Man's greatest battles are those that he fights with himself.
Xx~xx~xX
WHAT MAKES US WHO WE ARE
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RENESME C. BLACK
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"So you didn't think it was necessary to tell me he has these episodes" Renesme said softly, watching jealously as Charles subconsciously nudged his head into Leah's hand when Leah felt for his temperature "What are you even feeling for, Leah... your hot temperature wont allow you to read his temperature!"
"You know... I have found a way around that after raising him for sixteen years" Leah said gently, the words stinging Nessie even though Leah remained detached and unperturbed by her anger.
"And I am checking..." Leah breathed, leaning back on the little chair at the other side of Charles bed, opposite Renesme "That his skin doesn't match my heat and remains cooler, do you understand that?"
"Oh" she breathed.
"He has only done this one other time" Leah continued softly, reaching behind her-pulling Charles drawer open and rummaging through his many unnecessary items for the brush. "Only one other time and I didn't see... I just found him. I couldn't be sure what had happened"
"We didn't see anything either" Renesme said absently, looking away as Leah began to brush her son's hair-muttering something about how he needed to understand the benefits of shampoo...
She knew Leah would protect him; she knew her defiant loyalty going beyond the imprint would ensure that and her violent compassion was exactly what Charles needed to grow up in this crafter world. That had been her one secret desire for her son; that he would not have her upbringing-no matter how picture perfect it had seemed. He wouldn't be coddled and who better to ensure that wouldn't happen that Leah...
She had wanted to be the one, still. But she was denied that by her own recklessness... her stupid reckless naivety. Now she had no innocence left...
"You should go and talk to Edward" Leah murmured, placing the brush on the table-never looking at Renesme directly-and proceeding to organise the untidy drawer, pulling comic books and small car figurines out.
"He has grown so much"
"More like overnight" Leah muttered. "Gave Edward and me a heart attack... well, me mostly with the beating heart..."
"Dad was talking...?" she asked. "He was actually talking..."
"Charles... "Leah sighed, stopping her busy movements and exhaling sharply "They are best buddies. Real wolves and vampires type of thing... pretending they are true enemies when all they want to do is have a barbeque together..."
"Remember my barbeque" Renesme said absently, taking Charles large clammy hand in hers and clasping it gently but firmly. It was the worst gift she could give him... she thought. But it was better than leaving silently before he could see her.
I am so sorry baby... she whispered into his subconscious.
"Do I remember that barbeque...?" Leah scoffed. "You guilted half of the pack to come... with your; "You don't accept me even though I am your alpha's imprint" sulk"
"I had friends there too" she mumbled.
"Fifteen year old girls you had promised there would be hot guys serving hot dogs" Leah laughed.
"Hmm" Renesme breathed, listening as Jacob made his way up the stairs slowly. "My baby... he is growing too fast"
"Not as fast as you did" Jacob murmured, standing in the door frame, his arms folded over his chest and eyes... she wouldn't look at his eyes. She couldn't look at anyone's eyes. "He isn't a baby or kid anymore..."
"Well, don't let him know that" Leah grumbled, picking up his clothes from the floor and flinging them angrily into his washing basket-swearing under her breath how Edward had promised to get him to clean his room and how she shouldn't have expected so much from a man who doesn't bath.
"They... talk?" Renesme asked. "With Dad?"
"Best buddies, Nessie" she said again and then inhaled, letting the air out in one huge rant "He got him to heal... that son of yours is a miracle worker. And when he wakes up, he'll want to talk to Edward... and like hell I'm going to let my imprint mutter to a statue so you better make sure Edward starts moving and breathing and not taking up unnecessary space in my backyard as a garden ornament"
"He..." Nessie stammered.
"No, he won't move on his own" she said slowly, folding her arms over her chest like Jacob-except Leah wouldn't pretend she wasn't judging anyone. "Last time he went into vampire-shock mode... Rose said it was for a good two months"
"I don't know..." she began and Leah cut her swiftly, slicing her hand through the air and rolling her eyes in a 'no-nonsense' fashion Renesme had once seen Leah use on Charles many years ago when he was trying to lie to Leah about who ate her last slice of cake.
"Look" she said dryly "I am not asking you to tell me what he heard that was so terrible he thought it was better to turn into 'the thinking man' and leave his grandson writhing on the ground and clawing his clothes off. I am asking you to ensure that when you leave-because I know there is no fucking way you are going to stick around... not you..."
