Disclaimer: I'm just your regular night owl.
"You're pregnant?"
This was the scream that followed when Bella told Alice the news. The first person she'd told, of course, was Alice; the rest of the world would come later. The tiny girl would've thrown a fit if she wasn't the first person personally informed.
"I am," Bella smiled, touching her flat stomach. "Six weeks now. It's apparently why I was feeling a bit off during the trip."
Alice's mouth was still hanging open.
"I mean, I don't know if I want to cry from happiness or shock." Alice admitted, nonetheless throwing her arms around her best friend and hugging her tightly. "Tell me I'll be the godmother."
Bella laughed, nodding.
"Of course. I'd have it no other way," Bella said, hugging her friend back.
"So? What did Edward say? How'd he react?" Alice asked, bouncing up and down as she pulled away from her friend. They were in her room; they'd been packing for Alice's move into the dorms within the next couple of weeks when the bomb was dropped. Bella was positively beaming, so she wasn't worried about the man's reaction. Much. Bella tended to be too much of an optimist.
"Oh, he was shocked at first. Went on a walk for fifteen minutes and nearly worried me to death when he got back almost an hour later; he lost track of time, apparently. After that, he told me he was happy about it. Really happy." Bella sighed dreamily, suddenly sitting down at the edge of Alice's bed. "So am I, the more time goes by."
Alice smiled fondly at her best friend, grabbing her desk chair and rolling it over so she was sitting while facing Bella.
"You're gonna be such a good mother, Bell. I'm so freaking happy for you."
Teary-eyed, Bella gave Alice another warm smile. She was going to be a mother. Everything inside of her sighed happily.
"You know, many people these days think that being a mom is a bad dream; that somehow, because it's not a career aspiration it's worth less. That as women who've come far in the gender equality issue, it's our duty to want what men have always so naturally had. Or that you're trying to take the easy way out by settling down and making a family. I've heard many arguments, and I understand the people who think this way, I do. But, Ali-cat, to me who's never really known what a family is… It's the best dream I've ever had. I thought being an author would be the height of my achievements, but I can't remember feeling this ecstatic even the first time I released a book. I… that Edward gave me this gift, and that I can see it as one, makes me the luckiest woman on Earth."
Damn, Alice thought, looking at her best friend in surprise. If someone could shit hearts and giggles, it's this woman.
"So, what're your next steps? Ya know, after letting everyone know the good news."
Bella shrugged.
"Not quite sure. I want to buy a house, but I know Edward's a little skeptical about it. I've become too used to living by myself, and Edward's got the experience of his ex-wife and all. So I understand why he might be worried, but… His house really wasn't planned for another baby, and mine doesn't even have enough space for the three of us. I want us all to be comfortable."
Alice nodded, taking in her words.
"Don't you think maybe that's moving a little fast? I mean, you've only been dating a little less than a year and already you're gonna live together?"
Bella giggled, thanking her worrywart of a friend.
"Al, we're already having a child together. The concept of time has become irrelevant. Besides," Bella continued, a bit absentmindedly. "I know a lot of people. And I can tell you that if there's anyone who's worth giving such a huge chance to, it's Edward. Not to mention that…" Bella coughed a little, dislodging a little something that tried to wedge itself in her throat. "You know I grew up without a father, though not by anyone's fault. Still, whenever I think back to my childhood, I realize that the one thing I was always seeking, besides a good mother, was a steady father figure in my life. Harry became that to me, and he was so wonderful in just a few years in helping me put my life back together that I can't imagine depriving a child of the opportunity of being raised by Edward."
Alice felt her heart squeeze up, and she forced her own tears down. It wasn't often that Bella talked about her family (correction —this simply didn't happen, ever, till the last year), but whenever she did Alice always felt hands trying to cut off her air supply. Bella had gone through so much, and still she'd made herself into an amazing woman. Momma was proud.
"I get what you say," Alice finally said, thinking back to her own experience after getting adopted. "Truth is, I think just the mere fact of having people around that love you is what makes everything better, despite the number. In your case, you had no one for a long time, so when Harry and Sue came along they upped your standards of what's ideal. I have many classmates whose parents are divorced, and I think it's such a shame because what usually happens is that they can only receive love from one parent at a time. Or their parents divorced because one was abusive or neglectful, and my classmate never stopped trying to be loved back. So, like, while I understand divorce is necessary sometimes, the kids always get hurt one way or another."
Wow, this had taken a depressive turn. Alice didn't even know what she was talking about.
"Anyway," Alice abruptly changed the subject, one of her specialties. "When are you finding out the baby's gender? And please, don't you fucking dare tell me it's a surprise."
Bella laughed; no, she'd never even thought about it. She wouldn't be able to hold in her curiosity.
"Around the fourth or fifth month, so there's still a while. And no, Al, Edward already threatened me about not finding out beforehand."
