stuff attatched, I took note of Lee.
Poor bastard.
Suddenly, there was a mighty bright flash of light, followed by a puff of smoke, just as Might Guy appeared on the turtle's shell, in some weird-ass pose.
He may be strong, he may be a great guy, but he is weird as fuck, man.
THOSE EYEBROWS!
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…" -Shisui Uchiha
