Chapter 11
"How long do you plan to stay alone, Sarah?" Elijah whispered from across my bed. We both sat up, facing each other. It was around noon time and everyone in the apartment had gone off to work. My job was to take care of Hannah while the others were gone.
"What?" Elijah's question caught me very off guard. It was the first time either of us had spoken in about an hour. The rest of the time was spent sitting in silence, wanting to speak but having nothing to say. "What do you mean?"
"You can't stay alone forever, Sarah. How long do you plan on being alone?" he mumbled. Elijah pulled up the thin blankets over my bed and climbed in, exhausted. What was he talking about? Why was he asking me this?
"I can't put a time limit to my affection, Elijah." I watched as he sighed and pulled the covers over his face. It wasn't long until I heard him softly crying. How did he have any tears left in his body to cry? Crying was the only thing we had done for months, all day and all night.
"I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, Sarah. I want him back!" I pulled over the other half of the blankets and climbed in next to Elijah, hugging him tightly. His growing beard felt prickly on my face.
It felt so strange for a moment, lying with Elijah and hearing his cries. He was right. How long would I let myself get deeper and deeper into my pit of despair? Andreas would have hated to me to live like this. It's a waste of a life, living in grief. Too many things that I should be grateful has happened to me. I met Andreas, I met Llana, I was sent to Oskar Schindler's camp instead of Auschwitz, Hannah hadn't died from her illness, I was reunited with mama and papa, we were liberated from the camp. I needed to honor the fact that I was alive and so was my family, well most of them. I needed to remember all those wonderful memories I had made with Andreas and not let them ever go.
I tightened my hold on the necklace Andreas had given me. It was warm and smooth in my fist. I felt my pulse beat hard in my palm as I squeezed the precious necklace.
My time of living in pain was now over. And it was for Elijah too.
"Elijah, get up. It's time." I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about. He looked at me in confusion. "Our time is over. We need to start living again. It's what they would have wanted us to do." I twisted the necklace still in my hand.
Elijah sat up. "Sarah, I don't think I can." His eyes were red and tired looking. I knew for sure then that I couldn't let Elijah, or myself even, grow old this way. I had to be the one person Elijah had left to force him to live again.
"Oh yes you can. We both are. We can do this, Elijah. As long as we have this, this bond we have created, we can do it." I could tell that he wasn't convinced enough. "Please Elijah, for me?"
He let his head drop to his chest. He knew that he couldn't resist not doing something for me that was so important. Slowly, he lifted his hand to his eyes and wiped away his last tear. I smiled. I loved him so much right then. I knew that he wasn't just wiping away his tears from his face, he was wiping away all grief etched into it as well. He stiffly got up and took my hand in his. They were cold and limp in mine.
"First, we have to clean up. Go to the bathroom and take a shower then I'll cut your hair and beard." I followed him with my eyes as he dragged himself to the bathroom and closed the door. I tip toed my way to the small window that faced opposite of my bed. The sun was shining in, warm and bright. It made me think so much of the night Andreas and I celebrated his nineteenth birthday. It was a hot, summer day, just like today. The sun felt the same. It smelt the same.
"Please, Andreas" I whispered to myself, leaning against the window frame for support. "Please, tell me that I'm doing the right thing." I needed a tiny sign from him, just to know that I was doing the right thing. "I'll always love you, you know. I will never, ever forget you."
"Where are the scissors?" Elijah startled me, causing me to jump slightly. He stood in the middle of the door frame, dressed in white cotton shorts and a gray undershirt. His long, brown hair, shagged over his eyes and dripped with water. I smiled and laughed quietly.
"Right here." I held up the scissors I had grabbed a few minutes ago. "You look better already" I said, walking over to him and throwing my arms around his waist. I felt him hold me gently and rest his head on my shoulder.
"Do you think this will work?" His question sounded uncertain and nervous. I patted his back.
"Of course. I promise you."
