Friday, December 23.
"Uno!" Koushiro yells, dropping a five red on the discard pile in the middle of the blanket. Taichi's panicked eyes immediately scan everyone's hands. Sorry kid, you're definitively the one being punished. I guess he's scared of Koushiro choosing the punishment. What a stupid game. Sora looks at her cards, then draws. Jou places a two red. I sigh.
"Pick two cards." I tell a dejected Taichi whose mouth falls. Come on now, I'm trying to help. He must have one of these in that pile of cards he's holding. He gloomily raises his hand to draw without even looking at his cards. Wait, we did explain our rules… "You remember that you can use another draw two card instead and he'll have to draw four, right?" Taichi's face illuminates. Tsk, no wonder he's losing so badly.
"Helping out your little protégé, Yama?" Koushiro says with a smirk.
"Draw four!" Taichi happily yells and Koushiro's smirk grows. Of course. The redheaded places his last card, another draw two.
"Don't worry, we'll vote against his punishment if it's inappropriate." Jou says over K's laugh.
"There's something I wanted to try for a while." Koushiro says and receives stern stares from everyone. "I swear it won't hurt him!"
"You have to tell us what it is." I state. Koushiro leans over and whispers something in Sora's ear. She giggles.
"Okay, it's fine. God, Mimi would have loved to see that." Taichi gives her a look, apparently he's not trusting her.
Koushiro gets up and heads for Mimi's tent. Sora starts shuffling the cards. Jou checks again the box behind him where the kitten is sleeping. I look out through a window, the sun has started to set. I guess I'll go work tonight.
"The garbage run for the apartments complexes close by is the day after tomorrow." Jou points out. "Should we go check out tomorrow night? It's the end of the year, people decluttering might be getting rid of good stuff. What do you think Yamato?" Tomorrow night is Saturday …
"Yeah, it's worth a look." I say. "Last year I found the couch."
"Wait, that means you dragged that thing all the way here by yourself!" Sora exclaims.
I glance at her and nod. That's right, I was still living alone a year ago. Sora left that jerk right after new year and Mimi stormed in a couple weeks later. Just a year ago this place was still a lifeless, empty shell.
"Another couch would be great though, now that we're six." Sora continues. "A table too, we wouldn't have to play games on the floor. Ah! Even better, a kotatsu would be perfect!"
Sora's excitement causes a bunch of cards to fly off her hands. She sounds like a kid before Christmas. A kid wondering what junk Santa will throw away this year … And she doesn't even have to do this, she can buy all the furnitures she wants and move in a nice heated apartment. Since the beginning her living here was supposed to be temporary. Her dream … I hope it's not what I think it is.
"It's decided then. You'll be coming with us, right? Tomorrow night." Jou asks. Searching through garbages while my songs are being taken away … Whatever, it'll be better than working. I nod. "I'm hoping to find a new watch." He continues. I catch Taichi bitting his lip. "And Mimi said she wanted another shelving unit for her tent. Oh and I'd gladly take any kind of first aid material I can find."
"I told you a hundred times, just make me a list and I'll buy all the stuff we need." I say. There's a silence. Tsk, did I sound that harsh?
"I know, but saving money on that wouldn't hurt. By the way, I've been thinking that I could make some money too." He says. Tsk. What's with him? Last week he was barely functioning and now he talks like he's ready to move on with his life.
"Oh yeah? How?" I ask. There's another silence.
"… Well, I don't know yet but don't worry, I'm not planning on doing anything illegal or dangerous like walk the streets or anything like that." Oh trust me, you won't.
"You're already helping a lot, I don't see why you'd—"
"I'm back!" Koushiro plops down beside a less than happy teen and snatches the pink toque from his head. He's holding pink ribbons and a brush. I see, that's not so bad. My talk with him seems to have worked. I don't agree with what he was doing, but I hate to say he does have a point. Taichi needs to learn to step up and defend himself if he wants to survive out there. The boy doesn't talk about it, but he must have been an easy target at school. Oh right, school.
"Jou, I need to talk with you after this, okay?" I say and Jou nods.
Koushiro is diligently brushing Taichi's wild mass of hair while the boy stares down at his hands, slightly blushing. I smile, K is being gentle, making sure he doesn't hurt him. Back then K kindly proposed to play the bad guy, but I refused, there's already more than enough assholes out there. Hearing him discuss Taichi's issues was surprising though, but now that I think about it, maybe I've just been misreading his careless attitude.
"I'm glad you're here, I've always wanted a little sister." Koushiro says. That's rare, he doesn't usually … Tsk. There's nothing I can do about his personality.
