On the Mend
The group decided to trust the words of Alfbern for what they were and made camp right there in the woods, albeit farther away from her cottage, without fear of her returning. As they made camp, Holo still complained of shortness of breath. "It is simply that your mind has not yet returned from the battle. You are currently trying to be calm, but your mind is telling you to move quicker. It will pass in time. Eragon, bring the wine to Holo. That should help calm her nerves."
Eragon did exactly as asked and handed her the wineskin. After a few minutes, Holo's shaking stopped. Lawrence however refused the skin in favor of simply holding his wife he nearly lost today. As they all calmed down, Eragon brought back a couple of rabbits that took refuge under ground during the fight at well as a few wild, edible plants. Eragon mainly ate the plants with a bit of the rabbit to give him a bit more energy while the rest almost entirely ate the rabbits alone.
Finally, Brimisi broke the silence. "Holo, we need to do exactly what I've been saying all along. We need to fix your mind! Even Alfbern could see clearly that your mind was broken. And she was only in there for a few seconds! You can't tell me your situation can't be fixed after that!"
Holo finally came to herself, but she was not happy. "Don't you think I want to?! I've been trying with all my might to just accept what has happened. To work past my brokenness. To mend my mind. I've tried everything! We've tried everything! And we've been trying for months. What could we do in a week that we haven't been able to do since we began?" Holo hugged her knees and pushed herself harder into Lawrence, burying her face into his chest.
"We may have tried everything we know. But that doesn't mean we've tried everything. As for what we can do, we can try again." Holo just looked at Brimisi, her eyes red and seeming on the verge of tears. "Whatever you want to try, it'll have to wait until morning. I'm going to sleep." And with that, she bodily dragged Lawrence with her as she didn't feel able to sleep alone right then.
"In that case, I'm going out flying for a bit. I need to clear my head Holo. Don't worry about me." At that Brimisi flew off before Holo could shout out no. Instead, she had to reach Brimisi's mind. "Where do you think you're going Brimisi? I might need you tonight! We almost died! I need you near me!" Holo was pleading. But Brimisi blocked Holo from the part of her mind that contained her intentions. Intentions she knew would give Holo fits. "I will make you better Holo. I PROMISE."
…
After flying half the night, Brimisi found what she was looking for. A very small, angry woman sitting at the edge of a mountain cave. It was close to where Holo's memory said her pack's-home-birthplace was supposed to be. It was here that Holo had lost her pack to the smaller than Alfbern, but just as deadly as Alfbern mate, the Moonhunting Bear. And it was here that the small, angry woman who was much bigger and angrier than she appeared, rested. From a distance, Brimisi could smell her blood. But when she got close, the small, angry woman only had minor cuts everywhere no bigger than when Lawrence slips during dinner and cuts his finger a little. So, they truly must have been nothing to her.
True to Alfbern's promise, she did not attack Brimisi when she sensed her approaching. "Alfbern, I must ask. Can my dear Holo be saved from her state? We've already tended to her body just as mine has already been healed. But we do not know what to do for her mind. You said you wanted to fight when she was whole, but is that even possible? We've tried ever since the day after I hatched to fix what broke the same day I hatched. We just don't know what to do anymore. I know you are our enemy and you wish to take our lives, but in order to follow your wishes, we need assistance. Please, help me fix my Rider!"
Alfbern seemed annoyed. But annoyed in a way that a grandparent would be about their grandkids keeping them from sleep with urges to play late at night, and not as you would expect an enemy to be reacting to the people trying to kill her suddenly asking for aid. "Calm yourself, young Dragon. Your young wolf is mendable. The damage is her own doing. She caused it herself and can just as simply fix it herself. She need only try to fix what caused her struggles in the first place, whatever that may be. It's not that she needs to fix her mind entirely. Just what caused her to fragment. Now be gone! Before I interpret your questioning as an attack on my psyche and kill you in an instant!"
"Thank you, Mighty Old One. I wish we could have known you under more favorable conditions." Alfbern said one more thing to Brimisi before she flew off. "I don't hate the Dragons. And my hatred for the animal incarnations and humans have long since worn away into time. Only my hatred of Elves has remained the same. From my time in your precious Rider's mind, I know that the one who helps you is not one of them, but only bares resemblance to them. Even the ones he seems to know are not the same as they of my time. Even so, one cannot forget as easily as that, the hatred that kept you alive for millennia. I just wish to rest in peace. To hibernate for quite a long, long, LONG, time. When I wake up, I wish to be so small, I would need to eat a continent's worth of food to regain my former size. Maybe then this hatred in my heart could finally abate. Oh my. Look at me. Thinking out loud again. Don't let this old bear keep you from your loved ones."
