Warm sun, feed me up.
I'm leery, loaded up,
Loathing for a change.
And I slip some, boil away.
Swallowed, followed,
Heavy about everything
But my love…
Swallowed, sorrowed,
I'm with everyone and yet not.
Even as an experienced swimmer, the cold shocked my body and I immediately sank in the deep underwater. I didn't expect the ocean to be this frigid in October. But I quickly recovered and continued on anyway, using my feet to push upward from the bottom. I surfaced and faced the night sky, spitting out salt water as it lapped over my face. I fought forward against the strong current. I swam to the boat the girl was indicating and rested for a moment against it.
I was out of breath and shaking. The smooth, slick underside of the boat held me up, but it wasn't going to be for long. My grip was almost frozen and my fingers couldn't flex. I knew that I had little time to find Larry. If the cold water did not take me, then my lungs collapsing would. I could not breathe in these conditions. I had to go to shore soon before I drowned.
I heard Hawkeye in the distance. "Jeanie! Jeanie, come back!"
I wasn't listening. I didn't care to either. Taking some air, I went under the waves again. It was so dark and I couldn't see. But the outline of the boat and the direction of the waves helped in finding Larry. He wasn't too far off. He sunk to the bottom some feet away from me.
Self-harming myself in the past had not made me stronger physically. When I reached Larry, I tried pulling him up with me. My wrists were so weak that they bent and forced my frozen fingers to release him. I tried once more and didn't succeed any better. I was also started seeing dark spots before my eyes and was losing consciousness. I had to surface.
I was coughing and numb by the time I reached the boat. After a minute, I dove down and swam for Larry. I didn't feel him in the same spot and panicked. He had moved. My hands frantically grasped at water until they felt cloth. Larry had been carried slightly closer to shore. It might work to my advantage, I figured frantically. If I could work with the water, then there was a chance that we could get back to the shore safely.
I pulled with all of my strength, but that didn't work. I was about to push myself back up for air when I felt someone holding onto me and lifting me up. I couldn't see who it was, but I knew that we were in trusting hands. Their strong arms held me and Larry and took us above the water and back to the shoreline.
Standing on land was like a hard shot to the arm. It was colder than the ocean, fast and unrelenting in its pain. Someone wrapped me in towels, maybe a coat or three. Voices rang over my head. They walked me back to Eddie's Bar. All the while, I was trying to pay attention and see if Larry was ok. However, my body was chattering so hard from head to toe that the only motion I understand was my feet walking in a sort of straight line to the building. There was no other noise except my mimicking drunken dance.
Eddie was at the door. Immediately, he led me to a back room and sat me down in a chair. He barked to somebody behind him to crank up the heat and to get some clothes for a woman about my size or to run back home to get some of my clothes. He didn't ask for my permission to help. He was too quick stripping off the layers and my dress and stockings and shoving me into another room naked. He demanded that I take whatever is in there and wrap myself until dry garments show up.
I looked around quickly and grabbed as much as my arms could take. I sat on a nearby bed and rocked back and forth for warmth. To keep busy, I studied my surroundings. The room was akin to someone's quarters. Of course, it seemed natural that Eddie lived in his place of business. I just didn't expect the amount of sleeping bags, blankets and sheets though. It smelled like the Swamp almost except more than three men and a woman lived in here. Eddie might have several visitors that needed a roof over their head for the night.
Within minutes, Eddie opened the door slightly and tossed in some clothes and boots in my direction. He yelled from the other side that Daniel had sent them and that if I needed help, he was right there. When I went to grab them a few feet in front of me, I noticed that they were green. My father-in-law had sent the most comfortable and durable set I owned. It was my Army uniform.
Putting them on had been the most comfortable thing I had ever done. While the fabric was stiff and itchy, it still held the same thinness and thickness we despised in the Korean heat and cold. It didn't break the chill, but it was better than soaking in my dress. Even so, I continued using the blankets and sleeping bags Eddie had around and remained seated on the bed until he came in a few minutes later.
I stood up on unsteady legs. "Is Larry ok?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Who knows? Hawkeye will tell us in the morning. He had the ambulance take the kid to Portland. He's there with him. The grandmother is following."
"Who came out?" I needed to know my savior too.
"What are you talking about?" Eddie asked. He scratched his head.
"Who swam out with us? I had some help."
"Oh. Oh. That. Well, it was Jake. He kinda just…you know. He went after you. He didn't think a dame should be left to her own devices."
"Is he ok?"
"Nothing is going to kill Jake, sweetie. Don't worry about him. Now, you want me to take you home?"
I accepted the offer. Eddie didn't think it wise for me to take his dirty bedding home with me though. Protesting that a lady like me should be decked out in style, he dug through a nearby closet to find me the proper wear for the outdoors other than my Army outfit. Eventually, he came up with another sweater and a coat to place on top of the green. I allowed him the grand opportunity to help me dress in them and escort me out. He also grabbed my purse from Lucy.
