A/N: I feel that it's important to express my gratitude every chapter, so thank you for all the reviews I have received! Someone said that we are a team and I completely agree. I love how many ideas you guys give me for every single chapter. So, here's chapter eleven, I hope you enjoy.

Chapter Eleven

"I'll stay with you if you want to call them back. Natalie can wait for a little longer." Lily picks her phone off the nightstand and starts dialing, snagging Rufus' hand with the other.

He can feel her hand trembling in his. She is tapping her finger against the back of the phone while waiting for someone on the other end to pick up.

"Hello? Dr. Matthew's office, Claire speaking," the cheery receptionist answers on the other end.

"H…hi…um…I just got a call from your office about my test results…" Lily struggles to find her voice, scared beyond belief as to what her results might indicate.

"Oh…okay, well Dr. Matthews likes to go over the results with her patients in person. Is there a time you can meet with her today?"

Rufus swallows a wince when he senses his hand tighten. He glances down at Lily, seeing worry flash in her eyes.

"I…I think so…what does she have open?"

"She has an appointment open in an hour if you can make it." Lily agrees and hangs up the phone, sighing heavily as she throws the phone on the bed.

"What's going on?" Rufus asks, using his other hand to rub her uninjured shoulder.

"They won't tell me over the phone, I have to go in and talk to my doctor."

"Ah…well, that doesn't necessarily mean that its bad news."

Lily shrugs, she appreciates Rufus' attempt to cheer her up, even though it's not doing anything to pacify her fears.

"Rufus, you don't tell people bad news over the phone."

Rufus glides his tongue over his teeth, not wanting to argue with Lily when she has a valid point.

"Regardless of what the test results are, I'll be there and we will do whatever we have to for you to feel more comfortable. I'm going to call Natalie to let her know what's going on."

Lily furrows her eyebrows as Rufus slips out of bed. She isn't sure how she feels about Rufus discussing her care with Natalie. Lily doesn't want Rufus and Natalie to gang up on her if she decides to discontinue therapy.

A deep breath slips out of her lips, she is trying not to let her anxiety get the better of her. Lily shifts her focus to getting herself ready for the doctor's office.

Rufus walks downstairs, clutching his phone in his hand. He dials Natalie's office, bypassing her receptionist.

"Hello, this is Dr. Cormier."

"Hi, it's Rufus, you told me to call you when Lily woke up."

Natalie smiles, she was up half the night mulling over her spontaneous session with Lily, wondering if there was anything she could have done differently. She was worried how Lily would feel this morning after her Ambien induced sleep.

"Oh…right! I did, is Lily doing okay?"

Rufus hesitates, he isn't sure how to answer Natalie's question. He doesn't want to disclose where they are going, Lily can tell her that if she wishes.

"She's…fine, just still a little groggy from the Ambien."

"Good, I was incredibly concerned about her yesterday."

"You and me both, should I bring her in later?"

Natalie clicks her tongue against her teeth, she has to remind Rufus that it should be Lily's decision, not his. Lily is undoubtedly embarrassed for letting Natalie see her in such a vulnerable state that she might not want to face the psychiatrist again.

"Why don't you see how she is feeling? I want Lily to make the choice to come back and see me." Rufus slowly nods, the inclination that he is being lightly scolded is washing over him.

"Of course…what does your schedule look like for the day?"

"I can move some appointments around if Lily decides that coming in would be in her best interest." His eyes narrow, his lips purse at the diplomatic flair in Natalie's voice. She was so apt to discussing Lily's care with him last night, he wonders what changed.

"Sure…I'll…um…have Lily call. Thanks Dr. Cormier." Rufus is waiting for her to correct him about using her professional title, but he gets the dial tone instead.

Natalie hangs up the phone quickly, tossing it onto the couch across from her. Lily's case is twisting her into knots, so much so that she over-stepped last night when she went to the penthouse. Natalie is usually excellent at keeping the line between doctor and patients very distinct. Lily is not her friend, she should not be getting personally invested in her patients. And whatever part of her that is attracted to Rufus should be killed immediately before it further impedes Lily's care.

Serena steps off the elevator with Eric while Rufus is pouring himself another cup of coffee.

"Hey Rufus, where's mom?" Serena asks. The teenager is constantly checking in on her mother now, not wanting a repeat of seeing her mother sob on the bathroom floor or coming home to a broken mirror and a missing Lily.

"She is upstairs getting ready. Coffee?" Rufus doesn't want to go into detail about last night because he isn't sure that the kids know about Natalie. Lily is barely forthright with Rufus, he couldn't imagine that the children are keen to the fact that their mother is now seeing a therapist.

"Yeah…where is mom going?" Eric asks, letting his protective side show.

"She's…um…" Rufus pauses to find mugs for Serena and Eric, giving himself a moment to think of a lie to tell Lily's kids. "We are going…out."

