I don't have much to say about this chapter except that it's kind of perverted in a way. But hopefully you all understand that Oliver is a guy, so yeah. Just enjoy.

By the way, I saw Everybody Was Best Friend Fighting tonight… It was great. Oliver makes me laugh so much. Especially with the vampire thing, I seriously died laughing for like a minute. And also the episode portrayed some Moliverness, eh? That made me ecstatic, and if you haven't seen it and are a Moliver fan, you probably should soon. :D

Okay, I'm done.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana. Or the adorable Mitchel Musso. (sniffle)


DEAR STUPID
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Polka Dots

Saturday, December 22nd, around 4ish, back porch swing.

Dear Stupid,

Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy, holy Hell.

First and foremost, I apologize for the soaking wet pages. I had to carry you out from the mall somehow, and I wasn't able to dry myself off quick enough to get out of there.

I'll explain why I was drenched here shortly.

Now, I know I complain a lot to you about how I'm constantly put into embarrassing situations. But I really am. There must be neon orange lights on the top of my head that say "EMBARRASS ME SOME MORE, BIG GUY, I DARE YA!!!" or something for God to see. Otherwise I don't think it's quite human how many times I can be humiliated in a day.

So you know how I left off with Lilly dragging me into that clothes store?

Oh, by the way, I apologize for her calling you a diary, Stupid. You are a journal. Really, just don't listen to her girly terms. I mean, I have all these years, look where it's gotten me. I've been thrown into the Happy Hotel. Well, really just Dr. Harm's office, but that just might as well be what people are referring to when they say Happy Hotel.

So yeah. I followed Lilly into that store. She turned around to me when we got to the dressing rooms entrance.

"Third door to the right," and she freaking disappeared.

Like, literally. I don't know where she went the millisecond after she said that. She is one heck of a magician, I guess. Perhaps Captain Hook had kidnapped Tiger Lilly, like in Peter Pan. Er, you wouldn't really understand that, Stupid, but you never know. Captain Hook very well could have taken Lilly off to Neverland.

But, er, because of her disappearance (or kidnapping) I was so confused (and scared, kind of), but I made my way into the hallway of the pink dressing room doors. I was petrified at the thought of being caught in the girls' dressing room, but the thought of Miley in a skirt kept my courage up, pathetically enough.

"Miley?" I called nervously and knocked when I got to the door Lilly had specified.

No reply.

"Um, Miley? It's me Oliver," I tried again, but still there was nothing. I looked to the bottom of the door, but there wasn't an opening like in bathroom stalls. I am really an idiot for doing this next thing, but I turned the door's knob and slowly opened it.

"Miley, are you in here?"

Well.

She was.

In her hot pink bra.

And polka dot underwear.

Listening to her iPod.

And full out rock star dancing to the mirror in front of her.

Well, er, she was until she saw me in the mirror, too, just standing there in horror. Okay, not horror, but amazement.

She was really quite… hot. Oh, geez, I sound gross.

I wasn't even blushing for once, just staring at her, probably looking like a starved animal… maybe even drooling, I have no idea, but it wouldn't surprise me. I couldn't help but have my eyes go up and down her body like a freaking pervert.

And Ollie likey what he sawy.

Oh my God, Stupid, I think I may have become a pervert. I should be shot for thinking such thoughts about one of my best friends. But I am a boy. And she's a girl. It's… natural? Oh, God, no it's not. This is my best friend. This is Miley. Miley Stewart. Beautiful, half-naked Miley Stewart.

AHHHH!!!!!!!!! KILL MEEEEE!!!

Um, yes, anywho, Stupid, it was an extremely quiet two seconds when we were in that situation. Until, well, this squeal —

"AAAAHHH!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUUUUTTT!!!!!!!"

After I pretty much went deaf, I was literally shoved backwards by a half naked Miley, onto the ground, and two men dressed in all black picked me up and escorted, well, carried me out of the store with some very harsh words of how I should be arrested for "being a peeping Tom".

I said, "But my name's Oliver, not Tom."

Then, luckily, Miley came storming out of the store, gave a rushed explanation of, "He's my stupid best friend, and it was an accident," and grabbed me by the arm and dragged me off down the mall.

We stopped at the giant fountain.

I was staring again.

I swear, I almost regret seeing Miley half naked because now the image will not erase from my mind, especially at times of which I am looking at her. Hot pink bra… Polka dot panties…

OH MY GOD, I CAN'T EVEN CONCENTRATE, I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!