"Leah..." Jake growled in warning and she ignored him, taking a step towards Renesme who shrunk back, holding Charles hands tighter.
"When you leave, you will leave things as they are and not broken" she whispered her eyes flashing violently. "No more destruction Nessie... don't be like Bella. You either leave things as is or you start fucking picking up the pieces and healing a few wounds"
"You don't know anything about me" Renesme growled at her, dropping her sons hand and facing her. "You don't know the sacrifice..."
"A day away from Nahuel to be with your son!" Leah scoffed and Renesme saw Jacob cringe from the corner of her eye. "Shall we call you the new Nelson Mandela? You are so self-sacrificing...
She didn't understand. It was the same... Renesme was in a prison and this was her one day off... she didn't understand and it had to stay that way. How else would Leah be able to protect him-to protect Charles and Jacob as good as she could?
"Go talk to Edward" Leah said coolly, her expression unrelenting. "He better move a finger by the hour... I swear..."
Renesme moved away from the bed slowly, her heart thudding too fast. She knew she wasn't exactly wanted here... she thought Jacob was misguided in his imprint, Charles... Dad... she walked past Jacob and he inhaled her scent so obviously, allowing her to move past him and once she was headed downstairs, she heard his sigh.
Xx~xx~xX
It was the sort of darkness that didn't inspire horror movies or fear.
That was what I had always loved about the Alaskan nights-stars and purple lights streaking over the skies. It was snowing slightly and it only made everything more beautiful. The snow felt pure under my shoes-the soft almost unheard crunch... the smell of the pine. There was little garden near the shed-everything was dead. Jacob wasn't bothering with this, if he was even staying here... he tended to spend more time as a wolf... I knew that much and it killed me. he had promised he would be human for Charles, hadn't he?
He is standing right by the fence were I had dragged him through the flimsy little back gate. There are two trudges dragging from beneath his feet and disappearing through the forest-I had to drag him like he was a piece of art work. He had literally froze-vampire trauma mechanism. I knew and it pained me to know it that he did this-he played statue-because he wanted to die. He wanted to die but maybe he hoped that one day things would change, and he could stand still in time waiting for that moment...
"Dad, wont you take a walk with me?" I tried but he didn't move.
His shirt ruffles around him, exposing palest white and his hair moved ever so slightly. His expression was neutral, his eyes cold and hard and distant. I would never know what he was thinking... if he was thinking.
"Thank you for being there for him" I whispered walking slowly over to him. I wove my fingers between his unrelenting ones and then opted to force them to wield-his strength much more than my own and I had to try really hard. I clasped his hand adamantly and readied myself.
I was going against all the rules mother had said were necessary... but Mother was liar and I had been a fool. They were never to know of the things we had gotten tangled up in... But this was my Papa and I wanted to heal him like Charles-to heal him were Mother had hurt him.
"Do you remember the barbeque Alice threw for me?" I asked him. The wind howled in response.
"I'll tell you if you have forgotten Papa" I murmured, looking at the stars. "Vampires never forget... but they neglect to remember at times..."
Xx~xx~xX
Jacob had been working as a mechanic in the town we were living in. He had done this stubbornly only because Mother had refused for him to do so. She had said it was unnecessary and Father had agreed with her naturally-he was the one sent to reason with Jake and Jake dropped it in the end. He changed after that... he was easily riled up, ready for an argument with Dad or Mother. He began talking to me more about life, La Push and things...
He was working on his rabbit-yet again-this one day. It was always breaking down and it was because he insisted on buying the parts in garage sales and sourcing them out in scrap yards. I was sitting on the wooden table in the garage; it had too many metal bits and tools and spanners, oil spills and other food stains on it. I loved that table because he loved it... I was probably thirteen or fourteen years physically and I had started to realise a few things about the love Jacob and I had.
He loved me exponentially, I knew that. I was his 'Nessie' and he was my 'Jacob'. But I also realised that he loved me in a way most men never love women, a way that was too powerful to be contained by any human man... but in his intricate love, he somehow missed the one way all men love women. It was okay then, it didn't really matter... I wasn't worried about such things... I didn't worry about it for too long.
"Rosalie goes to this website for parts" I stated, watching as he ducked under the bonnet, mumbling about the engine needing this and that and something about break fluid.