Serena quirks an eyebrow, she doesn't appreciate Rufus' vague response. Based on Eric's bewildered expression, he doesn't either.

"Out? What's the big secret?" Serena crosses her arms, wanting an explanation from her mother's boyfriend.

"What's going on?" Lily asks from the living room, wondering why her daughter looks irritated at Rufus. She enters the kitchen and moves towards Rufus, relaxing slightly when he wraps an arm around her waist.

"Mom, how are you feeling?" Eric asks, taking over the conversation for Serena. His sister means well, but her approach can be a little hostile at times. Lily softens at her son's apparent concern for her.

"I'm fine darling. Serena, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I was just…um…worried, that's all. We should get to school Eric. Thanks for the coffee, Rufus." Serena sets her half-finished espresso down on the counter and disappears into her room for a quick change. Eric waits for his sister and then they wave goodbye to Lily and Rufus together.

"That was odd…Rufus, what is going on?" Lily is starting to become annoyed. She has a lot on her mind with the pending results of her tests and toying with the idea of continuing therapy, she doesn't need to be preoccupied with the notion that her children are angry at her.

Rufus skims his hand over her hip, pulling her closer to his frame. He can sense the underlying irritation in her tone, even if she is trying to disguise it.

"The kids were asking what we planned to do today and I wasn't sure of what to tell them. I didn't want to overstep."

Instead of reassuring him that he did the right thing with regards to her children, Lily remains silent and rolls her lips together.

Rufus eyes shift down at Lily, noticing her refusing to make eye contact with him. He drops his arms from around her and takes a step back, creating a much-needed distance between them. If he did something to offend her, they should address it now rather than letting it fester.

"Lil, what is happening between us?"

Lily sighs and locks eyes with him, swallowing her urge to snap at him for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

"Nothing…I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind right now. Thank you for being here." She presses her hand on the curve of his cheek and brushes past him, needing to change before they leave.

Rufus bites his lip and turns to see Lily walk back upstairs. The answer she just provided was the typical response Lily provides when she doesn't want to talk about anything.

Lily fumbles through getting dressed, wincing slightly when she attempts to bend down. She is determined to change without Rufus' assistance, mostly because she has no control over her emotions and doesn't want to breakdown in front of him again.

"Ow," tumbles out of her lips as she unravels her tan sweater over her chest. She snatches up her flats off the floor, clamping down on the inside of her lip to prevent from screaming. She has yet to take a pain pill today, which may be why her back is aching so much. Still, Lily managed to dress herself for the first time since Friday night which is a monumental step for her.

Rufus walks into the bedroom just as Lily is putting the finishing touches on her outfit. He offers a genuine smile, ecstatic that she is no longer needing his support to get dressed.

"Is your back feeling better?" He asks while dragging out clothes from his duffel bag. Lily shrugs and sits down on the bench backed up to the foot of her bed. Her nimble fingers work to zip up her ebony boots. She is too afraid to open her mouth and admit how terrified she is of being infected by Jack.

Rufus is attempting to stay calm for Lily's sake, but he is honestly unsure if she is going to be able to handle the results. Obviously, he is hoping for the best possible outcome, but he wasn't in that room. He has no idea what horrible things Jack did to Lily when they were alone together. Lily could have very well picked up something from Jack, especially since it's no secret that he has dabbled in his fair share of prostitutes. Regardless, Rufus will stick by Lily whatever the outcome of the test results are, he just wants her to be aware of that.

"Okay…I'm ready," Lily whispers, her voice faltering. Rufus quickly changes into another flannel before exchanging jeans. He glances at her, noticing that the bruises on her neck are fading. They are still noticeable, but not as dominating on her flesh as before.

On the way there, everything is bothering Lily. The taxi driver is going too slow, Rufus is gripping her hand too tight, or there are too many red lights between the penthouse and the doctor's office. She heavily sighs and bangs her head against the headrest. Rufus breaks their hands to drape an arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer to him.

"Just relax honey," Rufus says, although it's easier said than done. Lily is mirroring how she was on the ride home from the opera that night. She is frighteningly quiet and intensely focusing on the buildings bleeding together outside.

A sense of relief builds up in Rufus when the taxi finally stops in front of the office. Lily waits for Rufus to pay the fare, not wanting to exit the cab. He swings open the door, hoping that he won't have to physically drag her out of the taxi. Lily reminds Rufus of a petulant child who doesn't want to go to school. She is very stubborn and it is extremely difficult to get Lily to do something when she doesn't want to.

"Lil, if you don't want to go…" Rufus begins, reminding himself that he has to leave decisions like this up to her. She doesn't necessarily have to know her results, but he realizes that it's going to eat away at her if she doesn't.

"No…just give me a second."

The only reason Lily chose to come here is because she is aware that a part of her can't move on until she knows the results of her tests. She now negatively associates this office with the exam that she had to have the last time she was here.

