Feeling Again

Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Major Crimes. James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction.

Summary: Ep tag 5.12; They just had to keep coming home to one another and keep feeling or, at the very least, as she was doing on that night, feeling again.

A/N1: Enjoy! Leave a review if you feel so inclined. They are ever so appreciated. #TodayIsLife

~~~~~PT~~~~~

Going to Church was exactly what Sharon needed. Speaking with her Priest, having him tell her like it is, gave her a sense of serenity she'd been lacking since killing Dwight Darnell. The serenity alone wasn't what she was seeking. She needed absolution: from not feeling bad for killing Dwight; from feeling guilty for not feeling bad; from taking a life and not caring what happened to his soul.

Her Priest pointed out that everyone in her life, personal and professional, had already absolved her, yet she was still seeking it. "The Lord holds you nearer for seeking absolution where none is required." His words began to seep into her heart and make her wonder.

"Those who chase monsters must not become them." She believed that wholeheartedly, yet she ended a young man's life and didn't worry about redemption for his soul.

"I absolve you whether you want it or not." She'd begun to cry because it was what she went there seeking. Because she began to feel again and it hurt her heart when she realized the only way her true absolution could be attained.

~~~~~# # #~~~~~

Speaking with Wildred Darnell was difficult, and perhaps not advisable to some. But it was worth it in the end for Sharon.

As a mother, she understood the grief Ms Darnell would be experiencing over the loss of her child. A loss brought on both by his actions in Court that day and by the reactions of herself in the role of Captain. Dwight was a grown, albeit young, man who needed to be stopped before he killed anyone else. Captain Raydor was in perfect position to end his killing spree and she did; three bullets in rapid succession to the chest just as she was trained.

As she spoke with Wildred, the grieving mother offered the other side to Dwight: The boy who made her Mother's Day cards and who, while growing up, had friends of all races; the boy missing his daddy but who was well taken care of by his mom and grandparents. "Poverty didn't get us here."

Wildred Darnell then spoke the words that Sharon Raydor most needed to hear. "I understand." There was the absolution she so badly needed and it brought tears to her eyes and her voice cracked when she found her words.

"I think you do understand." In that instant, her heart clenched for the grief Wildred, the mother, felt for losing her child whilst simultaneously understanding her son needed to be stopped.

The last two years had changed Dwight. Graff had changed him. Treating him like his son was what the young man craved and he'd do anything to keep it. Wildred lost her son long before Sharon took his life. Both women sitting at that table knew it. Dwight dying after his massacre was a given. The young man knew he wouldn't make it out alive. He was a worthy soldier.

Captain Raydor eliminated the threat. But it was Sharon who needed the absolution that only one person could offer. "I understand." She got exactly that.

~~~~~# # #~~~~~

To the team, when Sharon went back to work, she looked as tired yet driven as she had when she'd left. But to Andy, who knew her much better, she had a sense of calm about her that was absent prior to her leaving. He knew she found tranquility within the confines of her Church and she found serenity from speaking with her Priest. He just hoped she found what she was really seeking. Something he couldn't offer her because they saw things too differently. He hoped she found absolution and discovered that she indeed cared what happened to Dwight's soul. Loving her, holding her, and speaking with and listening to her, all told him that's what was missing. Her faith wouldn't allow her to see Dwight as just a dirtbag, someone who deserved to die. Her faith meant she had to find a way to care about his soul. Andy really hoped Father had found success in the one area he couldn't.

Sharon noticed her team still looked at her a little too closely sometimes as they worked. They were waiting. Waiting for her to show a crack about Dwight's death and her role in it. Waiting for her to show emotion, perhaps remorse, for taking his life. Waiting for her to care as deeply as they've come to know she does. They watched her and they waited. They got their Captain.

Finally they got their dismissal for the evening. "We are all exhausted." They didn't get what they thought, or hoped, they would. So when Provenza was leaving, he'd given Andy the unspoken message to take care of her, knowing full well his best friend would. Love was funny like that.

~~~~~# # #~~~~~

Sharon and Andy made their ways home, shared dinner and tea, some conversation and completed their nightly routine.

When they'd gone to sleep, Andy thought it'd be for the night. They were all exhausted and needed their rest to go up against the White Power Movement army of Graff's followers. They were dangerous people who thought nothing of taking lives. Tired police officers would not bring the wrath and fury necessary when going against them.