"Nessie..." he had said sternly, pausing his movements but not looking at me "We are never to forget the things that make us who we are... just because we have time and money"
I didn't add on to that. I was smart-how many times had Mother and Papa told me that, Rosalie praising me and Alice worshipping my beauty. I was smart and it irked me when he would say things, answer my questions or statement with things I felt didn't tie in to the conversation. And he did it with such finality, as though his random answer would answer anything. If I asked him for the time, I was sure he would reply in that same statement and I would be just as boggled.
In my little ignorant bliss I overlooked the fact that I wouldn't understand certain things because I was a four year old in a fifteen year old body. Mind being adaptive or not... my emotions remained tied into that youth. But no one knew that... till it was too late, I suppose. Till I left Jacob for Nahuel and my innocent ignorance and pompousness was exploited beyond recovery...
"Are you enjoying school?" he asked.
"Yeah... I wish you were there with me, though" I sighed, swinging my legs and watching him move about the garage, fussing over every little metal piece and the rabbit.
"I am too old for school" he mumbled, ducking under the car and wrenching at something.
"Mother said no sane parent would allow their daughter to marry an uneducated man" I said and he scoffed from under the car.
"She is just saying that because her husband is over qualified" he laughed and I laughed too-the sound of his low chuckle and my high one filling the space beautifully.
"So tell me about your friend..." he murmured. "What's her name...?"
"Amber?" I asked.
"No, the other one... the one with the irritating laugh" he sighed.
"Oh, Laura..." I murmured, watching as my legs swung and then looking over to his legs.
They were hairy and the calves muscled. I hated how different our skin was... I wanted my skin to be like Leah's... I wanted to have Leah's hair and her eyes and her scowl... and maybe have Jacob laugh at everything I say like he did with her-even when she didn't seem to be joking. Like when she had said I looked like this one red-haired vampire my father had once killed. That wasn't funny at all... but he had laughed, nudging my side gently so I would laugh too-and I had laughed and it had stopped me from getting angry.
"Yeah, her... how is she?" he asked.
"She had her period this week" I growled. "I smelt it"
"Ew, Nessie" he said and I didn't need to see his face to know the violent grimace on it.
"Her and... a whole lot of other girls" I continued my rant, ignoring his request for a topic change. "Talking about synchronization... bloody show offs"
"Okay, that was weirdly and disgustingly funny" he gasped, laughing. "Bloody... show offs"
"I want my period" I sulked and he coughed.
It was a problem of mine since I was a child; competitiveness and being petty even when I had everything. Leah said I may look like Edward but I was my Mother's child through and through... I had smiled at her forgetting she never gave compliments.
"Pass me the twenty-two..." he murmured and I passed the tool to him vampire fast-placing it in his expectant hand. "So... I heard something about a ball?"
"Hmm" I mumbled-going into what Leah called 'Brooding Edward Mode'.
"Do you have a date" he asked.
"Ten boys asked me in the first day" I sighed. "I just can't make up my mind..."
"Oh, the teenage drama" he laughed, pushing himself from under the car. "Maybe you need to get them all together and make a selection"
"Your shirt has oil all over it" I sighed and he looked down at it frowning.
He groaned, muttering something about wash-day and pulled at the hem, pulling it up slowly and stretching his back to get it over his head-covering his face but leaving his entire defined front exposed. I started in shock, my hand hitting one of the spanners when I pushed it abruptly over the table and it went flying with too much velocity to the other side of the garage, ricocheting of the wall and pranging the side of the rabbit.
He was beautiful... he was... what type of beauty was that. How could one man be entirely pure and clean and yet wheedled such vileness out of my mind and down my spine... electricity coursing through my veins and ending up pooled in my...
"What happened!" he asked loudly, throwing the shirt to the side and not noticing my odd flicking movements to not look at him. "What was that?"
"Something fell" I mumbled, running my hands over each other and crossing my legs tightly.
"Oh, the paint... oh no...!" he cried. "Oh, you just know Blondie is going to do her 'I told you so' dance"
Xx~xx~xX
It sounds strange I suppose, coming from a beauty so revered. But Jacob's love began to feel like a curse-the sweetest addiction; I was chasing a high that I could never ever claim. A high that I only read about, heard about... never felt. I wanted to feel it... this exponential love of his-although lacking in one little area.
I envied my human friends of their hormone fuelled boyfriends.
The adoration of many a male did not even begin to substitute even a tenth of what Jacob was capable of... if he let himself. Why wouldn't he let himself...?
I had been so sure it was Leah... and it had been because of the barbeque really...