"I'm a boy." Taichi mumbles. Come on, hit him, yell at him, anything, but do something!
"Close enough." Koushiro says, gathering all the hair on one side. He attaches the ribbon, then do the same on the other side. He steps back once he's done and we all admire the result, holding ourselves not to burst out laughing. The thick bunches are spreading out straight on each side of Taichi's face now a deeper shade of red never seen before.
"That's… so… oddly adorable!" Sora is smiling ear to ear. "Great idea K." She gives her friend a fist bump.
"Wait for the next punishment. He'll look even cuter once he wears one of Mimi's dresses… Don't you think Yamato?" He asks with a devilish grin. Tsk, don't start with that again. I glance back at Taichi. The boy is staring at Koushiro, a puzzled look on his face.
"Don't try too hard to get that guy." I tell him. "Sora, stop shuffling and deal the cards already!"
"We used to play truth or dare too. Of course Yamato would always pick dare." Sora tells Taichi helping her fold the blanket, still wearing a dress over his clothes. He barely talks, but at least he's not avoiding the others anymore.
I walk over to the table where Jou is preparing the formula for the cat. "Oh yeah, what did you want to talk about?" He says as I arrive.
"Do you know how home schooling works?" I ask. He looks up from the bottle floating in boiling water. "Taichi told me he's been a shut-in for three years." I explain. Jou adjusts his glasses.
"Oh. I see. He mustn't have attended middle school for long then, if he went at all. Have you talked about it with him? Maybe he was home schooled."
"Not yet, but I know he wasn't. He spent these years sulking and fooling around on the Internet." What kind of irresponsible parents let their kid hide in their room for three years? There's no way they couldn't have known about the damage withdrawal would do to him. Did they at least try to offer him some support? Or did they simply turn a blind eye and let him be, considering it was his own problem? What's with all these adults thinking their job is over as soon as their kids are old enough to take care of their basic needs themselves. There's more to parenting than filling the fridge and…
"Yama?" Jou calls. I look back at him, vaguely aware of my clenched hands hurting. "He needs to know the consequences he'll face if he doesn't get his diploma."
"I know, but I was waiting to be able to tell him what kind of options he has … Staying here I mean." I say. Jou nods.
"I'll look into it." He chuckles. "Let me guess, next you'll ask me to be his teacher." God it's good to see him alive again.
"You said you wanted a job… Plus you're a better fit than any of us." I say. He chuckles again.
"You really don't want to see me work, do you?" He asks. No, I really don't.
"Believe me, there's no good jobs out there." I say. "Working for the boss almost got me arrested."
"It's a good thing you're a musician then." Jou points out, filling the sterilized bottle with milk.
It's a good thing I'm a blue eyed blond too. "I'm going out. I need to drop by Jun's place and there's other stuff I need to do so I'll be back late." I say, remembering that I have to find a better excuse soon.
"And by other stuff do you mean drink? Should I worry?" He asks. I'm still getting it for that night, but I guess I deserve it.
"Yeah, having a drink is part of the plan and no, you don't need to worry." I say and walk over to Taichi sitting on the couch. He has removed the dress and is doing the same with the ribbons. "I'm going out. Don't forget to eat." I order. He nods. "A meal." I add. He nods again. Tsk, he's just going to grab a can or a box of crackers again. "Fine! I'll make us diner before I leave."
"Thanks Yama!" Koushiro yells from somewhere behind the boxes, making Taichi chuckle.
"I'll take some too." Jou says, sitting on the couch with the kitten.
"You guys don't even know what I'll make!"
"Which proves just how much we believe in you Yama." Koushiro says. That jerk…
"Is he here?" I ask the eye staring at me through the crack. Jun closes and unlocks the door.
"I thought you wouldn't come." She says, opening the door and letting me in. I go sit on the couch, what happened Sunday is playing back in my mind. "You want something to drink?" She asks, but doesn't wait for an answer and disappears in the kitchen. She comes back holding a couple beers on each arm.
"You don't have anything stronger?" I ask.
"Why? You're in a hurry to get drunk and leave? Sorry, but you'll have to stay longer than a couple minutes." Jun says and drops the bottles on the small table. Damn, she's right.
"Sorry." I open a beer and drink. She sits beside me and do the same. "He's not coming tonight?" She shakes her head. Right, his show is tomorrow … Plus it's not like they're together. Why the hell is she still wasting her time with musicians?
"He'll probably come running to pick up the documents though." She mutters.
"I didn't come for that." She sighs and watches me pull out an envelope from my pocket. "I came to give his money back. There's some in there for you too, for the trouble."