What was it with people thinking she wanted it to be a surprise?
"Speaking of your baby daddy," Alice suddenly remembered a key element in all of this, rolling her eyes when her best friend blushed. "Bella, he is."
"I know," Bella mumbled, fidgeting in place. "It just sounds so… dirty."
Fuck.
"Speaking of him," Alice continued, pretending Bella hadn't spoken with so much innocence. "Are the two of you getting married?"
Bella blinked twice.
"Married?"
Alice licked her lips, staring at the mother-to-be.
"You mean to tell me you didn't immediately think to get married? You?"
Bella watched a scary movie once and had to go to Church to confess her sins. Alice couldn't seriously believe the same woman would have a child out of marriage.
"Well," Bella said, choosing that moment to lay back on the bed. Alice followed suit. "I just think that it's something that deserves its own planning. I don't want to rush it, on my end. On Edward's end, it'd be his second marriage. I know he wasn't married by the Church, so it's not that we couldn't, but…" Bella sighed, thinking of how the ceiling was starting to get a little bit yellow. It was probably time to repaint it. "I don't know if he wants to try again. I know he loves me, but I don't want to push him into marriage if he isn't ready."
Alice frowned.
"But you've known for a long time that getting married is important to you. What if he tells you that he doesn't want to? Ever? Even if he does want to stay with you?"
Bella hummed, thinking about it. She didn't reply for a couple of minutes, thinking deeply about her answer.
"I really love Edward, you know," Bella said, laying a hand on her lower stomach. "He's… Well. I didn't know I could love someone as much as I love him, as much as I love Alex. I think I really do need the two of them; I need Edward because I love him, and because I want to stay by his side as his children's mother. As for marriage —it's something I desperately want, truthfully. But I don't want it more than I need him. If he never wants to marry… I'm not gonna lie, Ali-cat. It'll hurt me, and a lot. I see the ritual as one where we begin a journey together with God, our friends and family as witnesses to our love and devotion to each other. I want to share everything I have with him. Should something happen to him, I want to be able to legally step in for Alex and not have to worry about what'll happen. There's a religious aspect to it, of course, but also a practical one. But… should it come down to it, I'll choose him instead of a ritual."
Alice also sighed.
"I just don't see why you should give up on the one thing you want; you never ask for anything, you'd be raising his two children, you'd even be bringing in the dough. So it's the least he could do to make you happy, right?" Alice grumbled, pissed at Edward's theoretical reaction to the thought of marriage with Bella.
"Alice," Bella smiled softly, not turning to look at the younger girl. "A relationship isn't a scale; it's not about how much one gives and quantifying it. The fact is, Edward is sacrificing things to do this with me —his independence, for one. He's trusting me with his greatest treasure, which is Alexander. He's giving up his home, which I know was hard for him to buy. I, on the other hand, am only receiving. Sometimes we receive, and other times we give."
Alice pursed her lips.
"Aren't you giving up your independence, too? Your home? Giving Edward your future?" Alice retorted, getting more worked up the more time went by. "Why do you think it's only him giving things up? Everything you're receiving, he is, too. The only sacrifice I'll give you is him trusting you with Alexander, which we both know is really a blessing. So no, Isabella, I'm not gonna let you delude yourself into thinking that he's giving up so much and you're not. If anything, you're the one that's gonna end up giving up more things in the long run —and I swear I'll fucking hit you if you try to smile at me and tell me that's not it, pregnancy be damned."
Bella laughed.
"Well, so long as I have you by my side, I feel like nothing can touch me," Bella said, hooking her left arm with Alice's right. "I really want you to meet the little one inside me. Should something happen to me and Edward," Bella said, tightening her grip on Alice briefly before relaxing her hold. "I want you to know, there's no one I'd trust more with my child than you. But I think perhaps, depending of the circumstances, I'd rather for Esme and Carlisle or even Sue or Leah to raise it and Alex; fantastic as I know you'd be, I also don't want to interrupt your life. So if, for some reason, Edward and I don't make you the future guardian in case something happens to us —know that I'd amend that as soon as I thought you were in the position to take care of things. Which probably won't be for a few years."
Alice frowned.
"You're already killing yourself off or something? Nothing'll happen to you, Bell."
Bella cast her best friend a look sideways.
"Alice, you and I both come from parents who never thought to leave us to someone —mine because it never mattered, yours because they didn't foresee any accidents. I'm glad we met, so glad, and I'm sure we went through what was necessary to get to where we are, but… Things would've been much better for me if I'd had someone my mother or father had entrusted me to. I never, ever, want to subject a child of mine to the same system. It's not kind to everyone, and I don't want to take that kind of risk."
Sometimes, Alice forgot how absolutely miserable Bella had been back then. It was convenient for her, truly, to forget her friend's suffering. It made the times where she remembered that much more painful, though, and shameful.