Rufus glances at the taxi driver, surprised that he hasn't kicked them out of the cab yet. He is grateful that the driver recognizes that they need a few moments to collect themselves.

"Okay, we will go when you are ready."

Lily takes a deep breath and gives a nod to Rufus indicating that she is willing to go inside. She tosses a thank you to their driver over her shoulder as she exits. Rufus finds her hand, squeezing it gently while they stroll inside. Lily is checked in and given instructions to wait until a nurse calls her back to the exam rooms.

None of the magazines are capturing Lily's attention. She glances over at Rufus who is pretending to be focused on what he is reading when they both know he is looking at her. Lily forces herself to smile, a tiny crinkle in the corners of her eyes to let Rufus know that she is coping relatively well.

He returns the half-hearted grin, nudging her playfully as he sets the magazine he was flipping through back on the table. A nurse calls Lily's name and she stands up, not feeling the ache in her back as much as before. Rufus follows, waiting to see if Lily is going to snag his hand or not. They glance at each other, exchanging information on how they are doing with a mere gaze.

"Okay, just have a seat. What brings you in here today?" The intake nurse asks the couple. Lily opens her mouth, waiting for her voice to reach her throat.

"I had some tests done…and…the results are back." Lily whispers. Rufus rests a supportive hand on her thigh. He is more than prepared to relay the information to the nurse, but Lily seems to be handling it fine.

"Alright, I will let Dr. Matthews know that you are here." The nurse makes a note in Lily's chart and slips past the couple, closing the door on her way out.

Lily is anxiously tapping her fingertips against her thigh while her eyes flicker around the exam room. She hates doctor's offices almost as much as she despises hospitals. She is thankful to Rufus for tagging along, knowing that she couldn't possibly do this alone. However, she is terrified that this could be the last straw for them if her test results don't come back in her favor. It is completely logical for Rufus not to want to be with her if she is infected by Jack.

The knock on the door preempts a conversation that Rufus and Lily have been procrastinating on. Dr. Matthews slips in, offering a comforting smile to the couple. Lily hears her heartbeat pound in her ears as the knot in her stomach tightens.

"Thank you for coming in on such short notice Lily. I have your results right here." Dr. Matthews holds up a file to show Lily. Rufus deeply swallows as his hand slides up to hers, banding their fingers together.

"Okay…" As much as Lily wants to know, there is something holding her back.

Dr. Matthews sits down on the chair and opens her file.

"Lily, before I say anything. Do you want him in here for this?" Dr. Matthews asks, gesturing to Rufus. The physician doesn't know the status of Lily's relationship, but it's her choice if she wants Rufus in here.

"Yeah, I want him here." Lily reassures Dr. Matthews, bringing their conjoined hands into her lap.

"Okay, well, I am happy to tell you that you tested negative for everything. You are not pregnant nor do you have any STD's."

Rufus can physically see the relief wash over Lily. He knows how much this has been weighing on her and to hear that she is fine medically is liberating. She gives Rufus an authentic grin this time. He squeezes her hand and brushes a kiss to her silky blonde hair.

"Thank you…that's great!" Lily exclaims, surprising even herself at how excited she sounds. Dr. Matthews matches Rufus and Lily's enthusiasm. She is glad that she was able to deliver good news rather than bad. Her patient has been through such a traumatic ordeal, it would only add to Lily's stress if she happened to be pregnant or infected.

As thrilled as Lily is, there is something that she wants to ask her doctor, but doesn't know how. Plus, she hasn't talked to anyone about this yet, even Rufus. It might help if she were to talk to Natalie first to get her input on it.

"Is there anything that you wanted to talk to me about?" Dr. Matthews asks the couple. Rufus shakes his head and looks over at Lily.

"Um…do I need to be on any medication or anything?" Lily asks, although this isn't the question that she wants to ask.

"No…you tested negative, so there isn't really a reason to prescribe you anything. If there is any reason that you feel like you should come back, feel free to call my office and we will go from there."

Lily is considering coming back on her own, but she is going to wait until after she discusses her concerns with Natalie and possibly Rufus.

Dr. Matthews leaves the couple, not even bothering to conduct an exam on Lily. Lily and Rufus leave the office, unsure of what to do next.

"Are you hungry?" Rufus asks Lily as they step out onto the bustling New York sidewalk outside of the office.

"Yeah, I can eat. Take me somewhere," Lily demands with a playful grin. With the great news of her test results flooding through her, Lily feels like she can take on Manhattan. For the time being, Jack raping her doesn't have to be at the forefront of her mind.

"Alright Lil, let's go get some breakfast," Rufus snatches her hand again, hailing a taxi to Brooklyn. He reminds himself that Natalie still needs to be apprised of the latest, but that call can be prolonged a little longer. Lily is in such great spirits right now, he is afraid that bringing up Natalie will put a damper on her mood.

They end up eating at the loft, without Jenny or Dan being there. Rufus wants to make sure that his children are being taken care of as far as groceries go. He has spending so much time with Lily that he hasn't seen his children very much lately.

