Fanboy And Chum Chum: The Phantom Kidnapper
(A/N: Second up today. They have everything in relative order. So they think. But will it be enough to get through this dinner with their professor? In fact, with Boog out for revenge will they even survive that long?)
Dinner With Flan
"I am not depressed und exhausted," Sigmund protested. Poopatine sighed, rolling his eyes. He was fast getting a headache with all their protests, verbal attacks on each other, and complaining.
"I most certainly do not have low self-esteem and depression! I just… prefer to be alone," Kyle answered.
"Good, zat vill be no trouble for you zen," Sigmund insulted.
"Oh go crawl under a rock! Oh wait, you're already there!" Kyle bit back.
"Inferiority complex," Sigmund sang.
"Oh nuts to you!" Kyle yelled. "It's no wonder with all your over compensating. Stealing my friends, throwing parties the same day as my birthday, lording everything and anything over my head!"
"I vill say it again, inferiority complex," Sigmund retorted.
"Says Sigmund the Depressed, you arrogant jerk!" Kyle barked.
"I am not suffering depression! Exhaustion und stress, maybe, but not depression!" Sigmund shouted. "Zat iz more your sing."
"Hey!" Kyle barked.
Janitor Poopatine screeched to a stop in the dump star and pulled over glaring furiously back at the two. "All right, that's enough! If I hear another peep out of either of you, you'll be walking the rest of the way home!" The two blinked at him then folded their arms, sulking. Still, neither said another word, and Poopatine drove the rest of the way in blessed silence.
FBaCC
"Check the mail, Kyle," Poopatine ordered as they pulled to a stop. Kyle sighed and leapt out, checking the box as Sigmund and Poopatine walked to the door. They were stopped, though, when Kyle screamed. Quickly they whirled, gasping.
"Vhat? Vhat iz it!" Sigmund demanded instantly.
"He's coming tomorrow night!" Kyle exclaimed in panic, shoving the letter in Sigmund's face. Sigmund blinked and grabbed it, reading quickly with Kyle over his shoulder.
"So soon?" Sigmund quietly asked, and Kyle was taken aback by the change in tone.
Kyle looked back at Poopatine uncertainly then said, "I should hardly think we'll be better by then. Perhaps we can postpone?"
"Best to get it over with quickly, boys," Poopatine answered. The two looked back at him reluctantly, then down at the letter.
"Then… you're going to leave, aren't you?" Kyle questioned. Poopatine raised a curious eyebrow at the tone.
Before Poopatine could reply, Sigmund quickly changed the subject, saying, "I zuppose tomorrow ve vill be preparing all day?"
"This musn't disappoint him if we're to have any hope of realizing our ambitions," Kyle confirmed.
"Vunderbar," Sigmund sarcastically said, rolling his eyes and casually tossing the letter back. Poopatine caught it and let the boys precede him inside. He looked at the letter uncertainly then followed. It seemed quite soon, really. Perhaps too soon?
FBaCC
"Quickly, we must prepare this dinner post haste!" Kyle exclaimed, racing around the kitchen and pulling out recipe books the next day.
"Suck up," Sigmund stated.
"His teacher's words exactly," Poopatine replied, un-amused. The two chuckled.
"I shall have you both know this supper means absolutely everything to me!" Kyle exclaimed. "Besides, Sigmund, it may well be your chance to get back into Professor Flan's good graces."
Sigmund started, blinked, then raced to the recipe books, saying, "Appetizer vill be crab cakes und a shrimp cocktail. Drink vill be raspberry cordial in honor of his flavor. Side dishes vill be cream uf broccoli soup und Cesar salad."
"Main dishes!" Kyle exclaimed, racing past and tossing him a main dish book. Sigmund looked questioningly at him. Was he asking an opinion? As if sensing the other's confusion, Kyle hastily explained, "As much as it pains me to admit it, I trust your judgement in this regard implicitly, big brother."
"Danke, little brother," Sigmund replied, flipping swiftly through, smirking in half amusement half victory. "Roast potato vith various spices und a hint of lemon. Chicken cordon bleu vith stuffing."
"Dessert's," Kyle announced, handing him the dessert book.
"Raspberry flan, preferably," Sigmund wryly declared. Kyle burst into sudden and slightly insane laughter, startling Poopatine. Sigmund joined in, then declared as he got a hold of himself, "Chocolate mousse, coffee to vash it down if he vants."