"You're right, Bell. Just… don't talk about dying so much, alright? I feel like you're jinxing it."
Bella giggled.
"You can't help but become a worrywart when you're protecting a life inside of you," Bella said fondly, rubbing her stomach. "And two more."
-.-
"You're… pregnant?"
Rose sat back in her chair, stunned. She and Bella hadn't met in almost two months, which was a nightmare given that Bella had just released a book. Another hit, for what it was worth. They were supposed to meet the week she came back, but the younger girl had cancelled and gone off the grid all of a sudden. Was this why?
"I am," Bella said happily, unable to keep herself from rubbing her flat belly. She'd left Alice's a few hours earlier, knowing she had to tell her editor and friend sooner rather than later. "Six weeks."
Again, Rose just blinked, still stupefied.
"Are you… ok?" Bella hesitantly asked, concerned after a few minutes had gone by and Rose still hadn't answered. The older woman snapped out of it.
"Oh I am, sorry about that. It's just that…" Rose sighed in frustration, hating herself for not being absolutely ecstatic for her friend. "I'm just a bit jealous, is all."
Bella didn't say anything, knowing Rose would elaborate.
"Emmett and I… we've been trying to get pregnant for a long time. It hasn't worked out, to say the least, and it's got us a bit heartbroken, to be honest. Our most recent attempt was… well, it failed. I couldn't keep it longer than two weeks. I…" Rose's lips trembled, looking down. "We're gonna try with in vitro fertilization one time, and if that doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be."
Bella reached over the desk to her friend's shaking hand. Giving her one of her most sympathetic smiles, Bella held it tightly, knowing the woman needed comfort.
"Rose," Bella said gently, her grip betraying her real strength. "You will be a mother, one way or another, if that's what you want. There are many children out there who could use a mom like you."
Honestly, Bella hadn't thought of being a mother before now, so she'd never even thought of ever adopting. Being unmarried wouldn't help with such a process, on one hand. On the other… Bella felt perhaps her support would be better aimed at a large number of children instead of just one. She usually went once a week to the local orphanage to play with the children and lend an ear to those who needed it —things she hadn't had that could've helped make her more affable to adults seeking to adopt. She wanted to help the lonely, sad, or angry children who couldn't deal well with their situation. She was really attached to the place she went to, but she felt that if she were ever to adopt the child would have to come from that place —which would make it hard to go back and face the children she couldn't take home and tell them they were all worth loving. Perhaps she was overthinking it, but when it came to so many little hearts, it was best to do your utmost to not stomp on any of them.
"I know, Bella. Thank you," Rose sniffled, trying to suppress her tears. "I'm sure you understand… It's not that I wouldn't want to adopt, but my first instinct is to have my own. To feel them grow inside, to see they have my nose and Emmett's eyes… I have had this dream for as long as I've known that big doofus I married."
Bella understood, really.
"And you should chase it all the way till the end," Bella smiled, releasing her friend's hand. "I'm sorry if my news made you sad, Rose. That wasn't my intention."
Oh, damn her for being such a good person.
"Of course not," Rose coughed, mumbling something to herself. "I'm just indulging in petty jealousy, is all. But I'm happy for you —as much as I can be, I guess."
Bella smiled.
"Thank you, Rose."
"Mom, would you please stop crying?" Leah cried, shouldering her weeping mother. "You've been at it for the last thirty minutes, and you know I can't stop if you don't."
Bella was with the Clearwater family —Sue, Leah and Laurent had gathered to hear the news in their childhood home. The day after informing Rose and Alice, Bella had decided it was time to make the drive out there. Edward was meant to be telling his parents and Tanya at the same time; the two thought it was something that they wanted to share in private with their families, just in case someone had a bad first reaction. As in, Edward didn't know how his parents would react; they'd seen how much he'd suffered with Lauren, so it wouldn't be strange if they had mixed feelings about it. So the couple had decided to do their announcements separately.
The three Clearwaters had taken it well.
When Bella had suddenly announced that she was pregnant, Laurent's eyes had almost popped out of his head; at the same time, Sue started screeching in excitement while Leah had congratulated her sister for what was obviously good news to her. After the screeches, though, Sue had started sobbing, inciting the susceptible Leah to cry as well. Laurent had just quietly started asking Bella about the pregnancy; how long it had been, what the plan was, what Edward's reaction had been. Bella had decided, for Edward's sake, to not tell the part of him walking out for air anymore. She'd known that even telling Alice would be a bad idea, but she couldn't not tell her oldest ally; her boyfriend's actions being misconstrued was too easy, and she knew how fierce her family could be if pissed off.
"But I'm just so happy!" Sue wailed, hugging for the twentieth time her adoptive daughter. "I can't believe I'm gonna be a grandmother!"