Their meal flows relatively smoothly, resembling more of what their relationship was before the rape. Rufus enjoys just seeing Lily joke around and laugh, something that hasn't happened in these past few days. She is more like her old self again, which is what Rufus has been missing.

After their waffles have been eaten, Rufus offers to clean up. Lily swallows a pain pill from the bottle in her purse while waiting.

"Hey Lil, Natalie wants an update…" Rufus mentions over his shoulder. Lily purses her lips and nods, remembering that she has to call her therapist.

"Okay, I'll call her," Lily grabs her cell phone and dials Natalie's office. Rufus lingers in the kitchen while Lily ventures into the living room.

"Dr. Cormier's office," the receptionist answers.

"Can I talk to Dr. Cormier please? This won't take long," Lily asks the receptionist.

"Yes, she is in between patients right now, so I will connect you."

Natalie hears the phone ring in her office and lunges towards it, hoping that Lily is calling her. She has been waiting ever since she spoke with Rufus this morning.

"Hello, Dr. Cormier speaking," Natalie says, trying to maintain her professionalism. She hears silence on the other end and knows right away that it's Lily.

"Hi…Natalie, it's Lily."

"Hello Lily, I have been waiting to hear from you. How are you feeling?"

Natalie subconsciously crosses her fingers, hoping that Lily doesn't blame her for the extreme measures they had to revert to yesterday. The therapist genuinely didn't have an alternative but to sedate Lily.

"I'm doing…good, better than yesterday." Natalie does an audible sigh of alleviation, she is glad that her patient has reached a point of stability for the time being.

"That's great to hear, would you be interested in coming for a session today? It's totally up to you," Natalie quickly adds, wanting to reassure Lily.

Lily bites on her thumbnail between her teeth while considering Natalie's offer. She doesn't even ask Rufus for his opinion because she is already aware of what his recommendation would be.

"Um…okay…what time will work best for you?"

Rufus listens while Lily and Natalie trade times for an impending session. He is glad that Lily is choosing to go back to therapy for herself, not because he wants her to. Hopefully after therapy, Lily will be more apt to open up to him. They were making progress until that fateful dinner they had yesterday, now they seem to be back in the same place they were before.

Lily rejoins him in the kitchen, setting her cell phone on the counter. Rufus sets the clean dish down in the sink and turns to face her, leaning against the counter.

"Natalie wants to see me in less than hour. She was nice enough to forego her lunch break for me." Lily's voice sounds empty, she is simply relaying information to Rufus with no emotion behind it.

"That was sweet of her. Lil, do you mind if I stay here? I really have to get food for the kids."

Rufus' comment takes Lily by surprise, she didn't think she would have to go to therapy alone. Even if Rufus is merely waiting outside, it's comforting to her that he is there if she decides to abort the session. However, Lily recognizes that Rufus feels guilty for leaving his children at the loft while he stays with her at the penthouse. She sympathizes with him, they have put her well-being and their blossoming relationship first instead of their children.

"Oh…yeah, I'll be fine. I'll see you at the penthouse later?" Lily approaches Rufus, tilting her head up to lock eyes with him.

"Yeah, I'll be over there by the time you get back from seeing Natalie." He promises her, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Thank you," Lily whispers and brushes a kiss to his cheek. Rufus is surprised, he thought Lily would choose to go for a hug rather than a kiss. It's an indicator that they are making progress on their intimacy issue.

Lily scoops up her phone and purse, waving to him as she leaves his loft. She can manage to be by herself for a few hours, she has done it before. Even if this wasn't her choice, she will respect Rufus' request to stay in Brooklyn to restock the fridge for Dan and Jenny. He promised her that he would make it to Manhattan in a few hours, so why does she feel this way?

Has she become too accustomed to just having him there? She was fine with being alone before the rape, but she despises it now. The ten minutes she decided to separate from Rufus that night, she was raped. Lily hopes that Rufus comprehends that she isn't trying to be clingy, but she doesn't feel safe by herself anymore.

Lily jumps into a taxi in front of Rufus' apartment building, rattling off the address to Natalie's Manhattan office. She checks her phone, contemplating calling Rufus even though they just saw each other. Lily shakes her head and throws her phone back in her purse. She will be fine alone, she just has to believe it.

Rufus can't help but be a little nervous for Lily to go see Natalie by herself. He could sense her hesitation when he proposed staying behind. It's weird not seeing Lily as the independent women she once was. Usually, she would scoff and insist that Rufus didn't need to be by her side twenty-four-seven, but that has changed. Rufus never thought he would miss the time when Lily didn't need him to be around constantly, but he appreciates it because it's a sign that she trusts him.

Lily checks herself in with the receptionist in Natalie's office and goes into the waiting room. She checks her phone, seeing that Rufus sent her a text checking to see if everything is okay. Lily responds with a quip about how long it took to arrive at Natalie's office and reassurances that she is doing fine.