She takes the envelope and tosses it on the table. "If that's what you want … It's not like I don't understand you Yama. He's stealing your songs and you can't do anything about it, except not give him the satisfaction of seeing you bend before him."
No, it's nothing like that. I'm not trying to oppose him, far from it, how could I even bend before him if I'm already laying down at his feet, crushed? Like he said there's nothing I could do so … But signing just never was an option, that's all.
Jun slides closer and starts wrapping her arm around mine, but I remove my arm. "You're still pissed about that?"
"No. It has nothing to do with you, or him … I'm just not in the mood." I take a long sip. "Are you going to the show?"
"No, I'm working tomorrow night. It's Christmas eve, the club will be filled with frustrated men who want to see us dressed as elves and slutty Mrs Claus. I'm surprised Sora chose to take the night off, it pays incredibly well." She says.
"By the way, did Sora tell you why she doesn't want to move in with you?" I ask.
"Sort of. Why? If you expect me to tell you, well, sorry but I'm not blabbing behind my friend's back." She says.
I watch her drink her beer. Jun's been around as a groupie ever since the band played for the first time at the school's festival when we were fourteen. We lost touch after the band fell apart, but met back last year when I worked for the boss and started to show up at the club. She doesn't know, but she was the first person I let back into my life after leaving home two years ago.
"You don't, huh … Then it's alright when the person is not a friend." I down the rest of the bottle and get up. "I have to go. Believe it or not, I didn't come to get drunk for free." I say, which is obviously a lie.
Head down, Jun stays silent. Her hair is hiding her face. Fuck. "Sorry, I'm not really mad or anything, it's fine that you don—"
"I didn't mean it that way." She whispers.
"Sure you did, and that's fine Jun, really. You're right to feel that way, I mean, look at me." How come I didn't realize sooner? It should have been obvious, didn't she pretty much spell it out for me at the hospital? That she was merely putting up with me while I one-sidedly … How embarrassing. "Please give Takashi his money and tell him he can shove his contract up his… just tell him I won't sign it." I walk up to the door. "Oh, but thanks for at least not telling Sora about what happened here with Takashi." I add and leave the apartment without looking back.
It's for the best, Jun is part of the past I want to forget anyway. I put on my hood and take the stairs down. I'll stop at a convenience store on the way.
I push the sheet and hear Taichi's slow breathing. I get in and try to remove my clothes without making any sound, but of course I hit the milk crates and stuff falls all over. I look back and lock eyes with the boy. "Sorry." At least now I can switch clothes faster.
"You're going to the market tomorrow, right? Can I go with you?" He asks with a sleepy voice.
"Sure, but isn't it boring? Sitting in the cold for hours." I slide my arms in the cold as hell but clean sweater.
"I'd like to walk around." He says. I finish changing and get under the blankets. "Gah, you're cold!" He whines, rolling away from me to the side of the mattress. "Oh, you went to the bath again?" My neck stiffens, I didn't expect him to notice that.
"Yeah. How do you know?"
"You smell soap and shampoo." He says, yawning. Right, if it's just Taichi I don't really need to worry for now, but how long will it be until the others start asking questions? I need to think of a better excuse soon.
"Stop smelling me, it's weird." I put my cold hand on his neck, causing him to shriek. He must be smelling alcohol too, but he's been avoiding that subject ever since I came back. Good, he understood that I'm not like his father. "Good night."
"You too Yamato." I turn to my side and the other night comes back to mind. He hasn't talked about it or asked anything, but I can tell he's worrying. Tsk, it was just … It was nothing at all. I'm fine now. Everything is alright, everyone is doing great and when Mimi comes back it'll be even better. I'll do anything to protect them. That's all that matters to me.
They'll leave you. Shut up. I'm not going to mess up this time. I'm able to control my anger now. It doesn't matter, they'll leave you. I might not have a great personality, but I'm being helpful to all of them. That's why they'll leave you. No, they need me. They wouldn't be here if it wasn't the case. Wake up. They'll leave you behind once they move on… Whore.
"Yamato?" A hand on my shoulder makes me jump. "Are you cold? You're shivering."
A dream. Fuck. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep." I mutter, bringing a hand to my chest. That pain, I need to shut it down before…
"I'll go get a couple more blankets." He proposes.
"I said I'm FINE!" Fuck. Why… "Sorry Taichi." All I keep saying is sorry lately. "I'm f—" The word gets stuck in my throat. Taichi doesn't say anything, but after a moment his warm hand disappears from my shoulder. Shit, I did it again. I hear shuffling behind me, then Taichi's warmth reappears as he snuggles up against me.