With that, Alfbern stood up and walked inside the cave, leaving Brimisi completely confused. "Does she… WANT to die?" Brimisi shook her head to clear her thoughts and left back towards Holo and the others. "A sleep that long would kill her anyway. Does she just want to walk among people again? Is that why she wants to be smaller? Or… does she want… US… to kill her? What am I saying! Of course she doesn't want us to kill her! She almost killed us! But… she didn't. Instead she gave us a chance to become stronger. And she let me know that Holo can be saved. Alfbern, what do you want?"
At last, Brimisi returned to Holo and the others before settling in beside the sleeping Holo. But as soon as she was about to lay down her head, Holo's mind raced into hers. "Brimisi! Where did you go all night?! I have been worried sick!" Holo's expression never once changed physically, but the color of her mind showed that she wasn't even slightly asleep.
"Holo, I went to see Alfbern. And before you worry, she did exactly as I expected. She helped me with reluctance and threatened to kill me if I didn't leave right then. But she, seems sad. It is as if she wants to die."
As Holo watched Brimisi's memory, she too was confused by what Alfbern said. "Well, if tis true that she longs for death, then I shall gladly give it to her. She and her mate, however reformed she may now be, still must atone for the crimes they committed. Her mate has paid his price. Now too must she. Even if I must forgive her, I will still judge her. But if what she says about me is true, then I haven't the slightest idea what I should fix. If it is not our bond that caused it, but me alone, then I haven't a clue of what to do."
Brimisi flooded her mind and gave her energy while caressing Holo's mind to go to sleep. Eventually the old wolf succumbed to sleep and drifted off. Brimisi thought of at least the beginning of a plan.
The next day, they all got up and packed camp. But before they set out, Brimisi called for everyone to stop. "I need to speak to all the Dragons, NOW! This can't wait!" At once, all of the Eldunari, save for the old ones who couldn't be bothered, had their attentions piqued. "You summoned us, young one?" Umaroth responded.
"Yes, I did. Is there not a single precedence for what Holo is going through? Is there nothing you can do to help her? Or are we going to just sit here and let everyone here die? We are Dragons and Dragon Riders, save for Lawrence alone, who has mighty powers of the mind himself. Is there nothing we can do!" Brimisi was on the verge of pure rage.
Umaroth responded delicately. "Young one, calm yourself. I understand your frustration. Truly, I feel sympathy for you, as I have felt the pain of losing my Rider while I yet live. I can only imagine the pain you two have felt over these long months, enduring that pain over and over again. But there is nothing that has happened like that in the entire history of the order. We know not what we can do for her." Umaroth seemed to be begging Brimisi to understand.
But Brimisi wouldn't have it. "You think to tell me that there is not one, single, instance, where a Dragon and Rider have changed, both physically and mentally, no matter how slight, and either lost, or kept, their bond? You wish to tell me that such a thing is so entirely unheard of in the thousands of years your little Order has been established?" Brimisi likely would have pounced on the far older Dragon should he have had a physical body to attack right then.
Suddenly, the color of Umaroth's mind changed. "Actually, there is one such Dragon among us now. Glaedr. Your presence is in dire need."
At once, Brimisi, as well as everyone present, felt a dark storm cloud of pain and sadness. Eragon made to inform Brimisi of his old instructor, and his tragic past. "Brimisi, you are about to meet my old teacher. He lost his Rider close to twenty years ago and has yet to fully recover. He wakes from his sadness every now and then on his own and at least responds when directly called apon now. He didn't do so before. Be thankful that he has at least recovered this much. But please, be patient with him. This is the most recent case of a bonded pair being separated in such a way, and the effects are quite long lasting. Go easy on him."
Brimisi didn't want to go easy on him, especially at the request of Eragon. But Saphira entered her mind just before she was about to dive into the elder Dragon's mind. "Brimisi. Please honor my Rider's wish. This is my own master who taught me most everything I know about being a Dragon. Very little did I learn afterward. He was even gracious enough to share memories about my parents who died in the fall of the Riders. I beg you to go at his pace. We only wish to help him, just as you want to help Holo."
"Fine. I will do as you ask, Master Saphira. Glaedr, are you able to hear me?" The old Dragon was a long time coming in his response. "Yes… young one. Why is it that you wish to speak to me?" It felt to Brimisi as if he had just been dragged out of a particularly dark depression the likes of which she wished she never experienced. She almost felt it was unbecoming of a Dragon, but stopped herself when she remembered his circumstances.
