Author's Note: Don't be mad, but I actually forgot about this fic for a little but as I struggled not to let my GPA drop.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, obviously, nor this show. This fic is for entertainment purposes only.
Chapter Eleven: Avoidance.
Kathryn relaxed backward into her chair, the candlelight flickering off the faded pages of her book, which she held propped on her shoulder close to her nose. The Holodeck let in gentle wafts of nighttime air through an open window over the river, airing out Leonardo Da Vinci's studio til the temperature was just right. It was the peace though, that she prized most. Normally, she wouldn't use her time on the Holodeck for activities she could easily do while holed up in her quarters, but she'd made an exception just this once. Otherwise, she might never relax.
It had been a whole week since they had left the mixed feelings, and Caltisen space, behind. She had spent every minute of the time doing her best to avoid facing what had happened. There wasn't a soul she wanted to know about it, and no one but Chakotay would know if she had her way. She especially didn't want to discuss it with the Doctor, or with the Commander himself.
Maybe if she ignored it long enough, it would be as though it had never happened.
However, ignoring it turned out to be quite the feat. She hadn't even noticed how much of her life she spent in Commander Chakotay's presence, nor how often the doctor asked to see her about this crewmember or that concern. Every time she turned around she expected to find them hovering just on the other side. Thus her sequestering in the Holodeck rather than her rooms. It was just too vulnerable there. Too easy to be cornered. At this point, every one of her nerves was frayed to the breaking point. Stretched so thin she felt like glass. In here, it was safer. She had already locked out the Doctor from transferring himself inside and no one was likely to disturb her here with the doors sealed and the time clearly reserved for use. Just for a moment, she could put it all from her mind.
The words before her eyes though were blurring together now. It had been several hours since she'd settled here. Wearily, she put the book on her lap and asked the computer for the time.
"The time is 0223 hours." The familiar female voice replied, utterly aloof, yet human at the same time.
She sighed gustily and closed her book with a snap. Time to get some sleep, or she'd feel even worse tomorrow than she had today. Her sleeping habits of late had been worse than usual, and it had begun to show in her demeanor, in how short she was being with the crew. If she had noticed it in herself, it was a good bet that the whole crew had as well. Even the awkward moments of time with Chakotay on the bridge, where they sat next to each other in eerie silence were tainted further by it. They both avoided eye-contact or touching and even so, she could tell when he went still and tilted his head just slightly. His expression would be worried, even though she couldn't see his face- she knew.
That wasn't so unusual. Yet, normally, he would talk to her about it when they were alone. Or suggest lunch and they'd both get the chance to relax, if only a little. His distance was something she felt keenly, almost as keenly as she felt the tension in her own body when he got close and she caught a breath in her chest so the familiar scent coming off him wouldn't take her back to that night, that morning when he had held her in his arms and she'd felt the loneliness rush away.
It was foolish to miss it. Especially so intensely.
Resetting the Holodeck's controls, she tucked her book under her arm and stepped out the opening doors into the corridor beyond. The dim hall was deserted, a stillness about the carpeted floor that seemed to extend to her own footsteps, however light she tried to make them. She was in no rush, merely meandering in a way that wasn't possible, or really seemly, during the Alpha shift, or even Beta shift hours. The late hour ensured her sole occupancy as she made her way down to another door.
Or, so she thought.
"Captain."
Her heart leapt into her throat as the voice startled her from behind and she raised a hand to clutch it back down as she jerked about to see who it was. "Tuvok!" Of course. The only member of the crew besides the Doctor who was quiet enough to sneak up on everyone without them being the wiser, as annoying as it was. "You almost gave me a heart attack!"
He quirked an eyebrow at her. "That is unlikely given your age and relative health-"
"It's an expression, Tuvok." She grumbled, rubbing at her forehead and passing into the turbolift where she'd been headed. "Just means you startled me." Which he probably knew full well. He just liked to point out how useless it was to use such anecdotal evidence.
The Vulcan followed her, making a quick about face and giving the number of the floor he wanted. "I have noticed, though, that you have been far more agitated of late then is normal for you." While the lift started taking them up, he looked down at her, tipping his head quizzically. "Is there something wrong?"
As if she was going to tell him. "No." Kathryn answered, just a little too quickly, but the Vulcan did no more than lift his eyebrow toward the ceiling as though questioning her remark. Extraordinary how expressive those eyebrows could be in a race that had eliminated any expressions of emotion. "What are you doing up so late, anyway?" She asked finally.
"I was about to go to the bridge for duty, as I agreed to cover the latter part of Gamma shift, so as to allow Ensign Terrik more time to recover from a injury he took while training. Therefore, I adjusted my meal schedule accordingly." He glanced at her eyes and then faced forward. "And you?"
"Got caught up on the Holodeck." Kathryn skirted the truth.
"Then you are headed for bed?"
"Yes."
"A regimented sleeping pattern is important for optimum efficiency." He didn't look away from the turbolift doors, but it didn't matter.
She could practically feel the look bouncing off the walls in their confined space. "As I am aware."
He didn't say anything for a long moment beyond a cursory tilt of his head to acknowledge her words. "The Doctor has again requested your presence in Sickbay." He broke the silence.
Kathryn barely stopped the groan on the tip if her tongue, closing her eyes as she tried not to grimace.
"He reiterated that ignoring protocol in regards to your health and post-mission examinations-"
"Yes, Tuvok, I have heard the last several messages quite clearly." She cut him off. "And I am aware of post-away-mission protocols."
