A/N: I gotta stop making all these feels chapters….but then again you guys seem to like those. Therefore I won't. Here we go!
- Chapter 11: Never Ever -
Its really peculiar how people change around other people. They do so without noticing, or even if they know they're doing it, they might say they aren't acting any differently.
She was peculiar herself, I had to admit, though I don't think I should tell her that.
Then again she might not mind being called odd or weird…she said she took those things as compliments.
I felt a little stalker-like just sitting at the top of the stairs, watching her discuss some business with a few other Saints below. But at the same time, her mood, her persona intrigues me.
She speaks in a casual yet strict tone with the lesser Saints, her normally soft voice going firm and commanding. But she's our leader, and naturally they'd do as they're told.
Once she sent them away, she was only alone for less than a minute, before that bubbly hippy-chick, Shaundi as she had called herself, was sauntering over. The Boss changes again, her posture now relaxed and a lazy smile on her face. I'm not entirely sure what they discussed, they shared a quick giggle before Shaundi was slinking off to another corner of the room with a huddle of guys.
My eyes went back to the Boss and for that brief moment, I saw her change again.
Her shoulders slump a little, her normally bright eyes become downcast and her whole demeanor takes on a melancholy vibe. Like she's in deep thought or maybe she's sad about something.
Someone called out across the room, and I see one of the new lieutenants, Pierce, making his way to her for a moment. That same instant, the sad aura she had is gone and now its strict and back to business.
I could only faintly make out some of the things he had told her, something along the lines of "a plan" and "meet me upstairs in a few".
She had nodded her approval, and he was shuffling up the stairs and brushed by me. I looked back at her again, and once again she's in the middle of a group of girls, her body language becoming lax but her expression serious.
I can never really seem to catch her alone when I think about it.
She's always with someone, or there's always people around her.
They kinda flock to her, in a way, though sometimes it would seem she would rather be left alone. She always looks tense.
The chatter below died off quickly, and the group of females were making their way to the other half of the room where Shaundi had gone. The Boss was sitting in front of the little bonfire in the middle of the floor, her back to me.
Her hands were shoved in the pockets of her basketball shorts, her shoulders were hunched and she was slouching a bit.
A part of me is…curious.
I really wonder what goes on in that head of hers, maybe she's really as insane as the stories say? Or maybe she's not?
I tend not to judge people, you never know sometimes. Right now, the girl in front of the fire doesn't look like she'd harm a fly, let alone take a life. She looks like any other teenaged girl. She just looks contemplative, pensive…lonely.
She sighed, rummaging through her pocket and pulled out something which I assume was her phone. There were a few little clicking sounds, and she slipped it right back in her pocket.
It was still there, that little shroud of sadness she had with her, and before I could really process what I was doing, I was already getting up and making my way to her.
I didn't need anything, I didn't want anything…I just wanted to see.
How she would change when she speaks to me.
My footsteps alerted her of my presence, but she only cast a quick glance over her shoulder and smiled upon seeing me. "Got something for me, Carlos?"
I felt myself relax a little, "Uh, not at the moment, Boss. But I'm working on it."
"Ah, no pressure." She said, diverting her attention back to the waning flames. "Just don't take too long finding some dirt, okay?"
"Oh, I won't Niña, I promise." I squinted a little, stopping just a few paces beside her so I could see her face. It was serious, the light casting gentle shadows against her skin.
"Hey…" I pressed, garnering her attention, "You ok? You look…erm…stressed?"
She tilted her head at me, her mouth stretching into a small smile. "Running a gang ain't a cakewalk, honey."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, its just…"
Why do you look so sad?
"Its just what?" Her fierce gaze locked on mine, unwavering and direct. Most people shied away from that kind of eye-to-eye contact, and the only person I could think of who ever looked her dead in the eye is Johnny Gat. I'm not him, however, and I automatically looked down at my feet.
"You just look like you had a lot on your mind." Not what I wanted to say, but at least it wasn't coming off like I was trying to be her therapist.
Her shoulders seemed to slump a bit, "Is it that obvious?"
"Just a little. You just look so tense sometimes."
She nodded, lacing her fingers together and hunching over, resting her chin on them. "I guess…yeah, I kinda am." Her posture suddenly stiffened, "Why's it concern you anyways?"
I raised my hands up, "I didn't mean to pry or anything -"
"I usually dislike people worrying about me." She said matter-of-factly. "Bad things tend to happen to people who go worrying about someone else instead of themselves."
I swallowed, a chill coming across my skin from her tone. "That's not always the case, though."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah…I mean…I dunno." I shrugged at her, "You have friends, right?"
She eyed me, shifting a bit in her seat. "Yeah, I suppose you could say that. Only person with that title is Johnny."
"So, I mean, you don't worry about him getting hurt or anything?"
"Nah, Gat's a grown man." She paused with a soft chuckle, "Almost a one-man army, really. Never really had to check on him for stuff."
I blinked, "But if you two are friends, surely you both worry about each other and stuff…right?"
I saw her face go blank for a moment -just for a second or so - obviously she was thrown a bit off guard, until she spoke again, "I….well…hunh. Yeah, we do I guess."
She sat up straighter in her chair and twisted her body to face me, "Y'know…he is my friend, we look out for each other and whatever…but I've never had to really worry bout him."
"Does he worry about you?"