Natalie swallows the last bite of her salad just as the phone beeps, signaling that another one of her patients arrived. Knowing that it's Lily, Natalie immediately throws her lunch away and exits her office, strolling down the long hallway until she is standing at the threshold of the waiting room door. Lily, as always, has her back to the entrance of the waiting room, but Rufus is nowhere to be seen.

"Lily," Natalie calls out, dropping her patient's last name because of the negative connotation it has for Lily. The therapist sees Lily whip her head around for confirmation that Natalie is the one yelling her name. Lily quickly gets up, wincing when her back pain returns with full fury. Natalie notices this and gives an apologetic smile.

"Hi," Lily says cordially and then proceeds to silently follow Natalie back into her office. No conversation is exchanged until they are safely within the confines of the therapist's office, an unwritten rule they established in the first session.

"Hi Lily, I'm glad to see you are doing better today," Natalie comments. Lily had this look in her eyes that Natalie can only describe as vacant with a tinge of haunted-ness to them. Her complexion is no longer pale and she seems more coherent than the day before.

"I am," Lily declares and sits down in her usual spot, letting Natalie have the couch designated for patients. Natalie goes over to her desk to pull out a pen and Lily's file before claiming the couch. She wonders if Rufus not being here has anything to do with yesterday, but they will work to that point in their session today.

"Did the Ambien help you at all?" Lily shrugs, she didn't really want to take the drug in the first place so she is indifferent to its effects.

"I guess it did, I was able to sleep for a long time without any nightmares."

"That's great! Do you think you will continue to take it?" Natalie can see Lily tense up, something she predicted. The therapist realizes Lily's reservations about taking relying on a drug to help her sleep. Lily thinks that the pills, along with the alcohol, will become a way to numb herself instead of dealing with actual issues the rape brought up for her.

"I don't know…Do you think it's necessary?"

"I want you to make that call. You don't have to take every night if you don't want to, it could just be utilized when you know the nightmares are going to be vivid for you to get any kind of sleep."

Lily nods, Natalie does have a point about the Ambien. It doesn't have to be an every night thing, but rather, a back-up when she is having an especially trying days that will occur with more frequency when the trial starts.

"Okay…I will keep that in mind."

"So you said you were doing better, how so? Can you walk me through your morning?"

Lily uncrosses her arms and leans back into the cushions of the love seat.

"I…just feel refreshed."

"I can tell, it must be nice to get an actual good night's sleep since your attack happened. What did you do this morning before you came to see me?"

Lily lets out a deep breath and flicks a chuck of hair behind her shoulder.

"Well…I got a call from my doctor saying that my test results were in." Natalie quirks an eyebrow, she is learning more and more about Lily each session. She doesn't comment yet, wanting to see how much Lily is willing to reveal.

Lily pauses, waiting for a question that usually follows whenever she starts talking. Natalie is very inquisitive, so it's disconcerting to Lily that her therapist isn't saying anything.

"So…um…anyway, I'm clean, Jack didn't give me anything…thank God." Lily continues, filling the awkward silence that has infiltrated the air between them.

Natalie grins, but notices that Lily doesn't seem as relieved. Her instincts tell her that Lily is holding something back, which really doesn't come as a surprise to her by now. Natalie is going to steer clear of that topic for the time being, they can return to it when Lily isn't so jumpy.

"So, what else did you do this morning?"

Lily furrows her eyebrows at the abrupt topic change, but rolls with it. Normally, Natalie wants to deconstruct her sentences to piece together a new revelation Lily never thought about before.

"I had breakfast with my kids, which was a little weird."

"Weird how?"

"I don't know, it felt like everyone was talking about me until I came down the stairs."

"Do you know what they were talking about?"

"I think it had to do with my daughter wanting to know where I was going and what I was doing today, but I can't be sure."

"What have you told your kids about your rape?" Natalie would have to guess that Lily has kept her children in the dark about most stuff regarding her attack. There is so much that Lily hasn't disclosed with Rufus, the person who is undoubtedly the closest to her.

"Not much."

"Why?" Natalie can see tears build up in Lily's eyes, but she wants to pursue this particular line of questioning.

"They are just kids…"

"And…?" Lily brushes a tear that is slipping down her cheek. It's hard for her to articulate her reservations about discussing her attack to her kids.

"I don't want to burden them anymore than I already have."

Natalie can tell that they are on the cusp of revealing something that Lily hasn't talked about yet. Her patient reaches for the tissues, dotting her eyes with one to collect her tears.

"What do you mean by that? How do you see yourself as a burden to your kids?"

Lily clears her throat, and sniffs loudly before she talks.

"Well…I've been married and divorced four times, raped and then there was that article about it…" Lily trails off, waiting for Natalie to speak.

Natalie had no idea about Lily's past marriages, but it obviously still weighs on her patient tremendously.