That silly barbeque I had organised-that Alice and my Mother had convinced me was necessary to seal my title as Queen at the ball. That silly inconsequential barbeque were Jacob had over looked my short shorts and low cut tank top in favour of roughhousing with Leah... his attention entirely rested in making her comfortable because she didn't have enough etiquette to at least pretend she wanted to be any were but my barbeque.
Flirting with Seth hadn't helped-I didn't know how to flirt to begin with and Seth was terrified of his Alpha... or maybe Papa. This had felt played out, how many birthdays had I celebrated that year... I always had to fight for his attention.
But it had been that one little comment by Laura...
"They are such a cute couple"
What else could I do then but turn to vile teenage pettiness born from frustrated supernatural teenage hormones. Alerting Mother that Leah was interrupting the evolvement of my imprint seemed logical. Isabella did nothing to correct my wrong hypothesis and that only came into perspective much later after the chaos...
A chaos whose root was hidden from Papa so slyly by her shielding.
So it was alluded that Leah was too involved. So I disrupted her and Jacob...
She had the option to return my pettiness-I was so sure she would. All she did was huff irritably and proceed to exit our lives in fractions... I thought it was a sign of victory.
It was a warning of strange happenings... and I found too late why Jacob was unable of allowing himself to love me the way I required of him.
Xx~xx~xX
I tried and I tried and my hard work paid of eventually.
One might call it manipulation and maybe coercion-but it gave me my high. I got my high.
And was it not short lived?
Mother was furious. Mother said I was horrible... and then she changed. She said I should continue on my path... and she was always right back then.
The details matter not-I chose to not remember them for my sanity but I am sure Papa has long since learnt of their ant like trail through minds and ingenuity. The details... not even Jacob knew and as I held his hand in the snow letting my mind flow into his through the touch... I realised it may very well be the last time I could do such a thing if they found out I told. Hold my father's hand...
Details...
It was as simple as being in love. It was as simple as having your heart broken-the worst kind because Jacob could never betray me. He broke my heart by loving me all wrong... he broke my heart with a memory. A memory that wasn't even mine-he broke my heart by a past event that he contained with my Mother. He broke my heart with a love he had never given to me but had given to my mother.
After trying to be what he needed so he could be what I needed and to learn this... to learn I had been competing with a dead woman-the human Isabella. To learn this... after Charles... to learn this after tying so desperately to give him what I thought any man craved. A wife so beautiful, a house so wonderful, a friend so loyal and a baby boy.
But it was learning this from my mother that spun my world over.
"It was kiss..." she whispered, this had been after I had informed her Leah would be godmother. "I thought you deserved to know..."
I am not sure if my deserving to know entailed her describing the type of man Jacob had been with her. His fervour and recklessness with his love for her, his resolution to have her love him... his soul and fire all for her. It felt like she was telling me that that side of him had died when he imprinted on me and she had stopped having a beating heart and I was to accept what I got.
She could be most wicked and petty when she didn't get her way, my mother. Rosalie sealed any doubts I had that every flicker of her eyes on him or smile and push to touch his too hot skin-she had wanted him in the end. The magical story of her love for my father that I was told as a child was desecrated once I pieced together the real version of Edward and Bella's epic...
She had two loves vying for her and she had chosen her knight in shining armour-her dazzling vampire and after an imprint and venom change too late; she could not go back when she realised what she wanted. Or realised she wanted both simultaneously but now was forced to deal with only one.
And Papa could be easily veiled of the truth with his crutch of telepathy. Telepathy had made him lazy in the end, to use mental perspective... and it was all too late.
I had run to Nahuel who had always promised me a love to die for and Mother had to deal with Jacob not caring for her ever again with the inclusion of Charles in the small radius of his imprint. She had to deal with Leah being unmovable and impossible to bully when it came to her imprint on my son...
Mother had to deal with not having what she wanted and in the end, she actually couldn't deal.
Xx~xx~xX
So I went to Nahuel and he showed me a physical love.
And that physical love turned so suddenly to something vile that worked its way to my bones and disgusted me when I enjoyed it. It was like finding love... and finding hate at the same time. There is a world beyond the one crafted by civilised vampires-a world of wars and manipulation and human slaves. A world where the word species is pronounced as gold.
I shouldn't have gone to him. He introduced me to that glamorous dangerous world-I told him of my son. He told his father of my son and husband. His father told my Mother she could have it all-when she wandered into the wild searching for the one thing that had always been hers-me. She promised she wouldn't give in. She said she just wanted a taste... and all was forgiven.