"Mom!" Laurent snapped, frowning intensely. "You're already a grandmother, you old croon. Or does Seth not count somehow?"
But Sue Clearwater was not deterred by her son's attitude.
"That cheeky brat called me Sue the last time he was here! So no, he's out."
Oh yeah, the woman could hold a grudge. Laurent rolled his eyes, but didn't comment on that any further. Seth was going through a phase where he was calling everyone by their given name, even teachers; he'd gotten detention once and he'd stopped doing that in school, at least. He occasionally slipped, though, and called him dad or Tanya mom. Laurent's theory was that Seth wanted to stop calling Irina mom, but in order to do so without creating too much of a fuss he had to do it to everyone, or else heads would roll. Lately, Irina had started getting more… overbearing with Seth. It was hard for the boy to be treated with so much love by his step-mother and then have to be scrutinized during the weekend by his birth mother. Seth loved Irina, he really did, but… Irina was getting increasingly difficult to love. Knowing her, she was scared of losing Seth to Tanya and was going crazy in response. It was a conversation that he was saving for later.
"Oh, we both know you'd rip your heart out for Seth, you kid no one," Leah sniffled, rubbing her mother's back. Leah had been there for Seth's birth, and the way that woman had cried defied all logic or reason.
"No one," Bella emphasized, chortling when Sue shot her a glare. Her tears were finally dying down, probably prompted by Laurent's interference. When the older woman was finally calm enough, she posed her own questions —pretty much the same as Laurent's, except for one final question.
"What did Edward's son say?"
That.
"Oh, um…" Bella fidgeted, avoiding Sue's eyes. "We haven't told him yet. So I'd appreciate nobody telling Seth either until we do."
All of their mouths dropped.
"You haven't?" Leah breathed, having truly not expected this from Bella of all people. Said woman flinched.
"Belle, why?" Laurent frowned, moving closer. The trio of women had been sitting on the couch, with Laurent just walking around the room the whole time. Now, Laurent came to sit right in front of Bella, sitting on the edge of the coffee table.
"Laurent, get your ass off my table," Sue snapped, pushing her son with the tip of her shoe. Huffing, Laurent moved so he was sitting on the floor looking up at his family.
"Honestly, I think that… we're scared," Bella confessed shamefully. "Alex could take it well, but he could also take it very badly. We want to be sure of a way to tell him that doesn't hurt him, especially given how much change would be coming his way. He's getting a new sibling, he'd be moving houses, he'd start living with me. We don't know if he'd see all of this as a good thing, especially because… well, he's not getting a say in it. The new sibling is coming either way, and I know Edward and I want to raise this child together, which means we have to live in the same space. His current house wouldn't fit a family of four, and obviously there's no way Alex has the option of living with someone else. I mean… it's all happening to him, and I know how overwhelming it can be. I just want us to think of the best way of saying it."
Laurent flicked her knee.
"Belle, you've got to give him a chance. He needs to find out from the two of you, and if you keep informing everyone before him he's gonna find out from someone else. Not to mention, I know my wife. Secrets are really not her thing."
—.—
"Again?"
Tanya started whacking her brother's back incessantly with a cushion, pouring way too much strength into it.
The Cullen family was currently gathered in the living room, being late at night given how hard it was to match everyone's schedule. Alexander was with Eric, having a sleepover to celebrate their last week of freedom. Edward was sure he'd be picking up a green looking kid tomorrow morning; every time Alex stayed the night at anybody's place, he'd gorge on junk food so much that he'd be sick for the next two days. But oh well; such was the curse of a father.
Now, after the giving he news, he had to admit he was glad he'd done this without Bella. It was better for their natural reaction to come out first and at full capacity in the privacy of their home.
"Again," Edward mumbled, hanging his head. He didn't even try looking up at his parents; he could roughly imagine their faces, anyway.
"Why? Why would you knock someone up again? And my husband's sister to boot?"
Because I fucked her, that's why, now stop fucking hitting me.
"That's just the way shit happened," Edward grumbled, not saying anything else. If he told his sister to stop, they'd be at it all night long. Even though parents always said you shouldn't hit girls, Edward knew it was a heavy double standard; Tanya had always hit him, but he wasn't allowed to hit back? Nah, fuck that. It was how he'd lost his first tooth, too; he'd pulled out a chunk of her hair and she'd punched him in the mouth. He thought in general siblings hitting each other wasn't something that should be allowed, or hitting anyone in general, but… His sister was the one person on Earth he could fight with to his heart's content; she was fucking strong, too, despite how dainty she looked. It always looked like an unequal fight to an outsider, when they used to kick and fight each other, but they'd always known they were pretty much on equal ground.
So now, with Tanya hitting him with all her might, it fucking hurt. But he let her just this once, knowing she needed to let it out.