After and hour, our transformations were complete. I had given Elijah a much needed hair cut and shaved off his beard. The boyish, very handsome look was visible again. He looked so much more healthier than before. His light, brown eyes shone bright again. His skin was clean and smooth. His hair was shorter than before by only a few inches. It was amazing what a simple shower and hair cut could do to a person. And even though he still acted the same inside, I knew that his new appearance will help will the healing process.
I decided to let Elijah cut my hair also. It was long, almost down to the small of my back. We both agreed that having it cut to my shoulders and allowing it to grow back healthier was the best thing to do. I watched as golden locks of my hair fell to the ground around me. It almost made me want to cry. I had never cut my hair this short before and it felt weird to be doing now. My hair was apart of me. It was one of my trade marks. Everyone who knew me always remembered my long, blonde hair too.
"What do you think?" Elijah held up a small mirror in front of my face. A small smile formed on his lips. It was the first time in a very long time since I saw him smile. The girl in the mirror stared back at me with tears in her eyes. Her hair was now just below her chin at a very adult length. It was much curlier than before due to it being so much shorter. The golden curls surrounded her face and gave it more shape. It was different but she liked it and so did Elijah. It gave her a totally new appearance and face. She loved it and loved the fact that it allowed her start over completely, beginning with a new hair cut.
Baby steps, I thought. This hole in my heart wasn't going to heal in one afternoon. We needed time to start over and rebuild our lives.
"I love it, Elijah. You did a great job." I turned my head towards him who stood behind me, still holding the mirror. "Thank you" I whispered. Elijah smiled sweetly and kissed my forehead.
"I'll check on Hannah. She's probably still playing at the house next door, but I'll just make sure everything is okay." Elijah helped me take off the sheet that lay on top on me and rolled it up. "I'll be right back" he said, opening the door and running across the road to the house next to us. Elijah was an extraordinary man. The one thing that hadn't changed since the death of Lev was how much he cared for Hannah. He was just like Nathan, always looking out for Hannah and worrying about her safety. It made me more relaxed knowing that Hannah had an entire houseful of people that would do anything for her.
I sat back down in the old, wooden chair I was just in and rested me head on the back frame. Everything was going to be alright, I told myself.
"Sarah!" Mama threw her coat on the floor and came running towards me with Hannah trailing close behind her. Both had surprised looks on their faces. "Sarah, you cut your hair! It's all gone!" Mama ran her fingers threw it gently and looked at me. Papa waited in the corner of the kitchen, putting away the groceries. Still, so quiet ever since I found out about Andreas death.
"I thought, well we thought, that it might be best for us to start over fresh." I grabbed Elijah's hand in mine and looked at him for help. He smiled and turned to mama and papa.
"I think that we have had enough of living this way. We need to stop living in the past." He looked slightly uncomfortable as he spoke. His eyes darted from me, to mama, to the floor and then back to me.
"I think you look beautiful. Both of you." Mama kissed my cheek and Elijah's. I think that she was almost as happy we were living again as we were.
"Papa?" I called my father's name from across the room. "Papa, do like it?" Just one full sentence from him would have been fine. I missed his voice and his laugh.
"Nice" he said coldly. I felt my throat swell. What had I done to papa to make him so neglectful towards me? He stood, staring at me, through me, like I wasn't even there. He wasn't angry with me, he was hurt. I needed to know why.
I asked mama and Elijah if they could leave for a while so I could talk to papa alone. Grabbing papa's hand and sitting him down at the kitchen table, I let out my question. "Papa, did I do something wrong?" He stared at me with sad eyes. His hands were folded on top of the table we sat at. I reached out and touched them.
"No, my daughter. I did." Papa reached out his hand and cupped my cheek in his palm. There was something that he wasn't telling me and that was eating him up inside.
"Papa, just tell me." I swallowed hard and listened to my papa's voice echo throughout the room.