Poopatine shook his head worriedly at the two then wrote down the menu choices and looked over the recipe books, seeing what ingredients were needed and what they had. He sighed, saying distastefully, "The grocery bill will be through the roof. Come along, lads, we're going shopping. His chair sadly beeped and he looked back at it. Taking the mechanical hands it stretched out, he said, "There, there Brenda. We'll be back soon. Don't worry yourself.
"You do not know how veird it iz to be in un intimate relationship vith your chair, do you?" Sigmund questioned, frowning. Poopatine started and glared at the boy, unimpressed. Sigmund backed down instantly.
"Never you mind," Poopatine answered. "Let's go."
FBaCC
"It's your fault he kicked us out of the store and sent us walking home, you know," Kyle bit at Sigmund as the two walked away from the store sulkily.
"My fault? I beg to differ, little brother," Sigmund shot back.
"Everything's your fault! Everything bad that has ever happened to me in my life has been because of you!" Kyle barked.
"I cannot take all of ze credit, constipator," Sigmund insulted.
"So, much for acting like brothers," Kyle said.
"On ze contrary, zis iz very sibling like," Sigmund replied, shrugging.
"Hey brace face!" a voice called suddenly. Kyle screamed, leaping into Sigmund's arms and staring ahead in horror. Sigmund, surprised, looked ahead to see what had caused the reaction.
"Boog!" Kyle exclaimed. Then he noticed who he'd leap into and the two blinked blankly at each other. Eyes narrowing, Sigmund threw him down. He yelped in pain, but something told him whatever Boog had planned would be worse.
"I remember you. You owe me a boppin'," Boog said.
"A vat now?" Sigmund questioned, looking unimpressed. In response, Boog punched his fist in his hand and Sigmund started, catching on instantly. "Kyle, vat did you do?" he demanded, frowning at the younger.
"Insulted him? Putting it mildly," Kyle answered, innocently grinning.
"And now, the dweeb's gonna pay," Boog said. With a battle cry he lunged. Kyle gaped, frozen. Sigmund scowled then raised his hand waving it. Boog ran right into a force field. "What the…" Boog began. Kyle gasped and looked at Sigmund in shock.
"I am unimpressed vith zis invasion on mein claim. Get zis through your head, Herr Boog. Kyle iz mein victim und target. I am not inclined to share annihilating mein little brozher vith you," Sigmund stated. "If anyvun gets to destroy Kyle ze Constipator, it iz me." Sigmund, however, made the mistake of closing his eyes as he finished the sentence, and Boog punched at him!
Sigmund cried out in pain and flew back, sliding across the cement. Kyle gasped. Sigmund shook his head and looked up in shock. Boog was lunging again! Sigmund was too shocked to move! As Boog neared he instinctively closed his eyes and cried out. Kyle gasped and grabbed out his wand, waving it. Sigmund's eyes opened only to see the large fist millimeters from his face. He gasped and looked over at Kyle in shock. "Well I couldn't very well let him get away with that. Remember papa's declaration? We act like brothers until it all blows over, including protecting each other," Kyle explained.
"What's goin' on here?" Boog asked aloud. He turned to Kyle and attacked. Kyle turned and ran. He tripped however, and rolled over only to see Boog about to crush him! Sigmund leapt up and raced towards them, diving and shoving Kyle out of the way.
"Back to ze grocery store!" he ordered, getting off of Kyle and dragging him up. Boog was lunging. The two turned tail and fled. Just then, however, they slammed into someone and fell to the ground. They looked up with gasps and then became relieved.
"Janitor Poopatine!" they both exclaimed, cheering.
"About time you two worked together," Poopatine replied, rolling his eyes. They turned around to watch Boog.
Boog, surprised, slid to a halt exclaiming, "Whoa!" He met the Janitor's eyes. Poopatine's arms were folded, fingers drumming. Boog swallowed then instantly bolted. He did not want to face the janitor at the moment. From what he'd seen and heard of this Poopatine, the guy wasn't one to mess with. Not that he couldn't take him, he just didn't want to.
"Fazher!" Sigmund exclaimed. "Vhen did you get here?"
"Around the same time Boogregard ran at Kyle," Poopatine replied. "Now come along children, dinner awaits." They numbly nodded and followed. As they came up to him he smirked, saying, "I'm proud of you two. You're getting a clue."
"Um, dankeshan?" Sigmung replied, not used to being complimented. Poopatine chuckled and handed some of the grocery bags to the boys.