"Are you… marrying her?" Carlisle asked, cutting his glance to his daughter. "Tanya, stop that. Now."
Ye'sir.
Huffing, Tanya sat back down, placing the cushion in front of her. She and Edward were sitting on one loveseat, facing their parents who sat on the other one.
"No, I'm not," Edward finally answered, glaring at his sister out the corner of his eye. He'd get to her later. "From how shit went down with Lauren, I figured just getting married straight up wouldn't solve anything."
Esme sighed in relief.
"Oh, that's good, son." Esme collapsed against her husband, suddenly feeling way too tired. "I was scared, for a moment, that you'd repeat the same mistake."
Edward shrugged.
"I don't rule out the possibility, mom. Bella's very religious, so there's a chance she'll want to get married; if it was important enough for her—"
"Son," surprisingly, it was Carlisle who admonished him. "Marriage isn't something you do because of someone else. If you marry Bella because it's important to her, it's the same as having married Lauren because you got her pregnant. A marriage born from duty has no future in this society where less and less people believe in working through problems and going straight to divorce."
Edward frowned.
"Like me, you mean?"
Carlisle didn't budge.
"Lauren was a bad woman from the start. No amount of counseling could've helped you through it. Bella, though, is a magnificent woman; I sincerely doubt that she would marry you out of necessity. If she tells you she wants to marry you, respect her enough to know it's because she loves you and not because of her commitment to an institution. If you, though, were to marry her reluctantly… it doesn't matter how much you love her, you won't want to stay with her if you feel like your hand was forced. Especially not with how natural divorce is these days."
Edward knew that his father was right, but he was also feeling kind of attacked. He reacted as such, too.
"You know how hard it was for me to end things with Lauren. There was nothing natural about divorcing her, dad."
Esme put in her two cents.
"Of course not, Edward," Esme said, shooting both men a glare. "What your dad is saying is, basically, he's worried about you. You, Bella and the children. Divorce is hard enough for the couple involved, but imagine how hard it would be for Alex to go through it twice? What your dad is trying to say is… Marry Bella because you love her. If you marry her out of a sense of responsibility, it's highly unlikely the two of you would choose to stay together. Relationships can fail for different reasons, but don't repeat the same mistake."
Heart pounding, Edward got up. He was getting angrier by the moment.
"I came here to give you good news. Bella and I are excited by this, even if it was unexpected or in a wacky order. I am happy about it. She and I are two adults who've decided to go through shit together; I'm not talking about marriage and neither is she. All we wanted was to let everyone know that we're gonna have a new family member. I'm going home now," Edward said to the silent room. He looked down at his sister, who always defended him. "Please don't say anything to Seth until we've told Alex. Bella and I want to do that together."
"Edward—" Esme began, but stopped when she saw that her son was actually angry. He usually was hard to anger, but when he did, it'd take a while for him to cool down.
"The next time you see Bella, at least pretend to be excited, won't you? For her sake."
Edward left, heart hurt and head pounding from the oncoming headache.
"How'd it go?" Was the first thing Bella asked when she opened her apartment's door to let Edward in. It was half past ten; she'd gotten back home only a little while ago, so she'd been in the middle of putting on her pajamas. Edward had a key to her place, but he was always misplacing it, making her almost always have to open up for him.
Instead of answering, Edward stepped in and closed the door behind him. He looked down at Bella; she was wearing one of his shirts and nothing else. She had pants on one hand, though, so he'd probably arrived before she could put them on.
"Edward? You ok?"
Hunching down, Edward silently grabbed her by the ass and carried her over to the bedroom; she didn't say anything else, just letting him place her gently on her back on the middle of the bed. He lifted her shirt quietly, then slipped his arms under her ass. He laid a kiss on her lower belly, then placed his cheek there. Blinking, heart torn to bits, Bella just brushed her fingers through his soft hair.
"I wish the baby has your hair," Bella suddenly said. "My mom was a redhead, you know. So I think there's like a 50/50 chance it does."
Edward said nothing, choosing to just kiss her belly again.
"And if they have Alexander's charm, I'd be happy. Or his spark. Or your kindness. I suppose if they just resemble you a tiny bit I'd be happy." Bella said, feeling how Edward's arms got tighter around her the more she spoke. "But even if they were totally different from you, that's fine, too. I'd love them as much as I love you."
Edward swallowed hard, dreading what he had to say.
"Bella… What if I told you I never wanted to remarry? That I want to be with you, but not get hitched. What… would you say?"
He felt Bella's hand pause its movement for a few seconds before continuing its caresses.
"I'd ask you why not," Bella said, staring up at the ceiling.
"Because I did it once for someone else, and it hurt three people. And I'm afraid that doing it again would hurt four."