On my way out, there were a lot of people who looked my way. There wasn't much in the way of morbid curiosity anymore. People whispered behind their hands with respect. I wasn't just somebody who waltzed into their town on a whim after a war. No, I was one of them, someone who ran out to a resident in need without thought.
In the parking lot, I remembered something. "Oh, my God! I didn't pay for dinner. Let me grab some money."
Eddie held my purse away from me. "Dinner's been paid for, Jeanie. No worries."
"What? What?" I was confused.
"A couple of the patrons paid when they saw what happened. A lot of them also like Hawkeye. He was a scoundrel back in the day, but he was a damned good one. Excuse my language."
"No offense taken."
"Anyway, they appreciate that he was there for Larry too. He had been a kind soul before he was drafted. He was sad and pretty damned obnoxious. He was also a heavier drinker. What was he like in Korea?"
"About the same, I suppose. He liked his soap box too."
Eddie laughed as we continued our walk. "Oh, he had those here too. It depended on the situation though. Sometimes, old Daniel would keep him on a leash. Said he needed to pick and choose his battles more carefully."
"Well, he never really did that in Korea," I said carefully. "Sometimes though, the Army forced his hand and he had no choice."
"Yeah, well, the Army didn't do too many people favors," Eddie replied harshly.
"What do you mean?" The tone in his voice was very bitter and it threw me off guard. "I understand what you are talking about. The Army didn't help me much either. But you never told me you were in the Army."
"I wasn't," Eddie clarified. "Jake was. He was on the ground and in the air in France in 1917, 1918 too. He was part of those people who were promised a bonus and kept having it taken away from him. When the government established the Veterans Association, he was pretty pissy. He and a bunch thousand others marched down to DC."
"Oh, no." I heard this story before. It didn't have a good ending. "His group was dispersed."
"It was," Eddie confirmed. "He lost his wife and his son in the fight. He tried protecting them. The police and MacArthur and Patton kept taking the hits. They were one of the few that died. Jake's daughter was there and ran away. He hasn't seen her since."
Oh, my God," I said thickly. I was close to tears.
"When I hear stories about these people coming back, it makes my blood boil," Eddie continued. "I feel pain for you and Hawkeye. I knew how difficult it was to be there. I heard enough from Jake. But for you two to share that experience and come back like you did, all quiet and in hiding…I cannot imagine it. Jake's story alone is enough."
I was quiet for a minute. I never thought of the VA. I only knew of our own inner demons. However, I had heard the horror stories. I never experienced them firsthand though. The hospitals I worked for had been for soldiers, not veterans. To think that others had been fucked over more times than I had was enough to make my eyes see red. No wonder Jake had been so reserved. He had lost everything.
"It is," I agreed. "That alone is enough to make me angry too. We send these children to war and they either come back in a wooden bed or they come back without dignity and strength. There is no life for them after a war. There is only a new afterglow and it sometimes isn't so bright. There's no adjustment, no plan to help them."
"Unlike a lot of them, Jeanie, you have a family," Eddie reminded me. "You have a loving husband, a caring father-in-law and a pretty daughter. You must also have family somewhere, right?"
"Dead or living far away," I replied carefully. I did not want to open up that pain to Eddie yet. "I chose to come here. I wanted to find some peace."
Eddie nodded in understanding and said nothing. Then again, we had arrived home. He took me to the front porch and handed me back my purse. He knocked on the door and winked at me before Daniel opened it a crack. My father-in-law saw me and was jubilant, hiding behind a mask I would later view. Quickly, he swung it wider and pulled me inside. He thanked Eddie for his kindness and shut the cold away. Immediately, he sat me down on the couch.
Daniel stood before me. "What happened?" he demanded. "Hawkeye called me. He said Larry's boat capsized."
"A friend of his asked him to get the lobster traps," I replied softly. "I think the rest of self-explanatory."
"No, that's not what I mean, Jeanie." Daniel crossed his arms. "What happened?"
I knew what he meant now. Daniel was referring to my involvement. I didn't know what information he already had. There wasn't anything to hide and I wasn't ashamed by my impulsiveness. But the worry about Shannon was evident now that I was before him, alive. If I was already this rash, then how would I fare as a mother in the future? Would Shannon benefit from me or would she suffer?
These were legitimate concerns. I could not blame Daniel in the slightest for worrying about my daughter. For that matter, I could not blame him for being so concerned about our own behavior. Hawkeye and I had been nothing but children since we arrived and he tried easing us out of it. It was a hard adjustment and one that I thought was going better than expected. There would always be reminders of Korea, but Crabapple Cove was home. We will find healing here.
"I wasn't thinking," I admitted. "My mind focused on something and ran. It wasn't about me anymore. It was about some kid who didn't swim and found herself guilty because her friend took the fall when she should have."
