Chapter 11
Jace wasn't sure why he was bringing Clary here. But the look on the redhead's face as she asked him about Samara had brought up a sudden urge to hold her close, to wipe the sadness straight off of her small, freckled face. Instead, he decided that it was time Clary, whose presence reminded him so insistently of Samara's, saw the little lake in the park where Samara and him and passed away countless days.
It had taken more than an hour to get there from the university, Clary patiently hopping from subway to subway with him and then finally walking the last mile to the park, even though the cold of December was turning her cheeks pink. She was wearing a heavy coat that seemed to swallow her small frame entirely, and Jace had to stop himself from putting a protective arm around her tiny self. She surprised him by keeping almost entirely silent on the way there, only occasionally making comments about their surroundings.
By the time they had reached the lake, the sun had begun its descent behind the horizon, casting a warm golden glow on the surface of the almost frozen water. They were accompanied by the presence of a few birds, but otherwise the park was silent. This wasn't too surprising; the trip to the lake was a bit too long to be a convenient stroll for most New Yorkers, and almost all of the time Jace and Samara had spent here had been alone, save for the few other families that would sometimes attend the park with their kids. Jace looked down at Clary with a slight smile as she spun, taking in the lake and the park and the serene beauty of it all.
Jace felt a pang at his heart. She was so much like Samara at times; Samara would spend countless hours staring out into the water, leaving Jace to wonder what could have entranced her so completely. Clary had that same look in her eyes, as if she was lost somewhere in the middle of that water, and Jace had to avert his own before he could let it get to him.
"So, want to tell me why you brought me here now?" Clary asked, her voice bringing his gaze back to where she was standing, arms behind her back and her figure silhouetted by the setting sun.
"This, my little one, is the park where me and Samara used to come to all the time. This is also the place that me and Samara were on our way to when…the accident happened," Jace said, though it took all of the effort in him to say those last few words.
It had been his idea. It had been his stupid, silly, childish idea to invite Samara to come to the lake with him, on the snowiest day of winter, to look across the frozen lake so late at night. And being Samara, who loved adventures and nature and all things wondrous, she had agreed.
Jace had to take a deep breath before he continued. "It was my fault in some ways that she died, since I had been the one to call her to this lake that night. And you don't know how much guilt I've had this past decade, Clary," he looked at her desperately, catching her bright eyes with his, "It would eat away at any happiness I had. I started to believe that I was being punished in some way, that I did something wrong and did not deserve to have something as beautiful as Samara in my life. And I started to believe that to love was to destroy. Because the only thing that my love had gotten me was a world of pain."
He heard Clary give a small gasp, but trudged on. He had to get his point across to her. He needed to. "It took a long time before I would even talk to anybody, let alone start where I had left off with college. But even then, when I tried to live my life as normally as I could, I still felt that same, horrible, ache that I had somehow managed to lose the thing that meant the most to me in this world. Even now, I still don't believe I'm capable of loving anymore."
"And lately, I've been able to get past all that. I've begun to laugh a little. And it really might be due to a certain redhead that I know…" Jace gave her a small smirk. Even in the darkness of sunset, he could see the pink deepen across her cold cheeks. He turned towards the water before his heart rate could stutter. "I'm not saying I don't think it was my fault. Sometimes I still do. But…I'm learning. I've stopped reliving it to the point where I was suffocating. And that's all I really want for you too."
There were a few moments of silence. The sun had disappeared now, leaving only traces of it's existence with splashes of pink in the sky. Jace didn't remember the last time he had felt so light. It was so easy to say these things to Clary, no matter how unpleasant. It was so easy to show her the pain he had felt, and how that pain had slowly begun to fade.
"I guess I was being kind of a hypocrite back there, telling you to let go of your guilt when I still feel so much of my own," he said, as he chuckled to himself for being a classic example of do as I say, not as I do.
He felt Clary's small hand on his back, and turned to her in surprise. This was the first time she had ever initiated contact with him, and he couldn't help but crave more. She was looking at him with those bright green eyes and for a second, a brief second he wanted to draw her close and let all of his feelings go.
You're doing it again, Jace. Stop being a creep.
"I guess we're both pretty messed up huh?" Clary said with a nervous giggle, though she didn't remove her hand from his back. Something sparked inside of him, and he reached over to take the small hand off of his back and into his own, much larger hand. The warmth from her fingers passed through to his, sending a mixture of heat and electricity up through his arm and into his chest. Why did her touch do that so well?
It was a second before Jace noticed that Clary had become stiff, her eyes open and wide. His brows furrowed in worry. Had he done something wrong?
"Clary? What's up, are you okay?" he asked, placing the hand that was not holding hers onto her shoulder. She said nothing. She just stared aimlessly past Jace into the water.
By this point Jace had released his grip on her hand and caught hold of her other shoulder, turning her so that she was directly facing him. She blinked a few times before she was no longer staring into space, but looking back at him.
"Clary, are you alright?" he asked again, desperately.