Sharon, on the other hand, had many things on her mind. It took time to settle into sleep and her dreams brought no escape. She saw Dwight injure Dr Joe, kill DDA Rosen and his own attorney, then Assistant Chief Taylor. She saw herself shoot Dwight to stop the threat. Three shots to the chest as she was trained and would, therefore, be cleared. A fourth shot to his head would've broken protocol. Though she thought of it, she didn't do it. It wasn't in her to be a killer. She saw herself hesitate though and the chill that ran through her is what brought her out of deep sleep.

In a light sleep, Sharon was reminded of not feeling bad about Dwight's death. She was reminded that Andy saw him merely as just another dirtbag. She was reminded that he was a young man who died and his soul needed to be cradled into the Afterlife and blessed anew to be filled with the Light he'd somehow lost over the last two years. She was reminded of his own mother's words. "I understand."

When the tears filled her eyes, she got out of bed to sit in her living room. Their living room now. "I'm cohabitating with a man to whom I'm not married." Sitting in the side chair that allowed her the best view of their city, she allowed herself time to introspect and feel.

The words of her Priest in combination with the words of Wildred Darnell had opened her heart and she felt again. While understanding she had to shoot Dwight to stop his massacre, she was now able to feel bad for taking the life of another mother's child. She was now able to hope his soul was restored and found Life in the Hereafter. She was now able to understand and better appreciate the differences with which she and Andy saw life and death. They were both Catholic. But her faith was stronger than his in the sense that her faith guided her life and decisions. His sense of right and wrong was more justice-driven whereas hers was more faith-driven. That was something they'd figured out thanks in large part to this case. That was a part of loving someone, of sharing your life with them; to have the opportunity to witness differences and work through them.

Though lost in thought, she immediately heard him call her name. She hadn't intended to wake him and was glad to find he woke of his own accord because she wasn't there next to him. There was a fire that began to burn inside upon hearing those words. Taking her hand and kissing it made the fire burn a little brighter. It was the act of a gentleman. The act of the man she loved and who loved her equally in return. The act of a police officer who knew she'd taken a life with that hand and was still dealing with the consequences of that action. And in the end, it was just Andy. He'd shown her many times during their relationship that he was there for her, no matter what the circumstances.

Sharon was happy to be able to let him know that she was starting to feel again. Seeing the relief on his face told her more than any words ever could how worried he'd been about her. Her mind always working, always racing to close a case as quickly as possible, she began turning over what they already knew in her head. "Who has that much weight?" That person was the silent partner to Graff. That person pulled the strings and called for violence. That person caused a vacuum of power in her own workplace. That person needed to be caught immediately but was as yet unidentified and therein laid the problem. "Who has that much weight?"

Andy listened to her carefully. Glad she was getting what she needed, feeling again, in regards to Dwight. Glad she was working through the case as she always did. Worried that she looked so tired, much more than the others. Knew it was the aftermath of her actions and the initial lack of faith-based reaction as well as the anticipation of more danger based on the dire warning Graff gave her before leaving their Murder Room. He was worried and in love and looking to show her that he could still take care of her, even if he didn't believe Dwight deserved a second thought.

Never letting go of her hand, Andy rose from his kneeling position, walked over to Sharon and knelt in front of her. Her smile was relaxed as she reached out to him with her free hand. They'd already discussed marriage. He knew of her hesitation in getting remarried so soon, hence the decision to live together. It was still his silent hope that one day she'd marry him. But until then, he was happy sharing their lives the way they were.

She had moved her legs out from under her. They were now around him loosely. Her hand was in his hair, playing with the strands as she gently massaged his scalp. He let go only to put his hand in her hair as his other traveled along her thigh, leaving goose pimples in its wake and causing that fire inside her to spark again. "We'll figure out the case in the morning but, for now, we're home." Home. He loved living with her and he told her so. He told her that nothing made him happier than sharing a home with her, sharing a life with her. Her eyes took on a slight sheen but this time it was her own happiness shining through. They were home and the world could go away until daybreak when they'd get up to work the case even harder.

Their lips met in a gentle kiss. It didn't take more than a few seconds for her tongue to demand and receive entrance into the warms depths of his mouth. Despite the pace, the kiss remained slow, soft and sensual. The fire inside changed from a mere spark to a small flame. His hands moved from where they were to slide up her sides, his thumbs caressing her breasts through the thin material of her nightgown. He moaned when he discovered her nipples already erect. She sighed when he moved his mouth away from hers but moaned softly as soon as she felt his lips leaving wet kisses along her neck. When his hands dropped down to her hips and pulled her closer to him, she tightened her legs around him and the small fire inside her began to breathe oxygen, sending warmth throughout her body.