"Master, I was told that you encountered a situation with your Rider that was similar to that which occurred between my Rider and myself. You see, Holo is not human nor is she Elf. She is what this land calls an animal incarnation. It turns out that they are the result of magical experimentation from the first Elves before making it to your land. They are the immortal cross between a dead or dying Elf and an animal. She can readily change her form between that of a human form and that of a wolf. Although the wolf is her true form, as she called it before I was hatched. However, after I hatched, and Holo transformed, our bond was nearly severed. What was your situation that made the other elders request you to talk to me?"
The ancient Dragon pondered the younger Dragon's question for a long, agonizing time. Finally, Glaedr's voice boomed in everyone's mind. "I thank you for giving me time to work through my memories. I can see your desire for knowledge now, but it is difficult for me. I still have pains from thinking of Oromis. As for your question, during the fall of the Riders, my bond mate and I were attacked by the Wyrdfell. They had an unusual spell that separated my bond mate from magic. It caused him great pains over the course of his life. But in order to escape, he cast a spell that changed the nature of our beings, ever so slightly shifting the order of our bodies, and freed us as a result. Our thinking and bodies were never quite the exact same ever since. Is that the event of which you sought?"
Brimisi nodded. "Yes. Were you separated from your Rider after that master?" Glaedr seemed to almost not understand the question. "No. Why would we have been?" Brimisi thought long and hard. "So, it really is in Holo's mind? Whatever is causing this is her own doing?"
"In order to answer that, I will need to examine the mind of your Rider. Where is she?" Glaedr asked wearily. Holo stepped up to her Dragon and responded. "I am here master Glaedr. Examine whatever you will."
Over the next several minutes, no one spoke as Glaedr examined Holo's memories over the past five months since becoming a Rider. When he finally completed his inspection, he pulled away from her mind with great sympathy. "You have my regards, Old One. I would never take your place to reverse your pain. Such is the enormity of what you have endured. But why do you let it continue? Or better yet, how have you not seen the answer. All of you Dragons, how have none of you seen the cause of this new bond's plight. For shame!" The force of Glaedr's rage almost extended to the physical.
It took Holo a moment to gather her thoughts. "Forgive me, but I still know not the answer. Please just tell me." Glaedr seemed to have no intentions of making her figure it out for herself. "Old one, you simple need to stop thinking that you will break your bond! You have let yourself be convinced that you have two different minds and that only one was bonded to Brimisi. While the state of your mind changes slightly, and your form completely changes, you haven't actually changed at all. You simply need to reconnect to your former self and your past way of thinking. You need to stop fearing the break, and realize that it should never have happened as you embrace your partner of heart and mind."
Holo looked on in amazement. Brimisi spoke up though. "It's exactly as I've been telling you Holo! I knew this shouldn't be. You should have just listened to me from the start!" Brimisi actually shouted this in anger as she slammed her giant talons down on Holo's chest, pinning her to the ground. "We're fixing this. TODAY! I don't want to hear any arguments from you now." Holo only let her tears flow as she accepted her Dragon's rage for the love that was behind it.
Glaedr interrupted as their moment was reaching a close. "I do wish to know what caused you to think this way. I did not examine all of your thoughts, nor even all of them just since Brimisi hatched. I only sought those memories concerning your transformations and what you felt during each one. Why have you come to the conclusion that your bond would end if you transformed into your other state?" Glaedr was sincere in his questioning.
"Master, I was told by Eragon that…" Immediately, Holo was cut off by Glaedr. "Do not continue any farther. My pupil was the one who thought on his own and put thoughts in your head that something terrible would happen and let you think up terrible things on your own, wasn't he?" Holo nodded, but seemed terribly confused. "Yes, but, why do you say it like that master? Was he not right though?"
"NO! HE WAS THE FARTHEST THING FROM RIGHT AND IS THE REASON YOU'RE SUFFERING SO GREATLY! Eragon you will suffer whatever wrath this bonded pair decides of you, barring your resignation or loss of life or limb! Holo and Brimisi, how should I put this? Eragon is a splendid, wonderful, and caring person. But… he was far from my brightest pupil and tends to worry about things he shouldn't and either gets himself or others, sometimes both, into great trouble. He is not a great scholar. Far from it. You should not have listened to him and I humbly apologize on his behalf. You deserved far better than him for your teacher."