"I'm kind of cold too." He simply says. The calming effect is instantaneous. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
"Fine then." He's so awful at lying.
I'm singing the song I wrote after Dad and I had a huge fight over my slightly lower grades back in high school. I wasn't even close to failing, but Dad said he was taking it as a sign that I had started neglecting school. He threatened to force me to stop doing music with the band. That's how I knew what this was really about, he wanted to pull me away from Takashi. Like he needed to worry about that.
Of course the couple standing in front of me with their little girl can't figure this story by listening to the lyrics. I finish playing and the toddler stops dancing to join her parents clapping their hands. They walk away after dropping some coins in my case. If this song eventually makes it to the radio, will they recall having heard it here? They won't remember me and even if they do, they'll probably think I was just singing their song, just like everyone else. Fuck. After tonight I'll be a poor loser trying to make money using The New Wolfgang's success.
"… You think he's taking a break?"
"Looks like it. Hobos sure are having it easy these days. Let's go."
Whatever. It's not like I really need to sing anymore.
The pick escapes my fingers and falls on the tip of my boot.
A shadow appears over me and a hand grabs the pick. I look up just to see my reflexion in his sunglasses.
"Seriously Matt, your stubbornness will end up killing you." Takashi stretches his hand holding the pick, but I ignore it. He sighs and snatches my guitar. He sits besides me and starts playing one of our songs right away. Of course. He's been practicing them with the others. So he's going to play that one during the show. He repeats the melody where I'm supposed to start singing a couple times. Tsk, you're wasting your time. Doesn't he have anything better to do, I don't know, like get ready for his concert?
"If you came to ask—" I begin.
"I know. You won't sign. And I'm sure you won't take back your money either." He stops playing. "Jun seemed down when I came by her place this morning. What happened?"
"So you care about her now?"
"I've always cared about her, that's why I've always made sure everything was clear between us." He says. "You're pushing her out of your life, is that it?"
So what if I do? What's it got to do with him? "Why are you here?" I slide off the ledge of the flower pot and pick up the coins in my case.
"A present." He says. I get back up, filling my pocket with the change. Why? He knows I'll refuse anything coming from him. I turn to face Takashi and flinch. He removed his glasses and is looking straight at me, his green eyes completely devoid of all the hatred and resentment he has toward me. His gaze is almost friendly. Then he pulls out of his pocket a ticket for his show and the spell is broken.
"You've got to be kidding me." I whisper, clenching my fists. So he came to humiliate me one last time.
"Please, just hear me out before you throw your fit." He begs. Fuck you! I'll show you that I've changed. I cross my arms and stare at him. "Thanks. You were an ass Matt." My mouth falls. "No, listen! You can't deny that the way you ended up treating us was wrong. The constant yelling and bashing, you snapping at every single mistake we did. To you we were never good enough, we were just holding you back. We weren't even a group anymore, you stopped listening to us, ignored all the ideas or opinions we had. In the end it became impossible to deal with you everyday, your outbursts were growing more violent, you even broke some of our equipment. You were scaring us Matt."
I'm fixing the ground, my hands gripping my arms. God it hurts. I know all that, but hearing it from him is just… It's horrible. I glance at the bench, at least Taichi isn't around to hear.
"We had to get away from you, we weren't enjoying playing anymore. You almost killed our passion for music." I clench my teeth, he never told me that. "I've been hating you ever since then. When I saw you Sunday, I didn't even have an ounce of sympathy for you. To be honest, I thought you deserved to be living like this, with everyone having turned their back on you. That's why I acted like a jerk. Sorry about that." I let out a nervous chuckle and run a hand on my face. He's sorry for that… After all I did. "Whatever happened for you to end up with so much anger pent-up inside, it doesn't excuse the fact that you should have realized the way you treated everyone around you wasn't right. Everyone warned you, told you to stop. You should have sought help befo—"
"Enough… I know all that." I whisper. Can't he see I'm at my limit here? Takashi takes a deep breath.
"But after seeing you Sunday I realized something. All these years we've spent together… I failed at being a real friend to you." I raise my hands and cover my eyes. "You said I was your best friend… To me you've always been the guy with this huge talent with whom I would climb to the top. I'm not saying that I was using you, I considered you my friend and all but, thinking back, maybe I was in a way using you. I mean, I even remember thinking that your feelings for me were convenient." Takashi chuckles. "But when I say I wasn't a real friend, it's because I ignored the signs and let you struggle by yourself. Before your anger became a problem I never bothered to talk to you about that shadow I did see growing around you. I knew you were dealing with something, yet I ignored it because it seemed to be what fueled your creativity. You were writing these amazing songs, I was getting what I wanted from you… I've been thinking, if back then someone else was by your side, maybe they would have been able to help you. Probably. For that I'm sorry."
