She untangled herself and stumbled over to the bathroom without looking at Piper. It was a little too early. She pressed some toothpaste onto her toothbrush and stepped into the shower, turning up the water as hot as it would go. Then she stood under the water for what felt like ages, brushing her teeth. She was feeling slightly hung over.
As always in the mornings her mind seemed in its very own state, as though there were no thoughts at all. No matter what she had dreamt, she hadn't quite left it, was still racing through it like a character in one of those old jump n run games.
She spat the toothpaste onto the floor of the tub and stared at her naked old feet. The toenails were painted black like her fingernails.
The shower curtain rustled. Alex turned around and saw the blurred outline of Piper stepping into the shower. As she came closer Alex could tell that her eyes were hard, reproachful; but also kind of lustful. Alex's mouth twitched. She couldn't help it. Piper had stepped close to her moist skin, and the arousal made her grin stupidly despite herself.
"So you just went to my happy place without me?" Piper said quietly. Her voice was scratchy with sleep. She ran her hand up Alex's back. Their breasts were barely touching. Then Piper dug her fingers into Alex's hair and drew them into a firm grasp around Alex's scalp, pulling her slightly sideways so she could get under the hot water as well.
"Ow," Alex laughed. "So aggressive."
She leaned forward for a kiss but Piper pulled away.
Fine, thought Alex. She dropped her toothbrush, drew her arms around Piper's lower back and pulled her so close their fronts and hip bones were pressing against each other. Alex's nipples hardened painfully. Her hands wandered lower along Piper's back, massaging the soft white flesh of her ass, and lower even. She could feel Piper opening her legs and lifting one up to steady it on Alex's thigh. They rubbed against each other under the hot current of water, emitting low moans. When Alex bent forward to kiss Piper's small perfect breasts and their little nipples, Piper's fingers suddenly tightened in her hair and pulled her head back against the wall. Slowly, she urged herself between Alex's legs, stroking her while running her lips along Alex's throat. It made Alex quake. She could feel Piper's breasts pressing against her own. She grasped Piper's ass again and felt Piper's breath shudder against her collarbone. Then Piper moved into her, parting her lips so suddenly that Alex gasped aloud. Piper released her, then quickly moved into her again, touching that indescribable spot, making Alex cry out again, and again. It was just a little too agonizing. She dug her fingernails into Piper's back in return. Piper's mouth and tongue were wandering over Alex's breasts. Her mouth opened over an achingly hard nipple, her tongue flicking over it repeatedly. Alex dug her hands into Piper's hair, trying not to scream too loudly at Piper's hand inside her, fucking her, painfully. Piper wasn't even letting her kiss her. "I feel like you're tearing me apart," Alex gasped once. She tried reaching for Piper's cunt, but her hand was pushed away. Then she felt Piper dropping to her knees and Piper's tongue deliciously going at it right at her center. Alex leaned back. She reached for Piper's hand, which was running over her heaving breast, and came hard, sliding against the wet tiled wall and the hot water, with Piper doing those indescribable things inside her.
Alex gasped for breath. She knew she'd been loud. Piper was gasping as well. They both stood up shakily under the hot current after that, leaning against each other. Their skin felt hypersensitive, trembling at every touch. Piper ran her hands tenderly through Alex's hair. Alex pulled a towel from a stack off the washing machine and wrapped it around Piper. They didn't kiss or say good-morning at all.
Piper was wearing Alex's grey t-shirt and nothing else. She opened the fridge for a look inside and then, as usual, turned to Alex and wrinkled her nose wordlessly.
"Yeah well I wasn't expecting guests," Alex said apologetically. Her loins still had the deep, comfortable, aching feeling from her orgasm against the wall of the shower. She stood slouched against the kitchen table in her underwear and bra, sifting through the mail. Her first Sunday edition of the New York Times had arrived as well. They had turned on the radio and opened the back door. It was sunny out and unusually warm for March. Piper opened a can of coffee and spooned some of it into the filter. There was no milk. Alex watched Piper's lean back that was turned towards her, and the smooth white skin of her ass, and wondered whether she should apologize for this again. Instead, she grabbed her sweater that had been flung over a chair and pulled out the money she'd made the night before, folded into a tight little pack.
"It's time to do some grocery shopping!" she said with mock excitement. "Or we could go out for breakfast at the diner on Main Street."
"That's a terrible diner," said Piper.