Like, twenty minutes later.

Er, Stupid, I'm sorry about that.

I needed a break.

So.

Me and Miley. At the giant fountain in the middle of the mall. (Just trying to reset the scenery for you.)

"Oliver," Miley in her polka dot panties said.

Yeah.

Never mind.

Screw this.

Another twenty minutes later.

I'm fully okay now, Stupid. Honestly this time. I'm ready to continue where I left off.

So, here we go. Again.

"Oliver," Miley began, setting herself upon the edge of the fountain. I cautiously took a seat next to her. "Um, well, I don't really know what to say after what just happened."

I could think of a few words, such as hot, amazing, and pounce.

Instead I said, "I'm sorry, Miley. I tried calling your name a few times, but you didn't answer." Her cheeks went scarlet. I smiled at her; she's adorable when she looks embarrassed. "But I see now it was because you were rockin' out to – "

"Justin Timberlake," she interrupted with a bright smile.

"Oh, well, I have to say that you were definitely bringing sexy back," I said.

I know, Stupid. I wish I could think before speaking sometimes, too.

Instead of her freaking out, however, she smiled at me, and I blushed redder than she had been a second ago. She leaned in closer, and it suddenly seemed like someone had lit my face on fire. Seriously. My face felt like 38579 degrees.

She raised one eyebrow at me, smirking dangerously and all sultry-like. I gulped. The temperature was rising in my body with every second.

"So you think I'm sexy, eh?"

I was extremely confused by this question. It seemed like Miley was actually flirting with me. This would mildly confuse me at any point in my life since I don't really think this has ever happened between her and I. But maybe I should celebrate instead of complain?

But then, this is me who we are talking about, Stupid. I obviously cannot control my mouth when it comes to talking to Miley, I mean, look at the "sexy back" statement I made.

But this next one takes the cake. Two cakes actually.

I blinked my eyes at Miley and said simply, "No."

I know – WHAT. THE. EFF. IS WRONG WITH ME??????!?!?!?

I mean, Stupid, I am, like, obsessed with Miley!!! You know this! She is drop dead sexy! Like, I think pervy thoughts I sadly can't control about her way too much. And seeing her half naked in front of a mirror was like some sick teenage boy fantasy of mine come true!

Well, just as I had suspected, Miley looked pretty tweaked. All at once, the seductiveness in her eyes and expression died, then reincarnated as a verrrrry scary glare. I mean, I don't blame her or anything. I had pretty much just told her she's not sexy, when she, in fact, is sexier than just about anyone. Even sexier than Jessica Alba in chains. Oh crap, that's getting crossed out…

Er, change of subject. I think the only reason I told Miley she wasn't sexy was because I didn't want her to know that I think about her in non-best friend related kind of ways that involve lots of kissing and… er, other things! SHE JUST CAN'T FIND OUT ABOUT THOSE KINDS OF THOUGHTS!

So, I struggled to cover this up, "I mean, yes, you are sexy! I—" I stopped short. Her eyes were becoming extremely narrow and menacing. I was almost positive that if her eyes had mouths, they'd be baring fangs.

"Um, I mean, you're like… Ow ow?" I tried, one of my eyes twitching like it normally does when I'm put under high amounts of pressure.

"Ohhh, I'll show you 'ow ow' alright!"

And the next thing you know, she had harshly pushed me into the fountain.

Everyone around us had suddenly directed attention to the boy with the notebook that had been launched into the water, A.K.A. me, and the girl who stomped away angrily with three shopping bags, A.K.A. Miley.

Some random guy walked over to me as I sat there in the fountain, my clothes drenched, and my hair almost completely covering my face.

"I think you blew it, man," he said sadly. I spat out a bunch of water on him like a whale, and he took off running.

I slowly got out of the fountain, and people were just staring as water dripped off of me onto the floor. I felt like a freaking drenched cat.

"Oliver?"

My head turned at the feminine squeak of my name to see Jackson and Lilly standing not too far away, each holding a slushie.

Jackson could not stand still any longer. He fell over laughing.

Lilly, however, actually decided to be (well, kind of) nice to me for once and ran over to me immediately, snatching my shopping bags and you, too, Stupid, so that nothing could become even more wet than it already was.

"What in the world did you do to her to make her that angry, you donut?" she hissed at me. "Grab her butt?!"

