Chapter 11: I'm Okay (Christina Aguilera)


I felt adequate and capable for the first time in my memory, like I was almost good enough for Britt.

Almost.


"I was six the first time that my dad laid his hands on me."

"Has he done it often since then?"

"Every time my dad drinks I can usually expect at least a bruise of some sort. Usually when I know that he is going to
be home I try to stay out at Quinn's or Britt's. I have managed to avoid him for a couple of months now. We dance
around each other for the most part. I play my part as faithful, loving, and academic Santana and he plays the part of
doting yet distant father figure. I know though that if I step out of line that I will feel his wrath."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Helpless, I guess, I was just a kid back then and didn't do anything that extreme to deserve it but I have gotten used
to it. I learned quickly to just stay out of his way and to do want he asked of me, no matter what. When I left the
Cheerios after the whole human cannon thing, I got into a lot of trouble for doing so without his permission. I had to wear long
sleeves for weeks afterwards."

"Is that why you came back?"

"No, I love being cheerleader. I love the Cheerios. Marco taught me a long time ago that as long as I throw myself, with my full heart, into everything that I do I will be successful. I do the best at everything that I am involved in at school, even glee."

"How often did you interact with Marco as a kid?"

"A lot. My dad has five daughters, four of them from his first wife in Puerto Rico. He always wanted a son. Before I was born his best friend from church asked him to be Marco's godfather. My dad is this great surgeon and sits on town council. Why wouldn't this guy want my dad, right? I don't remember the guy but I know he really looked up to my father. Anyway, the guy ended up dying when I was about two and Marco was ten. Marco took his father's death badly, apparently, his mom had died of cancer just five years before so now he was basically left to be raised by his ailing grandmother. Marco had rebelled and was arrested a few times before my dad got a hold of him. I was a toddler so he didn't really know what to do with me but with Marco he did, I guess. My dad decided to be that manly influence for Marco, after bailing him out of jail yet again. From that moment on, I saw Marco almost everyday, we played together, he taught me to read, tie my shoes, and how to draw. Marco has been around all of my life. He is my family. I love him and hate him at the same time."

"Do you think that is healthy?"

"Of course not, I'm all fucked up coach. It is what makes me such a good bitch!" I smirked.

"Do you want to talk about the baby?"

"I'm not really sure what to say."

My smirk vanished.

"Whatever you want to say is fine."

"Well, it wasn't planned obviously. I had just turned 13 and Marco had just finished his first year of law school at Columbia. He had gone off to New York and finished college in two and a half years. He is an amazing talent and genius. He knows all my buttons and can manipulate like no one I have seen with the exception of you. So, yeah, he had been bragging about all the stuff he got from his trust fund since he just turned 21 and so he was taking me to go hang out at his dad's old cabin in the woods for the night. I was young and so stupid, I thought I knew everything, he was like a big brother, I had nothing to fear from him but of course that was until he forced himself on me...I wasn't ready for that."

"Did you tell anyone about it?"

"I told Q and my mom. My mom insinuated that I had asked for it by going off into the woods alone with a grown man. Keep in mind it was a grown man who until then I had been allowed to be alone with and nothing had happened. I was young though and my mother was the smartest person I knew. She told me to not bring it up again and I was forbidden from going to the cops. Q and I talked about it that one time and then never again."

"Did you see a doctor?"

"After a couple weeks I started having some serious cramps and was beyond sick so I convinced my mom to take me to a doctor. That's when I found out about the baby."

"What did your mom say about it?"

"We are devout Catholics, abortion wasn't an option and adoption is almost unheard of in my family. She told me that we would prepare my dad for the news but then time went by and I was gaining weight like crazy and my body was changing quickly. I was three months before I said anything and I wish I hadn't."

"Where did Marco fit in?"

"Marco and I had been dating long distance since he had school back in New York. He tried to fly out as often as possible. He treated me like gold. I had him wrapped around my finger. I forgave him for what he had done since my mom convinced me that I had asked for it. Of course all was well until I met Puck."


"What happened then?"

"My world fell apart. I met Noah when he came to clean our pool and we just talked, he was the first guy in my life that didn't treat me like I was his property. We were fast friends. I told Noah about the baby before I even told Q. There is something about Noah that is like coming home, even now, he provides me that protection that I haven't ever gotten from my own father or Marco. I had sex with him shortly after we met, which I realize now was stupid but I wanted to know what it was like to give myself to someone because I chose to. Marco found out somehow and so when we went to tell my dad about the baby, Marco told him what I had done with Noah and he wasn't sure whose baby it was."

"Do you think Marco believed the baby wasn't his?"