Bella didn't reply this time, and even after ten minutes went by, there was still no answer from her. For a moment, Edward thought she'd fallen asleep thinking; then she spoke, and all he could do was hold her tighter through her words.
"I think I'd be hurt. Very hurt. I'd understand, but I think as the years went by it'd be harder to avoid the sting. I'd be worried, too. What if you got hurt and I couldn't run to your side because I'm your wife in all but paper? What if something happened to me, and this child couldn't go straight to your care? So I think I'd be hurt, and worried, and sad."
Edward felt his mouth was much too dry.
"Would you leave me for someone who was willing to marry you?"
Bella thought she was doing a good job of talking calmly, despite how unceasing her tears were.
"Not for someone who was willing to marry me," Bella managed to get out. "But because it would hurt to think the person I'm in love with sees marrying me as a burden."
Her words snapped Edward out of his trance. He sat up in a hurry, but before he could say anything Bella had turned her back to him.
"Can you please leave for today? I want to be alone."
His heart hurt, but the leftover anger from earlier spoke. He got off from the bed.
"What, so I say one thing you're not happy to hear and you kick me out? Is that how this works?" When Bella didn't reply, Edward scowled even harder. "Bella, fucking answer me. Are you a kid? You gonna give me the silent treatment?" Still nothing. "Fuck, fine. This is what I get for again knocking up a woman I've known for just a year. And you want me to marry you? When we hadn't even fucking fought before? I was just being honest with you, and you take it to heart like this. Fuck."
Calmly, just like always, Bella sat up; she met Edward's eyes, and he saw that she had tear tracks down her cheeks. But he didn't budge; not yet.
"You're hurting me, Edward. And if this is how you become when you're angry, can I trust this isn't who you are? Someone who hurts, who says mean things, who is condescending. Is this who you are, Edward Cullen?"
Her words were like a slap in the face. Was this who he was? Who he wanted to be? He saw the hurt in her eyes, the pinched look on her face. The expression that said she didn't recognize who she was talking to.
"Bella—"
"I told you, didn't I? That I would always steer clear of anything and anyone who might rob me of peace. I might be a lot of things, Edward, but I'm not a masochist. I have lived too long withstanding others putting me down to let someone else do it again. So," Bella said, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "I am asking you to leave before you say something you can't fix."
Swallowing down bile, Edward took one last look at the woman he loved most and did as she asked. What else could he do? He'd fucked it all up.
Beep.
"Bella, it's Edward. Please pick up the phone. We need to talk about this."
Beep.
"Love, please pick up the phone. I don't know where you are, and Alice won't tell me shit. I need to know you're ok… That we're ok."
Beep.
"Bella, for fuck's sake! I know you're angry with me, but come back. Please, it's been a week already. You're somewhere alone, and if something happens to you or our kid… Fuck, I'll die. I really will. Please come back already."
Beep.
Sobs.
"Bellaaaa…. yer not gonna leave, right? Cause of what I said? I mean, I know I fucked uuuup, but I can't wrong rights… right wrongs… if you don't let me. Call me—"
"Thanks for letting me crash here, Rita," Bella thanked for the nth time the woman in front of her, who just laughed it off.
"Please, after all you've done for me? It's the least I could do. You're no trouble, really. Stay as long as you want." Rita said, smiling at the woman. Rita was a surgeon; she and Bella had met during one of her trips to the hospital in her teenage years, and they'd become good friends. A couple of years ago Rita had decided to join a private practice by the beach, and had bought a bungalow to match. It was very nice, but more than anything, it was a three-hour ride from home. Bella'd told Alice where she was going, but had left her phone home. She needed to not wait around for Edward's mails, texts or calls.
"Would you mind if I stay for a week? I promise I'll be out of your hair by then."
Rita just waved her off.
"You can stay for a month and I won't mind, girl. Really. All I ask is you let me help you when you're ready, ok?" Rita grinned brightly, pulling the younger girl in for a hug.
"Thank you," Bella mumbled, holding back a sob. As if presenting what was gonna happen if she didn't let go, Rita released Bella and quickly herded her to the back of the house.
"The beach is over there; the towels are in that closet if you want to take one. I personally recommend going out to take in some fresh air." Rita said, kissing her friend on the cheek. "I've gotta go now, Bells. Call me if anything happens, alright?"
Bella nodded, giving her friend the best smile she could muster.
With a quick adieu, the doctor left, off to save lives in other ways.
Soon enough, Bella was laying down on the sand of the calm, nearly empty beach.
In the silence, words flittered through her head.
"I don't know if he wants to try again. I know he loves me, but I don't want to push him into marriage if he isn't ready."
Another.
"Bella… What if I told you I never wanted to remarry?"
Another one.
"Fuck, fine. This is what I get for again knocking up a woman I've known for just a year. And you want me to marry you? When we hadn't even fucking fought before? I was just being honest with you, and you take it to heart like this. Fuck."