"Why did you end those marriages?"

Lily is curious as to why Natalie is inquiring about her string of husbands instead of talking about her rape. However, Lily has never talked about her feelings about being divorced four times with anyone, except for Rufus with Bart.

"Well, there were several reasons, but the main one had to do with the thought that each of them would make me happy, but they didn't."

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy Lily. Did you involve the kids in your decision to end your marriages at all?" Lily takes a second to reflect on her past relationships and discovers that she really hasn't consulted her children much.

"Serena and Eric's father, William, was my first husband. We got divorced when the children were little. My second and third marriages were so brief that the kids barely got to know them before the divorces. Bart, my fourth husband, was different though."

"What do you mean?"

"I was in a relationship with Bart when I started seeing Rufus again. My daughter started dating his son which caused me and Rufus to become close. I was going to run away with Rufus, but my daughter begged me to stay with Bart. I ended up marrying him because I thought it was the right thing to do for my children."

"Okay…so….help me, help you. From what I can tell, you are making choices that benefit yourself and your children. Those marriages didn't work out, so what? You are allowed to make mistakes."

"Yeah, well, I have made a lot of them. I just don't want my kids to be affected by them."

Natalie rocks from side-to-side and drops her file for the time being.

"They will be to a certain point, but hopefully they know who you are as a mom and a person to not let other people's opinion of you influence them."

"I want to protect my children from my mistakes."

"As any good parent would, but there is a difference between protecting them and completely shutting them out. I am sure that your kids have questions they would like to ask you about the rape."

Lily considers what Natalie is telling her. Her therapist is right, Serena has been itching to discuss tidbits of the attack with her mother, but Lily has been reluctant because of the emotions it invokes in her.

Natalie scoops her file off the floor and makes a note to bring up their talk about Lily's children on the next session. She can tell that Lily is done talking about it right now.

"Alright…so what happened after the kids left?"

"I got ready to go to the doctor's office, I actually was able to dress myself this morning."

"Great! Your bruises look a little better today." Natalie comments, noting her patient ducking her head sheepishly. Her bruises are fading from plum into goldenrod, making them less noticeable against her ivory skin.

"My back hurts less, but it still aches when I sit too long or make an awkward move."

"Did Rufus go with you to the doctor's office?"

"He did, although he didn't really have a choice, I wouldn't let go of his hand the entire time." Natalie tilts her head and Lily immediately recognizes that her therapist has figured something out.

"Interesting," Natalie whispers and takes a second to mentally jot down a list of questions that she is going to ask Lily.

"What?" Lily volleys her gaze from side-to-side, wondering what Natalie is grasping at.

"I'm just curious, do you believe in the cliché 'actions are louder than words'?"

"Yeah…" escapes from Lily's lips, unsure of whether that is the correct answer to provide Natalie.

"I thought so. Okay, would you rather tell someone you love them or show them?"

"Show them," Lily is starting to follow where Natalie is going with this, but would rather let the psychiatrist keep talking.

"I figured. I think the problem that you and Rufus have. He would rather talk, whereas you would rather convey your meaning through actions. Rufus becomes frustrated when you don't want to talk about whatever is bothering you. You become irritated with him because that's all he wants to do. Letting him into the exam room or even bringing him to your doctor's office and to this office is your way of opening up to him."

The wide-eyed expression on Lily's face tells Natalie that her instinct is correct, only her patient never considered this hindrance in her relationship before.

"Wow…I…suppose you are right, but how can we change it?"

A simple raise of the shoulders by Natalie triggers a tiny amount of defeat inside Lily. She was hoping with this new insight into her and Rufus' relationship would come with instructions on how to navigate it, but she was wrong.

"Well…I think that you have to find a way to compromise with him. You could start with telling him something that you haven't told anyone before."

Lily can feel her palms start to sweat, she knows exactly what iota of information she could offer to Rufus, but it might be their undoing.

"Would it help if you talked to me about it first?" Natalie proposes, spotting the deep blush on her patient's cheeks. There definitely has to be something, Lily is proficient at keeping secrets.

"Um…it might…I don't know if you want to hear it though."

"You wouldn't believe half the things that people tell me. Like I said, whatever you tell me will stay between us. It's totally your choice whether you want to share it with me or not."

Lily pauses, reaching for the tissue box, preparing for the onslaught of tears that will be arriving as soon as she starts talking.

"It has to do with…the rape…what Jack…did to me…"

Natalie lets silence erupt in the room, wondering if she should fill in the gaps or if Lily will elaborate without any push from her. Lily tries to ebb her tears, unsuccessfully. The therapist realizes she is going to have to open up the dialogue.

"Was it something to hurt you or…?" Natalie cuts herself when Lily shakes her head.

"No…its…" Lily takes in a shaky breath, "let me just tell you what happened."