FBaCC
The trio returned and instantly began cooking the meal. After a few mishaps, arguments, and some playful throwing of ingredients at each other in a bit of a game they'd decided to play in order to break the tense atmosphere, it was all prepared and the three sank back into the couch laughing over their latest game. "Ze kitchen iz ein mess!" Sigmund exclaimed.
"No problem there. We have a janitor as a father," Kyle answered, grinning up at Poopatine.
Poopatine grinned conspiratorially and picked up a wand, zapping the cleaning supplies into animation. "So much easier this way," he explained.
"No ze Sorcerer's Apprentice mishaps?" Sigmund teased.
"Not anymore," Poopatine answered.
"That mess in the school was quite chaotic, wasn't it?" Kyle asked, smiling.
"So boys, is there anything else you need to go over regarding spells and such?" Poopatine questioned.
"Seeing ze way ze cleaning things are responding to your spell, I vould zink you vere an old hand at zis if I did not know any better," Sigmund answered, raising an eyebrow.
"Hopefully it'll be enough to fool the walking tart," Kyle said.
Just then the doorbell rang and Kyle gasped, exclaiming, "He's here!" All his anxiety and nervousness came flooding back.
"Calm down, son, I'll get it," Poopatine declared, ruffling the boy's hair. "Just sit there with your brother and wait."
"Y-yes sir," Kyle agreed, meekly nodding and twiddling his thumbs uncertainly.
"Nevair going to vork, Kyle," Sigmund sang.
"Oh shut it," Kyle replied, sitting down on the couch next to Sigmund, too preoccupied to argue.
FBaCC
Poopatine opened the door only to have the Professor, whose eyes were shut, saying, "What little tricks do you have in mind to impress me now young Kyle? I suppose your father and brother left unexpectedly."
"Professor Flan," Poopatine said loudly, eyes narrowing. Nope, he still didn't like the man.
Professor Flan gasped as his eyes flew open, and he stared at Janitor Poopatine in shocked disbelief. "Oh M-Mr. Bloodworth-Thomason! H-how do you do?" he stammered, too taken aback to form a confident and coherent sentence.
"Quite well, thank you. May I show you to the den? My boys are very anxious to see you; Kyle in particular. I expect you have an apology ready to deliver," Poopatine declared, putting an arm around the man and leading him swiftly towards the den before the other could regain his confidence. He wasn't about to lose the control he held in this predicament to the snobbery of Milkweed. They entered the living room, Poopatine saying, "Sigmund, Kyle, Professor Flan is here."
"Professor Flan!" Kyle exclaimed, leaping up nervously. "Welcome to my, I mean our, house. Uh, a-are you staying for dinner?"
"I believe I told you that already, young Bloodworth-Thomason," Professor Flan declared.
"Oh, yes, of course, my mistake," Kyle stammered.
"Vun of your many," Sigmund stated. Kyle nudged him hard. Sigmund scowled and looked ready to attack when Poopatine cleared his throat loudly, putting a stop to it.
"Please, have a seat," Poopatine suggested, gesturing to an easy chair.
"I shall, thank you," Flan replied, sitting. Kyle meekly sat, looking fearful and nervous. Poopatine shook his head with a sigh and sat next to Kyle and Sigmund, placing himself between the children and the professor as a strategic buffer zone; if only to ease the boys' worries.
FBaCC
"So, if I recall correctly you wanted to meet with the family," Poopatine said.
"Why yes. Um, is the misses at home?" Flan questioned.
"Sadly, their mother is no longer with us," Poopatine stated.
"Oh? Well that I never knew," Flan said.
"It vasn't any uf your business," Sigmund said coldly.
"What was that Master Sigmund?" Flan questioned
"Never mind the boy. He still gets upset when she's mentioned," Poopatine declared. "As do I. If we could just steer clear of her?"
"My apologizes Mr, what was it again?" Flan pressed.
"Russ Poopatine Bloodworth-Thomason," Janitor Poopatine replied.
"Ah, how interesting," Flan said. "So, what do you do for a living Mr. Poopatine? You don't mind if I use your middle name?"
"Not at all. I'm a janitor," Poopatine replied.
"Uh, of, um, Dumbledorf, uh, Thorin?" Kyle stammered.
"Vat he means iz he iz ze gatekeeper and caretaker of ze prestigious Thistlebrook Academy!" Sigmund said, covering with a more believable story and a fancier sounding career.
"No, just the janitor of an everyday school," Poopatine said. "Not an impressive career, I must admit, but it enables me to be close to my children in order to catch up on some long missed father son's time."
"Long missed?" Flan pressed.
