A/N: Again, thank you for all your reviews^^ ( DrawnMemory: you're awesome! savioysf, yeah, you're back! I kind of missed you!)
I promised to update soon and here we go. (Actually I finished this chapter days ago and though I've already updated it. Obviously, I was wrong.*headdeck*)
And sorry about the cliff. (Bazinga, I'm not! :-P)
so enjoy :-)
Why I am alive
11:
Shepard screamed when he heard Kaidan scream.
The sound of Kaidan's agony ringed in his ears and his heart jumped so hart it hurt. He gasped but no air filled his lunge. He blinked but no light could be seen. He cried out but no sound escaped his throat and when he tried to struggle, he couldn't move his limps.
"Kaidan!" he tried again and something cold touched his arm. He moved again and Karin Chakwas's face filled his vision. She seemed rather calm though Kaidan just screamed the hell off his chest. Shepard needed a few seconds to realize that he was in the Normandy's med-bay.
He groaned.
"I was worried for a minute, Commander." Dr Chakwas said with a slightly amused tone. "How do you feel?"
"Where is Kaidan?" Shepard gasped again.
"The Major is fine," the doctor nodded towards the door. "He's right there."
Kaidan was leaning against the wall next to the door, panting heavily. He had closed his eyes and his bare and sweaty chest rose and fell with every breath he took. For a moment, Shepard was mesmerized by the movements of Kaidan's skin, but then he realized what he was looking at.
James Vega was holding Kaidan.
He was holding Kaidan!
For a few second, Shepard couldn't think straight. In his head, he wasn't seeing James supporting Kaidan, but James kissing Kaidan, making him moan. His eyes widened without his notice and the images of James sucking Kaidan's cock burned into his brain.
He shook his head and the vision became real again. He must have made a sound because Kaidan's eyes flew open and found his. For that instant, James and Chakwas were forgotten. He could only gaze into Kaidan's brown eyes and be grateful that his boyfriend was alive and unharmed and smiling at him.
Kaidan's brow twitched slightly and when the major pressed his eyes shut, the spell broke. James had just ruined everything by pinching an injection into Kaidan's triceps, making Kadian's moan.
"Chicken!" James said with a small slap on Kaidan's arm, while Shepard shivered with the pleasure of the previous sound.
"Refrain that, Lieutenant!" Chakwas warned and James flushed.
"Yes, ma'am." The marine nodded childishly. "Oh, look who's back to life. You're okay, Loco?"
"How long was I out?" Shepard groaned again, feeling a small sting in his chest.
"Not long, I just finished your tretment," The doctor answered his question. "You have one cracked rip, but nothing major."
"Okay, what happened?"
"The fall knocked you out." Kaidan approached him slowly, still rubbing his upper arm. He looked so good Shepard wanted to pull him into bed and do him right there. But he only swallowed and continued to listen to Kaidan's report. "Tali and I carried you back."
"And you, Kaidan? How are you doing?"
"Only a dislocated shoulder and a strained ankle." Kaidan waved it off. "Nothing serious."
"Okay," Shepard nodded and watched all three surrounding his bed, looking much anticipated. "What?"
"Commander," Kaidan started. Shepard hated when Kaidan called him that. He didn't hate it before, but before, Kaidan wasn't his boyfriend. "We have a Geth on our ship."
"So Legion made it," Shepard nodded, not paying much attention. His thoughts are far far away, back to the Geth dreadnought. But not with legion. "Doctor, James, if you don't mind, I want to talk to Kaidan in private."
"Sure, Commander." James turned and left.
Chakwas though gave him a longer look, but then nodded too. Shepard was relieved that they went without discussion. He really wasn't in the mood to tell them who was in charge on this ship. Once the door closed behind the Doctor, Shepard didn't waste time to grab Kaidan's hand.
"You gave me a good scare!" He pressed Kaidan's hand on his face and his lips wandered over the fingers. He could still smell medi-gel on it and it only reminded him more of why Kaidan's needed it.
"It's just my shoulder, Shepard." Kaidan didn't pull his hand away, but still Shepard noticed his reluctance. "I've had worse injuries."
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" He gave Kaidan's hand a last kiss and then raised his face to look at Kaidan's. Though Shepard wanted to tell Kaidan how beautiful he was he couldn't find the right words. He wasn't a poet; no words he knew could ever be enough to describe this man's beauty.
"Nothing!" Kaidan said rather harsh and pulled his hand away. He rubbed it on his pants as if Shepard's touch was filthy and glanced to the transparent window quickly. "Let's not do this here, okay?"
"There you go again!" Shepard swallowed his anger and pushed away from his bed. His legs felt shaky, but soon he regained his balance. "Last time you said this, you broke up with me!"
"You worry too much!"
"That's what I should say about you!" Shepard hissed. "What the hell was that on the dreadnought?"
"I saved your live, you ungrateful bastard!" Kaidan insulted with a playful chuckle. "Not saying that you're getting old, but that Geth Prime nearly got you!"
"I mean when Tali said that she knows about us! You denied!" Shepard caught his arm again but didn't know why he did it. Maybe he was afraid Kaidan might get tired of him and leave him. Or maybe he wanted to show Kaidan that he was being absolutely serious. "Do you even want to be with me?"
"Of course I want!" Kaidan snapped back, his voice desperate and husky. "I mean, I just don't want everybody to know it!"
"Why not, Kaidan?" Kaidan's arm was warm in his hand but the stare he received was cold. "You love me, right? So why do you want to hide this?"
When Kaidan didn't answer, a thought crossed Shepard's mind. "Wait! Did you do this because… because I'm your superior officer? Look, you really shouldn't feel this way, you outrank me!"
"Would you please leave our ranks out of this?" Kaidan snapped his hand back. "And I can assure you, it's not because you're my Commander. You should know me better than this."
