Desperation

(Chapter Eleven: From The Mouths Of Babes)

McKenna sat at the bar coloring a picture as Olivia cooked dinner, Elliot would be home soon. It had been a long and exhausting first week back to work. And although Olivia really liked her job and seemed to be doing well at it she was having trouble getting used to not being a stay at home mom anymore.

"Mom?"

"What?"

"I said, what is for dinner?"

"No, you asked what is for dinner. That is a question. You ask questions, you don't say them."

Olivia watched as little miss almost six propped her head against her palm and stared unamused at her.

"We are having baked salmon with Rosemary sauce served on a bed of long grain wild rice and a portabella-broccoli stir-fry."

McKenna scrunched up her nose. "What is that?"

"Fish with rice and broccoli with mushrooms."

"Like fish sticks?"

"You know what," Olivia stared at her daughter for a moment knowing she would probably take one bits of the salmon and refuse to eat it, "you want fish sticks? You got fish sticks. Mommy will put them in the oven right now."

McKenna grinned.

"Fish sticks and rice and broccoli. A little odd, but it is a meal."

"I like broccoli, mom."

"Good. So how was school today?"

"Good. I like my new school."

"You do? Do you have any new friends?"

"Yes. Some friends. But my best friend it Katie."

"Is Katie nice?"

"Yes."

"What do you and Katie like to do at school?"

"We draw pictures and swing on the swings. She can go really high. And we sing songs and play games."

"Well, Katie sounds like a really good friend."

"Yes," McKenna said tipping her head. "Mommy, can we get a doggie?"

"Where did that come from?"

"Katie has a dog. He is big and black with white socks and he knows lots of tricks. His name is Jake."

"Baby, we don't have any room for a dog because we live in an apartment."

"But what if we move again? Can we have a dog if we don't live at a partment?"

"In an apartment? Possibly. Maybe some day. But not right now."

"Oh. Then can I get a baby sister instead?"

"Whoa, what?"

"A baby sister. To play with me. One that lives here with me and you and daddy. I will be a good big sister, mommy."

"What, does Katie have one of those, too?" Olivia asked placing her hand on her hip still barely able to believe she was having this conversation with her five year old.

"No," McKenna said shaking her head and picking up another crayon. "She had a baby brother."

Olivia stared at her for a minute still in shock and unsure of what to say.

"But I don't want a brother. I want a sister. Brothers are mean."

"Honey, you already have two brothers and three sisters. Are your brothers mean?"

"Eli is sometimes. He hides Maggie and wont help me find her. And he colored all of the pictures in my princess book and would not share the markers."

Olivia walked around the edge of the counter. "Come her kid," she said raising McKenna to sit on the counter. "I know you are used to being the only kid in the house. But Eli is your brother. You have to share with him, too. You guys have to find a way to play nice together. Maybe mommy can help you pick out some coloring books that you can both color in. And we will make sure there are plenty of markers. But you guys can't fight. He is your brother and he loves you very much. And you love him, too. I know you do. So the next time Eli is over here you make sure you are sharing your things with him and if he is mean about it or he hides Maggie again, you go tell your daddy. Okay?"

"Okay, mommy."

"I am so proud of you princess," Olivia said kissing McKenna and hugging her.

"But mommy, I still want a baby sister."

"Yeah, well….we'll see about that in a few years or so. Can you help mommy set the table?"

"Yes," she said kissing Olivia.

Olivia helped her down then sat a stack of plates and silverware on the table. McKenna placed a plate and silverware at each of the three seats at the table.

"Go get washed up for dinner, sweetheart. Daddy will be home any minute."

A few minutes later the front door opened and Elliot walked in dropping his keys on the table beside the door.

"Daddy," McKenna called out running to his side and hugging his legs.

"Hey Kenna," Elliot said picking her up and hugging her. "Daddy missed you today. How was school?"

"Good. I colored you a picture. Wanna see?"

"I sure do," Elliot said pulling her down as she ran to the bar to pick it up.

"How was work?" He asked smiling up at Olivia.

"Good. I really like the job. It is just getting used to working again that wears me out," she laughed.

"Something smells wonderful."

"Salmon."

"And fish sticks," McKenna said tugging on his pant leg for Elliot to pick her back up.