He breathed in deeply and lowered his head. "I knew about Andreas' death before you did, Sarah." Words could not explain how confused I was at that moment. What did he mean he knew about Andreas' death before I did?
"But his family came to tell us in person-"
"There was a letter that came not long after the one from Andreas got to you. It was from the family themselves. It was addressed to you and I opened it, read it and hid it from you." He looked down at the table, ashamed of himself.
Anger rose up in me. "Why would you do that? You let me think that he was alive for months without telling me! You allowed me to sit, day after day, week after week, outside the DP camp and wait for someone who was already dead?!" I stood up, my chair falling backwards behind me. Papa got up too.
"Now listen to me, Sarah. We had just been liberated from a forced labor camp and you were already getting mail from around the world. I worried it was something bad, an arrest notice, a death notice for you…I was scared for my daughter."
"It was a death notice for me papa!" My words cut threw me. Papa ran his fingers threw his hair in frustration. Never before had I been so upset at my own papa before. "And after you read it and realized what it really was?" My blood boiled in my veins.
"I didn't want to take away the only hope you had left in your life. I would've died than have you plunged back into the darkness from something as simple as a letter. It was stupid, Sarah, I realize that. But I am your father and I was only trying to protect you from more pain. You've been through too much. We all have." The tension was poisonous. "I feel terrible and when the family came, I knew that I couldn't keep you away from the news any longer."
Papa knew Andreas was dead long before I did. He kept it a secret from me. He loved me too much to be the one to tell me the worst news of my life. Was I supposed to be angry at him? How could I be when all he was trying to do was protect his daughter's feelings? My heart rate slowed down in my chest and my blood simmered down. Papa burst out into tears. Why was he so upset about this? What was the real reason for his grief?
"Papa" I said quietly, stepping closer to him. He sat down at the table again and cried into his hands. "Papa, why are you so upset? I'm sorry I got mad at you, and I understand why you kept the news a secret from me. Please papa, stop crying." My papa lifted his face from his cupped hands and looked at me. The creases in his tired face were filled with tears.
"It should've been us, Sarah. It should've been us, not them." He repeated this several times, each time more mournful as the next.
"What are you talking about, papa?"
"Nathan and Llana, my child. If we hadn't let them talk us into going first, they would still be alive. They would be here together, not us." His voice cracked and choked on his words. My papa was choking on his own words.
I opened up my arms and wrapped them around my papa. He was trembling, saying over and over again how much he regretted going first. He felt so guilty. So did I then. Not once while I was holding my papa did I tell him that it wasn't his fault Nathan and Llana were dead. I didn't blame my papa for surviving at all. It was what Nathan and Llana planned and wanted. But I didn't tell him what I knew papa wanted to hear deep down in his heart. I couldn't for some reason, and for that, I wanted to die. What kind of a daughter doesn't tell their own papa they were glad that he was alive? Was I really that terrible? I was just so upset that Nathan had died. I would never be able to talk to him again. Never again would I be able to share my deepest regrets and secrets with him. Never again would we be able to argue. And Llana, a girl who risked her own life just to save mine. She would never grow old with Nathan.
But I loved my parents so much. I couldn't express the feeling of relief and joy I felt that day we were reunited with each other back in Oskar Schindler's office. I needed them. I loved them. And, I had them. So many other kids my age lost their parents. I still had mine. I still had mine.
The second time I thought about death had just occurred.
Hello, again! Well school is finally over and I'm so excited to have all this free time to concentrate more on writing!! This chapter focused mainly on Sarah and Elijah's dealing with both of their lover's death. I felt that i needed to dedicate an entire chapter on their feelings to try to get by how much pain they were really in. I hope it worked! Well, i have something planned for the next few chapters and can't wait to type them up! Thank you for the suggestions i got. They will definatly be taken into consideration for the future of this story. Have the best week and an awesome start to the summer everyone!!
TwilightGirl14