"That is something that we prefer not to speak of, Professor Flan," Poopatine declared firmly.
"I see. Mr. Bloodworth-Thomason, I would like us to be completely honest with each other," Flan declared.
"Would you now? Well then, Professor Flan, what are your mystical accomplishments? Credentials, quests, etc. You must understand I only want the best for my children," Poopatine declared.
Flan cleared his throat then stated, "That is classified, sir."
"Then you can be assured I have my own 'classified' areas," Poopatine firmly said. There was no room for argument.
"Oh look at the time! Dinner! Shall we enter the dining room then?" Kyle nervously asked, grinning.
"Yes, why don't we?" Professor Flan asked.
"The cleaning supplies," Sigmund hissed. Kyle gasped. Poopatine winked at them, however, and they knew he had it covered.
Flan headed towards the dining room. Poopatine went to follow, but Kyle grabbed his arm, hissing, "Janitor?"
"I hate to agree vith Kyle, but in zis case I make un exception," Sigmund agreed.
"Trust my judgement boys. I know how to handle this. He wants a mage, he'll get a mage. You've taught me enough for that," Poopatine said.
"We haven't taught you anything!" Kyle exclaimed.
"Patience, children, you won't get anywhere with your professor by lying," Poopatine assured.
"Who says?" Kyle asked.
"Me," Poopatine answered. "Come along now, my sons, we have your teacher to impress."
FBaCC
They sat at the table, Professor Flan on one end, Poopatine on the other, Kyle on the side in the middle, and Sigmund opposite him. "Where is the food?" Flan questioned.
"The food!" Kyle exclaimed, shooting up.
"It's coming," Poopatine answered, waving his wand in the air. All at once a group of dishes floated out of the kitchen and assembled on the table in front of them. Kyle, shaking, sat back down. He wasn't on his own here. He needed to calm down. This wouldn't be another disaster like the dinner he'd had with Sigmund. Thank the fates for Fanboy and Chum Chum. Of course it hadn't worked out anyway, but still.
"Oh my. You know magic. A mage, are you?" Flan questioned.
"Yes, in fact," Poopatine answered, snapping his fingers and calling the lids to come off of the dishes.
"My word it looks delicious," Flan exclaimed.
"I vould hope so. Ve three worked on it far hours," Sigmund stated as he and Kyle smiled proudly at Janitor Poopatine then each other. Poopatine chuckled softly and took a sip of his drink, smiling back at them.
"Well it's certainly better than last time," Flan declared.
"This time I had dad and Sigmund's help," Kyle proudly said.
"Well I must say, so far I've been impressed," Flan declared. "But I wonder, boys, if you can keep up this charade for much longer?"
"Charade?" Kyle and Sigmund squeaked. Was he onto them?
"You, Kyle, are a trouble maker; Sigmund, you too proud for your own good. Any moment now I expect something to go wrong. Frankly, I don't trust you two," Flan declared.
"But sir…" Kyle began to protest.
"That's enough! I haven't seen enough to convince me," Flan stated.
"But, but…" Sigmund stammered.
"Boys, allow me," Poopatine said. "Professor Flan, I'm unimpressed with your treatment of my children. While I'm present at that," he began, holding his hand towards the professor and clenching his fist. Flan gasped for air and pried at the invisible grasp on his throat as Poopatine lifted him into the air. "Kyle isn't responsible for his friends' actions, Sigmund is simply having a hard time with his mother's death and the extra responsibilities he took on in order to try and fill in for her. But really he needn't worry. I am more than capable to provide for us all, son. I never asked for your backup." Sigmund looked quietly down and Poopatine continued, "If I were him I would act out too. I will not have you insulting my sons, are we clear?"
"Crystal," Flan choked as the grip tightened.
"Good," Poopatine said, putting the man back down. "Their father is here now, the brothers reunited. They are not fending for themselves anymore, they are not on their own, and I will not have you playing dirty in my home. Behave yourself when you're on our turf."
"My apologies," Professor Flan replied, rubbing his throat. "It was out of my limits. I suppose I can review your youngest son's application, but there are a few more steps to get through before I can let him back in. Procedure you must understand."
"Oh vunderbar, I vill be in ze same school as my little brozher. Again," Sigmund sarcastically said, rolling his eyes and taking a bite of the food.
"Maybe, maybe not. Frankly I believe you two would do better at this school you're in now," Flan answered. The boys exchanged glances, not sure if it was an insult or not. Poopatine wasn't reacting, though, so they let it slide. The group finished off dinner relatively uneventfully.