"Yet you have not complied." He said stoically, looking over at her. "Which is unlike you. Even when you are reluctant to receive medical treatment, you do not usually ignore the Doctor for so long. The Caltisen away-mission ended a full week ago. Such behavior prompts me to ask again if there is something that I can do to assist you."
Feeling the hot blush of embarrassment threaten the skin across her chest, she turned her head away, avoiding his look and his assistance in anything. A deep breath brought her emotions back under control, and clearing her throat chased the feeling away.
Tuvok watched her the whole time. "Were you injured while on the planet?"
"No." She rejected that vehemently. It wasn't about the physical ramifications of what had happened, or the feeling of violation the Caltisens had forced upon her. It was about privacy. It was about... she swallowed
"Is there some other reason you are reluctant to go to Sickbay and see the Doctor?" Tuvok queried, finally turning to face her completely, his brow crumpled up in perplexity. "Is it the Doctor? Perhaps you are angry with him or-"
"It has nothing to do with the Doctor." She admitted, not wanting her old confidant to think any of this was the hologram's fault. It wasn't. It was just her, being a coward. Being a fool. She let out a heavy breath, knowing she was caught and hating it. All her worrying about the Doctor and Chakotay, and Tuvok was the one that pointed out the fallacy of her current method of coping. She'd miscalculated. Badly. "I'll be sure to go first thing in the morning." She murmured.
Tuvok bowed just slightly her way in silent acceptance of both her capitulation and the small reprimand in the look she shot his way.
She didn't like being pushed into anything.
The turbolift arrived at the right level, the doors swooshing open to let them exit. "Captain, sleep well." He stepped out and left her behind, heading for the entrance into the back of the bridge.
Leaving her wondering just how he always managed to do that to her. How he pushed logic into every argument so that she had no choice but to say she would do what was the wisest course of action, even when her chest constricted at the thought. Why did he always have to be so reasonable, and why, oh why did it make her feel so unreasonable?
She already knew the answer. Because there's no way the Doctor could know about her and Chakotay from taking scans of her this late in the game,the logical part of her brain supplied.
Which meant that she was hiding, not being private or cautious.
Right. That.
With another deep breath, she stepped out of the turbolift and headed for her quarters.
-:-
In his quarters on the same level, Chakotay shifted again. For at least the umpteenth time. He couldn't sleep. Just like last night, and the night before, and the night before that. A whole week.
Seven days that seemed to have lasted a year, and might as well have.
His relationship with Kathryn was stilted and awkward, both professionally and personally. Their attempts to ignore what had happened didn't seem to be working, at least to him they didn't, and each time she refused to meet his eyes his heart sunk just a little bit more into the pit of his stomach.
It hurt. The new avoidance that had Kathryn up out of her seat and in her ready room at the earliest opportunity was enough to make it hard for him to breath, especially when the other officers would turn to look at him for some kind of answer.
He didn't have one.
Not even for himself.
He realized about the third day that he had been avoiding Kathryn just as staunchly, hopeful that a moment without her was another moment to gain some distance. Except for the fact that his head and his heart were not cooperating. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her lips so close to his, it startled him into waking. Only to feel like something cut into him when he saw that she wasn't really there. Every inch he sunk lower into the cushion of his bed was another chance for his heart to start a tap dance expecting to feel Kathryn's weight on top of him as the cause.
Her scent followed him. Her touch, her soft skin, her heavy-lidded eyes asking for the gentlest of kisses.
She was everywhere.
Hence his inability to sleep. It was all in his head, a memory that wouldn't be shoved aside, even though he had decided that it needed to be. He couldn't go around thinking about Captain Janeway that way. Couldn't ache for want of one single touch. It was a violation, and he didn't want that to happen to her again.
He couldn't have stopped what happened.
He couldn't have-
No.
Chakotay sat up. He wasn't going down that path again. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't.
He growled and stood. This was all he could do. He couldn't have stopped what happened, but he could stop this. It was all he could do. What else was there? It wasn't like he could be her confidant about this. He couldn't know what she was going through. She was shutting him out and he was letting her because he was a coward. Because he didn't want to admit aloud the fear he had that she blamed him for that night.
He was doomed.
It's not like he could go right up to her and say in front of the whole crew that he knew she might hate him, but he wanted more. That he didn't want to forget. That for him, it had been the most wonderful thing. The brightest star of his life. And not because of anything other than just...
Her.
And if she didn't feel the same way? If she was angry with him, what then?
He paced in his small bedroom, occasionally kicking out at the wall as he passed when his frustration at his circling thoughts got to be too much. These were all things he had thought of before, things that had been rattling in his brain and heart ever since the night they had spent together.
It felt like he was going insane.
His concern for Kathryn wasn't helping either. Not when he couldn't stop being aware of everything she did. No matter what she felt about what had happened, he worried about how she was coping with it. Just because he barely saw her for more than a brief report now, didn't mean he was blind enough to miss the circles getting ever darker underneath her eyes, or the way she rubbed at her forehead in a distinctive gesture of pain.
She wasn't sleeping, and if he knew her, he also knew why.
So was she awake right now? Was she pacing like he was?
If so, why did they have to suffer alone?
That made him pause, taking a deep breath to fortify himself. Then without another clear thought in his head, he strode out of his bedroom, headed for the door out.