"Oh no, he knew that the baby was his, Marco just likes to have the upper hand. If I embarrass him he punishes me...that's actually how I ended up in New York and engaged as a matter of fact!"

"So what happened after you told your dad about the baby?"

"My dad got really angry that night so my mom told me to go stay with Q until he cooled down. My mom knew what my dad is capable of doing to me and so she was trying to protect me. Marco drove me to Quinn's and the whole time he made fun of the amount of shit I was in. He told me that he was sorry but that I needed to learn my place. He told me that my mom had and that she was happy now. I felt helpless and just needed a friend, someone to hold my hand and tell me I wasn't a slut and that I was better than people believed. I needed Quinn. That night I told Q everything. Quinn was so supportive of me and she helped me get to actually get excited, we talked about names and everything. I started to look forward to being a mom. I should have never got so attached. That's why her being pregnant was so painful for me and I just couldn't be around her and knowing that she had been so amazing to me killed me but I was afraid to get attached to Beth. I knew I was right to feel that way after Quinn gave her up."

"Have you talked to Quinn about how you felt?"

"Yea, I did. It was right after she had handed Beth to Shelby and signed the papers. We sat in her hospital room and she was so hurt. I had never seen her so broken down. I held her all night and then I apologized for everything and told her how I felt. She told me that she understood and that she forgave me."

"Good, she is the best friend you have. Like a sister."

"Yea, she is pretty awesome. I love her so much. I'm not close to my four older sisters they all have their own lives and kids. I don't think they even give my life any thought. Quinn is the sister that I would choose if I could, especially after that night."

"So you stayed at Quinn's that night but what happened once you were back home?"


"Ugh. I had walked home from Quinn's house in a great mood but I knew that I was walking into a minefield so I had tried to come home under the radar. My dad unfortunately was by the door waiting for me and of course he was drunk and when he drinks he gets irrational. He called me a slut and when I stood up to him for the first time in my life he snapped. I had been on my way up the steps and he had grabbed my foot and yanked me. I lost my balance and fell forward onto the steps and as he dragged me down he continued to yell and curse at me and tell me how much I disappointed him. I barely got away from him, I wanted to run but he was strong. He kept punching me and beating me. My mom came home and that was when he finally stopped. I was curled up in a ball at the bottom of the steps trying my best to guard my stomach but it ended up not even mattering. When my mom saw me she threw herself over my body and screamed out when one of his kicks hit her in the side. My dad backed off us and helped my mom up apologizing. He left me there but my mom hadn't forgotten me, she grabbed my overnight bag from the floor where I left it, helped me to my feet and again my mom asked me to leave."

"Where did you go?"

"Back to Quinn's, it was the only safe place I had. I mean sure I had Noah but I didn't want to ruin what we had with this drama and Marco was back in New York. So I went straight to Q, I was in agony. The physical pain was horrible. I am so grateful for Q, she took care of me as I you know…I lost the baby. It was the worse day of my life!" I took a deep breath but my chest felt tight. "I think I'm done, do you think that we can we stop now?"

I was shaking and sobbing.

"Yes. I told you Santana, you are in charge here. I am just trying to get you to stop holding in the things that you have been holding onto all of this time. So, just one more question first and then we can stop, okay?"

"Okay."

My voice sounded strained and scratchy to my ears.

It had been a trying morning and I really just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.


"Do you blame yourself for losing the baby, Santana?"

"Yes."

I got up and walked to the door before turning around, facing Sue, I cleared my throat and said what I had been feeling for a long time,

"Actually I more than blame myself, I hate myself for it. I deserve all the pain in my life, the bad karma that I have brought on myself."

I turned the knob and left the room.

I knew she wouldn't follow me for which I was insanely grateful.

I needed to be alone for a while and actually mourn what I had lost.


The stars were out and Quinn was snoring across the room as I lay curled in a ball.

I had cried all afternoon while Sue was drilling the Cheerios into the ground.

By the time Britt and Q had come back exhausted and sore I had fallen into a deep sleep.

At some point they left for dinner and left me alone for a while longer.

I felt drained and lonely.

I knew it was late but my body and my mind didn't seem to get the message.

I heard her before I felt her.

Britt wrapped her arms around me and kissed the back of my neck.

I felt my body relax into hers and some of my tension released.

"I love you Britt. No matter what happens this year, I will always love you." I whispered.

She hugged me tighter and kissed me again.

"I love you too Ana, you are my favorite person in the whole world."

"You haven't even met everyone in the world, Britt Britt."

"I don't need to silly cuz I already found you."

"Thanks Britt."

Britt began to sing sweetly in my ear about songbirds and then before I knew it I was fast asleep wrapped in one of Britt's bear hugs.

It finally felt like order had been restored.