Jack grabs her wrists and slams her against the mirror, finally breaking the glass and the shards end up embedded in her shoulder. Lily hisses in pain, which Jack misinterprets as a sign of arousal.

"You like that Lily? You like the pain, don't you?" Jack whispers in her ear, pressing his body flesh against hers.

Lily is trying with everything in her to break free of Jack's grip, letting out a moan filled with anger, fear and frustration.

"God you smell so good Lily," Jack mutters against her cheek, moving his left hand to hike her dress up, yanking her lace panties and throwing them aimlessly in another direction.

Lily sees Jack's attention directed somewhere else and uses it as her chance to slip away from his grasp. Jack sees this and roughly grips her shoulders, crashing her into the wall.

"Help!" Lily screams, only to be slapped against the face by Jack.

"Shut up bitch! Nobody cares about you," Jack reminds her and twists her arm around her back, hearing her cry out in pain. He lets go, moving his hand to her neck while he grips her hip with his free hand.

Lily yanks her head to the side, feeling his grip loosen on her neck. Jack invades her personal space even more, causing Lily to back up into the counter. Her back is aching in protest, but Lily doesn't have a choice. She hears Jack unzip his pants and she tries one more time to free herself from him.

Lily's plan is thwarted by Jack unexpectedly pressing her lips to hers, forcing his tongue down her throat. His fingers coil around her hips while Lily writhes under him. She bites his tongue, letting Jack know that she is going down willingly. Jack counters by entering her powerfully. Lily gasps and Jack grabs her wrists, pressing them into the wall so she can't break free.

"You like that Lily? Say you belong to me!" Jack growls into her ear and then sinks his teeth into her neck.

"No," slips out of Lily's voice in an anguished whisper. There is no way she is going to give that satisfaction. Lily can sense him inside her, but refuses to match him, knowing that it's exactly what he wants. Jack's mouth leaves her neck while his hands navigate to her breasts, squeezing them in his hands.

"You think this is a game you little whore? I will satisfy you in a way Rufus never can!" Jack yells in her ear. Lily whips her head to the side so Jack won't see the tear escaping her eyes.

Jack pumps in and out of her once more, using his hand to squeeze her thighs open. They both can hear activity coming from outside and Jack knows his time is up, but he tries one more time.

"I felt myself…you know…" Lily whispers, her words coming out staccato because of her tears. Natalie drops her notes, knowing that they won't provide any assistance. What her patient revealed to her makes total sense, it ties all of her issues together in a way that Natalie never expected.

"Are you saying that you almost had an orgasm?" Natalie asks, just to clarify what she thinks her patient means by "you know".

"Yes," Lily says and chokes out a sob. Her back protests the slumped over posture that she is in. Lily readjusts, but still can't glance in Natalie's direction. She looks at her therapist briefly, surprised to see that pity is not ensconced on her face. If anything, Natalie seems to be apathetic.

Natalie has helped women like Lily through this particular issue before. Victims of sexual assault see this as the ultimate betrayal by their own bodies when in fact, it is totally out of their control.

"Well…what you experienced is common. One of five women report having at least one orgasm while being raped. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it just happens."

Lily nods, believing what Natalie is telling her, but she feels embarrassed by it.

"What if I can't….with Rufus when we decide to...?" Lily leaves Natalie to fill-in-the-blank for her.

"Is that the reason that you are hesitant to be intimate with Rufus?"

"It's one of the reasons, part of it has to with the fact that I'm still very sore."

"I am sure if you tell Rufus what you just told me he would be understanding."

"What if he finds it disgusting?" Lily asks, while angrily swiping away tears from her cheeks. Natalie shakes her head to object.

"I would highly doubt that. I am sure he would be confused, but I can guarantee that he thinks he is the problem too."

"Rufus isn't doing anything wrong! I can't believe he would think that."

"How would you two know what the problems are if you never talk with each other?"

Lily clamps her mouth shut, thinking that Natalie makes a very good point. She feels better about revealing what has been on her mind since that night to Natalie. However, talking to Rufus about it will be difficult.

"So, how do I approach this…subject?"

"I would just be honest with him, tell him what you told me. It is nothing to be humiliated or ashamed of. I understand that it is not necessarily the easiest thing to talk about, but you two might never be able to get back to the place you were before without this being discussed."

The phone rings, indicating to Natalie and Lily that the next patient is idling in the waiting room. Lily reaches for another Kleenex, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose to erase all traces of her breakdown to any curious onlookers.

"Do you want to schedule another session?" Natalie asks Lily after a few seconds of silence. Lily nods and gathers up her things, wanting to exit as quickly as possible. A lot was discussed today, so much that Lily needs a break from everything for a while. Hopefully, Rufus will be back at the penthouse and they can relax together.

"Uh…yeah…do I go through you or…?"

"I'll walk you out and you can schedule an appointment with the receptionist if you'd like."