Eragon sat quietly in his humiliation as Saphira eyed him in sheer rage. Never before had Saphira truly detested something that Eragon had done so thoroughly as to wish ill for him. But the suffering he caused this time was inexcusable. "You will suffer my wrath as well, Little One." As calmly as those words were spoken, Eragon had never felt more afraid. After all, Saphira knew everything that he feared most in this world and how to best use it to hurt him.
Finally, Holo again spoke to the wise Dragon. "Master, how should I go about mending my old way of thinking? I would assume I should simply spend time as a wolf, but the pain is too great! I cannot bear it! Do you assume that knowing it shouldn't happen would help to lessen the pain?"
Glaedr seemed sad about what he was getting ready to say. "Old one, does a cut not itch as it heals? Does your body not tremble as it fends off illness? So too, does a mental wound feel uncomfortable as it heals. I saw in your memories that your attacks came as you began to feel as a wolf would again. And they never happened in your human form because you felt the farthest from a wolf in that form. What you need to do is no doubt going to cause you great pain. But you need to take on your true form as a wolf, together with Brimisi, and reclaim who you are. Do not leave that form until you again know who and what you are. This will be more painful than you should have to bear, and I will personally help comfort you in any way that I can. Later, I will give Eragon a punishment of my own." Glaedr's thoughts became incredibly dark just then.
Holo then made up her mind on what to do. "Masters, if it requires me to be in my wolf form, then put master Glaedr inside of my space for the Eldunari and I will walk with Brimisi back home. Lawrence, you may come if you desire, but I fear you would only worry if you came, and I would rather you didn't."
Lawrence ran to Holo and took her hands. "Holo, I will be coming with you as there is plenty I can do. I can comfort you as best as I can and encourage you if you should falter. If nothing else, I will enter your mind if only to share in the agonizing pain you feel so you are not alone! Holo, don't shut me out from this!"
"If you insist. I will not be going very quickly until I am healed in the mind, so we will be doing without plentiful food for a while." Holo said flatly. Saphira replied to Holo's attempt to dissuade Lawrence. "I will bring you both enough food for a week later tonight. I will contact Miss Hanna so she will bring to me exactly what it is she feels will save, that way Eragon will not need to step foot inside of your house again, nor will he touch the items I will bring."
Holo appreciated the effort everyone was putting forth to see her return to herself. "Thank you. All of you. I will become better. I promise."
And with that, the group split with Eragon and Saphira heading back to Nyohhira and Lawrence, Holo, Brimisi, and now Glaedr, heading there on foot after Holo transformed into a wolf. The journey was already taking its toll on Holo after the first hour. Even with knowing the cause, Glaedr was still correct in the pain not going away.
Holo had granted permission to the seventy some Eldunari who inhabited the pocket space access to all of her memories as they walked together. This was so that they could allow her to relive memories of her past as they traveled, particularly those that made her feel especially wolf-like. Her first successful hunt. Her first shed coat of fur. Days basking in the sun while drinking with the bears. They ended when Holo was having so much difficulty that she couldn't think. Glaedr then took control of Holo's weary body and mind as he worked a spell through her and forced her to utter a single word. "Slytha." With that one word uttered from Holo's mouth, she collapsed unconscious on her side.
"We will make camp here for the night. Holo needs to sleep and after you both set up, join me and the other Eldunari in Holo's mind. We will continue to give her pleasant dreams of fond memories as a wolf, but you two should simply shower her in love and affection." Glaedr said this with pain in his voice as if he so fully understood Holo's pain that he was currently feeling it himself. In all likelihood, he probably was.
Brimisi was worried as she helped set up camp by getting firewood from the forest. "Lawrence, Holo's going to be alright, isn't she?" The fact that Brimisi was doubting now, only strengthened the understanding of just how much pain Holo was really in right now. "I know that she will make it through this. She's been through some very tough things to get here. She's also one of the most obstinate, stubborn, and hardheaded people I've ever met. She would never let a little pain like this get in her way when she knows what awaits her at the end of it. Don't you worry. She'll be fine. But that's why we need to hurry up here and comfort her quickly. The better she feels, the faster she will feel comfortable in her true form again." Brimisi nodded.
After they had set up camp and cooked dinner, they both entered into Holo's mind and flooded her with good thoughts. At once, Holo's tremors stopped and she relaxed. It seemed that she had finally calmed enough to allow sleep to invade her mind at last, and not simply her body. Now they just had to endure whatever was to come the next day.
