== DAVE: Sleep


Yet again you and your friends stood before the hellhole know by the simple name of "Wal-Mart".

Son of bitch, how the fuck did they drag you back here?

AT TEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, DAMN IT YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO SLEEP UNTIL ELEVEN AT THE EARLIEST.

"Dave."

"What do you want now Lalonde?"

She gives you a slight smile, "Don't forget our promise."

You give a roll of your eyes from behind your shades, "Yeah, sure, whatever. The bet is hammered into my fucking mind. It is so hammered into my mind, the screw that would have been loose can't and wasn't because it is so goddamned hammered into my mind."

"Dave!" "Dave, Dave, oh my sweet piece of Strider ass where are you…?" is what your boyfriend meant to say. As a matter of fact everyone should call your name like that! It is a proper and totally ironic way to call a Strider… except for Rose and Bro. That would be fucking creepy, so they are excerpt from this new law.

But seriously…

"Dave, hey are you and Rose coming or what?"

"Yes John, we are coming. Please refrain from having a mental freak out, we are just enjoying our final moments before we spiral down into insanity. Are you satisfied John? We are in the store. We are in the stupid cheap-ass, bargain friendly Wal-Mart that is slowly taking over the world as we speak. Are you happy now John?"

"… You okay there Rose?"

"I am perfectly fine. I am simply preparing for the incoming 'shit-storm' is all."

He nods slowly but flips open his cell anyway, "Lets see… um… 19. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. This looks kinda fun!"

"Shit really John? Don't you have any self respect as a person, like, at all?" you say sarcastical –… ironically.

"Course not Dave. If I had any, would I be dating an insufferable prick like you?" damn cheeky bastard…

"Point taken."

"You two done releasing sexual tensions?"

Egderp turns cherry red (who blushes that hard?) and takes a sudden interest in the comfortably white wall. You glare at your Bro. "The fuck? You and English have WAY more sexual tension that me and Egderp."

"As I recall, you two are the hormonal teenagers, am I right?" you rub your temples, a migraine forming, when suddenly, someone pecks your cheek.

"… Have fun…" you mutter lowly, as he gives you one last smile before skipping (Jegus, how 'I am not a homosexual' can you get?) off to the nearby card isle, he picked up a tube of wrapping paper. And as luck would have it a group of some rather… obnoxious football jock-scum-wannabes came walking on by, John grimaced and threw back his arm – tube in hand. His face sort of red.

"I-I challenge you to a duel!"

There was a long dead silence.

Then they all laughed.

"Dude! What a nerd!"

"Does he go to our school?" "

Naw man, I think he's a friend of Strider's!"

"Isn't he like, totally an ass-pirate or something?"

"Yeah, dude I know right? DUDE…"

Good old tolerant Texas. For you are Jesus, we would worship you. If only for your oh so fucking tolerantcitizens.

John… actually looks relatively unfazed; in fact his face is kinda blank… like, right before a shit storm blank. You'd seen that look ONCE before. And that was right before Jack got his fucking ass handed to him by… Who? Revenge of FUCKING Ragnarok BITCHES. The Heir of Breath will WRECK your shit.

You heard three girlish screams as the jocks scampered off, John's back was to you, so you had no fucking clue what he just did. But hell, if the knowing (and proud(?)) look Jade wore and the sudden "unnatural-un-air-conditioned" breeze that was suddenly whirling within the Wal-Mart gave you any indication, it was in your best interest not to question it. Hey, your boyfriend was fucking badass, in the most unironic way possible he was a fucking badass. This was just… a… subtle reminder… not to ever piss your Egderp off, like, really piss him off. Like. Ever.

Yeah…

Let's go with that.

"Shit John, you never had an issue with shitty jocks? Like, at all?" you mutter with a raised eyebrow, "No offense, but you look like the type to be fucked around with, you know, with those dorky buck teeth of yours, not to mention the square rimmed glasses. All that's missing is that sucky 90s nerd tap and a pocket protector – shit'll be legit bro."

John grins and gives you a light punch to the arm, "Will you just shut up for once Dave?"

"Naw, I think I'm cool."

"That wasn't a question. It was rhetorical."

"That's why I answered it."

John rolls his eyes playfully and gives you a pat on the back (what, no peck on the cheek?) "How'd I know that'd be how you'd reply?"

"Come on John. It's me."

"Right."

"What did we say about releasing sexual tensions?" Rose said off handedly.

"THEY AREN'T SEXUAL TENSIONS." You and John say in unison (like the true fucking gay-ironic-rainbow-couple you are. With Bro's ironic ponies and all.)

"Yeah they are." Bro cuts in.

"No they –"

"O-OKAY LET'S MOVE ON!" Jade exclaims loudly as she scrolls through her cellphone frantically. "Okay! 20. Lie on the floor. Just lie there. It is guaranteed to freak people out. Either pretend to be asleep, or to have passed out.