"What's he gotta worry about?" Her tone took a sharp edge.
I shrunk back, her direct stare was on me again. "I…uh…well…"
"He's got nothing to fuckin' worry about." She said tightly, her face going serious. "Nobody in this gang does, as long as I'm around."
"Boss, I didn't mean to -"
"Why the hell would anyone have to worry, why does everyone keep asking if I'm fucking okay or not?" She continued heatedly, "I got blown the hell up and came back, I ain't dead yet."
I started to say something, but bit my tongue instead. I definitely don't want to test her anger.
My quietness seemed to placate her, if only for a second before she snapped again, "That's all I fucking hear anymore, I hate it." she hissed through her teeth, "I don't need to rest, I need to get shit done!"
She stood up suddenly and kicked her chair straight into the flames, the fire crackling loudly as the wood began to char and burn. There were a few hushed murmurs from the other side of the room, no doubt it looked to them like I was pissing off the Boss.
It most certainly looked like she might try to throw me in the fire next.
"Niña," I started softly, "I don't doubt you, I wouldn't have came this far if I didn't have some kind of faith in you."
I watched her huff, folding her arms over her chest and looking away with a grimace. She didn't appear to believe me. "Seriously, Niña. You've done so much already."
With that, she actually turned her head and gave me a sideways stare. "Yeah?"
"I…yeah, you've done a lot. The Saints are back on the map because of you." I said, watching her gaze shift from me and then to the floor.
"I suppose…but none of this is really what I wanted." She said solemnly, tapping her fingers against her arm. "Things never really go the way you want them to, y'know? Like, one minute everything is wonderful then the next, everything suddenly goes to shit."
I nodded, but personally, I couldn't really relate. I'd heard stories from my older brother when he was in the Saints about the things that went down in the gang, but they were all things I'd yet to experience.
"Its funny." She said with a half-smile, "Not like, funny as in comical, but funny as in interesting."
I blinked, "You mean, the stuff in the gang?"
"Oh, oh…yeah. Sure. That too." She said somewhat absently, though I figured she meant something else. "The shit we do is interesting…enough."
"I should hope so, considering we're doing stunt jumps to attract recruits." I said lightly, and to my relief, her face came alight with a grin.
"I kick ass at stunt jumps." She said proudly, "Shaundi will tell you…though I kinda botched the landing and shit on the last one I did. Whatever, shit still worked."
"Everything has a funny way of working out sometimes, Niña."
"Yeah…I suppose it does, doesn't it?" She unfolded her arms, dropping them to her sides and she suddenly looked so vulnerable, innocent even. "I guess that's just life, but sometimes I really wish I'd know things ahead of time."
"Things like what?"
She shrugged at me, "I dunno, like…bad things before they happened. Like…if I knew then what I know now, I wonder how different things we be? Its like having cheat codes for a game, except this game is life."
"Unlimited health and infinite sprints?"
"Hell yeah, or like, guns and infinite ammo." She smiled at me, "Y'know what the hell I could do if I could never die?"
I mirrored her smile, "Would you still be here? In the Saints?"
I watched her smile grow wider as she shook her head, "Oh, Imma Saint for life. Don't you ever say that shit again." She leveled me with a sudden, serious glare. "I'll be one til the world blows."
I nodded quickly, "Well I didn't mean it like that but…there's a lot of things you could do if you could never die, right?"
"Yeah…I suppose there are…" Her voice trailed off as she shifted on her feet a bit. "I…I've never really thought about the future. Not since I joined, y'know?"
"But you've had to at some point, right?"
"Of course, I mean, don't we all? But when I was younger, I wanted to go to college and be a doctor. Make something really good of myself and whatnot." She shook her head, "But…shit happens."
"Would you still do it?" I pressed, curiously.
Her eyes flickered to me, then averted back to the fire. "I…yeah, I wanna. I wanna finish school and stuff, but what's going right now is way more important. The books can wait." She glanced at me, her face unreadable. "What about you?"
"I…what?" I said, uncertain.
"What're you doing in the Saints? Rather, why'd you wanna be one so bad?" She tilted her dark head at me, "You look so -"
"Yo, Boss, you down there?"
We both turned our heads in unison to the staircase, Johnny was making his way down, shotgun in hand.
"What took you so damn long?" The Boss' face suddenly melted into a playful grin. "You have that fast ass car and it took you 20 minutes to get here?"
Gat scoffed, "For the record, it took fifteen, traffic was backed up cuz of an accident. You know how that is."
She shrugged back at him, "Whatever, Pierce said he's got something on the Ronin so we gotta meet him upstairs."
"Does this involve fucking something up?"
"You think I would've called you otherwise?" she retorted with a smirk. "Or you could just stay here and help clean up some more."
"Point taken." Johnny said with a grin, turning and heading back up the stairs. "Bout time some real action started round here."
"Bitch, bitch, bitch." She said, starting after him before she suddenly stopped at the edge of the stairs and turned to face me. "Carlos?"
I bit my lip self-consciously, "Uh, yeah, Boss?"
"Thanks."
"Uh...de nada?" I responded sheepishly, and she just giggled in response.
I started to ask "for what?" but she was already bounding up the stairs, two at a time, right behind Johnny. They were still talking, her excitable voice slightly drowning out his deep chuckle as they disappeared down the corridor.
She was most certainly peculiar, indeed.
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