"It's not that bad," said Alex. There was a tone in Piper's voice she didn't like but chose to ignore. There were other things on her mind. Piper was busily typing something on her phone.
Alex walked away to get their clothes.
"I was going to the grocery store, anyway," she said. "I can grab you a deck chair so you can sit outside and read, if you like."
"Sure," said Piper.
"So you're not coming with me?"
"Not unless you want me to."
"Of course I want you to."
"Okay then."
Alex felt a spreading coldness in her stomach. In the car, she pressed Piper's knee and said, "Hey, that really was something in the shower, huh?" but Piper just smirked at her.
"It's always something with you, Al," she said quietly.
Alex chewed on the side of her mouth. They pulled into the parking lot of the strip mall. Piper parked the car.
"We really do need to talk," Alex finally said. "You were right about that, last night."
"It's okay," said Piper calmly. She leaned aside and kissed Alex's cheek. "Really," she said.
She got out of the car without looking at Alex and Alex followed, fists in her pockets. She had to walk swiftly to keep up with Piper. A warm March wind was blowing at them that billowed their hair. "Look," Alex called, "I was pretty hammered last night, okay? I really do want to talk. I know it's not easy."
Piper turned to her and called out, "Okay, it's okay, we'll talk."
Alex nodded. She decided it was best to back off a little. They bought grapefruit, milk, and English Muffins, some eggs, etc.
Alex fetched a package of brownie mix from a shelf and dropped it in the shopping cart. "Y'know I have to work today, …" she muttered, "but I thought you might want to stay till Monday?"
Piper pulled the Brownie mix out of the cart and placed it back on the shelf. "If you want brownies, I can make you some with real ingredients, okay."
She headed for a package of organic walnuts and another of flower. Alex rolled her eyes a little.
"Real food," said Piper reproachfully, dropping them in the cart. "Monday's fine."
Alex suppressed her smile. It might have made her expression look like a smirk, so she looked down and pushed her glasses up her nose.
As they were waiting in line at the cash register, Alex wordlessly leaned forward and kissed the side of Piper's head. In return Piper gave her that shy, self-contained look that made Alex's insides flutter. Maybe they wouldn't have to talk, Alex thought. Maybe they just understood. She looked away and looked right into the staring eyes of Jessica Wedge who was in line for the next register.
"Oh hey, Jessica," called Alex, suppressing a chuckle. "How're the kids."
After breakfast they sat on the back porch in thick hooded sweaters. Alex had removed her socks and was enjoying the warm wooden planks with her bare feet. They were finishing off their coffee with milk and sharing slices of a pear Alex had cut with her pocketknife.
This is pretty much it, thought Alex. In an ideal world I would be right here. She wiggled her toes. Piper was leaning her head against the wooden banister. The noon light was falling onto a side of her face, lighting her blonde hair.
"Can I ask you something?" said Piper.
"Go ahead."
"Where would you want to go. If you still had the means of your old life, I mean. What would you do. Is it still the beach in Cambodia?"
"I think this is real nice," said Alex. "I was just watching the sun make this little upside down triangle under your eye here."
"Stop it."
"I'm not kidding. I mean sure, yeah, I'd like to go paragliding sometime again. Or go for a long hike. And Cambodia, of course. But I'd have to save up for all of that big time."
"Is there anything you're…"
"Are you inquiring about my intentions here, Piper?"
"Don't get mad."
"I'm not. It's information you need to know. It's completely valid."
Piper reached out and pulled one of Alex's feet into her lap. She started massaging the toes. They looked at each other. They smiled. Alex took a deep breath.
"I'd really give you that information if I could, honest." she said finally. "I wish I could give it to you right away but it's just not here yet."
"Okay," said Piper, massaging the sole of Alex's foot with her thumb.
"Okay?" said Alex.
"Yeah."
Alex wiggled her heel between Piper's legs and into her lap. She guffawed as she did.
"Hey," said Piper. "Stop."
"So," said Alex. She slowly withdrew her leg. "What are your intentions, then."
"My intentions?" said Piper, sounding surprised. She looked into the yard, then back at Alex. "I really did come here to ask whether you would like to work for us you know. The offer still stands."
Alex raised her eyes. She lowered her chin. "Come on," she said.
"Seriously, I did."
"You could've written me in prison. Or visited."
"I know, I could've," Piper's voice was low, "but I was afraid you wouldn't reply. Or see me. It was really just on a whim."
"You drove all the way out here on a whim."
"More or less."