She nodded, slowly, deliberately. "I'm fine."
Damn it. Why had he felt the need to grab her like that? Of course he had freaked her out. Who wouldn't be? He immediately let go of his hold on her shoulders and took a couple steps back, instantly missing the warmth she had given him.
Jace watched her face silently, with slight regret before she started speaking again.
"I should go, Jace. My mom is probably worried about me." She didn't meet his eyes as she began to turn away.
"Clary, wait. It's dark out, do you want me to walk you home? At least to the subway?" He asked, swallowing his embarrassment. He didn't want anything happening to her on the way back.
She shook her head. "Actually I was just going to take a cab back. I don't want to deal with all the subway hopping. I'll see you at school next week, though." And with that she hurried away from him and the lake, towards the distant hum of traffic.
In the midst of berating himself for his stupidity, Jace noticed that it was almost completely dark now. How long had they even been here? It couldn't have been more than a few moments, but a look at his watch told him it had been at least two hours since they had left the classroom.
"Jace?" He heard her soft voice float to him from behind. Clary had walked back towards him and when he looked back at her, he was surprised to see that she had a small smile on her face.
"Thank you," she said, before leaving again the way she had come.
Jace couldn't stop a small smile of his own from forming on his mouth. Maybe he hadn't entirely creeped her out after all.
After a couple quiet, peaceful seconds, someone cleared their voice behind him, causing Jace to start.
Alec walked towards him, hands in pockets with an unreadable expression across his face. Even in the dark, Jace could tell that Alec had seen Clary. How much he had seen, he didn't know.
"Alec. I didn't know you had taken to stalking me." Jace tried to keep his voice as even and light as possible.
Alec looked at him momentarily before responding. "I was actually just on my way to your apartment and thought I would come by here, for old times' sake. Especially because today is, you know…" Alec let his sentence drop. They both knew what he was trying to say.
Alec walked forward so that he was standing side by side with Jace and looked out over the dark water. "You never come here, Jace. I didn't at all expect you to be here when I walked by. And who was that girl…?"
Jace sighed. "I'll explain later Alec. Here, let's get ourselves to a bar, shall we?"
After they each had a beer in their hands and had taken off their jackets, Alec approached the subject again.
"So, you want to tell me what that was about?" Alec raised a dark eyebrow in what looked like a mixture of curiosity and exasperation. Jace sighed. There was no way he was getting out of this without an explanation. Unfortunately, he didn't even have an explanation for himself.
"What Clary? I was just talking to her about something." Jace shrugged, not looking at Alec.
"Clary…Sounds familiar." Alec's brows furrowed.
"She's Iz's friend. You may have seen her around before."
"Ah right. I have seen her before. They used to have playdates at the house all the time when they were little. That doesn't really answer my question though Jace," Alec said, looking at him pointedly.
"She was upset today, Alec. Her dad and brother had died ten years ago tonight. Same day as Samara. I wanted to comfort her in any way I could," Jace answered, hoping that his face did not say anything otherwise.
"Right. Because you're her teacher?" Alec asked with amusement.
Jace nodded. "I have a duty to my students Alec."
Alec bellowed, drawing the attention of every disgruntled old man sitting at the bar around them. "Jace Herondale, in all my years of knowing you I have never expected you to say something as horrendous as 'a duty to my students'. Ha!"
Jace rolled his eyes. "I'm being serious. Did you expect me to just let her sit there, Alec? She is Iz's friend. And the fact that she lost her family the same day I lost… How could you not expect me to want to stop her from feeling what I felt every damn day?"
Alec's laughter left his face at Jace's words, and his voice became low and serious. "I'm not saying you were wrong about that, man. I'm actually really proud of you. I didn't expect you to ever go back to that place, let alone bring someone there with you. But I'm just saying…she didn't seem like just a student to you Jace."
Before Jace could deny Alec, something inside of him made him stop. He couldn't possibly argue that she was just another student to him. But there wasn't any of what Alec was implying. There couldn't be.
"You know about I feel about this, Alec. You know I'm not looking for anyone else. I just like being around her. That's all." He really liked being around her. Maybe it was because of the way she reminded him of Samara. Maybe it was because of something else. But it was probably nothing more than that.
Probably.
"Whatever you say Jace. I trust you. Just…she's not a minor is she? She looks tiny." A quick glance at Alec told Jace that he was only slightly joking.
"She's eighteen. Stop getting weird ideas," Jace scoffed.
"Well, that's good at least. In case you mess up." Alec sipped his beer absentmindedly.
"I don't intend to 'mess up' Alec. I told you, she is just a student. A friend at most." Again, it seemed, Jace was trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince Alec.
"Whatever you say, Jace."
Hey there! So sorry for the delay. I've been working two jobs this summer, aaaaaand I'm in the process of writing yet another fic (I know I know, finish the millions you have on hiatus first).
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I really loved it. And next chapter is going to be so much fun as well.
Hope all of you are doing well, and please please leave a review!
Yours,
~A.W.W