Unbidden, a memory surfaced from the back of her mind. One where her mother had a black eye, and she was talking on the phone with someone. A friend, Bella had assumed. "He just snapped," Renée had said. Bella hadn't known then, nor did she now, who her mother had spoken about. But she did understand now what the words had meant; that sometimes the people you didn't expect to lost their mind, and they did what you thought would never happen. No, Edward hadn't punched her —not physically. She, herself, had once had an explosive temper; but she'd been fourteen then, not thirty-one. She'd had no one who cared then to correct her, and she'd been a child. Edward was a grown man, and he'd chosen to hurt her. He'd called her 'a woman he'd known for just a year', he'd questioned her getting hurt. He told her he didn't want to marry again —as if she could ever be a woman like Lauren. She wasn't looking to get married right now, so it wasn't that she'd demanded of him anything. Was it so wrong to want something and express it? He'd asked her a question and she'd given him an answer. Was she expected to lie? To reach forty and then confess she was unhappy that he hadn't married her? She could've, to be perfectly honest, if he hadn't insinuated they were destined to fail. If he hadn't made it sound like she was… 'another woman'. Marriage wasn't a dealbreaker for her, but being with someone who snapped when angry was.
Bella shivered; the wind was chilly over here, and she'd arrived in shorts and a t-shirt. She'd go back in a while, but right now…
The sound of the waves crashing against the seashore was just too relaxing.
"Hello?"
"Edward dear. Are you ok? We haven't heard from you in a few days, and we've been worried sick."
"Hey mom, I'm… not gonna lie, I'm in a fucking dump right now. Thanks for taking care of Alex, by the way. I don't want him to see me this way."
"Of course, he's our grandson, honey. Edward… Please talk to us. Is it about the other day? Did something happen with Bella?"
A sigh.
"I fucked up, mom. Big time. I said some things… Shit, what am I gonna do if she breaks up with me? What if she decides to raise the child by herself? Or if she drops off the face of the Earth for good, and I never see her again?"
"Baby, what did you say?"
A retelling.
"Oh, Edward Anthony Cullen, how could you?"
Anger.
"No, it's not about how could I. You and dad got those ideas in my head. I'd never even thought of that shit, and yet you started telling me I couldn't marry her because of this and that when she hadn't even thought of it, either! It's not fair, ma! You're the people I love and trust most in the world, and yet you said exactly that about us. You think I could just ignore what you said?"
More anger.
"Oh no, Edward, your father and I told you our worries. We never said you shouldn't marry her —just that it had to be for the right reasons. We did not make you utter such things, and the fact that at this age you're unable to make yourself accountable for your words is incredibly concerning. You want to fix this? Fix yourself. Fix that mouth of yours. Your anger tantrums might not be frequent, but they are hurtful. You're an adult. Act like one. You might be able to fix things this time, but next time? Your words hurt Bella, but imagine if they'd been aimed at Alex. That would've scarred him. Get help, Edward, and stop fucking drinking."
Hang up.
When Bella arrived home, she found that the lights were turned on. Everything was pristine, but there was a clear bag filled with what seemed like beer bottles inside. Huh?
"Alice?" Bella called out, doubtful. Alice was meant to be about to leave for college. She heard a thump, and then there Edward was, looking like a hot mess by her bedroom's doorframe. "Edward? It's a Thursday night, aren't you supposed to be at home?"
He walked the short distance to where Bella stood. He smelled like he was fresh from the shower, but he looked like death incarnated.
"I haven't gone to work this week. I've let James get a handle of things in my absence."
Disappointed, Bella frowned.
"I realized you left your phone, so I'm not expecting you to have gotten my voice calls. But… are you ok? Where were you?"
Bella sighed, putting down her bags.
"At the beach; I stayed at a friend's house. Your dad was her mentor, she says." Bella said, not seeing the point in lying or avoiding the questions.
"I'm glad. She would've been able to help you, if anything had happened." Edward said, looking genuinely relieved. Bella relaxed a fraction; so, she didn't have to expect a yelling match.
"She would've," Bella agreed, then crossed her arms over her chest. "What are you doing here, Edward?"
He gave a few steps closer, towering over her as always.
"Waiting for you to come back. I was worried, and I needed to see you. To fix things."
Bella pinched her lips together, the last week suddenly crashing down on her.
"I'm tired, Edward. Can we do this tomorrow?"
But Edward shook his head profusely.
"Today. Please. I've been in hell the last few days, thinking of everything. Let me fix us."
Bella gave a deep sigh, but ultimately gave in. His eyes were too sad, too sincere, too beautiful to say no to.
"Let me put on my pajamas."