"So what is it?"
"I'm afraid of the gossip." Kadidan hung his head and admitted finally. Of all reasons, Shepard certainly didn't expect this one. The proud Kaidan Alenko, who always stood up for what he believed in, was afraid of gossip.
"That's bullshit!" Shepard snorted. He hated gossip too. During his time with Cerberus, he had a lot of time searching on the extranet. Not everything he found there was pleasant and yes, there were a lot of rumours about him and nearly every one of his crew. Kaidan strangely wasn't among them. "What are you afraid of? Let them talk! I don't care!"
"Maybe I do!" Kaidan replied. "I'm a teacher now and I really don't want anybody saying that I'm screwing my Commander."
"But you are screwing with your commander."
"It's still a serious breach of protocol, and it's…" he paused a little. "Wrong."
"We are at war, Kaidan! If a little breach of protocal's gonna help me win this thing, I want this!"
"Do you ever listen to yourself?" Kaidan took a step back, gazing at him with defiance. Shepard couldn't say how much he liked this look and how sexy Kaidan was when he showed some balls. So he only grinned and Kaidan's frowned.
"Sure, I hear my voice in the vids!" he grin went wider.
"God, you're the worst boyfriend I've ever had!" Kaidan moaned.
"Say it again!"
"It's always about what you want, Shepard! Have you ever thought about how I feel? You can't just rush into battle and got yourself one injury after the other!"
"What are you talking about?" Shepard asked, deeply confused. He thought they were discussing their relationship, why was Kaidan freaking out all the sudden? But with Kaidan's face flushed before him and something like hurt in his eyes, Shepard couldn't help but close his boyfriend in an embrace. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not hurt. I'll keep you save."
"Dammit, Shepard!" Kaidan shoved his hands away and shook his head. "You need to stop protecting me, John."
"What else should I do?"
"Do your job!" Kaidan said. "Watch my six and let me do mine! You panicked and nearly compromised the mission when I got injured. It mustn't happen again. Shepard, we can't let our relationship get in the way!"
"I won't, I promise!" Shepard said hastily. Though he was offended and hurt in certain ways that it was always work for Kaidan, he still understood the major's point. When he thought about it right now, he did put himself in a very dangerous situation.
"And I don't want our relationship become common knowledge," Kaidan added. "Can you respect that?"
"I don't know how," Shepard admitted. "Garrus and Liara already know. Tali obviously too. And I have no doubt that Joker and EDI are aware either, so tell me how should we hide it?"
"I can live with that," Kaidan nodded. "But maybe don't mention this to the reporter you contaminated your ship with. And avoid familiar behaviour in public?"
"What, I can't even kiss you in the mess?"
"Commander!"
"Sweetheart!"
Kaidan made a despaired sound which could have been a chuckle. "It's okay if our friends know, but really, no need to bawl."
"I can't hide this forever, Kaidan," Shepard whispered with a trace of sadness. Though he'd never imagined his life after the war, he knew that not being able to kiss Kaidan when he wanted would be difficult. He was already feeling the fatigue of deception after a few days, how was he supposed to live his life with it?
"We don't have to," Kaidan's hands found his. It was an instinctive gesture and Shepard smiled mentally that he himself was now in a pose he had watched so often with envy. "Shepard, once the war is over, we can go through some official channels. There are ways for us to stay together, I'm sure of it. Until then, please don't compromise our relation."
"This is not a breaking up, right? You're not telling me you want to wait until the war ends, right? Because I can't wait that long!"
"Fool, of course not!" Kaidan smiled. "I can't wait that long either, I'm merely asking you to be… subtle."
"I'll try." Shepard grinned and pulled Kaidan into his arms. Once Kaidan's skin touched his, he couldn't restraint himself anymore. His lips met Kaidan's and their hot tongues tangled in each other. His hands moved over Kaidan's body and ended at the small of his back. He pressed his chest against Kaidan's and immediately he felt the pain in his rip.
But Shepard ignored it. The taste of Kaidan on his lips was too sweet for him to stop now. He closed his eyes and let Kaidan's embrace calm his mind. The previous argument was forgotten and all Shepard thought about right now was where he should fuck Kaidan here without being seen.
"Mhm…" Kaidan moaned. "Is this your way of being subtle?"
"Sorry," Shepard coughed slightly and parted away. Kaidan was asking a lot of him, but what a boyfriend would he be if he didn't give Kaidan everything he wanted. "You're hard to step away from."
"That's my line!" Kaidan chuckled and pressed a smaller kiss on his lip. "I love you, Shepard."
"I though I'm the worst boyfriend you ever had."
"I say stupid things when I'm angry," Kadian whispered and leaned his head on Shepard's shoulder. "I'm sorry. But you're not easy to deal with."
"So we're good?"
"Sure," Kaidan nodded and pushed him gently towards his bed. Sometimes Shepard wondered if Kaidan's knew how often he sent wrong signals. At the same time, he was proud of himself that he could notice it by now if Kaidan meant it or not.
"You should get some rest, Shepard. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. You know, explaining why we have a Geth on board."
"Yeah, I guess so," Shepard exhaled deeply while Kaidan pulled the blanked over him. Though he'd like to spend the night with this gorgeous man, he knew that rest was what he really needed. "This war is going to be harder than I thought…."
"You can count on that, Commander."
Have I ever mentioned that I love the renegade Shepard? He's not easy to write but hell, he can say the most inappropriate things without me having a bad conscience!^^
But from now on, the story is heading for a darker mood. Because no matter how much I want to make this hilarious, war isn't funny and I think Shepard and Kaidan both know it. (I still don't know if this story counts as humor. _)
Thank you for reading and I love you all. (And this f***ing awesome fandom!)
HeavenOnFire. :-D