"You did this in Korea, didn't you?" Daniel's voice was so quiet that I almost didn't hear him.
"Yes, we did," I verified proudly. I was tired of hiding my involvement in Korea. "Sometimes, it's a matter of life and death. You have to make a split decision. You cannot sit there and take turns talking about the pros and cons before deciding. I heard someone screaming for help. I wasn't going to stand back there and ignore it. I was going to act on it, even if it meant my life."
I paused, thinking. This sort of action also included my daughter. I wasn't going to stand back and watch her endure hardship either. If Shannon had been in the same situation, I would have gladly gone after her. I just had to make Daniel understand that. How to word it was going to be difficult. He was already glancing at me with more than concern. It was a severe anger and defensiveness. It had to be defused.
"You have Shannon," he told me shakily. "You have me and Hawkeye. What would we have done without you?"
I wanted to laugh. I had lived through a thousand lifetimes and none of them killed me. I didn't think an ocean would do the deed either. But I was more relaxed, hearing the tone changed. It wasn't just about Shannon's care. It was also my death. Daniel had just met me not even two months ago. He didn't want anyone to grieve with another loss.
"Moved on," I argued. "If any one of you were in the same situation, I would have done the same thing and I'm sure you would have too. Don't you understand, Daniel? The years after leaving my parents had been a life of service. I never thought of myself except to drink. I always gave of myself. And that is what I desire the most. I want to be of use to people, but I also see that a little girl needs me too.
"Larry is all that Mrs. Pettigrew has left. If he had died, what would she have to live for anymore? She's lost family too, remember, and her grandson alone remains. Even if there had been wrong, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Ever. I lost my own twin brother to greed, fear and war. He had been my world. I can't see Mrs. Pettigrew live through the same heartache."
I stopped my ranting. Daniel's expressions changed almost instantly. And then, I saw where Hawkeye got this high-strung emotion from. It was always transformed once the fog in the mirrors had cleared. Daniel had calmed down and smiled.
"I see your point, Jeanie," he said calmly, humbled by this forgiveness for the neighbor. He offered his hand to help me stand. When I took it, he continued. "I'll help you to your room. Get some sleep. I'll stay up and wait for Hawkeye's call."
I wanted to dispute it. I was more than willing to keep vigil. But Daniel was right. After an ordeal like this, sleep and warmth was preferable. For the second time that night, I let another man take the lead. Unlike Eddie though, Daniel was attentive. He checked me up and down several times on our trip upstairs before I slipped into the bedroom. He remained in the closed doorway, listening for me as I changed into some pajamas. Once I was in bed and tucked in with the lights out, he left.
I was wide awake though. I couldn't sleep. From the insane emotions I felt leaving with Hawkeye to the drama in the ocean, this night had been a memorable one. It also gave me some insight into Jake. Eddie's words rolled in my head. Jake lost everything, he said. But his daughter had run away when the fighting started. There was a chance that she was alive still.
I sat up in bed and turned on the lamp next to me. Of course, it was too late to call Greg Keller and ask for a favor. As far as I am aware, he was still in England and working to see what happened to Flagg after his plane went down. Granted, it might cost me. Greg had been kind to me in Korea and repaid me most of what he owed me in West Germany. This would be a tall order and I would have to repay him.
Bored, I sought to keep my mind busy while Daniel waited for the call. My journal was downstairs in my room. Any games or bottle of booze were also on the first floor. Frustrated, I dug through my footlocker and found a worn romance novel Margaret gave to me before we left Korea. I had read it through several times and could recite the plot and character dialogue by heart. But it was a distraction and one I desperately required.
Just wanted to by myself.
Hey, you said you would
Love to try some.
Hey, you said you would
Love to die some.
You're the wave, you're the wave.
Swallowed, borrowed,
Heavy about everything
But my love…
Swallowed, hollowed,
Sharp about everyone
But yourself.
Swallowed, oh, no,
I'm with everyone and yet not.
I'm with everyone and you're not.
I'm with everyone and yet…
Time rolled slowly. Dawn came through my window with reluctance. I had not heard anything in my hours of observance. I put the book down. I was almost finished with it anyway. I thought about getting up and brewing some coffee. I was going to dismiss it when I heard the phone ring. I jumped up and tossed the tome to one side aimlessly. Pulling my kimono on, I raced down the stairs to pick it up.
Daniel beat me to it of course. Standing in the corner, I saw that he was smiling, which seemed to be a good sign. He was nodding constantly too. He noticed me and waved me away to the kitchen.
I went gladly. Tightening the belt on the kimono, I banged about the kitchen with glee. I knew that the call was from Hawkeye. Larry was going to be all right.
A few notes, as always. Lyrics are from the Bush song "Swallowed". Another is about the Bonus Army. They did march to DC in 1932 and were dispersed in violent ways. While some deaths were reported, more were injured.