Edward waited for her outside, in the living room. He saw her come back out —this time wearing pants and her U-Dub shirt. She looked the most tired he'd ever seen her, and it pulled at his heartstrings to know he'd been the cause.
"Talk to me, Edward."
And so Edward did. He spoke of everything his family had said, how his fears had suddenly bubbled to the surface. That he'd felt so shackled to Lauren that the mere concept of marriage freaked him out; that he hadn't, actually, tried envisioning himself tied that way to Bella. That his previous union had been so awful beginning to end that he had a hard time separating a happy marriage from one out of duty. That he loved her —always. That he wanted her —always. And that he didn't want any other partner. That he shouldn't have reacted that way, and instead have taken his time in imagining what a world with Bella as his wife would look like… if it was something he would like. That he shouldn't have talked to her that way, or pushed aside her hurt. That he was grateful she didn't fall down the same hole he had, because it made him reflect that much more on his words and actions. Most importantly, he told her he wouldn't make any empty promises. He told her he'd go to anger management sessions because even if his outbursts weren't frequent, they never should've happened. He didn't want her having to put up with bad behavior, nor have to fear he could get out of hand. He never wanted to react in such a way with Alex or the unborn baby. But, most importantly, he didn't want to lose her.
"You can't know for certain, obviously, that I plan to get a handle of things. That I do regret and abhor what I said. I know I gave you a lot of excuses, but ultimately…. It's like my mother said. I have to take responsibility for my words, and I will. I said those horrible things, Bella, and I want to do everything I can to change that part of myself."
Edward finished his monologue after half an hour, having laid himself bare at Bella's feet. She hadn't interrupted him once; had simply listened, waited for the moment he was done. When he was, she finally talked.
"I knew you'd be scared about getting married, Edward. And I told Alice that I needed you more than I needed that paper. I need you to trust me when I tell you these things and not unload your anger on me. I understand why what your parents said weighed you down, and I trust you when you say you didn't even think of what being married to me meant. I'm sorry I shut you down, I truly am. But please trust me when I tell you I want to be alone; I don't know how to handle strong emotions while being around someone else. I used to rage at anything that crossed my path, but that's not who I want to be. I learnt to be quiet when I couldn't let out anything good. Edward," Bella finally met Edward's eyes. They were bloodshot, as were hers. "I have been made a scapegoat to too many people's feelings. Don't make me yours, please."
Edward hung his head in shame.
"I'm sorry, Bella. There's really nothing else I can say. I didn't realize I had this problem until now, but I want to work on it. Will you… help me through it?"
Bella stood up from the couch.
"Of course I will. As long as you make an effort, so will I. That's what I can promise you."
Edward's lips trembled.
"Can I stay the night?"
Smiling softly, Bella nodded.
"Oh thank fuck," Edward breathed, rushing to Bella's side and crushing her in a hug. "I sleep like shit when you're not there. Even shittier when we're not on good terms."
He kissed her repeatedly on the top of her head.
"Me too," Bella mumbled truthfully.
The couple walked inside the room, climbed on the bed and got under the covers. Edward opened his arms, and Bella scooted back so he could spoon her. He felt how his heart finally settled down, how his lungs could finally finish expanding.
"I don't think I ever told you this," Edward whispered, hoping Bella hadn't fallen asleep yet. "But I never told Lauren I loved her. Her, or any other woman. But you… you, I even dream I tell you I love you. You, I need. I'll win your trust back. Will you let me?"
Bella snuggled deeper into him.
"I told you, didn't I? A man once gave me a million chances to prove my worth; I can give you as many as you show me you're worth. Act like you meant it and you can have a billion chances; never make any progress and you will probably only have a handful of opportunities."
Edward kissed the back of her head.
It would be a challenge, but for the sake of his family, he had to learn the weight of words.
And he would.
He could live without words; he couldn't live without Bella Swan.
Phew! Guess what, folks? Next is the last chapter! I'll try to make it extra long. I know I warned you last time I'd take longer in updating, but I wanted to apologize for taking even longer. As I'm sure many of you noticed, I suck at multitasking -be it in real life or in writing two stories at once. But now He Did, She Said is done! Yay! It took me longer than expected, honestly. Nearly a year. But this one's quicker. Shorter. Faster. Stronger. It's 2 in the morning, so forgive me for any and all typos. Also, sorrynotsorry I made them fight. Honestly, it wasn't planned, but shit just happened. And truth is, couples fight. Some respectfully, some have shouting matches. Shouting matches are bad, people; I want y'all to know nobody should ever put up with one. My parents have been married twenty-six years and I've never once seen them raise their voice at each other or be hurtful on purpose. I mean, my dad can be kind of explosive, which isn't good, but I'm also quick to be like 'nuh uh father', so he's gotten better with the years. I'm gonna hit the sack now. Also, thanks as always for the lovely reviews, and for every favorite and follow.
Leah.