"And fish sticks," Olivia repeated with a smile.

"Look daddy," McKenna said turning the page to show him as Elliot picked her up again. "This is you and mommy and me."

"That is beautiful, honey. But who is that?"

"That is our dog. But…we cant get a dog until we move cause we have a partment," she informed him.

"Oh, okay. You did really good on this. It is really pretty. Why don't you write your name on it and daddy will take it to work and hang it by my desk?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. And show every body what a good artist you are."

McKenna smiled. "I love you daddy."

"I love you too, baby girl. And you know what tomorrow is?"

"Saturday."

"What do we do on Saturday?"

"Make pancakes and watch cartoons."

"That is right. And daddy has been looking forward to his Saturday with you all week."

"Me too daddy."

"Have you washed your hands for dinner?"

"Yes. And I setted the table, too."

"You've been helping mommy, huh?"

"Yes."

"That's my good girl. Let's go eat. Daddy is really hungry."

"Daddy," McKenna said as they ate their dinner.

"Yes, Kenna?"

"If you are still hungry after you eat your fish, you can have some of my fish sticks."

"Thank you, but I think daddy has plenty of food."

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Kenna?"

"Is a fish stick a fishie's finger?" She scrunched her nose up and stared at the breaded bite on her fork.

"No, honey. A fish stick is the same part of the fish that daddy has. They just cut it like that so it is easier to pick up and eat."

"Oh," she said smiling.

After dinner Elliot did the dinner dishes while Olivia soaked in a hot bath to relax and McKenna played in her bedroom. Olivia returned to the living room and sat down on the sofa with her book.

Elliot made his way down the hall to get his daughter ready for bed. A few minutes later McKenna climbed up on the couch to kiss Olivia good night then headed for her room.

"Let me get her in bed and I'll pour us a glass of wine and you can tell me about the new job," Elliot said following McKenna down the hall.

Olivia watched as he walked back into the kitchen and poured them each a glass of her favorite red wine then took a seat beside her.

"So? Tell me all about it," he said handing her a glass.

"Not much to tell. I type and file and answer phones. Take messages and schedule meetings."

"Do you like it?"

"I do."

"But?"

Olivia stared up at him and smiled. "What?"

"I feel a but coming on. I can see it in your face."

"It's nothing."

"What?"

"I just…it is hard to get used to working again. I have not had a job in over six years. And even then it was nothing like this. I kind of feel like I am sitting around not doing anything."

"Bored?"

"Kind of."

"You hate it."

"No, I just…"

"Olivia?"

She looked at him for a moment and they both smiled. "Okay, I hate it. And I feel bad for hating it. My boss is great and the other people I work with are so nice. It is only blocks from here and the schedule works out perfect with McKenna's school. I have to be crazy not to like it."

"Not really. This is not exactly the kind of work that you are used to. You are a cop, were anyway. And a damn good one. Admit it, you are an adrenaline junkie and some boring old desk job just isn't cutting it."

Olivia laughed and took another sip of wine. "I need this job, Elliot."

"No you don't."

She looked up at him.

"I told you, you don't have to go back to work. I can take care of you guys. I like taking care of you guys. Besides you should be getting a check from his life insurance once they close the case. Things will be okay."

"Elliot, you are gone all day and now McKenna is in school. I have to work. If I don't I will probably go crazy, just sitting around here all day."

"Okay, so find a different job then. One that is more hands on, something that keeps you more active."

"That is a good idea. I could keep this until I find something else."

"How is McKenna liking school?"

"She seems to love it. She has a best friend, named Katie. Katie has a dog."

"That is where the dog came in. I figured you already had the dog talk with her, by the way she talked to me about it."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah. You will never guess what else your daughter said."

"This must be bad."

"Why do you say that?"

"You referred to her as my daughter. Olivia, I have five other children. I know that when one of them is referred to as my child it usually means trouble."

Olivia smiled. "Not that bad. But it caught me off guard."

"What did she say?"

"That she wanted a baby sister."

Olivia laughed as Elliot smiled.

"That's not so bad. What did you tell her?"

"I told her that we would talk about it in a few years."

"I think she would make a great big sister."

"That is what she said."