Takashi falls silent. I take a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut with my hands. This is just… How am I supposed to process that? I've long accepted that I was the only one to blame for everything. I've accepted full responsibility for messing up my life. I've even accepted that what I felt all these years, that shadow or whatever, was nothing. Bringing this up now, years later… It's pointless, and just cruel.
"Jun told me you're living with other people now. I hope they're better friends than I was. You do seem different." Takashi sighs. "Well, I'm telling you that, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still going to use your songs." A chuckle escapes my mouth. "Come to the concert. If you do, I'm sure you'll understand and hopefully you'll be able to find closure."
I don't move, but listen as Takashi gets up and puts my guitar in its case. The locks snap shut and the case is leaned against the flower pot, then nothing. But I can still feel him in front of me.
"I left the ticket in your guitar case. Goodbye Matt." He finally says. I listen to his footsteps, then sit on the ground and lean against the cold bricks, my hands still firmly pressed on my eyes.
People are glancing down at me as they walk by. I pull my hood over my hair. Standing out never really bothered me, until I became homeless. But I'm able to ignore the looks now, most of the time.
Closure. I was doing that just fine until he decided to drop back into my life. I don't need to go to the show. I don't need to hear that guy sing my songs. Just … Whatever, take them, I don't care. What difference would going there make anyway? I take a deep breath and look up at the sky. If I go I'll understand … Understand what? That they deserve the success? I know that. I'm not jealous of their popularity, that'd be childish. You guys deserve to be at the top … so take the songs and leave me alone.
I glance at the bench. How come Taichi isn't back yet? Sure, I said I'd sing for a few hours, but I didn't think he'd be gone the whole time. Tsk, I can't go look for him. What if he comes back while I'm gone? Well, it's not like he doesn't know the way home. He's sixteen-ish for Christ's sake! Why am I so nervous that he's out there by himself?
Actually I know why, the image is still stuck in my mind. Him hidden in the dark alley with a desperate look on his face while his body shivers like crazy. It's only by chance that I glanced in his direction that day, and I almost didn't notice him. What would have happened if I had left without seeing him? A couple scenarios play in my mind. I get up and grab my guitar, maybe he's not far.
I find him easily enough a couple blocks down the street. He's sitting curled up beside the door of a store, his head leaned forward with his hood pulled over to hide his face. There's a plastic cup in front of him. The heck?! I walk up to him and crush the cup with my foot. He jerks his head up, his face betraying all the shame he's been fighting off. I sigh and crouch in front of him.
"What do you think you're doing?" I ask.
"… Making money?" Taichi tries. I slide my foot and grab the cup, then extract seventy yen.
"I told you to tell me if you need anything." I say, giving him the change.
"It's my fault so it wouldn't be fair for you to pay." He mumbles and the dots connect.
"You want to buy Jou a watch." Figures. "It's fine, I wanted to buy him one already." Taichi looks down at his shoe and removes some snow with his mitt. "Tsk. What is it?"
"I want to do more too." He says. Not him too, what's with them all of a sudden? "Everyone else is helping out so…"
"Where's that coming from? Did anyone tell you to do more?" Taichi shakes his head, averting his eyes. "Good, because you don't have to do anything in exchange for staying with us."
"I'm sick of it. It's the worst feeling." He says, adjusting his hood over his face. I lean forward until I lock eyes with him and silently urge him to explain. "When you're a shut-in … you're constantly aware that you're just leeching off other people's hard work." Urg… That's the kind of thought that won't go away no matter what I say to him.
"Okay. We'll figure something out, but you're not begging ever again. It's a waste of time and it's dangerous. You're basically holding a sign saying that you're by yourself." Taichi stares at me, confused. "People might want to take advantage of that." The confusion in his eyes grows. Oh for Christ's sake! "There's plenty of people out there with bad intentions you know?" If it wasn't for his social anxiety, he'd be the type to accept candies and get in a stranger's car, wouldn't he?
"Oh… You mean like those who'd steal my organs." Tsk, in which part of the Internet did he spend all his time? Certainly not that part.
"Yeah… Sure." I get up, stretch out my hand that he grabs and pull him up. "By the way, why did you have Jou's watch?" I ask as we start walking.
"To stop skipping meals. I haven't followed a schedule for years." He responds. "I think that's why you thought I wasn't…" His voice dies out and he looks away at a vitrine decorated with a Christmas tree. Tsk. People don't need a watch for that, but I guess what he thinks doesn't matter, as long as he's actively making an effort to eat now.