"No! I—"

"Save it," she said with a sigh. "Let's just go find Miley and go home."

"But I haven't got her a Christmas present yet!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up. Which really wasn't such a great idea, because a tunnel of water reached off my sleeves and all over Lilly.

"Oliver…" she growled, eyes shut tightly as if she was holding back all the patience in the world. "If I'm not home in the next thirty minutes, and it's your fault…"

"I get it, I get it! I will mysteriously become poisoned after a sip of my next glass of kool-aid!"

She blinked at me. "Well, I was just going to say that I'll tell Miley about your feelings, but hey, that works, too."

So unfortunately, I wasn't even able to get Miley a present, which definitely will make Miley hate me even more when she finds out I haven't gotten her anything.

Let's see here. I only saw her half-naked, called her un-sexy, and didn't get her a Christmas present all in one day (she doesn't need to know that last one, though). That's not going to score any points for Smoken' Oken at all. In fact, she's probably in her bedroom throwing darts at my head.

I was going to go back to the mall tonight, but I'm stuck watching Trent while Mom goes Christmas shopping for us. Yeah, THANKS, Mom. I'm outside here watching him throw toy airplanes around, two of which have landed ON MY HEAD, but oh, it's okay, 'cause I'm an idiot. "I'll gladly watch him, Mother." WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?

And tomorrow, the three of us are going out to lunch for some "family time" like Mom wants… I hate bringing the troll with me in public. He likes to blow snot boogers in my face.

Oh, and I also have to attend a CD signing at this library place with Miley, er, Hannah, where she will "officially break up" with "Harry Olive" in front of the public.

Oh yeah, in case you were wondering, Stupid, I was still stuck sitting next to Miley on the way home from the mall. Jackson "didn't want his passenger seat soaking wet". But that didn't seem to apply for some reason when Lilly got shotgun. 'Cause she was a little soaked herself… Whatever, Jackson.

The whole ride was horrible. Not one good thing about it. Miley was seriously so angry with me that she wouldn't even look at me. I even tried to apologize, but then she would just lean over to the front seat and turn the volume on the radio up louder. Overreacting much? I was really getting irritated with her (which I didn't think was possible), so I finally gave up.

She wouldn't even say goodbye to me when we got back to her house. Even Lilly and Jackson took the time to acknowledge each other's existence and wave and say bye to each other! Which, like, never happens! I was so upset I wanted to wilt like a rose and die. I would've gladly just admitted my freaking feelings for Miley straight to her face if I would've known that not doing so would cause her to hate me so much. Oh, lord, I just thought of something – she's going to have fun with the break up tomorrow… she'll be calling me a 'jerk of an idiot' in front of the press and actually meaning it… Crap.

Anyways, I was sulking home with Lilly, who was oddly not really saying much at all. I didn't want to talk about the Miley thing, so I just brought something random up.

"So you and Jackson are friends now?"

She seemed to almost trip on the sidewalk for some reason. "Er, uh, er, y-yeah. Is that weird or something?"

"Well, let's see. You only always used to refer to him as a 'talking chimpanzee'."

She looked at me. "He's not that horrible of a chimpanzee actually if you talk to him. He bought me a slushie."

I was shocked. Jackson barely ever let me have anything free, even those ninety-nine cent fries at Rico's. "Um. Why?"

"I," She opened her mouth, then closed it again… thinking, I guess. "… don't know."

"Alright," I said, confused, and we walked the rest of the way back to my house in silence. We departed ways when we got there, and now, here I am, writing in you.

My life sucks so, so bad. I wish sometimes it would just end.

The girl of my dreams hates me. Just because I said she wasn't sexy. Since when does my opinion even matter?

Wait.

DOES MY OPINION SUDDENLY MATTER?!?!?!?!

Oh. My – YES!!!

Sorry, Stupid, I'll write later!

I'm suddenly in a way better mood, and I need to somehow chase Trent down and get him inside, then get online and see if Miley's on! I have got to talk to her!

And I also need to erase the image of polka dot panties out of my mind. Really.


Oh, yay! Oliver's going to try and apologize for the millionth time. Miley does seem a big dramatic in this chapter, but she does overreact about a lot of things, so yeah. And wow, there was no mention of Jerk Rat in this entire chapter, I just realized. Cool. Haha.

Anyways, reviews are kindly appreciated as always.