"Okay. And the rest of it as well?"
Piper looked Alex in the eye for a long time. "No, of course not," she said. "I hate it when you say that. You make it sound like – "
" – like you are taking advantage of me?" Alex said coldly. She lifted her glasses and pushed them back over her head. She could feel laughter building in her stomach. "Yeah. Well, are you? We're all such emotionally stunted shits for all I know that it'd actually be kind of okay."
"Oh for fuck's sake, Alex."
Piper's temper was flaring up now. She scrambled onto her feet, hissing,
"I can't even get away from you. Can't you see that? I'm in love with you, you fucking asshole."
She walked back into the kitchen and banged the screen door behind her.
"Where're you going?" Alex shouted after her.
"Getting some milk for my coffee," Piper shouted back from the kitchen. There was a crash, and then Alex heard Piper muttering curses. A while later Piper returned to the porch.
"I dropped the milk in the sink," she said under her breath.
They watched the clouds move forward. Eventually the sun disappeared and it got colder; actual March weather. Alex sighed and stood up. She walked over to Piper. They stood there, holding the other's gaze.
"So what's the deal here," said Piper. Her voice was tough, solemn. "Are you going to hold my past choices against me for forever?"
Alex raised her eyebrows. "Honest? I wish I could," she said.
"You threw me in prison," said Piper coldly.
"And look, you're building a career from it," said Alex. "You're no picnic, Pipes. Okay? Now come on in, I'm freezing."
Piper drove Alex to Port Jervis at three. They kissed good-bye in the parking lot. It was a tender kiss, the kind that is so smooth there seems to be no break between matter and longing or even two people trying to over-bridge the exponentially eternal. They sat quietly in the car for a moment afterwards, not looking at each other. Underneath her parka, Alex was wearing the blue velvet dress Piper had bought her that day in Liberty.
"My God, I feel so raw," Piper said finally.
"Yeah," said Alex.
"You look beautiful in that dress," said Piper. "Hot, too, but you're always hot, so – "
"Thanks, Babe," said Alex.
They kissed again and then Alex got out of the car. "I'm going to buy some milk before driving back to the house," said Piper, "is there anything else you can think of?"
"Avocados maybe?" said Alex.
"Okay," said Piper, "I'll think of something. I'll see you between eight or nine."
Sunday was the hangover crowd day. A group of kids in their early twenties were drinking coffee and beer at one table. One lonely man in a red flannel shirt and beard hung at the bar, scribbling notes. That was about it. Alex in her boredom had gone to the rest room and applied lipstick. Jean was climbing around the stage with equipment that her boyfriend had brought earlier. There was going to be some concert that evening. Alex wrote the sign in chalk. Jean's boyfriend's band called themselves The Sneekers. It was the stupidest thing Alex had ever heard. She underlined the band name and drew a large white penis underneath. Then she drew little white dots on the testicles.
Jean came over and looked at it over her shoulder. "That's beautiful," she said, "They're going to be so thrilled."
She put the sign in the window, laughing silently. "I'm leaving it like it is," she said.
Then she came over to the bar where Alex was sitting on a stool. "You're looking awful nice tonight," she said. She pulled out her book and laid it on the counter but didn't touch it. "So, how'd it go with your ex?" she asked.
Alex raised an eyebrow and smiled smugly without looking up from the stack of cards she was shuffling. "It was alright," she said finally. "Mind if I go out for a smoke?"
Jean shrugged. "Fine," she said, "keep your mysteries, Mastermind."
She went back to her book.
Dusk was hanging over the patio. Two of the boys from the table were sitting on the smoker's bench, their legs outstretched. Alex lit her cigarette by the door. One of the boys looked up at her and leaned his head back. He was smiling.
"Hey," he said. He was emitting a familiar scent.
Alex walked over to them. She stretched out her hand. They looked at her confusedly, then handed her the joint, as though they were just offering it and she hadn't even asked. Alex took it, looked at them, then wordlessly dropped it on the ground and stepped on it.
"Aw, what did you have to do that for?" the other boy said.
"Pick that up," Alex said, "and leave."
The boys obeyed. They didn't even look up.
Alex sat down on the empty bench and took a long drag from her cigarette. She watched the smoke drift up and away into the dusky air.
When she came back the boys were still at their table. Alex pushed up her glasses and gave them a stare.
"No one's even here, man," one of the boys said.
"Look," said Alex, "it's Sunday evening and you're relaxing and this place looks mellow and all. I get that. But I asked you to leave, so now you need to leave."