"You'll be able to help tonight if you come with us on our garbage run." I say. Taichi looks back at me and nods. "Is there something you'd like to find? Aside from a bed I mean." The boy thinks for a moment, a hand on his chin.
"I guess I won't find a working computer."
"Of course not, electronics can't be disposed."
"Then a bag would be gr…" Taichi stops talking as we walk by an old man sleeping against the wall, cardboards and newspapers covering him. I can almost hear what's going on in his mind. I pat the boy's head. I'm not going to let him stay down here forever. They'll leave you behind. Shut up.
"I'll wait outside." Taichi says, staring inside the busy convenience store through the window. He's generally fine outside now, but the kid still has problems with crowded places.
"They sell watches here, don't you want to pick one for Jou?"
"… You can choose it." He mumbles.
"Fine. What do you want to eat? Something with meat." Taichi gives me the anything is fine shrug. "I'll grab some batteries too. Did we need anything else?" Taichi thinks while mindlessly playing with the hole in his mitt.
"We're running out of toothpaste." He reminds me.
"Okay. Don't go too far, and don't beg!" I order as I push the door.
I grab a couple sandwiches, beers, the batteries and toothpaste, then walk up to the watches and pick the first one I spot that has a clock hand for the seconds. They're all cheap looking anyway. Was that all? I feel like I'm forgetting something… Oh, right. I approach the stand of necklaces on the counter. There's all kind of pendants for men, women and kids. I pick one. That'll do for a Christmas present.
I glance back at the window. Someone is talking to Taichi. I toss the stuff on the counter and of course the girl behind it takes her damn sweet time to scan everything. I pay and hurry outside.
"Taichi, let's go." I say as I approach the person from behind. Taichi looks at me with a smile. Someone he knows? Then the guy turns around. Urg, not that one.
"Hi!" The clerk greets cheerfully. "Taichi told me you two were going to eat at the park, do you mind if I join?"
I silently give Taichi a piece of my mind that I want to take back as soon as I see him flinch. Tsk, he manages to talk to someone and I find nothing better to do than act like a jerk.
"Sure…" I'd gladly tell him to scram, but Taichi's here. "Shawn was it?"
He chuckles awkwardly. "Almost, it's Shin. And you are?" Right, he asked for my name the other night too, but I didn't bother telling him.
"Yamato." I say, glancing away.
The guy smiles, then excuses himself and hurry in the store to buy a meal.
"Sorry." Taichi mumbles beside me.
"No, it's fine." I make sure our eyes meet so that he sees I'm sincere. "I told him your name by accident the other night." He gives me the Oh, that's why look. "What did he say?" I ask. What is he planning? To convince him to go back home? Fuck, and I'm the one who told him to talk with Taichi.
Taichi smiles. "He said he went to the market to hear you sing earlier, but you were already gone." His smile grows into a grin. "Looks like Yama has a fan." He says playfully.
"Yeah, right." The guy's obviously just interested in Taichi, but I can't help it and smile back. Just now, he didn't realize how he called me.
Shin comes back with his food and we walk to the park a couple blocks away. The clerk doesn't shut up for a second, telling Taichi that he moved here when he started university three years ago. I wait for him to tell us his major, but he doesn't. Whatever, it's not like I care enough to ask. We walk to a picnic table and proceed to sweep off the snow. I hold in a smirk when Shin sits and winces at the bench's coldness.
"Here, go buy something to drink." I give Taichi some change and he dashes to the vending machines. I sit in front of Shin and pull out a can of beer from the bag that I crack open. I take a sip, watching him remove the cover of his sushi bento. It's amazing how perfectly average looking he is, absolutely nothing about that guy stands out. He probably served me for a long time at the store before I started noticing him. He, on the other hand, must have noticed me right away.
"Do you want some?" Shin asks, pushing the tray toward me. I shake my head. He glances at the vending machines.
"He always takes forever to choose." I explain. And he always ends up looking disappointed anyway.
"Oh." He pushes his food around with his chopsticks. "You two seem to get along well." Come on, say what you want to say already. "Hum… I know it's a rude thing to ask, but… You guys aren't… Are you two living on the streets?" He finally asks, setting down his chopsticks and looking at me.
"No." His eyes keep studying me. "Tsk. I swear there's a roof over his head every night, okay?"
"Is it safe?" He pushes.
I stay silent. No matter what I say, he'll try to convince me that this isn't right, that I'm not helping the kid. Fuck you, you won't take Taichi from me. What? You think he'd be better off with you?