Not one to put things off when they should be handled immediately, she admitted one of the things she'd shared with her Priest. "I told him I couldn't talk to you about Dwight," she confessed. "I'm sorry," she murmured when she saw the hurt briefly appear.

"Don't be," he began to reassure her, "we saw it differently. I understand what you needed now but I didn't then." He wiped his hand over his face. "I wish I could've been there for you. I wish I could've done better," he admitted, guilt evident in his tone.

"You were there for me, Andy," she reassured him, "you were but we just came at it from polar opposite views. I needed to worry about his soul and that stuff doesn't matter to you. I'm all right with that," she told him, looking him straight in the eyes, "there's no judgment from me on that but I needed to care and it scared me that I didn't. Father helped me with that and when Wildred said she understood, it all started falling into place for me." Her eyes moistened, this time from all the emotions she'd felt might never come but finally were. "I've started feeling the way I believe I should." Caressing his arm, "You are here for me and I love you even more for that."

He was moved by her words and as he tried to hide the emotion he was feeling, he signaled for her to scoot over a bit so he could fit. Instead she stood, gestured for him to sit and straddled him so they could talk face to face. Rusty was sleeping. Like any young adult, he tried to get as many hours of rest as he could and didn't wake during the night.

Knowing that, Sharon wrapped her arms around Andy and hugged him tightly. "You are here for me," she whispered in his ear before sucking his lobe into her mouth then tracing her tongue along the shell of his ear. "You didn't leave me to deal with this alone," she whispered before leaving her own wet trail of kisses down his neck. "I knew I could count on you," she whispered as she kissed along his jawline. "I love you," she whispered before covering his mouth with her own for a deep, slow kiss that heated up quicker than she'd planned. The fire inside was spreading through her veins and swallowing the oxygen in her lungs by the time they moved apart.

"I felt like I failed you," he admitted, his voice gruff with sadness and guilt. "I knew you had to work this out yourself but I felt like I could've done more for you." He pulled her to him; to hold her as he spoke, to hide his emotions from her, and to allow his thoughts to flow. "For a second, I wondered why you'd want to do this with me if I couldn't get this right," he admitted hoarsely. "I love you, Sharon, and I want nothing more than for us to spend the rest of our lives together," he added, holding her even closer.

Her instinct was to pull away, to be able to face him, but he needed her close to him while they shared their secrets and regrets. Her lips right by his ear, she tried to reassure him. "I love you, Andy. I still want to spend my life with you. We made it through this. Don't you see that? We're here."

"We're here," he murmured, "we're home." He moved to kiss her then. Hard and deep and the fire inside the both of them began reaching out for the other.

"Let's make love," she husked against his lips and instantly found herself being carefully moved off him.

They made their way quietly back to her bedroom. Their bedroom, in truth, because she did see it that way. Once the door was locked, their lips met and the heat between them created a bubble of desire and the need for reconnection that surrounded them. Her fingers swiftly unbuttoned his pajama top and slid it off. His hands removed her wrap, carelessly letting it fall. Hers grasped the waistband of his pajama bottoms and boxers, pushing them down as he brought her nightgown up then over her head. Her panties were the last to go and he did so slowly, enjoying the view.

His fingers trailed up her body as he stood back up, driving that flame inside higher, causing her heart to beat faster and pulse to race. Kissing him, she began slowly massaging him until a groan escaped. Licking down his neck, kissing his chest, sucking on his nipples, her hands traveled his body before she sat down on the bed, took hold of him and licked the head. His hands flew to her hair as he groaned again when she sucked on the head briefly before taking him deep into her mouth. She moaned as she sucked and moved up and down along his member; he groaned as she licked him between releasing and regaining suction.

When he could take no more, he gently pushed her head back. He kissed and licked her everywhere as he knelt down in front of her. His knees might hurt in the morning but he wanted to taste her right then and there. Raising her legs over his shoulders as she leaned back made him twitch and he licked his lips. Flicking and sucking her nub had her softly moaning but he wanted to hear his name flow from her throat. Two fingers moving expertly inside her, hitting her spot, had her writhing so he placed one hand on her. Hers covered it and held on as she lay flat, moaning. Her back arched up as the first wave of orgasm hit her and he waited for his name to be growled out because she had to be quiet. When he heard it, he kissed up her body until he captured her mouth.