"Oh, come on. You and James were trying to have another baby. So obviously at some point you considered having giving her a little brother or sister."

"She doesn't want a brother. She was specific. She only wants a sister."

Elliot laughed and took a drink of his wine.

"She is adorable though."

"Oh yeah, she's cute. But I was so worried she was going to ask me where babies come from or how they were made. Hard conversation to have with your five year old."

"I see your point. Do you still think about it?"

"What?"

"Having another baby?"

"Things are different now, Elliot."

"How?"

"For one I no longer have a husband. I am a single mother and I thank god every day that you are here and that she at least has her father. And second of all, my husband has been dead for six months now. I have not even started dating yet. How could I possibly consider getting pregnant?"

"You should think about it," he said kicking his shoes off and raising his feet to rest on the coffee table.

"Getting pregnant?"

"No, dating again," he laughed.

Olivia laughed, too.

"I don't know. I mean how long do you wait after your spouse is murdered to start dating someone else?"

"As long as it takes you to feel ready. It is not about James anymore, Olivia. It is about you and McKenna, now." He raised his hand and locked his fingers in hers.

"Elliot," she said softly as he rubbed his fingertip across hers.

"I know this is hard for you, because you want to do things right for her. But we are her parents, Olivia. You and I. How could that possibly be wrong?"

Olivia exhaled deeply. "Elliot, if we dated and it didn't work out how would I explain that to her?"

"At least we would know we tried. That we gave it a real shot. Right now we cant even say that. It would be different if we had given it a real try before and it didn't work out. But all we had was one night. One amazing night."

"One amazing night, while you were still married to someone else."

"And now we have one amazing little girl. Maybe it would be nice to have two."

"What?"

"I mean later down the line. If things worked out between us."

"You have six kids, Elliot."

"Do you want another baby?"

"Now?"

"Ever? At all, with anyone? Do you want to have another child?"

Olivia stared at him for a few moments then looked down at her glass. "Yes. Someday, I would like to have one more."

"And how bad could it possibly be if McKenna and her sister or brother shared a mommy and a daddy? If things worked out. But we will never know, Olivia. Not if we don't take the chance."

She sat quest for a few minutes.

"We can take it slow. One or two dates just to see if the spark is still there. Then, if it is, we slowly progress into a romantic relationship."

"What are you saying here, Elliot?"

"I guess I am asking you out on a date."

"You are?" Olivia asked with a shy smile.

"Yes."

"Then, yes. My answer is yes."

Elliot grinned.

"On two conditions," she said looking at him.

"Anything."

"First, we move slowly and take our time and I don't want McKenna or the other kids to know about it at least until we know that we are interested in an actual relationship. I don't see any point in telling her or them if this ends up just being one or two dates."

"I can live with that. And second?"

"Second. Forget everything I just said about having another baby."

"What? Why?"

"Because I don't want this to be about kids and a family. I want it to be about us. And I am only interested in having more kids way down the road anyway. That could be several years from now. We may not even be together by the time I am ready."

Elliot smiled. "Alright. We date, slowly and don't tell the kids until we know for sure what is going on. And I will try not to get you pregnant again."

Olivia laughed. "Smart ass!"

"I agree with you on this one hundred percent."

"You do?"

"Of course. And now that we have written the terms and conditions, I was wondering if you would like to join me for a nice romantic dinner out tomorrow night?"

"I would love to. But what about McKenna? Dates are not as romantic with a five year old at the dinner table."

"I call Maureen or Kathleen in the morning and ask them to baby sit for a few hours. We can tell them it is something for work. Besides I think you could use a little grown up time away."

"Okay, but I am letting you know now that I do not go past second base on a first date."

"Good to know," Elliot said as Olivia smiled at him.

"On that note, I am going to bed."

"I'd probably better get to bed as well. I promised a certain daughter of mine I would help her make pancakes and watch cartoons with her in the morning. And if I know her, sleeping in on Saturday means about eight o'clock."

Olivia smiled. "Night, El."

"Night, Liv."

She watched until he had gone into his room and the door was closed. She smiled as the feeling for first date butterflies began to fill her stomach.

Elliot closed his bedroom door and leaned against it for a minute. He could barely believe that the amazing woman who lived down the hall from him was finally going to give him the chance to make them a real family.