Natalie opens her office door and steps out into the hallway, expecting Lily to follow her. Lily swings her purse over her shoulder and takes a final look at the office. She trails behind Natalie until they reach the desk. Natalie slips behind it and takes over for the receptionist.

Lily and Natalie trade dates and times back and forth until they finally settle on an appointment for a week from now.

"Don't be afraid to call my office," Natalie reminds Lily.

"Thanks," Lily mutters and turns to leave, pilfering a sucker on the way out.

The taxi back to the penthouse gives Lily a chance to mull over everything that happened during her session. She has never really analyzed her feelings about her divorces before nor has she thought about the ramifications her rape has had on her children. Natalie is right about speaking with Serena and Eric, but the conversation seems so awkward. Lily has never been incredibly close with her children as they never fail to remind her. Maybe bridging that gap will help everyone, including her. She appreciates Natalie's non-judgmental approach about the wide range of topics they have covered. As much as Lily doesn't want to admit it, she is grateful to Rufus that he suggested going to therapy. Lily couldn't imagine how hard it would be to deal with all of her thoughts and emotions by herself.

The cab drops Lily off in front of her apartment complex and Vanya shows her inside. She thanks Vanya and rides the elevator up to the penthouse. She is mentally crossing her fingers that Rufus will be there when she steps off. Even though she doesn't really want to talk about anything right now, just having him there will ease her anxiety exponentially.

Sure enough, Lily steps off the elevator, seeing the back of Rufus' head from his position on the couch. Rufus turns and smiles when he sees her. Lily grins at him and they close the gap between each other.

"Hey Lil," Rufus whispers in her ear, ecstatic that she made it back without completely falling apart. Lily binds her arms around him, inhaling his cologne and aftershave mix. There is an overwhelming sense of calm that washes over her. Rufus has that effect on her, she always feels safe when she is with him.

"I'm glad you are here," Lily mumbles, her breath bouncing off his t-shirt. Rufus gently lifts her head up, dusting a kiss to her forehead. A soft smile tugs at her lips, she needed this.

"How did it go?" Rufus asks, snagging her hand and bringing them over to the couch. He sits down first, letting her collapse onto his lap. Lily tucks her head into the curve of his neck.

"It was…okay…we talked about….the kids and the doctor's office…stuff like that…" A yawn garbles up the rest of her sentence. Rufus glances down at her, recognizing that she is being intentionally vague.

"Were you okay with going by yourself?" Lily shrugs and fiddles with the lapel of his button-up.

"Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

That voice inside of her head that is telling her to talk to him is getting louder, but Lily can't do it. She needs a break from answering questions and talking about her feelings.

"Lil, we need to talk about something," Rufus protests with frustration. Lily pushes herself off of him to meet his gaze.

"I know, but what I have to tell you…it's hard."

Rufus hates the simple act of talking about something pertaining to her rape can reduce Lily to tears. He cups her cheek, caressing it with his thumb.

"Whatever it is, we can deal with it together," he gently reminds her.

Lily nods and presses her finger to eyelid, sensing the tear puddle onto the pad of her fingertip.

"When we were at the doctor's office, I wanted to ask her something, but I couldn't. I talked about it with Natalie and…" Lily clears her throat to clear the cobwebs. Rufus clasps her hand, showing his unwavering support.

"Does it have something to do with what Jack did to you?" He asks to ease her into telling him whatever it is that she has been keeping from him.

"I…almost had…an orgasm…before Chuck came in…"

Rufus does his best to keep his face neutral at Lily's admission, but he is sure that he is failing terribly at it. He wants to murder Jack even more for what he has done to Lily. Lily swallows and waits for Rufus to say something for an indication as to how he is feeling. Silence isn't subsiding her anxiety about revealing this to Rufus. She shakes off his grip and stands up to pace around the living room.

Rufus senses her pull away and pops his head up, seeing her walking in circles. He stands and intentionally blocks her path in front of the fireplace. Rufus can see Lily trembling and he coils his arms around her, letting her cry into his shoulder.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of Lil, it was out of your control."

"That's the problem!" Lily sobs and balls up the cotton of his shirt into her fists.

"I know…it is okay baby, thank you for telling me."

Rufus is shocked that Lily was willing to disclose this to him, but is glad that she did. It helps him to be aware of the fact of why they haven't made strides to become intimate with each other again.

Lily sniffs and lifts her head up, using the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. They both hear the elevator doors open, but ignore it, assuming that the children are home from school. However, Lily can detect a scent that she only attributes to one person.

"What the hell?" Lily whispers and furrows her eyebrows.

"Hello darling," CeCe says from behind the couple. Rufus makes eye contact with CeCe and glances down at Lily, seeing the pure fury etched into her face.

A/N 2" This is where I leave you for now! I am so sorry that it took me so long to update, life just got in my way. Next chapter, CeCe is here to cause turmoil for Rufus and Lily. Let me know what you want to happen! Thanks for reading and please leave a review when you can! F&F will be updated before Thanksgiving!