She moved herself to be lying correctly on the mattress and he covered her body with his. He didn't plan on having a discussion while they made love but sometimes one or the other would bring something up in the heat of the moment and they'd take the time needed before going back to what they'd started earlier. This was one of those times. "Are you really okay?" He didn't want her to ever think that being together sexually was more important than their overall relationship or feelings.

"His mother understands and, as a mother myself, I needed to hear that. I want the soul of the boy she remembers and loves to be taken care of," she answered, emotion evident. "I'm really okay," she said as she ran her fingers along his back, "but I love that you stopped to check on me." Kissing him hungrily, she encouraged him to enter her. The need to have him inside her was greater than it had been but he wouldn't. Instead he kissed his way down her body again and brought her to climax once more with his mouth and fingers. Her growl was deeper this time as she said his name. When she breathed out, "Andy, I want you," he made his way quickly up her body and kissed her with everything he had. When he stopped to look at her, to check on her emotional state, he saw only love and desire. Everything that had been draining her during this case seemed to have eased away, for now. "Now that I'm more at peace with what happened, I really am all right," she reassured him with a smile. The love she felt for that man was beginning to overwhelm her though. "You have no idea how much you've helped me," she rasped, eyes moist once again.

Their next kiss held all their emotions in it and he entered her in one swift motion. Their rhythm was set immediately and they moved quickly until she whispered for him to slow down because she wanted to feel all of him that night. The rest of their lovemaking vacillated between slow and medium thrusts and they relished in their time together until each reached their peak at the same time, moaning the other's name during their frantic kisses.

Back in bed, he saw her reaching for her nightgown. "I need to feel you next to me tonight," he murmured, his arms reaching around to pull her close to him. Snuggled into him, head on his chest, she could tell his breathing was uneven but not in the way it usually was from their lovemaking.

Kissing his chest, she asked what was wrong. He sighed but didn't admit to anything. He just held her tighter. "You didn't mess up, Andy," she assured him, thinking he still felt guilty for not being able to help her more.

"I could've lost you, Sharon," he breathed out and she could tell he was fighting hard with his emotions. Finally, he turned to look at her, his finger under her chin for her to do the same. "You were right next to Taylor and he took all of the hits. I've been fighting this feeling since then. I didn't want to say anything. But, damnit, Sharon, that could've been you." His eyes were filling with tears but he was putting up a good fight to keep them clear. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you and that dirtbag Dwight Darnell could've taken that all away," he rasped out, anger taking over. "I get that you needed the absolution from his mother. I get that you needed to feel bad for taking a life, his life. But that sonofabitch could've taken yours. That's why he's a dirtbag. That's why I'm glad you took him down." His breathing was ragged from the effort of trying to be quiet, trying to control his anger so as not to take it out on her, and trying to show her how much he loved her all in the same breaths.

"You were there too, Andy," she breathed out. "He shot in different areas of that Courtroom. It could've been you too." A tear escaped but she didn't care to wipe it away in that moment. She was too worried about her boyfriend, the man she loved, finally admitting his own fears. Seeing the tears in his eyes mattered more to her just then. "It could've been you," she whispered before kissing him.

"I am so glad we're living together, Sharon," he rasped. His anger was gone. His fear was subsiding, though not completely dissipating with the case still ongoing.

She wiped away the first tear that fell with her thumb. "So am I, Andy, believe me so am I."

Their next kiss was passionate and he rolled on top of her again. "At my age, that you can do this to me says a lot," he told her as he entered her again. "I love you," he breathed out as he began moving quickly in and out of her.

She met him thrust for thrust. "I love you too," she replied. "Tonight we need each other," she added in a softer tone.

"And that's okay. That's a part of loving each other. To need each other sometimes. To be there for one another always." His thrusts had lost coordination and she knew he was close. "You haven't come, Sharon," he whispered.

"I just want you, Andy," she whispered back, "that's all." With that he let himself find release. The second time had been hard and fast but he was right, at their ages second times weren't common.

Back in bed, they held onto each other, though not as tightly as they had been. They had come through a major life event, done it together and found themselves stronger for it.

They still had to fight the Aryan members of the ZB. They still had to protect Dr Joe and find out who was the silent leader, the one with the weight who was really calling the shots. They still had to deal with their own emotions but they'd just honestly shared them. That spoke volumes to both of them.

They'd come through this together and each was seeing more and more that their future held many bright days ahead for them. They just had to keep coming home to one another and keep feeling or, at the very least, as she was doing on that night, feeling again.

[The End]

A/N2: Thanks for reading!