She can be so naïve... her gift of shielding was coaxed off her and Joachim's daughter used her gift of persuasion to have her infiltrate Volterra-a spy Aro could never see into their mind.
.
As long as Charles remained normal and Jacob away from me they would not end up dealing with petty jealous dangerous lovers with evil resourceful obsessed fathers who had the world influenced and panicked to discover and own the unknown breeds emerging.
A world dangerously glamorous full of blood, humans and the word species is pronounced as gold.
Xx~xx~xX
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Xx~xx~xX
LEAH CLEARWATER
"Where is she..." he rasped sitting up and pushing my hands away-he glass of water swaying and tipping liquid on the bed.
"She left, buddy" Jacob murmured. He hadn't needed to follow Renesme this time around-running like a mad wolf the last time they had had their annual fight; trying to catch her before she hit the water... This time was different-he had let her go, he had let her stand in the snow with Edward for an hour at the back of the house and opted to remain watching his son and talking about the week to come with school and work.
"She left"
I started, turning around to stare at Edward standing still in the doorway, his eyes flat and black and face a mask of wariness. She had gotten him to move... what the hell had she said to get him to move or more importantly to freeze...
"She left for South America?" Jacob asked in fake calmness-forcing Charles to drink water with a stern look the boy couldn't ignore.
"Yes" Edward murmured. "And I am going to go to get her"
"Are you insane!" I hissed. "She wants to stay with the fucker..."
"She wants to be with Jacob, with her family but there are..." he said dangerously low "There are circumstances. And I want to get my daughter... and I won't be an idiot about it. It has to be planned. I have to plan it. I have to heal and plan it... and make sure Charles is safe.
"She told you this?" Jacob scoffed.
"She showed me this, Jacob" Edward whispered. "There is something else"
"Something else she told you" I asked derisively.
"He phased"
"What?" Jacob and I asked simultaneously, Charles moaning in the background that he was too hot for all the blankets on him.
"He phased" Edward repeated softly-too low for human ears but I could tell Charles was listening. "Not completely... and it hurt him. More than what you showed me in your mind, Jacob... of a wolf's first time. He was hurting... badly. Like he was... like he was changing."
"Changing...?" I said automated.
"Venom" Edward breathed. "He was reacting like he was turning..."
"You told Nessie this?" I asked my voice shaking. I ignored Charles question on what it was we were talking about and his smart remark that if it was about him he deserved to know followed by a comically long yawn.
"No..." Edward said carefully, watching Jacob's wide staring. "Her thoughts are not safe... she has taken a big risk to explain to me some of what is happening. I cannot ignore it, she is my daughter..."
"Ignore what?" Jacob asked too loudly, his frame quivering. "She wants to be with me but she is with Nahuel? What is there to fucking ignore..."
"I have just woken up...!" Charles grumbled, pulling a pillow over his face. "And you are shouting and refusing to let me know what..."
"She is in danger, Jacob" Edward whispered. "Serious danger and believe me when I say everything she has done has been for you"
"Excuse me when I say..." I laughed sarcastically. "Bull-fucking-shit"
"You know of the scar on her neck?" Edward asked Jacob and he looked away. "You can't tell me you believed her reasons for the scar, Jacob"
"She... loves me?" Jacob murmured confused.
"For always..." Edward whispered. "But first... Charles"
"Are you certain he phased" I whispered sitting at the foot of Charles bed and watching as he tried to piece the fast talking together; his eyes moving from face to face sleepily but determined.
"Certain his body was trying to" Edward said. "We need Carlisle... we need the Cullen's..."
"We need the pack" Jacob breathed.
I didn't know how to feel. The past week had been too surreal between Charles moods and Jacob's insistent refusal to phase and Edward's exponential recovery. I didn't know how to feel... but as I stared at Charles-stared at his longer face and broader shoulders-still too skinny, pale and pimply to be taken seriously as any potential phasing Quileute-I knew that we would be heading into war for him.
The only thing to keep Nessie away from what she wanted was if the thing she valued most was threatened.
Charles and Jacob were not safe.
AUTOHORS:
See, I really tried and updated super fast!
Now, you know the game; review your thoughts, suggestions, likes and dislikes and I love concrit. Its angsty and slightly dark-it is about the dark side of imprinting... and having controlling mothers who kissed your boyfriends... issues!
Till next time
tj