"This sounds fucking stupid Terezi, you know what would be the fucking smart thing to do? Go back to the fucking transporter and go to sleep. Why? Cause the sun's out and it's fucking with my eyesight!"

"Oh come off it Karkat! HEHEHE!"

"And stop that goddamn cackling damn it!"

JEGUS FUCKING –!

Damn trolls.

"Oh, hi Karkat!" John says with a grin. "When'd you get here?"

"A while ago! Sometime around when those adult looking humans scampered off like wigglers~!" Terezi chirped with a shit-eating grin, "By the way, hey there cool kid, still cool and candy-red?"

You hold out a fist and she bumps you, "You know it Terezi. So what brings the two of you here?"

"KK over here was being a dumbass so I dragged him to the transporter and we teleported him here. End of story."

"What was he raging about?"

"I think he missed you guys, HEHEHE~!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TEREZI! YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? … YEAH! THAT'S YOU SHUTTING THE FUCK UP!"

Your boyfriend proceeds to yank KK into a hug and… rub cheeks with him, "Aw~! We missed you too KK!"

"GET OFF ME FUCKASS!"

You should probably feel something akin to jealousy right now, but… fuck… this seen is so fucking cute on so many levels it's not even ironic … But this is still probably weird from the audience's point of view so you should probably stop this.

But not after a quick COMMEMORATIVE PHOTO on your iPhone… you know, for happy time.

Ahem…

Moving right along…

"So, where should we all pretend to sleep?" you ask as Egbert breaks apart from a (now candy-red) crabby alien.

"Somewhere where everyone will see of course! The open area in front of the checkout." Jade said with a grin.

"Sounds golly wonderful Jade!"… Now that you think about it, how the holy FUCK does English have an Australian accent? He grew up with paradox Grandma Jade on an isolated island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. What the fuck?

Anyway, with a few more arguments (predictably from Karkat's end) you were all off on your merry-fucking-way to the front of the store. Jade was the first to lie down… and you believe she went to sleep right away. Why weren't you surprised?

"I set my watch to about twenty minutes, that alright?" Jake said plopping down on to the floor, pillow in hand (you had all stolen one from various furniture displays while you were at it).

"Jegus, you humans have a fucking weird definition of the word 'sleep'."

"I regret to say that I must agree! Hehehe! Dave, its weird that your species have pillows instead of slime! That's just stupid!"

"… From our point of view, you guys are the weird fucks."

And so everyone agreed with out much trouble. But then.

Something you would immediately call bullshit on later occurred. You went over to lean against the wall to pretend to sleep; John skipped on after you of course… but shit. So did everyone else.

The fuck?

You shrug it off, maybe everyone was going in the same direction… you slide against the wall next to the Subway at the front that all Wal-Mart stores have of course, and put your pillow behind your head. You got comfortable. But again, a load of bullshit occurred in that moment. EVERYONE. LAID. AROUND. YOU. All with smirks and grins on their faces. Why? Just… why? Even KK sat next to you with a glare.

"You do realize I don't like you. At all. The only reason I came to this shithole of a universe is because Terezi dragged me here."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it KK so why are you sitting next to me then?"

"…" he closes his eyes and refuses to answer, you smirk knowing you won.

Minutes pass, you stare straight ahead, you technically don't need to close your eyes, and you and Bro have your kickass shades. People won't give two shits if you close your eyes to pretend to go to sleep if they can't see your eyes.

Suddenly you feel a pressure on your shoulder, thinking it's John, you put an arm around the form. Then, you feel the horns. This shocks you a bit to say the least and you jump slightly. The fuck… Karkat? You hear a string of soft cackling and inwardly curse, as you don't want to draw too much attention to this rather compromising position and –

DEAR GOG IS HE SNUGGLING YOUR CHEEK? YOU BELIEVE KARKAT VANTAS IS SNUGGLING YOUR CHEEK.

You groan as you yet again submit to your fate as his hands hold tightly to your shirt as he... cuddles with you… (Jegus, you hope John is cool with this…) Then, you realize he is actually asleep.

Then you decide you don't actually mind all that much.

Huh. Actually, sleep sounds pretty nice. Bro and English HAD kept you up all night (with your trained badass ninja ears) with their… activities inappropriate for men their age who should NOT HAVE THAT MUCH GODDAMN STAMINA!

Ahem.

Anyway, so your head began to bob and shit got all fuzzy like. And poof! Before you even knew it, you were chillin' on Derse.


A/N: Up kinda late again guys, sorry. =3 So yeah, I changed the numbers around. I can totally do that if you have a request. (Like the fluffy one you see above, asked for nicely by a miss therandomrose1754 XD.) Anyway, sorry for the late update! I'll try to get back in my five o'clock zone lol…

Ah, and sorry for the jab at Texans bros, no offense intended. Even got some good friends and close family up there ^ ^.

Anyway, review!