"You didn't even do anything the night he spent in your store." I remind him. He freezes a moment, then sighs.
"I know." He looks down at his sushi. "I didn't know what to do, or if I was even supposed to do something. I ended up convincing myself that he would go back home after the night."
"He was outside, freezing to death when I found him." Shin flinches … Dammit, why am I feeling sorry for that guy now? "I'm not saying it's your fault. We're in a big city, most people in that situation would choose not to get involved … It's safe enough, where we live I mean. Plus we're not alone." I say and watch him try to smile. "Sorry for kicking the counter by the way."
"It's alright, you seemed to have a lot on your mind. Is it better now?" He asks. Tsk, how did the conversation turn like that? I quickly nod as I bring the beer to my mouth. "It didn't seem to be the case at the market place." He points out, making me almost choke.
"What are you talking about?" I ask, staring at him. Did he hear?
"I saw you. You weren't playing. You were sitting on the ground with your hands covering your eyes."
It's my turn to study him. He didn't see Takashi, did he? It doesn't look like he's holding anything back.
"What happened?" Shin asks.
"I had a migraine, but it's none of your business. Seriously, what is this? What do you want?" My voice is getting louder. I breathe and cross my arms to hide my trembling hands. I can't lose it here, not with Taichi watching.
"I know I'm just a stranger to you, but I've…" His eyes drift behind me, then something hot is placed to both sides of my face, making me jump. Taichi laughs and comes sit beside me, holding two cans of coffee.
"Which one do you want?" He asks. Both probably taste the same. He notices the beer in front of me.
"I didn't say I wanted something." I still pick a can and crack it open. "Thanks. Here." I toss his meal in front of him. Taichi's eyes widen at the sight of the huge baguette sandwich packed with crispy chicken. That's what you get for letting me choose.
"Do you want sushi?" Shin proposes.
Taichi stares avidly at the tray. So he likes sushi, huh. But then he shakes his head. Tsk. I kick Shin's leg, causing him to wince and look at me. I mouth trade and he nods.
"Are you sure? That's what I picked but, I'm not really hungry for sushi … Wanna trade?" He says, not sounding natural at all, but Taichi nods right away and the sandwich is tossed in front of Shin who reluctantly takes it.
I sigh. "Here." I give him my sandwich and take back the over-sized crispy chicken sandwich. "So … are you working tonight?" I ask. Urg, this is so awkward.
"No, I'm going to a concert." He says. Tsk.
"Oh! Is it The New Wolfg—" Taichi freezes and glances at me, Crap I messed up showing all over his face. Shin's gaze shifts between us.
"That's right. Do you like them?" He asks the boy.
"Y-Yeah …" Taichi mumbles, grabbing a sushi. "… But there's another band I like way better." He adds before tossing the food in his mouth. I stare at the side of his blushing face until I can't hold it anymore and start laughing. "Hey, don't laugh it's true!" He punches my arm, making me laugh even more. Shin stares at us, completely lost.
"It's fine Taichi, they're really good." I say after I calmed down. "I have their albums, remember?" I reassure him. So he was worried about how I felt because of the concert.
"Yeah, but…" I pat Taichi's head. God I love this kid.
"Shin, you said you listened to me at the market, right?" I ask. I wonder if he'll notice, not that it'll make a difference, but…
"Yes, a couple times. Why? Did you play their songs?" He asks, growing more and more confused.
"Something like that." I grab my beer and drink.
"That reminds me. Taichi, that necklace you picked was a wolf, wasn't it?" Shin asks.
A grin on his face appears, then Taichi suddenly grabs my collar. "Hey!" His cold fingers slide around my neck, then he pulls out the pendant.
"Oh, so it was for him…" Shin thinks out loud. What's with that tone of voice?
"Yes." Oh no, don't explain why yo— "The wolf might look mean and angry, but its tail is all curved and fluffy, just like Yamato." Taichi says, pulling the pendant for Shin to take a good look.
"Fluffy…" Shin whispers pensively.
"He just means I'm not as bad as I look!"
Shin laughs, briefly locking eyes with me. It was only for a moment but, that satisfied gaze … I'm sure this guy is up to something.
The sun has started to set when we reach the fence enclosing the ruined area. I stop and watch Taichi, the shopping bag dandling in his hand, walk over to the opening right under the worn out sign prohibiting citizens from entering this zone. It's only when he's about to traverse to the other side that he realizes I'm not by his side anymore.
"Yamato?" He calls, his free hand holding the wires.