"Yeah?" said the other boy, who was shorter, and had smiled at Alex in the patio.
"Or what?"
Alex looked at Jean, who averted her gaze. Alex took a deep breath and walked straight up to the boy. He was shorter than her and she kept walking as though she might run him over. She gave him a light shove with her shoulder and could feel him cower right then and there. "Just get the fuck out, you whiny little shit," she said quietly.
"I hated doing that," Alex said to Jean afterwards. "Those poor kids are just trying to relax and get away from their shitty lives. They'll go home and get high anyway. They'd do less if they did it out here in public and then stayed on for the concert."
"Yeah well boo hoo," said Jean. "You did your job. Rita'd be pissed if we'd let them stay. Also, it was pretty hot the way you did it."
They exchanged a glance. Jean had a teeny tiny mole under her left eye-lid. The dusty bar air was hanging between them. There was only one customer left, the bearded man in the red shirt. Jean looked at her watch. "I'm uh-going to go look for – " she muttered something and went to the back. Alex watched her go, and then listlessly stood behind the bar. She wouldn't follow Jean to the back, she suddenly realized.
The bearded man in the red shirt looked up from his notebook and nodded. Alex picked up Jean's book. She had guessed it would be something along the lines of Siddhartha or whatever it was hip kids in their twenties were reading, but it was a paperback of selected poems by Rainer Maria Rilke. She opened the book at a dog-ear and read, then flipped forward until she came to:
THE PANTHER
In Jardin des Plantes, Paris
His gaze against the sweeping of the bars
has grown so weary, it can hold no more.
To him, there seem to be a thousand bars
and back behind those thousand bars no world.
The soft the supple step and sturdy pace,
that in the smallest of all circles turns,
moves like a dance of strength around a core
in which a mighty will is standing stunned.
Only at times the pupil's curtain slides
up soundlessly — . An image enters then,
goes through the tensioned stillness of the limbs —
and in the heart ceases to be.
She put the book down again when she'd finished the poem. She blinked. Oh, she thought to herself, …
Then she thought of Piper, and her heart suddenly released a familiar ache.
Jean returned from the back, whistling between her teeth. She grabbed the book from the counter, flopped onto an empty chair at a table, and read, half turned away from Alex. The moment had passed for good.
People started arriving for the concert. Around eight, Piper showed up, looking around with her wide-eyed glance that made her look so young. Alex was serving at the bar. Their eyes met, and Alex's heart leaped to her throat.
"Hey," said Piper, sliding onto a barstool. Her eyes wandered over Alex in the blue velvet dress that exposed so much of her white chest.
"Hey," said Alex. She came out from behind the bar, drew Piper close and kissed her long and good. Piper drew her hands up and held the side of Alex's face. They kissed again, surrounded by the crowded bar around them, the shadows of the people and the noise and music.
"Sorry about the lipstick," Alex laughed, lightly touching Piper's lips. "I forgot I was wearing any."
"It's okay, it's okay," whispered Piper. They hugged again.
"So, how's your Sunday been."
"Good. I read the paper, and I worked on my article for the Atlantic."
"The Atlantic, huh?"
"Told you it was crazy."
A few women came up to the bar and ordered cocktails from Jean.
"Hey, you want something?" Jean called over, "a margarita?"
"I'm driving," Piper called back, "But thanks!"
"A bottle of Blue Moon, maybe?" said Alex. "We can share."
"Ugh," said Piper, grinning, "why not."
She took the beer from Alex's hands; the tips of their fingers touched. For a moment, everything that had happened to them that day hung between them, and more – huddling together on a bunk in prison for one stolen moment of comfort, the frantic rush to a gate before barely making a flight to Bali, roof top parties and dinners and waterfalls and conveyor belts and soiled hotel sheets and broken dryers and hot white beaches…
Piper remained seated at the bar, watching Alex.
"You look like you've been doing this for ages," she said after a while, "you look like you run the joint."
Alex stopped what she'd been doing, seized the beer from her hands and took a gulp.
"That's a fucking insult," she said, wiggling her eyebrows, staring at Piper mischievously through her glasses. It made Piper feel weak in the knees. They glanced at each other again, earnestly, almost shyly, as though they had just met and were the only people in the world.
"I love you, you know that?" Alex said suddenly, her voice cracking just a little.
Piper blinked. "Yeah," she finally said, "Yeah, I know."