Go home and forget everything, that's what I want to do, yet … I put down my guitar case. The ticket is in there, slided between the guitar strings. I pick it up and shove it in my pocket. It's no use, I have to be there, even if I know it won't make any difference. At least I won't regret not going, I'll have seen this through to the end. I get back up and walk over to Taichi who's been watching me with a frown.
"Here, bring this back with you." I say, giving him my guitar. Taichi doesn't react, he keeps staring at me with his big dark eyes, frozen. Tsk, why now? Usually he's not the perceptive type. I pat his head. "Why are you making that face? I just forgot to do something, I won't be gone for too long. I'll catch up with you guys tonight if you're still out." I say.
Taichi finally moves and leans the case against the fence. He turns back to me and starts wrapping his arms around my waist. I feel his hand slide in my back pocket, then he pulls out … my knife? He steps back, bringing out the blade. "Hey, what…"
"A promise. Let's make a promise." He says, a serious frown on his face. "Not to disappear ever again."
Seriously? Why that now? "I'm not going anywhere … And what do you need my knife for anyway?" He removes his mitt and brings the knife to his palm. I jump forward and grab his wrist. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?! That's dangerous!" Taichi winces at the tight grip but I couldn't care less right now. "What's the matter with you? One injured hand is not enough? Why do you want to do that? I swear I'll be gone a couple hours!"
"I'm not that stupid you know. You're going to the concert." He says. Tsk. Of course he would figure that much.
"Yeah, okay. You're right, I want to hear them play, but you don't need to worry, I'm fine, seriously. I'm not jealous or angry, I respect these guys." I reassure him. This isn't right, Taichi doesn't even know about my songs being taken, he shouldn't be worrying that much. The pulse on his wrist I'm holding is fast. That's not it, he's not just worried. "Why are you scared?"
"Because I don't know. I can't know. You're not an open book like I am. Or maybe I just can't read people. But I know you disappear, the others told me that's what you always do. That's what you did with your family two years ago. That's why I'm scared. Because even if you say you won't go away I can't trust you." Taichi closes his eyes. So it affected him that much, me walking out on him that night. Shit.
"I'm not going to disappear Taichi." I try to reassure him again. I loosen up my grip on his wrist. "If you can't trust me, why did you think sealing the promise with blood would work? It's not a magic spell or anything, just mixing our blood can't keep me from disappearing." I stupidly blurt out, causing a sob to escapes the kid's mouth that he immediately covers with his free hand. "Dammit, I'm not saying … I have no intention of leaving you, okay? I'm just telling you that using blood is pointless. Plus Jou would kill me if I let you do that." I say to lighten the mood, but it doesn't work. Taichi doesn't resist when I remove the knife from his hand and put it back in my pocket. "How about a pinky promise?" I try. No reaction. "We could spit into a handshake." Nothing. What else? A signed contract? I sigh and pull him into a hug.
"Sorry." He mutters into my chest as he wraps his arms around me.
"You haven't tried to ask me not to go to the concert." I point out.
"That would be selfish … But I guess I'm already being selfish for needing you so much." Taichi grips my back. "I've been thinking about that thing you said, you know, the missing screws. I think I'm missing a bunch of them … I mean a lot. So many it's a miracle I'm still holding together. I can't tell what kind of screws I'm supposed to have that you don't, but I know you have those I'm missing."
The body I'm holding suddenly feels so light and frail I'm afraid it'll break. Bring it back outside! I've felt that way once before. It's dirty and it looks sick. What were you thinking? It might attack your brother. The urge to protect mixed with a crushing sense of helplessness. Stop crying, it was a stray, it would have died soon anyway. Believe me that driver did it a favor.
"I won't … Hey Taichi, how about a kiss then?" Taichi's face pops up. "Would that be enough for you to trust me?" I ask.
"Eh?" He's completely lost, staring at me with his mouth open. The same kid who was about to slice his hand a minute ago. Jeez.
"Then please, let's just do the pinky thing and…"
"Okay." He cuts me.
"Okay, what?" I ask. Taichi blushes. "Tsk. Have you even kissed before?" He shakes his head. Why did I even propose that? "You realize your first kiss would be with a guy."
"…You kiss your other friends." He says. What is he talking about? "Like Jun and Sora." … "And you seem close to them." … "I mean, we're friends too, right?" His expression shifts, now screaming Was I the only one thinking that? … How … How the heck did he come to the conclusion that friends kiss?
"We're friends." That much should have been obvious. "And I promise I won't disap—" Oh, I get it. I just can't promise that. He won't be able to trust me no matter what because he knows it's a lie. "… I promise I'll always come back." I say and Taichi understands. There's a bit of disappointment in his eyes, but he nods anyway. I grab his chin and give him a kiss.
